

Call it an occupational hazard but I really do dig words. I mean, more than average person (I think). That's why it kinda tripped me out that when I initially came up with the title for this piece and I went with the word "cozy," who knew that it had some crazy definitions attached to it? While cozy does mean "snugly warm and comfortable" (which is what I was going for), did you know that the word also includes definitions like "convenient or beneficial, usually as a result of dishonesty or connivance," "suggesting opportunistic or conspiratorial intimacy" and "discreetly reticent or noncommittal"? What in the world, y'all?
That's why I swapped out cozy and replaced it with "comfy" because, the goal here, is to offer up some tips that can make sex between you and yours (especially as the colder temps are starting to set in) feel comfy, which is short for comfortable, which is a word that means things like content, at ease, relaxed, snug, warm, healthy and happy. Sex that can feel like curling up in your favorite blanket, as the snow falls outside and you enjoy a cup of warm cocoa indoors? That's what I'm aiming for. Because, as crazy as it might sound on the onset, the reality is that the more comfortable we feel with our environment and our partner before sex even begins, the better the experience tends to be overall.
So, are you ready to learn more about how to have some "comfy sex" this fall and winter season? Yeah, I figured you would be.
1. Invest in a Comfy Comforter
When's the last time you treated yourself to a new comforter? In the name of comfy sex, how about investing in one that is solely about how good it feels to be wrapped up in it? If you want one that provides moisture-wicking (so that you won't overheat) warmth, go with one that has some wool filling in it. A fluffy feel? Downfilling is a great choice. Silk creates a feeling of sheer luxury while a cotton and polyester blend is a "lighter fluff." Whatever you decide to go with, make sure to get one that is a size up from the size of your bed (like I have a king comforter on a queen bed). That will leave extra material for you and your partner to be able to curl up in. Trust me, it's divine.
2. Determine to Leave ALL Drama Out of the Bedroom
OK, before going deeper into these comfy sex tips, it doesn't make sense to offer up a ton of hacks if you and yours can't use words like serene, pleasant and agreeable (which are synonyms for comfortable, by the way) to define your mindset before sexual activity even begins. You know, I've got clients who are under the totally delusional mindset that the best time to have deep chats is during sex. According to them, that's when they feel like they can "catch" their partner. No, no, NO.
A part of the reason why I agree with interior designers (and a lot of marriage therapists) when they say that the bedroom is for nothing other than sex and sleep is it reminds couples to see that room of their house as a place for pleasure and rejuvenation — no more, no less. When you know that there is a space that's designated for nothing other than that, it makes it an area that you find yourself constantly looking forward to being in. So, in the name of all things comfy, check issues, problems, and drama at the door. Literally.
3. Put Some Jasmine, Vanilla or Cinnamon on Your Bedding
Now. Back to prepping. Did you know that there are scents that can help to make you feel more comfy too? Jasmine is awesome because it's considered to be an aphrodisiac — one that has the ability to put you into a better mood and give you more energy. Vanilla is great because it promotes relaxation, relieves tension, and improves your quality of sleep.
Cinnamon oil is cool because it helps to relieve achy joints and muscles, stimulate blood flow, and reduce feelings that are associated with irritability or head tension. As a bonus, if you add a little bit of cinnamon to your feet at night, it can help to increase blood circulation and keep them warm. Just sprinkle one of these on your bedding. You won't want to get out of your bed for days if you do.
4. Enjoy Some Blackberry and Ginger Mocktails
If you and yours like to sip on a lil' sumthin' before or after gettin' it in, have you ever had a blackberry and ginger mocktail before? While both of these foods have a ton of health benefits, the reason why I'm mentioning them today is because blackberries are a good source of magnesium which can curb stress-related feelings while relaxing your system in the process.
As far as ginger goes, it's full of antioxidants and bioactive compounds that can improve brain health overall so that you're in a tranquil state. Sipping on a drink that's made of both of these can help to "get your mind right" which is always a good thing when you're about to put your body into action. (Three great mocktail recipes for this particular drink are located here, here, and here.)
5. Or Share a Bottle of Chocolate Wine
If alcohol is what you're after, if it's been a ROUGH day and you and/or your partner just can't seem to get your mind to stop racing, when's the last time the two of you shared a bottle of chocolate wine? Dark chocolate contains polyphenols that are proven to help increase feelings of calm and contentedness while wine plays a direct role in suppressing your nervous system which, in turn, can reduce stress and worry.
Total Wine is just one site that sells a few different brands for a really affordable price. You can check out their list here. For tips on how to find the absolute best brand of chocolate wine, Vina Del Vido breaks it all down on their site here.
6. Massage Each Other’s “in Need of Comfort” Pressure Points
A massage is always a smart foreplay move. If you and/or your partner are feeling fatigued, irritated, restless, worried or even a little bit tense, give each other a pressure point massage. While on the onset, it might seem like I'm referring to erogenous zones, I'm actually not.
