

It's the struggle that every single woman over the age of 25 has gone through, at one point or another: the inevitable soft curve of the nice guy in favor of the bad boy. It's not that women are crazy, in fact, there's scientific evidence to support why women are biologically attracted to fuckboys.
Why Do I Keep Attracting Fuckboys?
But before we get all scientific, I want to get clear on the word fuckboy. If you've ever encountered one in real life, I'm sure you have concluded what that word means to you, but for those who have not, allow me to give you a brief description.
What Is a Fuckboy & Why Do I Keep Attracting Them?
Urban Dictionary has many definitions of the word, but let's sum it up with the all-encompassing description of "a boy who plays with a girl's feelings and doesn't really like them but would do or say anything a girl wants to hear to have sex with them or to get something they want." I will also introduce three categories of fuckboys: the Narcissist, the Machiavellian, and the Psychopath, which make up a sector known as The Dark Triad.
I can point to a number of reasons for an attraction to this type of guy. For starters, there's the perceived thrill of the chase or the potential risk of dating a "forbidden fruit" which also seems thrilling. It's like when we want something we know we shouldn't want, it makes us want it even more. Nonetheless, for the intent of this article, I want to stick to the facts, the scientific proof, in order to answer the age-old question: why do we find people that we know are bad for us so damn attractive? The answer lies in a number of scientific studies:
Women are drawn toward men who possess desirable traits to pass on to their offspring.
If you've ever heard of the phrase "alpha male," it dates back to evolutionary theories of mate selection in which individuals observe the characteristics of a potential mate before engaging in a relationship. This idea supports the aptly named "good genes theory" which hypothesizes women as more likely to choose a mate with strong qualities, such as physical fitness, because they are more likely to increase the reproductive success of her offspring.
Hormonal changes cause women to be attracted to certain types of men, especially "bad boys."
Specifically, during certain times of a woman's cycle, typically when she is ovulating, she's more likely to be drawn to sexually attractive qualities, such as specific facial features and dominant behaviors, according to a 2012 study by Kristina Durante. There is, however, research to the contrary, thank the Lord. Martie Haselton, Ph.D, describes in her book that outside of ovulation, women are better judges of character and may opt for a man who's more responsible, nurturing, and attentive to her needs. However, the temptation to satisfy our cravings still exists...and when given the options of a slice of cheese and a slice of cheese pizza, we tend to choose the one that will best satisfy our appetites.
The Thrill of the Chase
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This metaphor refers to what psychologists and communication theorists call attachment theory. Attachment theory seeks to explain the link between behaviors in child-parent relationships and adult romantic relationships. While there are four "attachment styles," the anxious-avoidant combination best describes some women's attraction to bad boys. In these instances, the avoidant personality type sends mixed signals to their (anxious) partner. For example, he takes hours, even days, to respond to your text messages, even if it's something as simple as "Wyd".
Or, he enjoys spending time with you, as long as it's late at night and inside the house, but never out in public. Each time you engage in an interaction with him, your "attachment system" is activated and you are only comforted when your lover employs a mediocre act of affection to assure you that he cares and re-establishes your trust. However, this exercise is the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a war wound as this is only a quick fix. Over time, you become fixated on the burst of emotions associated with your partner's run-of-the-mill actions. Meanwhile, your brain equates these anxiety-induced feelings with chemistry, passion and love.
The Dark Triad of Personality: The Narcissist, the Machiavellian & the Psychopathic
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I'm sure you've heard your fair share of narcissistic lovers, but have you heard of Machiavellianism and psychopathic traits? This charming cluster makes up what is known as the Dark Triad. In short, the Narcissist is known for their grandiose behavior, while Machiavellian personalities are considered to be master manipulators and psychopaths are characterized as being empathy-deficient.
Typically, individuals in this group prefer short-term flings rather than serious relationships, thus, their initial efforts to attract a mate may seem extremely attractive, as they'll pull out all the stops in the beginning. Additionally, and this may not even be fair, research maintains that individuals who possess dark triad personality traits also possess physical features that make them more attractive.
1. Narcissists
Most narcissists can be spotted by behavioral features such as grandiosity, a need for admiration and an inflated self-image. According to Dr. Gregory Carter, a psychologist who specializes in Narcissistic personality disorders, narcissists, in particular exhibit charisma, charm and tend to be well-dressed. Moreover, these individuals indulge in efforts to make themselves more appealing, using these strengths to the object of their affection's weaknesses. The good news is that our attraction to people with dark triad characteristics is often short-lived once the nature of their true identity is revealed.
2. Machiavellianism
In regards to attachment styles, the Machiavellian scores high on the dismissive-avoidant scale. Studies have revealed these individuals as skilled liars, egocentric lovers and very successful in manipulative behaviors. As far as romantic relationships go, these individuals score low in emotional attachments, thus making it hard for them to invest in their partners.
3. Psychopaths
OK, moment of transparency, here. In my mind, whenever I thought of the word "psychopath", I heard full-on background music from The Twilight Zone, but that's far from the reality of what it means to be diagnosed as a psychopath. While I am not a medical doctor or licensed to diagnose or treat anyone with a mental or medical illness, I hold a Master's degree in Applied Communication and my educational pursuits have led me to research characteristics of these individuals at great length. And what I can tell you is that people on this spectrum lack the ability to care about others. They react favorably to high impulses, being in control and are thrill-seekers, according to studies I've read. This can be equated to risky behavior when it comes to "dating and mating", as these individuals often behave erratically in sexual matters.
