

7 Signs You're A Total Control Freak. In Bed.
I'm just gonna warn you now — while one day I might pen something that addresses the signs of being a total freak in the bedroom, this piece right here isn't something that I would categorize as being a good thing. Nah, what we're gonna tackle here is what happens when you're someone who is so controlling in virtually every aspect of your life, you don't even know how to ease up, even if it's just a little bit, when it comes to sex. And because of that, whether you realize it or not, it's costing you what could be so much more of a satisfying experience.
The fascinating thing about control freaks is oftentimes they are so caught up in what they think everyone else should be doing better that they don't even see where they are falling short. So, if you're curious, I'll share seven signs that wanting to run the show is causing your sex life to be…let's go with lackluster (just ask your partner).
1. Your Dirty Talk Sounds More Like a Drill Sergeant
How many of y'all remember the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson)? Anyway, whenever I think about vocally bossy women in bed, I think about a scene in it where Wayman (Joseph C. Phillips) was having sex with his girlfriend, Diedre (Anne-Marie Johnson) and she was even annoying me with all of her "up, down", "right, left" — geez…shuuuuuuut uuuuuuup. The thing about being a true master at dirty talk is your words should be conveyed in such a way that it turns both you and your partner on to hear them. Matter of fact, I'll raise that point and say that it should also evoke your partner to want to actually engage in the sexy banter with you.
Listen, I don't know a man (short of fem-dom dynamics which is another article for another time) who wants to feel like he's in some sort of boot camp with his partner — shoot, whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it. So, if that's the way you've been going about doing things, you might want to switch that ish up a bit. I'll bet my next paycheck that you'll get far better results if/when you do.
2. There Is No Compromising. At All.
Even if you're not physically flexible, you should be all about being sexually flexible. What I mean by that is, while your body might not allow you to be a sexual contortionist of sorts (sometimes guys will really be trying to act like we're a slinky with no nerve endings…geez), if you want to be thought of as a great lover, that requires being someone who is open to compromise. I know some folks who hate to kiss (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), but if you've got a partner who is the exact opposite, kiss sometimes. I definitely know some women who hate giving head (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?") yet my take on that always is, "If you don't want to give or receive and your partner is fine with that, cool but if you want to receive and you never give, somebody is trippin' and it ain't him." That said, there are workarounds that can make the experience more pleasant for you (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"). Maybe you prefer sex in the morning while he does late at night. Sleep naked and let things happen naturally, whether that's at midnight or 3 a.m.
The point here is sex is best when both partners are willing to do some "bending" in order to make each other happy. If you read all of this and you heard the sound effect of "hmph" come out of your mouth right after rolling your eyes at the monitor, while you might not be a total control freak in the bedroom, you've definitely got some strong tendencies, chile.
3. You Are a Constant Sexual Critic
Something that I find to be really interesting about hypercritical-of-others people is they tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to being on the receiving end of critiques. Prime example — some of the main women who will talk about how small a man's member is (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" and "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)") will damn near melt into the floor if that same man says something about their stretch marks or the size of their butt. Mature people know that life doesn't work in the way where you can "dish" all day long while not being able to "take" anything at all.
Besides, when you are naked and alone with someone, it really doesn't get too much more vulnerable than that. This means that if there is any place where both of you should feel comfortable and safe as it relates to your bodies and performance, then should be it.
Am I saying that if you're not getting your needs met that you should — no pun intended — just lie down and take it? No. What I am saying, though, is whatever "constructive criticism" that you may have, make sure that 1) it is indeed constructive and 2) you deliver it in the way that you would want to receive it. Otherwise, you may discover that your partner either wants to end things (so that he can find someone who he feels more valued by) or that he will start talking to you the way that you speak to them — and you just might not like what you hear.
4. You’re Super Sexually Selfish
OK, so raise your hand if you remember the throwback R&B jam by Mýa featuring Dru Hill entitled "It's All About Me". Have you ever really just sat and processed the lyrics before? Hun-nay:
Tonight it's 'bout me, me, me, me, me
Forget about you, you, you, you , you
So, what you gonna do, do, do, do, do?
Are you gonna get it up? Get it up?
Good sex is all about reciprocity and sexually selfish people couldn't care less about this being the truth. Just recently, I was talking to a wife-friend of mine about the fact that her husband keeps thinking that since he brings a "big thang" to the bedroom that he's really doing something. As a direct result, they are now going on a few years of being virtually sexless because she feels like sex has become more of a service than a mutually-enjoyable experience.
