Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
My family has always said that I'm the straight-no-chaser kind of chick. Here's a visual. My mom once told me that when I was about three-years-old, we got on a bus and a woman said, "Oh, you're such a pretty little girl." My response? I didn't bashfully smile or hide behind my mother's dress. My immediate reply was an enthusiastic, "And you look like a clown!" (I mean…)
Adding to this instance, my mother has said she's pretty sure that my unapologetic outspokenness has probably made her look pretty rude throughout the years. If she was on one side of the room and I found my way to another, she would interrupt whatever someone was saying, just so she could hear—and perhaps "fix"—what was coming out of my own mouth.
Since I am pretty direct, that's why I don't fully get the point of faking orgasms. Well, let me clarify that. The very few times when I have actually done it, it was because I really wanted to hurry up and get the experience over with while not wanting to flat-out say that during the act itself. But even that comes with its own level of counterproductiveness and dysfunction (more on that in just a sec). But doing it for any other reason than not wanting to intentionally hurt someone's feelings never made sense.
Still, tons of people do it. Although orgasms should not be the goal of sexual activity (we all should embrace the journey just as much as the destination), it definitely should be a part of the experience as much as possible. But according to my findings, a lot of us—men and women alike—come up short in this department. Reportedly, 75-80 percent of women have never had a vaginal orgasm (that's an orgasm from intercourse alone) and 1 in 4 guys (25 percent) claim that they fake orgasms (will act like they came when they didn't) too.
A part of me can't help but wonder if a big part of the reason why the stats are what they are is because more of us are faking it rather than tackling the issue of not climaxing, for whatever the reason might be, head on.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you know that you fake it more often than not (or you highly suspect that your partner does), here are seven solid reasons why you should stop ASAP:
Faking It Isn't Good for Your Physical Health
There are certain proven things that an orgasm is able to do for a woman's health. It reduces stress; increases blood circulation; raises DHEA levels; soothes migraines; improves flexibility; strengthens immunity; boosts oxytocin levels (which bonds you to your partner, lowers levels of pain and also helps you to sleep better); gives your skin a healthy glow—the list is kinda endless.
And here's the thing—while some of these benefits will happen whether you have an orgasm or not, others will only come your way if the muscles that are in your vagina, uterus and anus contract and then relax. This means that you can't "fake your way" into all of these things. Some of them have to happen via a genuine orgasmic release.
So, really—why fake it when you could strive for a real orgasm and take your health to new heights?
Faking It Gives Your Partner the Wrong Impression
One time, while sitting in a counseling session with a married couple who were sharing with me the pros and cons of their sex life, the husband had a rather embarrassing a-ha moment. While he was bragging about how well he puts it down, his wife said that one of the things that irritates her is having to use her own spit to make herself wet. W-O-W. As I dug deeper, according to her, her husband rushes foreplay, doesn't like to give oral sex and is one of those bang-bang-bang dudes (they're the worst). To add insult to injury (so to speak), she'd only had an orgasm with one person and it wasn't her husband; it was an ex—an ex that she ended up cheating on her husband with, by the way.
There are sooooo many morals to this particular story, but the one that pertains most to this topic is when you fake an orgasm, you give your partner the impression that they are fully satisfying you sexually when they (probably) aren't. And how can they change or fix anything that they don't know is wrong in the first place?
Faking It Is a Form of Manipulation
Manipulation is evil. Anyone who wants to give pushback on that is probably a manipulative individual. I am firm on what I think about it because it's a cryptic form of trying to control someone. That said, I can't tell you how many wives have bragged to me about how faking orgasms has gotten them a new pair of shoes or convinced their husband to go against his better judgment on a decision.
Mind you, it's not just having sex that accomplished this (which can also a form of manipulation); it's him believing that his spouse is as into him as he is into her, her waiting until his mind is mud and then asking him to do something he probably wouldn't agree to if he wasn't coming down from his own orgasmic high.
