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Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)

Not all penises are created equal. But all can be mighty good.

Sex

If you've already read articles on the site like "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises" and "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go", then you know that I have never shied away from writing about penises. Personally, I adore them. They've provided me with many fond memories over the years. And because I've experienced 14 different ones (oral sex and intercourse wise; I've seen a few more than that), I've come to realize—and accept—that just like each man comes with his own level of uniqueness, so does his penis. And since no two penises are exactly alike, each kind requires a different kind of, finessing, if you will.

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That's what we're gonna touch on—no pun intended—today. 12 different things about penises that you may encounter and how to handle them—again no pun intended—so that you can get as much joy and pleasure out of them as possible. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Now dive in.

1. Gherkin

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If gherkin is a name that you're familiar with but you can't exactly remember why, they're pickles. Some penises have earned this nickname because they are smaller than average (which means they are less than roughly five inches long whenever they are erect). Keeping in mind that your most intense nerve endings are within two inches of your vagina, a gherkin can still get the job done. The main thing to keep in mind is, for maximum penetration, positions like doggy style, cowgirl (you know, being on top), having your legs pushed behind you or putting a pillow underneath you while you're on your back are gonna be your best.

Oh, and definitely avoid asking questions like, "Are you in yet?" or faking orgasms, thinking that it will help a man with a smaller than average's penis ego. He's been aware of his penis way longer than you have. He is not shocked by his size. No need to shame him or—on the other side of the spectrum—lie to him. The jig is up. Just have an open mind about what smaller penises are able to do and let him pleasantly surprise you.

2. Eggplant

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Here's the tripped out thing about the actual eggplant—it's not a huge penis; it's one that tends to be shorter than average while having a significant amount of girth (which is actually, when it comes to having consistent orgasms, better than the opposite scenario, which we'll get to in a bit). Matter of fact, eggplants are hailed for being able to get the job done in ways that most penises cannot. As far as positions go, just about any one of 'em work. The main hack to keep in mind here is the use of extra lubrication can make your partner entering you feel much more comfortable, so can extending foreplay time. However, if you're a "the deeper, the better" kind of woman, sitting on the end of something (like a countertop) while he penetrates you or being on your stomach during sex can help make you climax a lot quicker.

3. Rocket Popsicle

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Some penises are actually wider and thicker down at the bottom of them and then they get thinner down towards the head. Hence, the nickname "rocket popsicle" (some of y'all remember those, right?). In order to get the most out of this kind of member, sex where you are sitting upright is a good idea. That way, you can feel the base of his penis as much as possible.

4. Burrito

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Can you guess what a burrito is? It's basically someone who has a big penis—lots of length and a good amount of girth. How do you know exactly who qualifies? Well, believe it or not, if a man is over seven inches when he's erect, that's considered to be a pretty nice-size burrito. So, what has made us think that we need someone who is 9" or more. Porn, for the most part. That's another article for another time, though. As far as sex with a burrito goes, getting into sex positions that allow you to control how much or little you are penetrated is always smart. There's an article on the site that can help you out with this. If you read "5 Go-To Positions For When Your Partner Is Well-Endowed" and also make sure to keep some lube in tow—oh and you breathe deeply during initial penetration—you can handle it. Remember, babies come out of vaginas every day. You can handle it.

5. Pencil

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I'm assuming that a pencil penis is pretty self-explanatory, right? It's a thin straight one that is the same in width from top to bottom. While a lot of "pencils" are fairly long, the challenge is they tend to lack girth, and that can keep you from "feeling it" as much as you would like.

The hack here is for you to get into positions where you can keep your thighs closed as much as possible. Not only does it help to narrow your vaginal walls, doing this makes it easier for you to feel more friction during intercourse too. Doggy style can get this done; so can getting on your back as your partner is penetrating you while they're on their knees. When you're in this position, your feet can go on their chest with your thighs still being fairly close together. Spooning works well for pencil penises too.

6. Hammer

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Hammers are interesting. The reason why I say that is because they are basically the pencil with a bit of a twist—it has a rather large head. Since the initial penetration is the most stimulating and hammers can rub against those two-inch entry nerve endings that I've already mentioned, get into positions where your legs are able to open up as widely as possible. Missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, the face-off (where he's sitting up and you're straddling him while sitting up as well) and the seashell (where you're on your back with your legs are out to his sides) are all positions that can all give you maximum pleasure during entry as well as the act of intercourse itself.