You know what, though? I've had some men vent to me about similar issues — that sex only happens when they initiate and "the little things that they like" seem to only transpire on special occasions and/or when their partner is trying to get something out of them (one day, we need to discuss what sexual manipulation looks like too). When sex is approached from this angle, not only is it a sign of being super self-consumed but it's also a form of control — you've told yourself that you will use sex as a way to get things, that sex is transactional. Romanticize it however you want, but that's pretty damn problematic. Real talk.
5. You’re Unwilling to Try New Things
If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before. What's "it"? The fact that one of the leading causes for why long-term relationships end is the fact that something that isn't discussed nearly enough — boredom. And please don't think that this doesn't apply to the bedroom too. While one cause of sexual dissatisfaction can be not getting your needs met, another can be getting so comfortable with how things have been happening that you fall into a predictable routine; one that consists of refusing to switch things up.
If you've never made a sex video, why is that? If it's been forever since you and your partner have checked things off of your sex bucket list, what is the problem? If you've never gone sex shopping together before (check out "I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner"), there's no time like the present. Life is all about trying new things because that's how you grow. If you'd rather be stubborn and only do what you've been doing for years on end, that means you're trying to hinder progress. There's nothing good, smart, or impressive about that.
6. You Are “Sexually Moody”
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "Are You Someone Who Suffers From 'Sexual Mood Swings'?". Another way that I refer to this is "false advertising" and whew, I can't tell you how often I deal with this in counseling sessions. What is false advertising all about? These are the kinds of people who give the impression that they are sexually one way (especially while dating) and then, out of nowhere, completely switch it up. Case in point — a husband once told me that he actually was the one who wanted to wait during the dating season of his relationship with his wife, just to make sure they were on solid footing. She kept persisting and so they eventually had sex. Great sex. Consistent sex. Sexy sex. All of the time. Then, about a year into their marriage, she started trying to deflect from copulation, telling him that sex is all he thinks about and she's not in the mood. What in the world?
After having a few sessions with them, the conclusion I've come to is sex was being somewhat manipulated when they were dating in order for her to get the ring. Now that she has it, she's gotten comfortable not being the kind of sexually voracious woman that she once was. And because of this, she has her husband on quite a roller coaster ride as he tries to figure out just what their sex life looks like — now that he's "locked-in."
And just how can moodiness be a form of control? Simple. When you're all over the place and no one can figure you out, it puts them on eggshells which makes them so uncomfortable that they are constantly trying to handle you with kid gloves — and yes, there is something that is pretty manipulative and also unfair about that. Stability is a beautiful thing. In the bedroom, it's sexy AF. Literally.
7. You’re an Egomaniac
Ugh. Pardon the pun but cocky people in the bedroom are the absolute worst. They tend to think they are better than their partner. They assume that because something might've worked with someone else that it will work with who they are currently sleeping with. Their partner might express their wants and needs yet they will dismiss both because they think that the honor of being with them should trump all else. They tend to assume that they are bomb at all avenues of sex even though their partners may feel otherwise. They have a sense of entitlement (you should give me whatever I want, just because I said so). I could go on and on. And here's the thing — when someone brings all of that arrogant energy into the bedroom, they can't help but want to control everything because they feel like they should. Again, the worst.
Having a sense of sexual confidence is one thing. It's beautiful and it's needed. But that "I am the prize" mentality that is SO BIG that you don't treat the moment you are sharing with your partner as being something special and while letting them know that they too have value is something that is keeping you from experiencing better sensations than what your ego may be currently granting you.
A freak in the bedroom? I am all for it. A control freak? That's a hard pass. Because if you feel like it's all about you and your needs…what do you need me for? There are other options…for that.
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Jodie Turner-Smith Files For Divorce From Joshua Jackson After Nearly 4 Years Of Marriage
2023 has become the year of celebrity breakups with headlines breaking left and right about celebs filing for divorce or ending high-profile relationships. The latest couple to announce their dissolution? British actress Jodie Turner-Smith. TMZ reported that Jodie has filed for a divorce from her husband, Dawson Creek alum Joshua Jackson.
As far as her reason for calling it quits, Jodie cited "irreconcilable differences," according to TMZ, and has requested joint custody of the couple's daughter, Juno Rose Diana Jackson. Late last year there were rumblings of there being "trouble in paradise" for the couple after the media realized they were no longer following each other on Instagram.