The Reason You're Attracting Fuckboys & Why You're Attracted to Them
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The irony in dating a bad boy is the perception that he'll be strong enough to keep us safe. We've seen this idea of the "tough guy" in movies or adopted this fantasy from our favorite music artists and we hope it will apply to us. The sad reality is that these men aren't equipped to protect us because they are the ones causing us harm. Perhaps the most damning reason for our flawed attraction to f*ckboys is that our picker needs a tuneup. Say what now?
Hear me out…
I'm suggesting you may be more interested in a project than a partner. If I'm correct, then this would explain why we continue to carry on with men when we know they are bad for us...even when we know how it's going to end, we still hold out hope.
Sometimes, even when we see the bright red flags, we proceed, granted with caution, down a dangerous road in hopes that it will be a smooth ride. I once saw a meme that said, "She was the type of woman that makes an unprepared man ask God to prepare him", and I think that's an unrealistic idea to begin with.
At the same time, I believe that some women secretly hold on to this notion. When dating these emotionally unavailable men, we realize that the odds are against us, but we feel like if we can get them to commit, it feels rewarding to us. Moreover, if we can get them to change their f*ckboys ways, it in some way validates the power of our womanhood. The tragic end to this idea is how it substantiates our worst fears when he doesn't choose us and we end up feeling like we are not enough.
How to Break the Cycle of Attracting Fuckboys
Learning to curb this attraction is going to take time. Remember when I mentioned that your attachment system becomes activated by the drama of going back and forth with your lover? This happens over the course of weeks, months and in some cases, years, so don't expect your desires to disappear overnight. One of the first things you'll need to do is recognize when your attachment triggers are at play. Get clear about what it is you're feeling. Oftentimes, we get so accustomed to dysfunction in relationships that it seems normal. It's not. And might I interject that we should NOT normalize this behavior.
In the same way that certain activities activate your attachment system, there are also deactivating strategies that can help turn your attention away from a person. Instead of focusing on how good the sex is, replace those thoughts with how bad the communication is. When you're tempted to meet up for a "Netflix & Chill" session, remember how bad you felt the last time they ghosted you for days after you hooked up. Learn to employ these strategies so that you can outgrow your attraction to boys and finally get a man.
Be advised, the same way you're learning to break the cycle of this relationship, the f*ckboy is also taking notes, learning which strategies are most effective to lure you back in and continue with his f*ckboy behavior, so stay woke.
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Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Swipe Right For Sisterhood: Reginae Carter Talks Teaming Up With BLK To Make Friendships Front & Center
You know the vibes: dating apps aren’t just for finding romance anymore—at least not for Gen Z! As young people continue to redefine connection, BLK, the leading dating app for Black singles, is shaking things up with the launch of Social Mode. The new feature allows users to toggle between dating and platonic connections. Yep, you read that right—friendship is now just as easy to find as love.
To kick off this game-changing launch, BLK teamed up with TV personality and socialite Reginae Carter for the ultimate Girls’ Night In, proving that sisterhood is just as important as romance. The exclusive event was a celebration of the new feature and the power of Black women coming together to uplift one another.
“Your circle is everything,” Reginae shares with a smile, and she’s not wrong. She’s all about creating spaces where we can come together, let our hair down, and vibe with like-minded women. “We deserve spaces to meet, uplift, and vibe with each other. BLK is making that happen,” she adds.
A New Era for Friendships—Social Mode Is Here!
Gen Z is all about building meaningful connections, whether it’s with a date or a new brunch buddy. That’s why Social Mode is such a big deal. Research shows that 65% of Gen Z values friendships just as much as romantic relationships. With BLK’s new feature, users can easily toggle between “Dating” and “Social,” opening up a world of platonic connections—no swiping right required.
Bahja Rodriguez, Reginae Carter, Breaunna Womack, Lourdes Rodriguez and Zonnique Pullins attend OMG Girlz "Make A Scene" Single Release & Video Viewing Party at Trap City Cafe on March 27, 2025 in Atlanta, Georgia
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Reginae Carter Hosts the Ultimate Girls’ Night In—Powered by BLK Social Mode
What better way to show Social Mode in action than with an exclusive Girls’ Night In, hosted by Reginae? The event brought together top influencers, tastemakers, and press for a night of luxury, self-care, and real talk about love, sex, and relationships. From tarot readings to perfume-making and signature cocktails, the evening embodied the “soft life” vibe that many Black women are embracing in 2025—peaceful, intentional, and full of joy.
Guests mingled, laughed, and bonded over the importance of finding a tribe that supports you. It wasn’t just about fun (although there was plenty of that!)—it was about creating a circle of inspiring, strong women. “We need to stick together. We need to be each other’s village,” Reginae says, emphasizing the power of community over competition.
Sisterhood: The Real MVP
For Reginae, it’s all about friendship—and not just the surface-level kind. “We need friends who keep it real with us. The ones who can tell us when we’re right, when we’re wrong, and when we need to calm down,” she says. As someone who navigates the spotlight, she’s got the best of both worlds: friends who understand the grind and those who can give her an honest, grounded perspective.
Her advice for building strong, intentional friendships? “Be confident in yourself and know your worth,” she explains. “Also, hurt people hurt people, so make sure you’re coming from a good place when you’re building relationships. It’s not always about being nice—sometimes it’s about being real.”
Reginae couldn’t have summed it up better: “When you have the right circle, the right tribe, everything just feels easier. And that’s exactly what BLK is giving us—space to connect, laugh, and grow with each other.”
To learn more about BLK’s Social Mode, download or update the BLK app in the App Store or Google Play Store today. Who knows? You might just find your new bestie or your next brunch crew.
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Feature image by Prince Williams/WireImage