Aight. Today, I'm going to tackle a topic that, while it may not be discussed a lot, it definitely needs to be. I say that because, when it comes to a lot of the couples that I work with, it never fails that sex is a leading challenge. And when it comes to what the issues are concerning sex, there are plenty — and I mean, PLENTY — of times when someone (usually the husband, I'm just gonna be real) will say that their partner is moody as hell in the bedroom. Hmph. And just what is that supposed to mean?
While there are layers of answers to that question, in this case, I think a surface-level definition of moody will more than suffice. To be moody is to be someone who lacks consistency to the point where your feelings and behaviors can literally switch up without any heads up — shoot, sometimes without any clear cause (like hormonal shifts or stress) either. And here's the thing about that — whether a lot of us choose to accept it or not, we can control our emotions (especially how we express them) so much more than we tend to do.
In walks sexual mood swings. One minute you're down for whatever. The next minute, you're irritated AF at the mere thought of your partner even touching you. And again, while there could be some physical reasons behind why this is the case (and I will touch on a couple of those here), what I also want to explore today are things that are more about mere attitudes and expectations — things that we can get a hold on very quickly…if we would simply choose to.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you know that you are quite the roller coaster ride — and not in a good way — when it comes to copulation, here are some reasons why that could be the case. Because once you get to the root of why you're feeling the way that you do, it can be so much easier to bring things back into balance. Including in the bedroom.
Do You Have Unrealistic Sexual Expectations?
Again, since I counsel married couples, sex tends to come up quite a bit (that's a part of the reason why I write so much about sex too; on some levels, it's an occupational hazard). And when one or both spouses tell me that "meh" is basically how they would describe how things are sexually going for them, I will sometimes say what I don't think is said enough — just like people can have super unrealistic expectations when it comes to their relationship overall, the same thing can be applied to their sex life.
And just how can you be "sexually unrealistic"? If you require hours of sex every time. If you're damn near demanding multiple orgasms — or shoot, even one or two — every single encounter. If you want your current partner to be like a former one (check out "You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?"). If the sex needs to seem like some outtake from your favorite movie or song every time you do it…these are all examples of not taking a practical approach to coitus.
Don't get me wrong, you deserve for sex to be consistently pleasurable. I'm just saying that sometimes that means learning how to just relax and embrace the closeness and intimacy of being with your partner rather than always expecting Independence Day level fireworks. If you're someone who believes otherwise, this could be the reason why you are sexually moody as all get out. Whew, chill out a bit.
Do You Rely Too Much on "Making Love"?
I've shared, multiple times before, that I'm not a huge fan of the phrase "make love". Personally, I believe that when two people are committed to one another and then they come together physically, they are celebrating the love that already exists; they aren't making love happen. Chile, believe you me — if you're out here looking for sex to make love evolve, you are definitely setting yourself up to be on an emotional roller coaster ride.
Hmph. It makes me think of something that Tank once said in an interview (I would link it, but it was a bit…much). He stated that he can barely know a woman, have sex with her and make her feel like he's been in love with her for years. He's not the only person who thinks way and it really is a cautionary tale; it's a reminder that the physical act of sex can be bomb yet that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that a solid and reliable emotional connection has been established.
This is why it is oh so very important that you are clear on your own motives for having sex with someone, that you articulate them with your partner beforehand and that you're honest with them and yourself about what you desire beyond the act up the pike. Otherwise, you could find yourself feeling confused, becoming disillusioned or needing to read "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" over and over again. And all of these options are a lot on the emotional tip.
Do You Know Exactly When You’re Ovulating?
Since I've been doing this "no sex thing" for a while now, it's not uncommon that I'll be asked for some "abstinence hacks". One of my top ones is to put a period tracker on your phone. The reason why is so you'll know when you're ovulating. And just why is that relevant? Well, that's the time of the month when you are the most likely to get pregnant and, as nature would have it, that's usually when we are the horniest too. So, if there's a part of you that is always wondering why, oh, about two weeks since your last period, all you can think about is getting some, the fact that you are dropping an egg probably plays a really big role in that. Shoot, even the women I know who kinda have the "I can take it or leave it" attitude about sex will turn around and turn into a real maneater when they're ovulating. And it makes totally sense why that would be the case.