Those rumors were more than laid to rest when Jodie and Joshua went to the 2023 Oscars together earlier this year, and even more recently, when they celebrated her birthday together last month during the September unveiling of the Lotus Emeya.
Jodie Turner-Smith celebrates her birthday with husband Joshua Jackson at the unveiling of the new fully-electric Lotus Emeya on September 07, 2023 in New York City.
Brian Ach/Getty Images for Lotus
Despite seeming particularly happy and in love, perhaps the writing was already written on the wall even then. In the past, Jodie has been very celebratory publicly about her love for her estranged husband, even boldly recounting their love story for the books in a 2021 interview with Seth Meyers.
When Jodie and Joshua met, it was while at his birthday party in 2018. Their relationship was hot and heavy from the start, with Jodie openly noting that they began as a "one-night stand." During her 2021 interview with Seth Meyers, she jokingly referred to their love story as a "three-year one-night stand." She shared:
"First of all, I saw him before he saw me and when I saw him, I was like, 'I want that.' And then when he saw me, I just pretended like I didn't see him. He had to yell across the room to me, and I was wearing this T-shirt from a movie called Sorry to Bother You and [actress] Tessa Thompson plays a character called Detroit, and she has this T-shirt that says, 'The Future Is Female Ejaculation.'
"And so, he shouts across the room, 'Detroit!' He comes over and… does this really cute, charming thing that he does and just all night -- he just basically followed me around the party."
The couple were together from that moment forth, and even made things "Instagram official" less than two weeks later while on a dinner date. Joshua would later clarify to Insider that the night they met in 2018 was not a 'one-night stand' or a 'three-year one-night stand' like his then-wife joked but instead, it was "technically a three-night stand."
"It was sealed with a kiss that night and then we didn't leave each other's sides for, well, three years now," Joshua continued at the time.
In a July 2021 interview with Jimmy Fallon, Joshua dropped more details about the why behind getting married. He revealed that he didn't know he wanted to get married to Jodie until "the moment she asked me."
"She asked me on New Year's Eve. We were in Nicaragua. It was very beautiful, incredibly romantic, we were walking down the beach and she asked me to marry her."
He added, "I did not know [she would propose], but she was quite adamant and she was right. This is the best choice I ever made."
Joshua Jackson Reveals Jodie Turner-Smith Proposed To Him
Jodie received quite a bit of flack for proposing to Joshua because it goes against tradition and what society sees as acceptable for a woman to do to a man, and proposing isn't one of them. No matter how much time has passed, the viewpoints around who should do the proposing and who should be proposed to are still very traditional.
After being on the receiving end of such backlash, Joshua would later clarify to the media in a separate interview that it wasn't just Jodie's proposal to him that sealed the deal of them getting married, he proposed to her too. She might have initiated it, but Joshua followed through.
"I accidentally threw my wife under the bus because that story was told quickly and it didn't give the full context and holy Jesus, the internet is racist and misogynist," he explained to Refinery29 that same year. "We were in Nicaragua on a beautiful moonlit night, it could not possibly have been more romantic."
David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images
He continued, "And yes, my wife did propose to me and yes, I did say yes, but what I didn't say in that interview was there was a caveat, which is that I'm still old school enough that I said, 'This is a yes, but you have to give me the opportunity [to do it too].'"
"She has a biological father and a stepdad, who's the man who raised her. [I said], 'You have to give me the opportunity to ask both of those men for your hand in marriage.' And then, 'I would like the opportunity to re-propose to you and do it the old-fashioned way down on bended knee.' So, that's actually how the story ended up."
Joshua and Jodie would eventually marry in December 2019. Shortly thereafter, Jodie gave birth to the couple's first child, Janie, in 2020.
In a recent interview with Elle UK, Jodie shared the ways becoming a mother to Juno helped to heal her of her wounds from colorism she experienced in the past. "It's interesting because I had a lot of resistance to becoming a mother and, throughout my life, I always said if I were to have children, I wanted to have Black, Black babies so that I could affirm them as children with the love that I felt I needed to have been affirmed with by the outside world," Jodie shared with the outlet.
She continued, "Then I fell in love with my husband and we talked about having kids. I did have this mini pause, where I was like, 'She's going to be walking through the world not only having an experience that I did not have, but looking like people that, in a way, I'd always felt a little bit tormented by.' Now that I've got this little, tiny, light-skinned boss, I feel like it’s the universe teaching me lessons. I've been given a daughter who looks this way to heal my own conversations around colorism."
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Featured image by Amy Sussman/Getty Images