

I'm just gonna warn you now — while one day I might pen something that addresses the signs of being a total freak in the bedroom, this piece right here isn't something that I would categorize as being a good thing. Nah, what we're gonna tackle here is what happens when you're someone who is so controlling in virtually every aspect of your life, you don't even know how to ease up, even if it's just a little bit, when it comes to sex. And because of that, whether you realize it or not, it's costing you what could be so much more of a satisfying experience.
The fascinating thing about control freaks is oftentimes they are so caught up in what they think everyone else should be doing better that they don't even see where they are falling short. So, if you're curious, I'll share seven signs that wanting to run the show is causing your sex life to be…let's go with lackluster (just ask your partner).
1. Your Dirty Talk Sounds More Like a Drill Sergeant
How many of y'all remember the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson)? Anyway, whenever I think about vocally bossy women in bed, I think about a scene in it where Wayman (Joseph C. Phillips) was having sex with his girlfriend, Diedre (Anne-Marie Johnson) and she was even annoying me with all of her "up, down", "right, left" — geez…shuuuuuuut uuuuuuup. The thing about being a true master at dirty talk is your words should be conveyed in such a way that it turns both you and your partner on to hear them. Matter of fact, I'll raise that point and say that it should also evoke your partner to want to actually engage in the sexy banter with you.
Listen, I don't know a man (short of fem-dom dynamics which is another article for another time) who wants to feel like he's in some sort of boot camp with his partner — shoot, whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it. So, if that's the way you've been going about doing things, you might want to switch that ish up a bit. I'll bet my next paycheck that you'll get far better results if/when you do.
2. There Is No Compromising. At All.
Even if you're not physically flexible, you should be all about being sexually flexible. What I mean by that is, while your body might not allow you to be a sexual contortionist of sorts (sometimes guys will really be trying to act like we're a slinky with no nerve endings…geez), if you want to be thought of as a great lover, that requires being someone who is open to compromise. I know some folks who hate to kiss (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), but if you've got a partner who is the exact opposite, kiss sometimes. I definitely know some women who hate giving head (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?") yet my take on that always is, "If you don't want to give or receive and your partner is fine with that, cool but if you want to receive and you never give, somebody is trippin' and it ain't him." That said, there are workarounds that can make the experience more pleasant for you (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"). Maybe you prefer sex in the morning while he does late at night. Sleep naked and let things happen naturally, whether that's at midnight or 3 a.m.
The point here is sex is best when both partners are willing to do some "bending" in order to make each other happy. If you read all of this and you heard the sound effect of "hmph" come out of your mouth right after rolling your eyes at the monitor, while you might not be a total control freak in the bedroom, you've definitely got some strong tendencies, chile.
3. You Are a Constant Sexual Critic
Something that I find to be really interesting about hypercritical-of-others people is they tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to being on the receiving end of critiques. Prime example — some of the main women who will talk about how small a man's member is (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" and "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)") will damn near melt into the floor if that same man says something about their stretch marks or the size of their butt. Mature people know that life doesn't work in the way where you can "dish" all day long while not being able to "take" anything at all.
Besides, when you are naked and alone with someone, it really doesn't get too much more vulnerable than that. This means that if there is any place where both of you should feel comfortable and safe as it relates to your bodies and performance, then should be it.
Am I saying that if you're not getting your needs met that you should — no pun intended — just lie down and take it? No. What I am saying, though, is whatever "constructive criticism" that you may have, make sure that 1) it is indeed constructive and 2) you deliver it in the way that you would want to receive it. Otherwise, you may discover that your partner either wants to end things (so that he can find someone who he feels more valued by) or that he will start talking to you the way that you speak to them — and you just might not like what you hear.
4. You’re Super Sexually Selfish
OK, so raise your hand if you remember the throwback R&B jam by Mýa featuring Dru Hill entitled "It's All About Me". Have you ever really just sat and processed the lyrics before? Hun-nay:
Tonight it's 'bout me, me, me, me, me
Forget about you, you, you, you , you
So, what you gonna do, do, do, do, do?