7. Cucumber

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Let me tell it, a perfect penis is one that is healthy and provides consistent pleasure. To me this means that virtually any of these can fall into that category. However, as far as popular standards go, a cucumber has earned the prize because it's a penis that's considered to not be too big or too small; it's one that's literally just right for most women. The awesome thing about that is you can try pretty much any position and be good to go. That said, if you're ready to do some more experimenting, She Knows published a feature entitled, "69 Sex Positions You Need to Put on Your Bucket List Immediately" that includes illustrations and everything. Have fun!

8. Curved

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Something else that we need to factor in is if your partner has a curve to his penis or not. When it comes to a curve, if it's less than a thirty percent of one and it isn't painful for him, consider his curve to be completely normal (if it doesn't fit this criteria, he might have Peyronie's disease). That said, curved penises can be a blessing in disguise because they have the ability to rub you in all of the right places; specifically, your G-spot. The main thing to keep in mind in this case is what direction the curve goes in.

If his penis curves upwards when it's erect, the missionary position can get you off quickest. If it curves down, doggy style is wise. What about if it curves to the right or left? Hmm. Try having sex while spooning. Just make sure to keep the sides in mind. Meaning, if his penis curves to the left, get on your right side; if it curves to the right, get on your left side. You might be surprised by how great the sex feels, just by following this simple hack.

9. Uncircumcised

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You know what's interesting? What I've discovered is, a lot of the women who frown at uncircumcised penises tend to be the ones who have never even seen one in real life, let alone been with a man who is "uncut".

Here's the deal, though—it's actually reported that men who are a "turtleneck" can actually make women climax easier and quicker, thanks to that little bit of extra skin that they've got. They also tend to have more stamina too. So, if you've just discovered that your partner is uncircumcised, I'd release the stigma that it's problematic on any level, if I were you. You just might be in for the ride of your life. Literally.

Oh, and as far as oral sex, don't be offended if he would prefer to push his foreskin back himself. While an erect uncircumcised penis looks pretty much like a circumcised one, some men are sensitive about their foreskin and that's just fine. Oh, and don't be "scared" of it when it comes to giving head either. The extra skin can actually make performing fellatio more comfortable due to its extra bit of cushion that can feel pretty nice during the act.

10. Veiny

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What if your partner has a super veiny penis—one that, due to all of the semi lumps 'n bumps, it irritates your vagina more than you'd prefer? First, let me just say that veiny penises are pretty much genetic, nothing to be afraid of, and actually something to be somewhat grateful for because it's those veins that help your man to get and maintain his erection. Keeping all of this in mind, if you'd prefer a little less friction during intercourse, opt for some textured condoms; that can help to reduce the friction and make the sensation less, well, irritating.

11. Lava Lamp

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Some women hate fellatio (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?"). Yet even if you don't, something that can be a bit, well, much is if you happen to have a partner who pre-cums a lot (I personally call those lava lamps). Unless you are a huge semen connoisseur, the taste and amount can catch you off guard, cause you to gag or even make you want to stop altogether.

A trick that can help to keep things flowing smoothly is to switch back and forth from oral stimulation to manual stimulation, whenever you notice that some extra fluid is headed your way. You can even have a little cinnamon oil (you might want to mix it with a carrier oil like almond if the taste is too strong for you) close by so that you can put a little on your hands to mask the taste. The warmth of the oil will feel really great to him and the sweetness of it will help to make the taste of semen more…palatable.

12. Different Hues of Penile Skin

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I don't see myself ever—and I do mean, ever—being with a man who isn't Black. Not that other ethnicities aren't beautiful…I'm just unapologetically Team Black Love. Besides, in my porn-watching days, a lot of white penises used to make me feel very uncomfortable. I used to call them "angry penises" because they always looked so red.

One day, I looked up why penises come in the colors that they do. It's because sex hormones actually play a role in regulating melanocyte cells which are cells that are responsible for the amount of pigment that's in various parts of the body. Since testosterone levels play a direct role in how light or dark a man's genitalia is, if you happen to notice that your partner's penis is much darker than the rest of his body, it's probably because his testosterone levels are on the high side. Oh, and as far as the red—or even purple shades—down there, that's typically due to the blood that has rushed down to the genitalia in order to make the erection happen in the first place. The lighter someone is, the easier it is to see it.

Oh, I could go on and on, believe you me. I'll save that for another time. For now, I hope this Reader's Digest introduction to penises and what to (sexually) do with them has provided you with some clarity and perhaps, even a little bit of comfort. Because all penises are awesome. When your partner knows what he's doing—and when you know what to do in return. Feel me? Sis, I know that you do.

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