Some of y'all may recall that it was right around this time last year that "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" was published on this platform. A part of what I touched on was a wife-friend of mine sharing the fact that having a man with a big penis isn't always, automatically or necessarily all that it's cracked up to be because 1) if he doesn't know how to use it and/or 2) he is a selfish lover, what's the point in having one around? I mean, really.
It's the second point that I'm going to tackle today because the reality is, a lot of people don't struggle with having a fulfilling sex life due to lack of attraction, chemistry or even technique. It's actually because their partner is sexually selfish as all get out and they're not quite sure what to do about it. While I certainly don't have all of the answers and, honestly, a topic as broad as this could be written as novella, I am hoping that if your man has you at your absolute wit's end, maybe what I'm about to share can at least offer a ray of hope, a bit of clarity and a couple of steps towards a viable solution. Because if there's one thing that sex shouldn't be — both ways, by the way — it's selfish.
First, Let’s Revisit What It Means to Be Selfish, Shall We?
Caring only for oneself. Concerned primarily with one's own interest and welfare. Self-centered. Egocentric. Mercenary. Narrow-minded. Self-seeking. Stingy. Tight. These are just some of the words that are used to define what it means to be selfish. And when it comes to being involved with a selfish individual on a romantic level — people who don't reciprocate are selfish.
People who suck at compromising are selfish. People who are more concerned with what they can get rather than what they can give are selfish. People who think their partner is the only one who has flaws or could stand to improve are selfish. People who want to control everything are selfish. People who always operate from a place of ulterior motives are selfish. People who have a sense of entitlement are selfish.
In a relationship setting, I'll give you a real-time example. I've got a friend whose husband is selfish as hell. He's a nice guy. He's still selfish. Case in point. The monies that they both earn have gone to things like buying his family members expensive gifts yet when my friend wants to do something for her folks, he wants to penny-pinch or extend loans. He claims it's because her people are more self-sufficient than his are. Whatever dude. You are selfish.
Another example. A different friend of mine has a husband who lacks "being present" on basically every level. Even something as simple as her birthday, he constantly gets her what he thinks she should have rather than what she actually wants. Don't get me wrong, the presents are nice; however, if someone tells you what they desire and you go and do your own thing, that is an example of making their wants/needs about yourself and that? That is selfish.
The reason why I thought it was a good idea to provide some examples of what it means to be selfish in a relationship, outside of the bedroom, is because sometimes we can find ourselves on our backs, with some man on top of us, as we look up at the ceiling and wonder how we got to where we are. We got there because we chose to involve ourselves with someone who is pretty selfish overall. So, if you feel like your man is pretty selfish in bed, ask yourself where else this kind of attitude resonates. It could help you to connect a few dots and get to the bottom of a few things.
How Does a Selfish Lover Get Down?
Listen, I've shared before that I once heard (and am a firm believer of it being true) that sex is a good barometer of a relationship. More specifically, good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent of the relationship because sex lets us know how two people are communicating and connecting overall. As all of this specifically relates to a selfish lover, more times than not, if someone is self-serving in the bedroom, again, it's usually because they are that way in other areas too. And just so we're clear, what are some very telling signs that your man is indeed sexually selfish? For the sake of your time and my space, I'll offer up 10 of 'em.
- He mostly cares about having sex, only when he's in the mood.
- The foreplay either sucks or is non-existent.
- Once he gets his, sex becomes lackluster or is even over.
- You don't truly feel emotionally connected before, after or during the act.
- He's not up to try new things.
- You can't remember the last time romance was involved.
- He's all about receiving fellatio yet sucks at or passes on cunnilingus.
- He has absolutely no idea what afterplay is.
- Orgasms are like sighting Big Foot.
- You can't remember the last time you felt fully satisfied.
Lawd, have mercy. And here's what's interesting about all of these. Oftentimes a man becomes selfish for one of three reasons — laziness, ego or because other partners haven't held him accountable for being lazy or having an ego. And so, even if he cares about you, because he's never really been required to no longer be selfish…he stays that way.
