Some of y'all may recall that it was right around this time last year that "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" was published on this platform. A part of what I touched on was a wife-friend of mine sharing the fact that having a man with a big penis isn't always, automatically or necessarily all that it's cracked up to be because 1) if he doesn't know how to use it and/or 2) he is a selfish lover, what's the point in having one around? I mean, really.
It's the second point that I'm going to tackle today because the reality is, a lot of people don't struggle with having a fulfilling sex life due to lack of attraction, chemistry or even technique. It's actually because their partner is sexually selfish as all get out and they're not quite sure what to do about it. While I certainly don't have all of the answers and, honestly, a topic as broad as this could be written as novella, I am hoping that if your man has you at your absolute wit's end, maybe what I'm about to share can at least offer a ray of hope, a bit of clarity and a couple of steps towards a viable solution. Because if there's one thing that sex shouldn't be — both ways, by the way — it's selfish.
First, Let’s Revisit What It Means to Be Selfish, Shall We?
Caring only for oneself. Concerned primarily with one's own interest and welfare. Self-centered. Egocentric. Mercenary. Narrow-minded. Self-seeking. Stingy. Tight. These are just some of the words that are used to define what it means to be selfish. And when it comes to being involved with a selfish individual on a romantic level — people who don't reciprocate are selfish.
People who suck at compromising are selfish. People who are more concerned with what they can get rather than what they can give are selfish. People who think their partner is the only one who has flaws or could stand to improve are selfish. People who want to control everything are selfish. People who always operate from a place of ulterior motives are selfish. People who have a sense of entitlement are selfish.
In a relationship setting, I'll give you a real-time example. I've got a friend whose husband is selfish as hell. He's a nice guy. He's still selfish. Case in point. The monies that they both earn have gone to things like buying his family members expensive gifts yet when my friend wants to do something for her folks, he wants to penny-pinch or extend loans. He claims it's because her people are more self-sufficient than his are. Whatever dude. You are selfish.
Another example. A different friend of mine has a husband who lacks "being present" on basically every level. Even something as simple as her birthday, he constantly gets her what he thinks she should have rather than what she actually wants. Don't get me wrong, the presents are nice; however, if someone tells you what they desire and you go and do your own thing, that is an example of making their wants/needs about yourself and that? That is selfish.
The reason why I thought it was a good idea to provide some examples of what it means to be selfish in a relationship, outside of the bedroom, is because sometimes we can find ourselves on our backs, with some man on top of us, as we look up at the ceiling and wonder how we got to where we are. We got there because we chose to involve ourselves with someone who is pretty selfish overall. So, if you feel like your man is pretty selfish in bed, ask yourself where else this kind of attitude resonates. It could help you to connect a few dots and get to the bottom of a few things.
How Does a Selfish Lover Get Down?
Listen, I've shared before that I once heard (and am a firm believer of it being true) that sex is a good barometer of a relationship. More specifically, good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent of the relationship because sex lets us know how two people are communicating and connecting overall. As all of this specifically relates to a selfish lover, more times than not, if someone is self-serving in the bedroom, again, it's usually because they are that way in other areas too. And just so we're clear, what are some very telling signs that your man is indeed sexually selfish? For the sake of your time and my space, I'll offer up 10 of 'em.
- He mostly cares about having sex, only when he's in the mood.
- The foreplay either sucks or is non-existent.
- Once he gets his, sex becomes lackluster or is even over.
- You don't truly feel emotionally connected before, after or during the act.
- He's not up to try new things.
- You can't remember the last time romance was involved.
- He's all about receiving fellatio yet sucks at or passes on cunnilingus.
- He has absolutely no idea what afterplay is.
- Orgasms are like sighting Big Foot.
- You can't remember the last time you felt fully satisfied.
Lawd, have mercy. And here's what's interesting about all of these. Oftentimes a man becomes selfish for one of three reasons — laziness, ego or because other partners haven't held him accountable for being lazy or having an ego. And so, even if he cares about you, because he's never really been required to no longer be selfish…he stays that way.