Are you gonna get it up? Get it up?
Good sex is all about reciprocity and sexually selfish people couldn't care less about this being the truth. Just recently, I was talking to a wife-friend of mine about the fact that her husband keeps thinking that since he brings a "big thang" to the bedroom that he's really doing something. As a direct result, they are now going on a few years of being virtually sexless because she feels like sex has become more of a service than a mutually-enjoyable experience.
You know what, though? I've had some men vent to me about similar issues — that sex only happens when they initiate and "the little things that they like" seem to only transpire on special occasions and/or when their partner is trying to get something out of them (one day, we need to discuss what sexual manipulation looks like too). When sex is approached from this angle, not only is it a sign of being super self-consumed but it's also a form of control — you've told yourself that you will use sex as a way to get things, that sex is transactional. Romanticize it however you want, but that's pretty damn problematic. Real talk.
5. You’re Unwilling to Try New Things
If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before. What's "it"? The fact that one of the leading causes for why long-term relationships end is the fact that something that isn't discussed nearly enough — boredom. And please don't think that this doesn't apply to the bedroom too. While one cause of sexual dissatisfaction can be not getting your needs met, another can be getting so comfortable with how things have been happening that you fall into a predictable routine; one that consists of refusing to switch things up.
If you've never made a sex video, why is that? If it's been forever since you and your partner have checked things off of your sex bucket list, what is the problem? If you've never gone sex shopping together before (check out "I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner"), there's no time like the present. Life is all about trying new things because that's how you grow. If you'd rather be stubborn and only do what you've been doing for years on end, that means you're trying to hinder progress. There's nothing good, smart, or impressive about that.
6. You Are “Sexually Moody”
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "Are You Someone Who Suffers From 'Sexual Mood Swings'?". Another way that I refer to this is "false advertising" and whew, I can't tell you how often I deal with this in counseling sessions. What is false advertising all about? These are the kinds of people who give the impression that they are sexually one way (especially while dating) and then, out of nowhere, completely switch it up. Case in point — a husband once told me that he actually was the one who wanted to wait during the dating season of his relationship with his wife, just to make sure they were on solid footing. She kept persisting and so they eventually had sex. Great sex. Consistent sex. Sexy sex. All of the time. Then, about a year into their marriage, she started trying to deflect from copulation, telling him that sex is all he thinks about and she's not in the mood. What in the world?
After having a few sessions with them, the conclusion I've come to is sex was being somewhat manipulated when they were dating in order for her to get the ring. Now that she has it, she's gotten comfortable not being the kind of sexually voracious woman that she once was. And because of this, she has her husband on quite a roller coaster ride as he tries to figure out just what their sex life looks like — now that he's "locked-in."
And just how can moodiness be a form of control? Simple. When you're all over the place and no one can figure you out, it puts them on eggshells which makes them so uncomfortable that they are constantly trying to handle you with kid gloves — and yes, there is something that is pretty manipulative and also unfair about that. Stability is a beautiful thing. In the bedroom, it's sexy AF. Literally.
7. You’re an Egomaniac
Ugh. Pardon the pun but cocky people in the bedroom are the absolute worst. They tend to think they are better than their partner. They assume that because something might've worked with someone else that it will work with who they are currently sleeping with. Their partner might express their wants and needs yet they will dismiss both because they think that the honor of being with them should trump all else. They tend to assume that they are bomb at all avenues of sex even though their partners may feel otherwise. They have a sense of entitlement (you should give me whatever I want, just because I said so). I could go on and on. And here's the thing — when someone brings all of that arrogant energy into the bedroom, they can't help but want to control everything because they feel like they should. Again, the worst.
