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7 Signs You're A Total Control Freak. In Bed.
I'm just gonna warn you now — while one day I might pen something that addresses the signs of being a total freak in the bedroom, this piece right here isn't something that I would categorize as being a good thing. Nah, what we're gonna tackle here is what happens when you're someone who is so controlling in virtually every aspect of your life, you don't even know how to ease up, even if it's just a little bit, when it comes to sex. And because of that, whether you realize it or not, it's costing you what could be so much more of a satisfying experience.
The fascinating thing about control freaks is oftentimes they are so caught up in what they think everyone else should be doing better that they don't even see where they are falling short. So, if you're curious, I'll share seven signs that wanting to run the show is causing your sex life to be…let's go with lackluster (just ask your partner).
1. Your Dirty Talk Sounds More Like a Drill Sergeant
How many of y'all remember the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson)? Anyway, whenever I think about vocally bossy women in bed, I think about a scene in it where Wayman (Joseph C. Phillips) was having sex with his girlfriend, Diedre (Anne-Marie Johnson) and she was even annoying me with all of her "up, down", "right, left" — geez…shuuuuuuut uuuuuuup. The thing about being a true master at dirty talk is your words should be conveyed in such a way that it turns both you and your partner on to hear them. Matter of fact, I'll raise that point and say that it should also evoke your partner to want to actually engage in the sexy banter with you.
Listen, I don't know a man (short of fem-dom dynamics which is another article for another time) who wants to feel like he's in some sort of boot camp with his partner — shoot, whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it. So, if that's the way you've been going about doing things, you might want to switch that ish up a bit. I'll bet my next paycheck that you'll get far better results if/when you do.
2. There Is No Compromising. At All.
Even if you're not physically flexible, you should be all about being sexually flexible. What I mean by that is, while your body might not allow you to be a sexual contortionist of sorts (sometimes guys will really be trying to act like we're a slinky with no nerve endings…geez), if you want to be thought of as a great lover, that requires being someone who is open to compromise. I know some folks who hate to kiss (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), but if you've got a partner who is the exact opposite, kiss sometimes. I definitely know some women who hate giving head (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?") yet my take on that always is, "If you don't want to give or receive and your partner is fine with that, cool but if you want to receive and you never give, somebody is trippin' and it ain't him." That said, there are workarounds that can make the experience more pleasant for you (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"). Maybe you prefer sex in the morning while he does late at night. Sleep naked and let things happen naturally, whether that's at midnight or 3 a.m.
The point here is sex is best when both partners are willing to do some "bending" in order to make each other happy. If you read all of this and you heard the sound effect of "hmph" come out of your mouth right after rolling your eyes at the monitor, while you might not be a total control freak in the bedroom, you've definitely got some strong tendencies, chile.
3. You Are a Constant Sexual Critic
Something that I find to be really interesting about hypercritical-of-others people is they tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to being on the receiving end of critiques. Prime example — some of the main women who will talk about how small a man's member is (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" and "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)") will damn near melt into the floor if that same man says something about their stretch marks or the size of their butt. Mature people know that life doesn't work in the way where you can "dish" all day long while not being able to "take" anything at all.
Besides, when you are naked and alone with someone, it really doesn't get too much more vulnerable than that. This means that if there is any place where both of you should feel comfortable and safe as it relates to your bodies and performance, then should be it.
Am I saying that if you're not getting your needs met that you should — no pun intended — just lie down and take it? No. What I am saying, though, is whatever "constructive criticism" that you may have, make sure that 1) it is indeed constructive and 2) you deliver it in the way that you would want to receive it. Otherwise, you may discover that your partner either wants to end things (so that he can find someone who he feels more valued by) or that he will start talking to you the way that you speak to them — and you just might not like what you hear.
4. You’re Super Sexually Selfish
OK, so raise your hand if you remember the throwback R&B jam by Mýa featuring Dru Hill entitled "It's All About Me". Have you ever really just sat and processed the lyrics before? Hun-nay:
Tonight it's 'bout me, me, me, me, me
Forget about you, you, you, you , you
So, what you gonna do, do, do, do, do?
Are you gonna get it up? Get it up?
