7 Signs You're A Total Control Freak. In Bed.
I'm just gonna warn you now — while one day I might pen something that addresses the signs of being a total freak in the bedroom, this piece right here isn't something that I would categorize as being a good thing. Nah, what we're gonna tackle here is what happens when you're someone who is so controlling in virtually every aspect of your life, you don't even know how to ease up, even if it's just a little bit, when it comes to sex. And because of that, whether you realize it or not, it's costing you what could be so much more of a satisfying experience.
The fascinating thing about control freaks is oftentimes they are so caught up in what they think everyone else should be doing better that they don't even see where they are falling short. So, if you're curious, I'll share seven signs that wanting to run the show is causing your sex life to be…let's go with lackluster (just ask your partner).
1. Your Dirty Talk Sounds More Like a Drill Sergeant
How many of y'all remember the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson)? Anyway, whenever I think about vocally bossy women in bed, I think about a scene in it where Wayman (Joseph C. Phillips) was having sex with his girlfriend, Diedre (Anne-Marie Johnson) and she was even annoying me with all of her "up, down", "right, left" — geez…shuuuuuuut uuuuuuup. The thing about being a true master at dirty talk is your words should be conveyed in such a way that it turns both you and your partner on to hear them. Matter of fact, I'll raise that point and say that it should also evoke your partner to want to actually engage in the sexy banter with you.
Listen, I don't know a man (short of fem-dom dynamics which is another article for another time) who wants to feel like he's in some sort of boot camp with his partner — shoot, whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it. So, if that's the way you've been going about doing things, you might want to switch that ish up a bit. I'll bet my next paycheck that you'll get far better results if/when you do.
2. There Is No Compromising. At All.
Even if you're not physically flexible, you should be all about being sexually flexible. What I mean by that is, while your body might not allow you to be a sexual contortionist of sorts (sometimes guys will really be trying to act like we're a slinky with no nerve endings…geez), if you want to be thought of as a great lover, that requires being someone who is open to compromise. I know some folks who hate to kiss (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), but if you've got a partner who is the exact opposite, kiss sometimes. I definitely know some women who hate giving head (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?") yet my take on that always is, "If you don't want to give or receive and your partner is fine with that, cool but if you want to receive and you never give, somebody is trippin' and it ain't him." That said, there are workarounds that can make the experience more pleasant for you (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"). Maybe you prefer sex in the morning while he does late at night. Sleep naked and let things happen naturally, whether that's at midnight or 3 a.m.
The point here is sex is best when both partners are willing to do some "bending" in order to make each other happy. If you read all of this and you heard the sound effect of "hmph" come out of your mouth right after rolling your eyes at the monitor, while you might not be a total control freak in the bedroom, you've definitely got some strong tendencies, chile.
3. You Are a Constant Sexual Critic
Something that I find to be really interesting about hypercritical-of-others people is they tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to being on the receiving end of critiques. Prime example — some of the main women who will talk about how small a man's member is (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" and "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)") will damn near melt into the floor if that same man says something about their stretch marks or the size of their butt. Mature people know that life doesn't work in the way where you can "dish" all day long while not being able to "take" anything at all.
Besides, when you are naked and alone with someone, it really doesn't get too much more vulnerable than that. This means that if there is any place where both of you should feel comfortable and safe as it relates to your bodies and performance, then should be it.
Am I saying that if you're not getting your needs met that you should — no pun intended — just lie down and take it? No. What I am saying, though, is whatever "constructive criticism" that you may have, make sure that 1) it is indeed constructive and 2) you deliver it in the way that you would want to receive it. Otherwise, you may discover that your partner either wants to end things (so that he can find someone who he feels more valued by) or that he will start talking to you the way that you speak to them — and you just might not like what you hear.
4. You’re Super Sexually Selfish
OK, so raise your hand if you remember the throwback R&B jam by Mýa featuring Dru Hill entitled "It's All About Me". Have you ever really just sat and processed the lyrics before? Hun-nay:
Tonight it's 'bout me, me, me, me, me
Forget about you, you, you, you , you
So, what you gonna do, do, do, do, do?
Are you gonna get it up? Get it up?
