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I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner
You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.
1. Jenga PDF Sexy Couples - Erotic Adult Party Game for Adventurous Couples
Something that's cool about sex games is they can help to bring some laughter and lightness into the atmosphere. While having that kind of goal might seem odd on the onset, it's always important to remember that sex doesn't have to be sober-minded and serious. It's actually supposed to be a lot of fun! So, if you want to bring some extra light-hearted-with-a-touch-of-horny foreplay into your space, this is a PDF that you can purchase and immediately download with instructions, including numbers to put on your Jenga pieces and naughty questions that you can ask your partner. (It's on Etsy. You can cop it here.)
2. Melting Rose Petals
If there's one thing that can hinder a lot of us from going all out when it comes to "setting the stage" for a romantic evening, it's the thought of how much clean up will be required on the back end (sigh). That's a part of the reason why this particular item caught my eye.
If you and yours adore nothing more than soaking in the tub together, rose petals can definitely help to cultivate the right mood. The dope thing about these, in particular, is they slowly melt into your bathwater while leaving a smell of fresh stems. This means no worry about having to scoop petals up when you're done. Excellent.
(Pink Cherry is the site that sells them. Go here to buy a batch.)
3. Earthly Body Edible Massage Candle
What I personally like about this product is it combines the soft glow of a candle with the convenience of a massage oil that you can easily lick off — a win all the way around, y'all! What makes this edible massage candle even better is it's vegan-friendly, has apricot and coconut oil in it (which makes it nourishing for your skin) and it comes in three different flavors — strawberry, watermelon and vanilla. Since it's a 4 oz. candle, it should last you, shoot, at least a couple of rounds, right? Here's hoping. (Adam & Eve has got you on this one. Get it here.)
4. Edible Candy Lingerie Gift Set
There are times when, while I'm perusing the internet, I'll see something that is simply cute. That's how I felt when I noticed what looked like a string bikini set (top and bottom) that's made out of edible candy. Pretty sure there's no need to break this one's possibilities all the way down, right? Anyway, Walmart sells both pieces at a reasonable price. You can check it out here.
5. Sensuva Ice Cube Flavoured Cooling Nipple Balm
For some, nipples are a peak erogenous zone. For others, not so much (check out "So, What If 'Typical Erogenous Zones' Annoy TF Outta You?"). That said, whether you are trying to experience (or experience more) nipple orgasms or you're with someone who is a "breast person" and you want to learn how to enjoy getting aroused in that area more, something that could help you out is nipple balm. This particular kind will help to harden your nipples while providing a cooling sensation. Plus, the chocolate mint flavor will definitely help to put an even bigger smile on your partner's face. Lovehoney carries it. Get it here.
6. System Jo H2O Flavored Lubricant Collection
The wetter, the better, right (check out "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant")? Yeah, my sentiments exactly. Flavored lubricant can be a lot of fun, especially when it comes to oral sex, because it provides a way for you to do what you're doing while enjoying a flavor that you really like. Something that I dig about this brand is it's got a ton of different flavors to choose from including Cherry Burst, Cotton Candy, Green Apple, Peachy Lips, Juicy Pineapple and so many others (the company boasts of a whopping 17!). Dear Lady is a site that has a good amount of different ones (go here). Yet if you want to go to the System Jo H2O site to see what other merchants carry this product, you can do that by going here.
7. Like A Virgin Tightening Pleasure Gel
So, before we even get into this one, check out an article that I wrote on this topic last spring entitled, "What Science Says About A So-Called 'Loose Vagina'". The bottom line is your vagina doesn't "overstretch" from sex (remember, we can push babies out through there!). So, more than anything, the name of this product is probably more of a marketing ploy than anything else. Still, it gets a shout-out here because it creates a tingling feeling as it helps the muscles within your vaginal walls to slightly contract (in the best way possible), of course. Restoring you to virgin status is pushing it yet providing a nice sensation during intercourse is something that it certainly can do. (Another Adam & Eve gem. Cop it here.)
8. GLYDE Organic Flavored Condoms
There's no way around the fact that the best way to proactively prevent contracting an STD or an unplanned pregnancy is to use a condom (check out "10 Things You Should DEFINITELY Know About Condoms" and "10 Ways To Make Using A Condom So Much More Pleasurable"). Here's the thing, though — a lot of people seem to forget (or is it blatantly ignore?) that you can get a sexually transmitted disease or infection from oral sex too. This is where flavored condoms come in and if you're not in an exclusive relationship where both of you get tested regularly, you should definitely have a box of these in your stash.
What I like about this brand is 1) the condoms are organic; 2) they are ethically made; 3) they're made out of latex and are ultra-thin (which your partner will definitely appreciate) and 4) they come in a variety of flavors. In fact, I recommend getting a variety pack (vanilla, strawberry, licorice, wildberry and blueberry) to see how you like 'em.
GLYDE is the company. The page for the variety pack is located here.
9. High on Love Chocolate Body Paint
Have you always been curious about whether or not weed ultimately makes sex better? If so, check out "7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better". After doing that, getting yourself some chocolate body paint (the kind that has hemp seed oil in it) just may pique your interest. Some perks about this particular brand of body paint is it's water-based (so it won't jack up your sheets), it smells and tastes like chocolate and, since hemp seeds are full of protein and amino acids that can help to boost your energy levels, at the very least, you'll be in for a night of sensual experimentation and longevity. (EdenFantasys sells it. Get it here.)
10. We-Vibe Melt App Controlled Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "How To Experience Amazing Foreplay (When You and Yours Are Apart)". The main reason why is because statistics show that at least 14-15 million people within the United States alone are currently in a long-distance relationship. If you happen to be one of them, hey, I don't have to tell you how challenging it can be when it comes to "scratching that itch", each and every time the mood hits. A work-around that can at least help things to become more bearable is a clitoral stimulator.
What intrigues me about this one is it comes with 12 different sensations, is waterproof and USB-rechargeable and you and your partner can connect it to an app so that he can help to get you off (yes, literally) no matter where he may be. The main hack to keep in mind is this one works best with some water-based lube. And while it's not the cheapest thing on the block (it currently retails for around $150), can you really put a price tag on consistent sexual pleasure? I mean, relatively-speaking? #wink (Get this at Lovehoney. Find it here.)
11. Wonderful Honey
Something that I kept hearing about the past few months, to the point where I did some investigating with some of the men in my world, is Wonderful Honey. Word on the street is it's a natural way to increase testosterone levels and build stamina and endurance. Each shipment contains 12 packets at 15 grams a pop. Like I said, men are huge fans. Couldn't hurt, right? (Medallion Mercantile is just one site that sells it. Check it out here.)
12. Dripstick
I don't think there's a better way to round up this sex-themed shopping list than to share with you something that I think every woman should own.
It's called a Dripstick and it's currently the only stick on the market that is able to remove excess fluid from your vagina following sexual activity. It's medical grade (a sponge is what you'll be using). The packaging is solid. It's also really easy to use (instructions are here).
So, if wet spots irk you, you and your partner like quickies but you hate the after-romp clean-up or there's some other reason why you've always wondered why something like this doesn't exist — Merry Christmas (LOL). It finally does. Awkward Essentials is the company. Get yourself at least one 20-pack box here. Enjoy!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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