That's the bad news. The good news is there are a few things that you can try that can get your partner to break out of such a ridiculously frustrating (for you) shell. So, just what should you do about a selfish lover?
POINT #1. Tell Him. Non-Selfishly.
Sex is a form of communication, right? However, in a relationship, it's not the only one. The reality is that the best lovers are people who make sure they are mentally and emotionally connected with their partner, even when they are nowhere near their bedroom. The wife who I told you had a husband with a big package? Yep, he's selfish yet she plays a role in him being that way because she's pretty bad at stating what her needs are. Instead, she'll simply deny him sex, hoping that he'll get the hint.
Listen, if y'all don't hear anything else in this article, please hear that one thing that years and years of counseling has revealed to me is men don't do the passive aggressive thing nearly as much as women do. What that means is, if you've got a problem with something, you really need to say it. Say it clearly. Say it concisely. Yet also say it kindly with the intent of making things better not worse. No one wants to be told that they suck in bed. The point here is to alert him to how you're feeling about the intimacy — or lack thereof — between the two of you because you want things to get better. Tell him what you need and want, how not receiving it makes you feel and how resolving the matter will ultimately make sex so much better — for you both.
POINT #2: Meet Him Halfway. For a Season.
It's petty (and to me, being petty is pretty childish) to "punish" your partner for being a selfish lover. Y'all know what punishment looks like — withholding, just lying there, hemming-and-hawing throughout the entire experience, "having a headache" all of the time, hinting at how unhappy you are, even during the act. Besides, taking these kinds of approaches usually does more harm than good because it will eventually make you (more) resentful and cause him to retreat inwardly. Before you know it, now it's a sexless rather than selfish situation.
My recommendation? Meet him where he's at. What I mean by that is, an outstanding lover is going to go above and beyond to make sure their partner is good — and that's great. Problem is, if you've got a lazy person on your hands, they won't seek to do much more because they will think that the little they are doing is enough (because they are getting "rewarded" for it). On the other hand, if you've got an egomaniac in your sheets, they will feel like they deserve all of the time, effort and energy that you are putting in, even if they aren't showing that much reciprocity.
So, scale back a bit. After you've stated your needs, watch and see if he rises to the occasion (no pun intended) by doing more. The only way you'll really be able to notice (at least initially) is if you don't do most of the "work". Let him initiate going down on you. Let him work to make sure you get yours first. Let him reach out to cuddle with you after sex.
Listen, at the end of the day, all of us have some level of selfishness in us. It doesn't make us a bad person altogether. The thing is, if we're striving to improve, once our selfish ways are brought to our attention, slowly yet surely, we'll start to switch up — when people give us the room and space to do so. Otherwise, if they keep doing everything…we may never learn. Or change. Sexual selfishness is not excluded here.
POINT #3: FAKE. NOTHING.
How much do I loathe the entire concept of faking orgasms? So much that I wrote an article about it (check out "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Fake is so…fake. And when you've got a selfish lover on your hands, it's also counterproductive as all get out because while he's being self-consumed, you're being disingenuous. What about any of that conveys sexual bliss? The reality is, if someone has been sexually selfish for a long period of time, it's going to take them a while to learn how to become more…generous. While they are figuring it out, intimacy between the two of you should still transpire yet there is no need to act like you've "been to the mountaintop" when that isn't the case.
Enjoy being together. Acknowledge steps that are being made. Yet don't fake pure ecstasy unless it has actually happened. Why? Because a selfish lover doesn't need a pretender in their midst. They need someone who is open, honest and patient — the foundational basis of any good sexual experience, wouldn't you say?
Oh, and while we're here, remember how I said that a selfish lover is usually selfish in other areas as well? That said, avoid "faking it" in your relationship, period. Sis, the same points that apply to sex apply overall because intimacy isn't just about sex. Bottom line, if you've got a selfish man who truly loves you, once you follow through with these things, you should notice some shifts (it shouldn't take forever either). If you don't, well, you've got some real pondering to do because if someone is too self-consumed to meet your needs, after you stated them, do they even deserve you? In the bedroom or out? Whew. I'm sayin'.
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"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
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While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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