Some of y'all may recall that it was right around this time last year that "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" was published on this platform. A part of what I touched on was a wife-friend of mine sharing the fact that having a man with a big penis isn't always, automatically or necessarily all that it's cracked up to be because 1) if he doesn't know how to use it and/or 2) he is a selfish lover, what's the point in having one around? I mean, really.
It's the second point that I'm going to tackle today because the reality is, a lot of people don't struggle with having a fulfilling sex life due to lack of attraction, chemistry or even technique. It's actually because their partner is sexually selfish as all get out and they're not quite sure what to do about it. While I certainly don't have all of the answers and, honestly, a topic as broad as this could be written as novella, I am hoping that if your man has you at your absolute wit's end, maybe what I'm about to share can at least offer a ray of hope, a bit of clarity and a couple of steps towards a viable solution. Because if there's one thing that sex shouldn't be — both ways, by the way — it's selfish.
First, Let’s Revisit What It Means to Be Selfish, Shall We?
Caring only for oneself. Concerned primarily with one's own interest and welfare. Self-centered. Egocentric. Mercenary. Narrow-minded. Self-seeking. Stingy. Tight. These are just some of the words that are used to define what it means to be selfish. And when it comes to being involved with a selfish individual on a romantic level — people who don't reciprocate are selfish.
People who suck at compromising are selfish. People who are more concerned with what they can get rather than what they can give are selfish. People who think their partner is the only one who has flaws or could stand to improve are selfish. People who want to control everything are selfish. People who always operate from a place of ulterior motives are selfish. People who have a sense of entitlement are selfish.
In a relationship setting, I'll give you a real-time example. I've got a friend whose husband is selfish as hell. He's a nice guy. He's still selfish. Case in point. The monies that they both earn have gone to things like buying his family members expensive gifts yet when my friend wants to do something for her folks, he wants to penny-pinch or extend loans. He claims it's because her people are more self-sufficient than his are. Whatever dude. You are selfish.
Another example. A different friend of mine has a husband who lacks "being present" on basically every level. Even something as simple as her birthday, he constantly gets her what he thinks she should have rather than what she actually wants. Don't get me wrong, the presents are nice; however, if someone tells you what they desire and you go and do your own thing, that is an example of making their wants/needs about yourself and that? That is selfish.
The reason why I thought it was a good idea to provide some examples of what it means to be selfish in a relationship, outside of the bedroom, is because sometimes we can find ourselves on our backs, with some man on top of us, as we look up at the ceiling and wonder how we got to where we are. We got there because we chose to involve ourselves with someone who is pretty selfish overall. So, if you feel like your man is pretty selfish in bed, ask yourself where else this kind of attitude resonates. It could help you to connect a few dots and get to the bottom of a few things.
How Does a Selfish Lover Get Down?
Listen, I've shared before that I once heard (and am a firm believer of it being true) that sex is a good barometer of a relationship. More specifically, good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent of the relationship because sex lets us know how two people are communicating and connecting overall. As all of this specifically relates to a selfish lover, more times than not, if someone is self-serving in the bedroom, again, it's usually because they are that way in other areas too. And just so we're clear, what are some very telling signs that your man is indeed sexually selfish? For the sake of your time and my space, I'll offer up 10 of 'em.
- He mostly cares about having sex, only when he's in the mood.
- The foreplay either sucks or is non-existent.
- Once he gets his, sex becomes lackluster or is even over.
- You don't truly feel emotionally connected before, after or during the act.
- He's not up to try new things.
- You can't remember the last time romance was involved.
- He's all about receiving fellatio yet sucks at or passes on cunnilingus.
- He has absolutely no idea what afterplay is.
- Orgasms are like sighting Big Foot.
- You can't remember the last time you felt fully satisfied.
Lawd, have mercy. And here's what's interesting about all of these. Oftentimes a man becomes selfish for one of three reasons — laziness, ego or because other partners haven't held him accountable for being lazy or having an ego. And so, even if he cares about you, because he's never really been required to no longer be selfish…he stays that way.
