These 12 Tips Will Improve Your Sleep Patterns. And Your Sex Life.
A couple of years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” When you get a chance, please check it out. The gist is that if there’s one thing that sex and sleep have in common, it’s the fact that they can both do wonders for our holistic health and well-being. Problem is, sometimes getting a good night’s rest or pregaming in order to have some amazing sex can be a bit of a challenge.
If you can relate, no worries, I got you. What we’re gonna tackle here are 12 things that you can do that are almost guaranteed to make it easier to fall — and stay — asleep…and, if you’ve got someone sexy in the bed with you, these tips will make some prior-to-sleep sex, middle-of-the-night sex, morning sex (or all three) totally off the charts too.
1. An Intimacy Ritual
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Dr. Joyce Brothers once said, "Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling." With that being said, I once read an article that said intimacy should be broken down into four different categories: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. Basically, if you don't feel a sense of closeness, friendship, and acceptance in those areas, something is awry.
I couldn't agree more. Since, to me, all of these things speak to feeling safe, that's why I think it's essential to cultivate intimacy rituals, especially in the evening as you're winding down for the night. It doesn't matter if you're with someone or not because if there's one person who you should feel safe with, most of all, it is yourself. Do some journaling. Meditate. Verbally acknowledge some things that you accomplished throughout the day that you are proud of. Soak in the tub while listening to some of your favorite music. Forgive yourself for a mistake that you made. Do something that makes you feel safe — or safer — within.
And if you do have a boo who shares your bed with you — get in the tub together, give each other a massage, communicate what you adore about each other, share a toast…all of these are things that can make you feel calmer and more relaxed. And when you're holistically in that frame of mind, it's easier to fall asleep. Plus, it puts you in the mood to want to have sex — or even better sex.
2. Some Rose Petals
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There are plenty of studies to support the fact that smell has an effect on, not just how quickly you are able to fall asleep but the quality of sleep that you will have too. Research also backs up the fact that odor sensitivity can impact how good — or not so good — your sexual experiences are too. So yeah, there’s no way that I could do an article like this without giving the sense of smell some thought — and one that can benefit how you sleep and improve your sex life is rose.
The reason why I recommend rose petals is that, from an Ayurvedic medicine standpoint, there are several different ways that you can use them to your advantage. The scent is soothing and relaxing. When you put some into your bathwater (especially if it’s along with some coconut, almond, or oat milk), rose petals are an awesome skin moisturizer. If you boil them, they are powerful when you steam your face (and hair). You can also let your rose petals dry and turn them into potpourri to put on your nightstand.
However you choose to incorporate rose petals, they will provide a dose of aromatherapy that will complement your sleep and/or sex plans. That’s for damn sure.
3. Blue or Green Lighting
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If you’re about to move into a new spot or you’re thinking about doing a bit of renovating in the place that you already have, consider painting your bedroom a shade of blue or green. Studies indicate that blue helps to create a sense of calm while, since green represents nature, it can help to soothe your senses.
The same thing can go for installing a blue or green light bulb into one of your lamps or getting a night light in either hue. Even if you don’t keep it on all night, these are two colors that can relax you and make it easier to get into a sleep and/or sex routine. (By the way, a literal blue light is awesome if you struggle with soundly sleeping. You can read more about how and why here.)
4. Turning Down Your Thermostat
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Have you ever wondered why you might go to bed feeling comfortable or even chilly only to wake up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat? While it could mean that you are perimenopausal (which means an onset of hot flashes is going on), don’t automatically jump to that conclusion (without speaking with your doctor first).
There’s a huge possibility that things like exercising an hour before bed, engaging in a super intense sex session (no joke), and not getting a proper amount of ventilation (open up those windows) can cause your hormones to move all over the place too.
So, if you hate sleeping hot as much as I do, be intentional about setting your thermostat to somewhere between 60-68 degrees (I tend to hover somewhere around 66-67). It will help your temperature to stay regulated, keep your electricity bill down and make random middle-of-the-night coitus more comfortable since there’s a good chance that you both won’t be sweaty and sticky (especially if you sleep naked…you do sleep naked, right?).
5. Having Breakfast for Dinner
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Question: When’s the last time you had some pancakes for dinner? Aside from the fact that having breakfast foods around that time of the day is cheaper, quicker, and tends to be less calories than a traditional dinner-themed meal, it can also help with your sleep patterns and your sex life.
For one thing, foods like pancakes and bagels contain carbs that can reduce your energy levels (yes, make you sleepy), breakfast meals have fat and protein in them that can slow your digestive system down (also make you sleepy), and oatmeal has melatonin in it — and that can definitely help you to catch some zzz’s.
As far as your libido goes, the magnesium in spinach (spinach omelet, anyone?), the amino acids in watermelon (how about a homemade watermelon smoothie?), the vitamin C in strawberries, the potassium in bananas, the antioxidants in pomegranate juice — all of these nutrients work together to give you one hell of a sex round — or two.