Some of the pressure spots where anxiety stores up include inside the upper ear, around the shoulder blades, in between the index finger and thumb, on the wrists, and at the part of the feet that are right underneath the toes. If you mix a carrier oil like sweet almond, avocado, or grapeseed with 5-7 drops of the essential oils that I mentioned earlier, warm the oil up in the microwave for 10 seconds, and then massage these areas, it can literally feel like a pampering slice of heaven.
7. Express Something About Your Partner, That Day, That You Appreciate
A couple of years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "10 Creative Ways To Express Gratitude In Your Relationship". Y'all, I can't tell you how many times a husband or wife has told me that they've got one foot out of the door because they feel totally taken for granted. Again, when someone is comfy, they feel mentally and physically comfortable. One way to put your partner into this kind of mental state is to verbally state something that you appreciate about them; not in general, but that they say or did that day.
Doing this shows that you're paying attention to their efforts. Doing this reveals that you are proactive about being thoughtful. Doing this will also cause your partner to feel valued in your life. How can you not want to get closer to someone who is intentional about making you feel this way?
8. Cuddle While Taking a 30-Minute Nap. BEFOREHAND.
Whenever a couple tells me that they are too tired for sex, I usually say what I'm about to say to you — take a nap first. While it might sound strange at first, there is all kinds of data to support the fact that a 30-minute nap can help to boost energy levels, strengthen cognitive function, make you more creative, better your memory, and put you in a far better mood — all of which is needed for satisfactory sex sessions.
And if you nap while you're cuddling with your partner underneath that comforter that we talked about (check out "Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling"), the rise in oxytocin levels that can come from it can actually make you desire your partner even more. Just set an alarm. When it goes off, roll over and start kissing. This is the kind of sex hack that is truly unsung.
9. Get into Some Stress-Reducing Sex Positions
While sex, in general, helps to release stress (which is just one of the billions of reasons why you should do it as often as you can), there are positions that encourage less physical tension, more cuddling and greater feelings of comfy-ness. Spooning is wonderful because there is nothing like being the "little spoon" and feeling enveloped in your man's embrace. The Lotus is dope because when your partner is sitting in a pretzel position and you're sitting on top while facing him, how can you not feel super close and intimate? I always encourage having sex in the "cat position" (which is like doggy style but you're lying flat on your stomach) because your partner is literally taking you all in.
Having sex while hugging each other (lying face to face) makes it so much easier to kiss and squeeze one another (it can actually be very sweet). Then there's the good old-fashioned missionary position that is always great for eye contact. Plus, all of these positions are pretty easy on both bodies, so that neither of you are throwing your back out or putting unnecessary stress on your already-tired limbs and muscles in the process.
10. Praise Your Partner for Something Satisfying That Just Transpired
Recently, I was talking to a husband client; he had me cracking up. We were discussing favorite artists and songs. When Jill Scott's name came up, he said, "'Whatever' is my joint." When I asked him why, he said, "Who doesn't want to hear how good they were in bed? That woman told her man that he put it down and then cooked him some breakfast. That's what I'm talking about!" Remember how I said that being comfy is about being at ease? A good lover wants to make sure that their partner is pleased. Whatever yours did to fulfill you, don't waste any time sharing it. It will relax him and make him feel really comfortable with affirming you in return.
11. Turn on the Ocean
I've shared before that until I started sleeping to the sound of rain, I preferred silence. But baby, now that I've found 9-plus-hour videos on YouTube that has real rain falling on them, sleep has never been so good!
While having sex to the sound of rain can be sexy and romantic for sure, since the focus here is comfort, consider going with ocean sounds instead (whether it's before, during and or following copulation). There are many studies to support that listening to things like waves crash or rain on the water can reduce stress and cultivate a sense of calm.
Hey, you'll never know until you try it…right? (Go to YouTube and put "ocean sounds" or "ocean ASMR" in the search field for a list of options to choose from.)
12. Spoon Yourself to Sleep
We already touched on spooning from the sex position standpoint. That said, once you both have "culminated" (wink), getting into the spoon position in order to fall asleep is pure bliss too. It's relaxing. It keeps the feeling of closeness and intimacy going. Oxytocin boots can also help you to fall and stay asleep. Dopamine (which enhances pleasure) and serotonin (which helps to regulate your moods and sleep patterns) are natural hormones that are also released when you spoon as well.
From a very practical angle, you significantly decrease your chances of snoring when you're on your side (vs. your back). While you may not remain in that position all night long, it's definitely a way that conveys "I adore you and tonight was amazing." You can go into sex feeling comfy, experience sex being comfy, and end it being in that same head and heart space. And it really doesn't get much better than that, chile.