Good sex is all about reciprocity and sexually selfish people couldn't care less about this being the truth. Just recently, I was talking to a wife-friend of mine about the fact that her husband keeps thinking that since he brings a "big thang" to the bedroom that he's really doing something. As a direct result, they are now going on a few years of being virtually sexless because she feels like sex has become more of a service than a mutually-enjoyable experience.
You know what, though? I've had some men vent to me about similar issues — that sex only happens when they initiate and "the little things that they like" seem to only transpire on special occasions and/or when their partner is trying to get something out of them (one day, we need to discuss what sexual manipulation looks like too). When sex is approached from this angle, not only is it a sign of being super self-consumed but it's also a form of control — you've told yourself that you will use sex as a way to get things, that sex is transactional. Romanticize it however you want, but that's pretty damn problematic. Real talk.
5. You’re Unwilling to Try New Things
If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before. What's "it"? The fact that one of the leading causes for why long-term relationships end is the fact that something that isn't discussed nearly enough — boredom. And please don't think that this doesn't apply to the bedroom too. While one cause of sexual dissatisfaction can be not getting your needs met, another can be getting so comfortable with how things have been happening that you fall into a predictable routine; one that consists of refusing to switch things up.
If you've never made a sex video, why is that? If it's been forever since you and your partner have checked things off of your sex bucket list, what is the problem? If you've never gone sex shopping together before (check out "I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner"), there's no time like the present. Life is all about trying new things because that's how you grow. If you'd rather be stubborn and only do what you've been doing for years on end, that means you're trying to hinder progress. There's nothing good, smart, or impressive about that.
6. You Are “Sexually Moody”
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "Are You Someone Who Suffers From 'Sexual Mood Swings'?". Another way that I refer to this is "false advertising" and whew, I can't tell you how often I deal with this in counseling sessions. What is false advertising all about? These are the kinds of people who give the impression that they are sexually one way (especially while dating) and then, out of nowhere, completely switch it up. Case in point — a husband once told me that he actually was the one who wanted to wait during the dating season of his relationship with his wife, just to make sure they were on solid footing. She kept persisting and so they eventually had sex. Great sex. Consistent sex. Sexy sex. All of the time. Then, about a year into their marriage, she started trying to deflect from copulation, telling him that sex is all he thinks about and she's not in the mood. What in the world?
After having a few sessions with them, the conclusion I've come to is sex was being somewhat manipulated when they were dating in order for her to get the ring. Now that she has it, she's gotten comfortable not being the kind of sexually voracious woman that she once was. And because of this, she has her husband on quite a roller coaster ride as he tries to figure out just what their sex life looks like — now that he's "locked-in."
And just how can moodiness be a form of control? Simple. When you're all over the place and no one can figure you out, it puts them on eggshells which makes them so uncomfortable that they are constantly trying to handle you with kid gloves — and yes, there is something that is pretty manipulative and also unfair about that. Stability is a beautiful thing. In the bedroom, it's sexy AF. Literally.
7. You’re an Egomaniac
Ugh. Pardon the pun but cocky people in the bedroom are the absolute worst. They tend to think they are better than their partner. They assume that because something might've worked with someone else that it will work with who they are currently sleeping with. Their partner might express their wants and needs yet they will dismiss both because they think that the honor of being with them should trump all else. They tend to assume that they are bomb at all avenues of sex even though their partners may feel otherwise. They have a sense of entitlement (you should give me whatever I want, just because I said so). I could go on and on. And here's the thing — when someone brings all of that arrogant energy into the bedroom, they can't help but want to control everything because they feel like they should. Again, the worst.
Having a sense of sexual confidence is one thing. It's beautiful and it's needed. But that "I am the prize" mentality that is SO BIG that you don't treat the moment you are sharing with your partner as being something special and while letting them know that they too have value is something that is keeping you from experiencing better sensations than what your ego may be currently granting you.
A freak in the bedroom? I am all for it. A control freak? That's a hard pass. Because if you feel like it's all about you and your needs…what do you need me for? There are other options…for that.
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- You Just Might Be A Control Freak (In Recovery) - xoNecole ... ›
- How To Ask For What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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