I've read all kinds of reasons why women fake it. One of the top is using it as some form of mind control. Intimacy and manipulation should never be used in the same sentence. It taints the beauty of sex on so many levels. Ugh. Just ugh.
Faking It Oftentimes Reveals Deeper Relationship Issues
If you'll pretend that things are great in the bedroom, what keeps you from pretending in other ways when it comes to you and your man? Although sex really should be treated like the "icing" rather than the "cake" of any relationship, when two people are not sexually fulfilled with one another, it can oftentimes reveal that something else is…not going so well in other areas. Maybe it's a lack of communication, a lack of trust, an innate fear to be totally open and honest—it could be all sorts of things.
Bottom line, pretending to be happy or content in your relationship when you really aren't is doing more harm than good to it. Whether you're pretending inside of the bedroom or outside of it.
Faking It Can Set You Up to Cheat
Some of you might remember a few years back when the whole Ashley Madison drama broke out. You know, when the dating service that specifically catered to married folks or people in exclusive relationships got hacked. Well, one thing that some scientific research discovered was that most of the cheaters fell into two categories—people who were bored or sexually dissatisfied or people who were unhappy in their relationship overall.
I'm not stupid. I know that there are some folks who are totally content with their sex lives with their partner and still they cheat. That's another article for another time. But remember that wife I mentioned earlier who committed infidelity in her marriage with a previous partner who sexually pleased her more than her husband did?
Another downside to faking it is it can have you fantasizing or reminiscing about someone who makes you happier—sexually or otherwise—than your partner does. And, if you feed into that too much, it can set you up to try and turn that fantasy into a reality.
Faking It Might Taint Your Views of Sex Overall
Someone once told me that she's been faking it ever since high school. She is headed towards 50 at this point. You know what else she's told me? She can't understand for the life of her how I enjoy sex, let alone how I've been able to climax. To her, sex is a means to an end and/or something that she gives up because her partner expects it. When I asked her how she learned to fake it (which can also reveal a lot), she first learned by watching porn (I used to work with a porn ministry…lots of porn actors fake it!). She tried it out and it seemed to work with her first partner, so she thought to herself, why fix what isn't broken?
The problem with her philosophy is 1) it's pretty unhealthy to let porn "teach" you anything about sex (kinda like you shouldn't let rom-coms or Disney movies teach you about love) and 2) faking all of your life can profoundly damage your view and experience with intimacy.
Can you imagine going your entire life without having a real bonafide earth-shattering orgasm? Yeah, me neither. But when you fake it all of the time, you put yourself at risk of never knowing what you and your partner are truly capable of. Of what the hype about sex is really all about (and it's totally worth the hype!).
Faking It Is Living a Lie
An ex of mine used to say the funniest thing about faking orgasms—"Faking it is a form of witchcraft." Witchcraft is magic, sorcery and bewitching influence and charm. If you add these definitions to faking it, I guess it all depends on who you're having sex with. Yet, even if witchcraft is up for debate, I will tell you one thing that it is for sure—it's a lie. At the very least, a lie is told in order to give someone the wrong impression; at worst, it's designed to deceive.
Here's something that I find to be interesting about the motive for lying, in general. Some people do it because they don't want to disappoint the person they are lying to. Others do it because they lie so much that falsehoods become their own reality. Others lie because one lie has now snowballed into other lies and they need to save face. Then there are those who lie because the truth makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable.
I don't know about you, but I can see how all of these could apply to faking orgasms. The irony is that any sex therapist or expert will tell you that unless people (especially women) are willing to be open with their partner and let their walls down, an orgasm will probably never happen for them.
Bottom line—all the lying does is keep things fake and frustrating. In the bedroom and out. My advice to people who fall into this particular category—try telling the truth, to yourself and to your partner. See where that gets you.
It just might set you free in some pretty mind-blowing ways (wink, wink) and make your relationship so much healthier in the process too!
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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