When’s the Last Time You Got Your Hormone Levels Checked?
Listen, I don't care how old you are (because some people only attribute this point to PMS, pregnancy or menopause), it can never hurt to get your hormone levels checked, at least on a biannual basis. There are a billion reasons why this can prove to be so beneficial for you; however, as it relates to this particular point, if your hormones are all over the place, this could explain why you are pretty unpredictable as far as sex is concerned. For instance, if you happen to have an elevated level of testosterone, your libido may be higher. On the other hand, if your estrogen levels aren't where they are supposed to be, you could end up with erratic mood swings, jacked up sleep patterns and less interest in coitus.
At the end of the day, no one is really moody, "just because". More times than not, it's a sign that something is off kilter on a mental, emotional or physical level. Getting your hormones checked on a fairly consistent basis can help you to stay balanced on the physical tip. It can help to ward off sexual mood swings too.
Do You Rely on Sex to “Make It All Better”?
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good". You know, a part of the reason why I discourage people from having sex too soon is because it can cloud your judgment in the sense that it can cultivate a bond with someone (which is what oxytocin is designed to do) without really getting to know if the two of you are a good fit outside of sexual activity. And so, as you get closer to one another, you could find yourself in the cul-de-sac of always having sex to fix your problems or communicate without drama, all the while avoiding the reality that the relationship may not be the best fit for you.
I've seen a lot of people — too many, in fact — stay in some pretty toxic situations because, instead of getting some therapy, they will jump (back) into the sheets, believing that good sex will make everything all better. Now, am I saying that make-up sex is a bad thing? No. What I am saying is sex is best applied when you've resolved a matter and then engage instead of always running from a problem and then using sex as a distraction. Bottom line, if make-up sex is the only remedy that seems to work for you and yours, your sexual mood swings make a lot of sense because, if you're really honest with yourself, things only fully "feel good" when sex is transpiring. This means that when sex isn't going down, there's no telling when bullshishery is going to hit the fan.
Is Sex Usually ALL About You?
When it comes to sexual mood swings, some of the most unpredictable people are those who are selfish lovers — and yes, those totally do exist. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in sessions with couples where wives expect to receive oral sex yet the thought of giving it is "gross" or husbands think that being married means that sex should happen whenever they feel like it, regardless on if their partner is truly in the mood or not. The reality is the couples who have the most productive and fulfilling sex lives are the ones where each partner gets off the most from pleasuring the person they are with; this results in both people feeling desirable, a priority and totally open to sexual satisfaction.
If you're not this kind of person, sex is going to be up-and-down for you because no one wants to be with someone who is solely focused on what they can receive over what they are willing to give (do). Make sense?
Are You Naturally Moody, Anyway?
The older I get, something that I like more and more is consistency. As a result, what I desire to have less around me is moodiness. Moody folks can be draining AF because you never really know who — or shoot, even what — you are dealing with at any given time. And what's really a trip is some folks are so used to being in a state of internal chaos that they don't mind being emotionally all over the place and wreaking havoc on others.
It makes me think of a husband I know who's been married to his wife for a couple of decades now yet seriously considers ending their marriage, at least a couple of times a year. His main reason why? "Dealing with her is the ultimate gaslight because if I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm having to play a guessing game of what she's feeling and thinking. Sometimes, on an hourly basis," is what he says. His wife? She takes on the "Well, you signed up for being with me, so deal with it." Yeah, that's a pretty jacked up way to look at it.
There's no way that you can be a "naturally moody individual" and it not affect your sex life on some level. Whether it's hormones, substance abuse, internalizing issues, taking on an entitled attitude (I promise you that I'm gonna circle around to doing an article on entitlement one of these days) or just not exhibiting self-control, it really doesn't serve you well to "just be moody" all of the time. Set up an appointment with your physician and/or a reputable therapist/counselor/life coach, so that you can get your life back on track. You'll be all the better for it. So will your relationship and your sex life. Promise you that.
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Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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