That's the bad news. The good news is there are a few things that you can try that can get your partner to break out of such a ridiculously frustrating (for you) shell. So, just what should you do about a selfish lover?
POINT #1. Tell Him. Non-Selfishly.
Sex is a form of communication, right? However, in a relationship, it's not the only one. The reality is that the best lovers are people who make sure they are mentally and emotionally connected with their partner, even when they are nowhere near their bedroom. The wife who I told you had a husband with a big package? Yep, he's selfish yet she plays a role in him being that way because she's pretty bad at stating what her needs are. Instead, she'll simply deny him sex, hoping that he'll get the hint.
Listen, if y'all don't hear anything else in this article, please hear that one thing that years and years of counseling has revealed to me is men don't do the passive aggressive thing nearly as much as women do. What that means is, if you've got a problem with something, you really need to say it. Say it clearly. Say it concisely. Yet also say it kindly with the intent of making things better not worse. No one wants to be told that they suck in bed. The point here is to alert him to how you're feeling about the intimacy — or lack thereof — between the two of you because you want things to get better. Tell him what you need and want, how not receiving it makes you feel and how resolving the matter will ultimately make sex so much better — for you both.
POINT #2: Meet Him Halfway. For a Season.
It's petty (and to me, being petty is pretty childish) to "punish" your partner for being a selfish lover. Y'all know what punishment looks like — withholding, just lying there, hemming-and-hawing throughout the entire experience, "having a headache" all of the time, hinting at how unhappy you are, even during the act. Besides, taking these kinds of approaches usually does more harm than good because it will eventually make you (more) resentful and cause him to retreat inwardly. Before you know it, now it's a sexless rather than selfish situation.
My recommendation? Meet him where he's at. What I mean by that is, an outstanding lover is going to go above and beyond to make sure their partner is good — and that's great. Problem is, if you've got a lazy person on your hands, they won't seek to do much more because they will think that the little they are doing is enough (because they are getting "rewarded" for it). On the other hand, if you've got an egomaniac in your sheets, they will feel like they deserve all of the time, effort and energy that you are putting in, even if they aren't showing that much reciprocity.
So, scale back a bit. After you've stated your needs, watch and see if he rises to the occasion (no pun intended) by doing more. The only way you'll really be able to notice (at least initially) is if you don't do most of the "work". Let him initiate going down on you. Let him work to make sure you get yours first. Let him reach out to cuddle with you after sex.
Listen, at the end of the day, all of us have some level of selfishness in us. It doesn't make us a bad person altogether. The thing is, if we're striving to improve, once our selfish ways are brought to our attention, slowly yet surely, we'll start to switch up — when people give us the room and space to do so. Otherwise, if they keep doing everything…we may never learn. Or change. Sexual selfishness is not excluded here.
POINT #3: FAKE. NOTHING.
How much do I loathe the entire concept of faking orgasms? So much that I wrote an article about it (check out "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Fake is so…fake. And when you've got a selfish lover on your hands, it's also counterproductive as all get out because while he's being self-consumed, you're being disingenuous. What about any of that conveys sexual bliss? The reality is, if someone has been sexually selfish for a long period of time, it's going to take them a while to learn how to become more…generous. While they are figuring it out, intimacy between the two of you should still transpire yet there is no need to act like you've "been to the mountaintop" when that isn't the case.
Enjoy being together. Acknowledge steps that are being made. Yet don't fake pure ecstasy unless it has actually happened. Why? Because a selfish lover doesn't need a pretender in their midst. They need someone who is open, honest and patient — the foundational basis of any good sexual experience, wouldn't you say?
Oh, and while we're here, remember how I said that a selfish lover is usually selfish in other areas as well? That said, avoid "faking it" in your relationship, period. Sis, the same points that apply to sex apply overall because intimacy isn't just about sex. Bottom line, if you've got a selfish man who truly loves you, once you follow through with these things, you should notice some shifts (it shouldn't take forever either). If you don't, well, you've got some real pondering to do because if someone is too self-consumed to meet your needs, after you stated them, do they even deserve you? In the bedroom or out? Whew. I'm sayin'.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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