Good sex is all about reciprocity and sexually selfish people couldn't care less about this being the truth. Just recently, I was talking to a wife-friend of mine about the fact that her husband keeps thinking that since he brings a "big thang" to the bedroom that he's really doing something. As a direct result, they are now going on a few years of being virtually sexless because she feels like sex has become more of a service than a mutually-enjoyable experience.
You know what, though? I've had some men vent to me about similar issues — that sex only happens when they initiate and "the little things that they like" seem to only transpire on special occasions and/or when their partner is trying to get something out of them (one day, we need to discuss what sexual manipulation looks like too). When sex is approached from this angle, not only is it a sign of being super self-consumed but it's also a form of control — you've told yourself that you will use sex as a way to get things, that sex is transactional. Romanticize it however you want, but that's pretty damn problematic. Real talk.
5. You’re Unwilling to Try New Things
If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before. What's "it"? The fact that one of the leading causes for why long-term relationships end is the fact that something that isn't discussed nearly enough — boredom. And please don't think that this doesn't apply to the bedroom too. While one cause of sexual dissatisfaction can be not getting your needs met, another can be getting so comfortable with how things have been happening that you fall into a predictable routine; one that consists of refusing to switch things up.
If you've never made a sex video, why is that? If it's been forever since you and your partner have checked things off of your sex bucket list, what is the problem? If you've never gone sex shopping together before (check out "I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner"), there's no time like the present. Life is all about trying new things because that's how you grow. If you'd rather be stubborn and only do what you've been doing for years on end, that means you're trying to hinder progress. There's nothing good, smart, or impressive about that.
6. You Are “Sexually Moody”
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "Are You Someone Who Suffers From 'Sexual Mood Swings'?". Another way that I refer to this is "false advertising" and whew, I can't tell you how often I deal with this in counseling sessions. What is false advertising all about? These are the kinds of people who give the impression that they are sexually one way (especially while dating) and then, out of nowhere, completely switch it up. Case in point — a husband once told me that he actually was the one who wanted to wait during the dating season of his relationship with his wife, just to make sure they were on solid footing. She kept persisting and so they eventually had sex. Great sex. Consistent sex. Sexy sex. All of the time. Then, about a year into their marriage, she started trying to deflect from copulation, telling him that sex is all he thinks about and she's not in the mood. What in the world?
After having a few sessions with them, the conclusion I've come to is sex was being somewhat manipulated when they were dating in order for her to get the ring. Now that she has it, she's gotten comfortable not being the kind of sexually voracious woman that she once was. And because of this, she has her husband on quite a roller coaster ride as he tries to figure out just what their sex life looks like — now that he's "locked-in."
And just how can moodiness be a form of control? Simple. When you're all over the place and no one can figure you out, it puts them on eggshells which makes them so uncomfortable that they are constantly trying to handle you with kid gloves — and yes, there is something that is pretty manipulative and also unfair about that. Stability is a beautiful thing. In the bedroom, it's sexy AF. Literally.
7. You’re an Egomaniac
Ugh. Pardon the pun but cocky people in the bedroom are the absolute worst. They tend to think they are better than their partner. They assume that because something might've worked with someone else that it will work with who they are currently sleeping with. Their partner might express their wants and needs yet they will dismiss both because they think that the honor of being with them should trump all else. They tend to assume that they are bomb at all avenues of sex even though their partners may feel otherwise. They have a sense of entitlement (you should give me whatever I want, just because I said so). I could go on and on. And here's the thing — when someone brings all of that arrogant energy into the bedroom, they can't help but want to control everything because they feel like they should. Again, the worst.
Having a sense of sexual confidence is one thing. It's beautiful and it's needed. But that "I am the prize" mentality that is SO BIG that you don't treat the moment you are sharing with your partner as being something special and while letting them know that they too have value is something that is keeping you from experiencing better sensations than what your ego may be currently granting you.
A freak in the bedroom? I am all for it. A control freak? That's a hard pass. Because if you feel like it's all about you and your needs…what do you need me for? There are other options…for that.
Featured image by Giphy
- You Just Might Be A Control Freak (In Recovery) - xoNecole ... ›
- How To Ask For What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images