That's the bad news. The good news is there are a few things that you can try that can get your partner to break out of such a ridiculously frustrating (for you) shell. So, just what should you do about a selfish lover?
POINT #1. Tell Him. Non-Selfishly.
Sex is a form of communication, right? However, in a relationship, it's not the only one. The reality is that the best lovers are people who make sure they are mentally and emotionally connected with their partner, even when they are nowhere near their bedroom. The wife who I told you had a husband with a big package? Yep, he's selfish yet she plays a role in him being that way because she's pretty bad at stating what her needs are. Instead, she'll simply deny him sex, hoping that he'll get the hint.
Listen, if y'all don't hear anything else in this article, please hear that one thing that years and years of counseling has revealed to me is men don't do the passive aggressive thing nearly as much as women do. What that means is, if you've got a problem with something, you really need to say it. Say it clearly. Say it concisely. Yet also say it kindly with the intent of making things better not worse. No one wants to be told that they suck in bed. The point here is to alert him to how you're feeling about the intimacy — or lack thereof — between the two of you because you want things to get better. Tell him what you need and want, how not receiving it makes you feel and how resolving the matter will ultimately make sex so much better — for you both.
POINT #2: Meet Him Halfway. For a Season.
It's petty (and to me, being petty is pretty childish) to "punish" your partner for being a selfish lover. Y'all know what punishment looks like — withholding, just lying there, hemming-and-hawing throughout the entire experience, "having a headache" all of the time, hinting at how unhappy you are, even during the act. Besides, taking these kinds of approaches usually does more harm than good because it will eventually make you (more) resentful and cause him to retreat inwardly. Before you know it, now it's a sexless rather than selfish situation.
My recommendation? Meet him where he's at. What I mean by that is, an outstanding lover is going to go above and beyond to make sure their partner is good — and that's great. Problem is, if you've got a lazy person on your hands, they won't seek to do much more because they will think that the little they are doing is enough (because they are getting "rewarded" for it). On the other hand, if you've got an egomaniac in your sheets, they will feel like they deserve all of the time, effort and energy that you are putting in, even if they aren't showing that much reciprocity.
So, scale back a bit. After you've stated your needs, watch and see if he rises to the occasion (no pun intended) by doing more. The only way you'll really be able to notice (at least initially) is if you don't do most of the "work". Let him initiate going down on you. Let him work to make sure you get yours first. Let him reach out to cuddle with you after sex.
Listen, at the end of the day, all of us have some level of selfishness in us. It doesn't make us a bad person altogether. The thing is, if we're striving to improve, once our selfish ways are brought to our attention, slowly yet surely, we'll start to switch up — when people give us the room and space to do so. Otherwise, if they keep doing everything…we may never learn. Or change. Sexual selfishness is not excluded here.
POINT #3: FAKE. NOTHING.
How much do I loathe the entire concept of faking orgasms? So much that I wrote an article about it (check out "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Fake is so…fake. And when you've got a selfish lover on your hands, it's also counterproductive as all get out because while he's being self-consumed, you're being disingenuous. What about any of that conveys sexual bliss? The reality is, if someone has been sexually selfish for a long period of time, it's going to take them a while to learn how to become more…generous. While they are figuring it out, intimacy between the two of you should still transpire yet there is no need to act like you've "been to the mountaintop" when that isn't the case.
Enjoy being together. Acknowledge steps that are being made. Yet don't fake pure ecstasy unless it has actually happened. Why? Because a selfish lover doesn't need a pretender in their midst. They need someone who is open, honest and patient — the foundational basis of any good sexual experience, wouldn't you say?
Oh, and while we're here, remember how I said that a selfish lover is usually selfish in other areas as well? That said, avoid "faking it" in your relationship, period. Sis, the same points that apply to sex apply overall because intimacy isn't just about sex. Bottom line, if you've got a selfish man who truly loves you, once you follow through with these things, you should notice some shifts (it shouldn't take forever either). If you don't, well, you've got some real pondering to do because if someone is too self-consumed to meet your needs, after you stated them, do they even deserve you? In the bedroom or out? Whew. I'm sayin'.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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