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Meet Kiara Walker: The Bold New Voice Giving Men A Safe Space To Be Real On ‘xoMAN’
Kiara Walker was born to entertain. Her childhood experiences helped shape her destiny as a media personality, and now she’s taking her talents to xoNecole.
A Dallas, Texas native and Atlanta transplant, Walker will host the newest Will Packer Media and xoNecole production, xoMAN podcast. This fresh podcast series provides a platform for authentic and transformative conversations that bridge the gap between the introspection men crave and their real-life experiences.
xoMAN started as an Instagram Live series and is now a full-cast production, with Walker as the host. Initially, she was skeptical about joining as the new host of xoMan. Not because she doesn’t have the chops to thrive in the role, but because coming in on something that wasn’t her original idea initially seemed daunting for the media personality.
However, since she loves a challenge, the CockTales: Dirty Discussionspodcast host embraced the task with an open heart and mind.
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“I was like, this is a cool concept, so I’m so glad that they decided to turn it into a podcast,” Walker tells xoNecole. “It’s been interesting to take somebody else’s idea and try to turn it into a thing, put it together, and bring it to fruition. I am anxious, nervous, and all things, but above all, I’m excited.”
When xoNecole's managing editor Sheriden Garrett approached Walker to take on the position, it felt like fate. She had previously attempted to get Garrett on her CockTales platform about six or seven years ago due to her expertise in the love and relationship space.
“I was like, wait, y’all listen to the show? And you want me to host a show where I’m only talking to men? And I’m listening to them and not giving them a hard time? I say that because sometimes I feel like, on my show, I may come off like I don’t even like men," she says.
"I love men, but it can be frustrating sometimes on that platform, social media, and other places when they continue to regurgitate the same rhetoric about what I like to call Twitter topics, like constantly talking about who’s paying as a man, as a woman. You should do this. You should do that…It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
A Howard graduate, Walker almost didn’t enter the world of media after listening to advice from elders who said she would make a great lawyer because she loves to debate topics and sometimes argue (haha).
"It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
After traveling to the nation’s capital to study political science, Walker soon discovered that her only motivation for becoming an attorney was the potential income and witnessing how boss women like Erika Alexander’s Maxine Shaw character on Living Single would look in their suits as career women.
“I realized that this was for real,” she says, studying law at Howard. “This is a lot of work, and when you think about what you do, I was like, this is not a performance, and I just wanted to talk. I wasn’t trying to defend anyone.”
A visit to a fair showcasing the different organizations on Howard’s campus, combined with her affinity for celebrity gossip and entertainment news, ultimately led Walker to explore a radio career. Soon, she auditioned for a show and landed the gig. By the spring semester, she was on the radio, ultimately leading her to switch her major to journalism with a concentration in broadcast news.
Soon after earning her degree in the field, Walker decided she didn’t want to do anything related to hard news. Instead, she became involved in lifestyle content. She used her friends' love of hearing her stories to motivate her to get into podcasting.
The rest is, as they say, history.
“Before podcasts became what they are, I was in a living room with a microphone before ultimately moving to a studio and refining the show. I loved it and knew people were listening because I monitored the analytics and everything," she explains.
"When we decided to do a live show, the show sold out in two weeks, and I was so nervous. I was like, 'Are we ready? Are we gonna be able to sell out this venue?' We didn’t have any sponsorship. We were still independent and had to front the money for everything.”
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“When they sold out in two weeks, not only did I price my tickets too low, but I thought, wow, we’ve got something. I was like, people spent money to hear me and my co-host talking about our shitty love lives. This is wild, all from an idea in my head. It made me feel like I was on the right path and encouraged me to stop doubting myself. I have imposter syndrome," she reveals.
"Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do. I love it. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I will continue to have bags under my eyes until the end of time because I’m enjoying it.”
"I have imposter syndrome. Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do."
In between garnering a strong social media presence for her work as a podcast host, lifestyle influencer, and beyond, Walker has managed to use her many gifts and talents, like cooking, and most importantly, giving a strong opinion about the things she does (or doesn’t) believe in to carve out a lane of her own.
As she embarks on this chapter as the host of xoMAN, where she has already spoken with actors Devale Ellis and Skyh Black and Dear Future Wifey podcast host Laterras R. Whitfield, Walker hopes that it encourages people, especially women, to look at their male counterparts from a different perspective.
“I hope that anyone listening can listen to the first few episodes, hear how different each man is, and learn to let down whatever preconceived notions you have about me or a specific man, whoever it is in your life," she says. "Just listen, talk to them, ask them how they feel, and listen with an open mind, without thinking that you already know what the answer is.”
“I just hope that people learn to, again, not put people in boxes and make the other person, whoever it is, men specifically for this show, but sit down and talk with an open mind and listen to understand, not to respond. Help someone feel safe.”
xoMAN officially launches on Tuesday, June. 17.
Feature image courtesy