6. Walking Together After Dinner
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Next question: When’s the last time that you and your boo thang took a leisurely stroll around your neighborhood after dinner? On the health tip, it’s a brilliant move because, not only does it help you to digest your food better (as you get some fresh air that your body probably needs), even after only two minutes of strolling, you help to lower your risk of diabetes as well.
Since a lot of us toss and turn all night because our system is still “processing” our meals, you can probably see how walking can improve your quality of rest. Also, since walking has been proven to improve moods and blood circulationand since it’s also an awesome way to get some (probably) much-needed intimacy time in with your partner — yes, carve out 15 minutes (or so) to hold hands and circle a block or two with them. TONIGHT.
7. A Calf Massage and/or a Belly Rub
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Nothing is more relaxing than a massage. Well, did you know that when it comes to promoting sleep and increasing your libido on the way heading there, there are certain pressure points that are more effective than others? While a calf massage is soothing, it also stimulates blood flow to your nether regions. And if you and your partner rub on each other’s bellies, it can serve as an all-natural energy boost that will arouse you at the same time. The more you know, chile. The more you freakin’ know.
8. Drinking Tart Cherry Juice
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You’ve probably heard that if you’re having a difficult time falling asleep, a glass of warm milk will do the trick (especially if you add honey). Well, if milk (or even milk alternatives because they work well, too) aren’t exactly your thing, next time you’re at the grocery store, pick up some 100 percent pure (none of that sugared-up cocktail mess) tart cherry juice.
In the article, “8 Foods That Will Keep You Cool, Calm & Totally Relaxed,” I mentioned that cherry juice is effective in all three of those ways (in part, due to the tryptophan that’s in it). And here’s the deal — the more relaxed you are, the easier it is to fall asleepand experience orgasms. And since the antioxidants that are in it also do things like promote brain health and strengthen your immune system — yeah, you definitely should at least try to give some tart cherry juice a shot.
9. Doing Orgasmic Meditation Together
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Remember how I said at the top of this piece that it's a good idea for people to create some sort of intimacy ritual — whether they share a bed with someone or not? Well, if you happen to be in a coupledom, it certainly can never hurt to engage in some orgasmic meditation. It's basically a meditative practice that consists of deep breathing, mindfulness, and the gentle stroking of your partner (and vice versa). The couples who I've recommended it to are actually huge fans because it helps them to relax and feel closer to their partner. Yeah, it can definitely prepare you for a night of cuddling, climaxing, or (hopefully) both. Anyway, you can read more about it by checking out "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?".
10. Counting Your Blessings
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If you've ever wondered where the practice of counting sheep actually came from, one theory is it's what shepherds in medieval Britain did back in the day. Basically, the belief was that if they counted sheep at night, they could make sure that they all were present and accounted for as they drifted off for the evening. Now, as far as whether it actually works? Some health professionals say that it's not so much the sheep but the repetitive mind play that makes it potentially effective.
My take? Whether the motive is to fall asleep or get it on, swap out the sheep for your blessings — either what you are grateful for or what you appreciate about your partner. Listen, there is plenty of intel out in cyberspace to support the fact that being grateful makes you happier, reduces stress, and improves the quality of your relationships with other people. So, whether you're counting alone or with someone, it's gonna make for a better night.
11. NO ELECTRONICS
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There's a married couple I know who pretty much have a non-existent sex life. SMDH. Whenever we discuss it, one of the things that they both say is they have basically fallen into a rut of getting into bed every night and binge-watching a show and/or playing on their phones until they drift to sleep. While clearly, the electronics in their bedroom is not the only issue that you've got going on, it certainly doesn't help — and I mean this when it comes to the quality of their sex life or the quality of sleep that they both need.
There is plenty of data out in these cyberspace streets that say screen time around bedtime affects (which is more like infects) melatonin production, your brain calming down, and your body transitioning over into full-on REM sleep. And as far as your sex life goes — I mean, if you're distracted with other things, how can you give sex (or sexual activity) your all?
I say it often because it continues to be true: interior designers have stated for years that the bedroom is for sex and sleep ONLY. Hey, you can be like the couple that I just mentioned and ignore that fact, yet if it's ultimately costing you quality rest and intimacy…is it worth it? Is it really?
12. Spooning
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As a doula, I am well aware of the fact that skin-to-skin contact between a baby and their parents can do wonders for their overall health and well-being. And you know what? It doesn't change much as we age, either. Cuddling with your partner can reduce stress levels, block pain signals, and boost your oxytocin levels. When that happens, it can 1) make sleeping soundly easier to do and 2) draw you closer to your partner, not just physically but on a mental and emotional level as well.
This is especially the case if you're not only spooning but spooning naked. The position helps to make you and your partner feel safe and comforted, which is always ideal for resting. Plus, rubbing up against each other with no clothes on? Chile, how could that not get some things going at some point during the night? And since it is indeed a sexual position that is a fan favorite (especially when it comes to easy access and easily receiving penetration and clitoral stimulation simultaneously) — there really was no better way to bring this article to a close. Now was there? Good sex and sweet dreams everyone. #wink
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- 10 Simple & Effective Ways To Improve Your Quality Of Sleep ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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