I felt empty inside. I always felt empty inside after we had been together, but this time the emptiness pooled into my heart like a black cascade of smoke before he even left the bed. Maybe I didn't love myself as much as I thought I did. Maybe it was all just a front to hide the afraid, disturbed little person that really lived inside of me.
He once told me I was like his little piano; dark and brooding, overdosed with sad, elegant beauty that kept him lost in the melodies I so often performed for him. He said my low, sultry, daunting chords haunted him. I took it as a compliment.
I knew I didn't love him. I was curious about him. I never quite understood how or why he always managed to worm his way into my most intimate places, but I knew it wasn't out of love. I did care about him deeply. I wanted the best for him. I wanted to see him prosper, fulfill all of his wild and crazy dreams no matter how extreme or silly they seemed to be.
I wanted him to be happy, and although it cost me my own sanity, I knew that in some way I brought him happiness; because I too was just as wild and crazy as he and his dreams.
He needed our long nights lost in too many glasses of wine and pillow whispers that should never have been said. He craved my attention, my ideas. He was captivated by my imagination and the imagery I provided with every word I spoke. I could make him see beyond the veil with the things I would say, and, although he'd never admit it, it was me who sparked the fire fueling him forward.
He needed that. He needed what he wasn't getting, and I was always willing to give it to him.
I was not the woman that texted his phone every hour on the hour. I never made him dinner. I wasn't checking his whereabouts or planning date nights every Friday. I never complained when we went weeks on end without seeing one another let alone speaking. I didn't need to know his friends, even though I'm sure they all knew me. I didn't expect anything from him. I was not the woman to ever curse his name and call him an asshole because he kept me up at night wondering about his secrets.
We weren't skipping down Broadway holding hands in the sunlight. We didn't get all dolled up to go to fancy dinners with overpriced menus and sommelier service. We didn't dance until the sun came up at sweaty dancehall clubs. We weren't planning baecations or visiting relatives in distant states. There were no gift exchanges on holidays. I don't think we've ever even wished each other a Merry Christmas.
We didn't do any of that, because I wasn't the woman he was supposed to do that with. I was the other woman, and I knew my place, despite however it made me feel on the inside. I was fun and as carefree as a warm California breeze in the middle of December. That's why he always came back to me. He could be himself with me.
There were no standards. No questions. It was all be and let be with me, and he needed that.
He told me he loved me once. I didn't believe him though. No one ever really loved the second option, or else they would have picked it first.
But hearing him say it entranced the she-devil that resided deep within me. Being with him only highlighted the darkness that had suffocated my innocence so many years ago, and how could that ever be love? Torture would have been a more appropriate description of what we both felt for each other.
Pure, cold, bloody torture.
I didn't want him to leave her for me. We'd never work as a real couple, and I knew that. Canoodling between the sheets at godforsaken hours of the night, we did that well. Laughing, playing, behaving as reckless as we wanted to, we excelled. But dating, being together exclusively... Well that was nothing more than a funny thought to me.
Although it crushed my pride and left me feeling deserted in a wasteland of wretchedness at times, I knew he made the right choice when he chose her. She was a quaint, demure, sweet girl. Tame. That was the perfect type of girl for him to spend the end of his days with. We never talked about her, but if we ever did, I would tell him she'd make a darling bride. I could tell that she loved him, and she would stick by his side no matter what. She believed in him, probably more than I ever could. And even if she did ever know about me, she knew that he'd never actually let her go to keep me.
I couldn't be kept.
For nearly a year, I allowed him to use up my body as his own personal little toy. I enjoyed the release. He was a stellar lover, and there were times I would have been willing to quit my day job just to f-ck him from sunrise to sunset. Climbing on top of him, feeling myself slide down on his sturdy, thick shaft and slowly rocking back and forth until the both of us exploded made me feel like a conqueror. The way he would pant and groan and squint his eyes every time he pounded deep into my womanhood, with my legs, smooth as silk, wrapped tightly around his body, made me feel like the giver of the Earth.
And every time he came, with beads of sweat falling from his forehead hotly piercing my skin, letting out that long sigh of aching absolution, I felt like a breaker of chains, a ruler, a god.
But as I lay there next to him in my bed, sex heavy in the air and sheets moist with our fluids, the shallow, sullen, gloominess would always start to creep in. He would stay the night, cuddle me even. But even that couldn't combat the hollow abyss filling me up as he wrapped his arms around me. I always snuggled up closer, as if I could unzip his skin and climb into his body, but that wouldn't get me any warmer. It never did.
A rational person would probably wonder why I didn't just stop, end things for once and for all, go about my life, and find someone who would value and recognize my worth. But I've never been a rational person. And sadly, for a long time the emptiness he left me with every time we were together felt better than the nothingness I often felt when we were apart.
Eventually, I walked away from our secret love affair. Not just because I knew it was wrong playing in the shadows of another woman's happily ever after, but because I could no longer stomach the vacancies I created in my own heart simply by entertaining him.
Despite the glamour I find in keeping secrets, I finally recognized that it was never really him that caused the emptiness. It was me allowing myself to be his second option, because I was already treating myself like the second option.
That's the interesting thing you learn about yourself when you're playing the other woman. No matter how much fun you're having or how enjoyable the ease and simplicity of a no-strings-attached relationship can be, there always comes a point when a woman is forced to think about what makes a man choose her for seconds when he already belongs to someone else. It forces you to take an internal look at yourself and ask the question:
Why am I even okay with this?
Why don't I want more?
Do I even deserve more?
My answers to that question left me feeling a lot more unfulfilled and confused than being with him ever did, and I started to realize that our story was never about what he wasn't getting that I knew I could provide. It was about what I wasn't providing for myself. It was about me being cool with tossing my feelings and emotions in the backseat all in the name of a good time and mean-girl giggles with the homies. It was all about me not putting in the time to patch up the holes in my heart left from my own past.
It was about me foolishly thinking that if I filled them with someone void of the same morals and self-respect, I wouldn't feel as bad.
When I finally stopped avoiding the root of the issue -- my behavior powered by resentment, insecurity and fear -- and took the time to investigate myself, my thoughts and my feelings, that's when I was finally able to break free from the emptiness that made me feel okay with being the other woman.
And that's the day I stopped being her.
He played his role and I played mine. I can't say what, if any, lasting impression I've made on him. But I do know the clarity and growth our time together imparted on my spirit. And for that alone I am grateful.
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I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
GiphyThe first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
GiphyThere is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
GiphyIf someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
GiphyWanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
GiphyEver notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
GiphyI am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
GiphyThere is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
____
Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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