Having a sense of sexual confidence is one thing. It's beautiful and it's needed. But that "I am the prize" mentality that is SO BIG that you don't treat the moment you are sharing with your partner as being something special and while letting them know that they too have value is something that is keeping you from experiencing better sensations than what your ego may be currently granting you.
A freak in the bedroom? I am all for it. A control freak? That's a hard pass. Because if you feel like it's all about you and your needs…what do you need me for? There are other options…for that.
Featured image by Giphy
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
Successful Black Women Share Real Networking Tips That Actually Work
Networking can be enjoyable or a total cringe-fest, especially in a post-pandemic world of hybrid-remote confusion. It can seem challenging to really connect with people when they've either opted to work from home for good or they're reluctantly dragging themselves into the office two days a week wishing they could work from home.
Also, virtual networking has its own awkward and sometimes downright unappealing moments. I mean, how do you really get to know someone who's probably multitasking five other things while on the call with you, had little desire to turn their camera on, and is possibly not even wearing pants? It seems like everyone is juggling a lot and simply trying to survive, not focused on making new friends, work besties, or business partners.
Well, don't let the pessimism set in just yet. There are still many people out there who are open to new connections (or at least continuing to cultivate and build on old ones). And there is still value in authentic networking where you're able to not only find kindred industry spirits to chat about everyday issues you face at work, but destiny helpers who are divinely placed in your life for the most positive and fabulous life advancement you've ever seen.
Get inspired by these real-life stories of women professionals and entrepreneurs who have witnessed, firsthand, the power of true connection through networking:
Dr. Amber L. Wright, Keynote Speaker & Executive Coach, Words Well Said
DFinney Photo
On the true key to networking that actually works: "Focusing on building relationships versus transactions is also important for creating meaningful connections and expanding your network."
On a networking experience that led to results: "While attending a conference, I met a woman who did a fantastic job as a panel moderator. She had a great stage presence and was dressed impeccably. After the panel, I approached her to say hello and offer my compliments on how well she did. She thanked me for the kind words and we struck up a conversation, ending with the proverbial promise to keep in touch."
"We both kept that promise and stayed in touch via social media. That eventually led to offline conversations, resulting in us sharing opportunities to advance both of our businesses."
"She is now the CEO of a leadership development firm and in partnering with her, I have experienced significant financial growth in my business as a keynote speaker and executive coach. That one interaction all of those years ago has resulted in one of my most rewarding personal and professional relationships!"
On a one-on-one networking experience that built impact: "I had a virtual co-working session with someone I didn’t know (via a co-working app), that resulted in us sharing a bit about what we do and connecting on LinkedIn. Months later, she randomly tagged me in a call for speakers, which led to me being hired as the opening keynote speaker for that conference."
Dontaira Terrell, Journalist & Publisher, The Buckeye Review
Courtesy, DontairaTerrell.com
On proactivity despite rejection: “My initial story pitches were unsuccessful, but I maintained a strong relationship with my former colleague. I consistently shared updates and offered support, cultivating a valuable connection."
This proactive approach unexpectedly led to an opportunity when a legacy brand needed management assistance for its annual premiere event.
On dynamic results: "She immediately recommended me for the position, and within a week, I was collaborating with their executive team, successfully bringing their high-profile event to life.”
How To Make Real Connections Through Networking In 2025
Today's networking, especially in an environment where millions of professionals are working remote or hybrid, it's all about authenticity, collaboration, and service. Oftentimes, opportunities come through people who simply like one another and have things in common. People like to work with people who are not only performers but who are a joy to know and work with.
Posting consistently on LinkedIn, actively engaging by sharing relevant information and opportunities, and responding to comments are great ways to break the ice and meet new high-achieving professionals. Also, practicing networking with smaller groups via meet-ups, happy hours and brunches is still valuable versus only focusing your time and money on larger conferences or work-mandated experiences.
And don't wait until you need something (like a new job after a sudden job loss or a source of investment for a new project). Be proactive and get into the practice of cultivating relationships whether you see an immediate return on investment or not.
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images