Listen, I don't care how long you've been with someone, one of the biggest mistakes that you can ever make (and unfortunately, people do it all of the time) is assume that you know them so well that there is no need to ask them to share their thoughts. I don't care what the topic is. Including sex. For one thing, it takes literally a lifetime to really get to know someone on a profoundly intimate level. A part of the reason why is, if we're doing this life thing correctly, we're going to shift…evolve…change.
That's why I'm always down for married couples pouring themselves a glass of wine, putting on some soft music and asking themselves where they stand with each other when it comes to sex — so that both individuals can gain clarity. So that specific needs can be met. So that everyone involved can feel fully satisfied.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for this platform entitled, "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." While some of the questions are a little similar, where the following eight differ is it's more about getting into the psyche of your partner than inquiring about the act of sex itself. Because since it's long been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ that there is, when two people are on the same page on a mental level, the physical pleasure, more times than not, will come.
1. Do You Think Sex Was Better Before We Got Married or Now?
OK, while virginity is not quite the rainbow unicorn that so many people (and the media) make it out to be, I totally believe the stats that say around 90 percent of folks have had sex prior to marriage. If you add to that the reality that, as I've shared before, something that almost all of the married couples I've worked with have in common is the fact that they've had sex with one another prior to jumping the broom, this first question would not only be a fair one but a super realistic one as well. In fact, one of the complaints that I hear a lot from husbands is sex isn't as frequent as when they were just dating their partner while wives oftentimes say it's not as romantic or intimate. The sad part is, many times, this stuff doesn't come up until a therapist/counselor/life coach asks about it; this means tons of couples are out here internalizing their frustration which is never good when it comes to cultivating a healthy and longstanding sex life.
That's why I definitely think it's important for married couples to ask each other if they thought their sex life — again, with one another — was better before they got married or after. If the answer is "before", the next step is that they hear each other out as to why.
Because let's be real here — a lot of husbands and wives get pretty lazy when it comes to sex after saying "I do". The mentality is kind of "I have you now, so I don't have to put in as much effort" when, really, that couldn't be further from the truth. When someone makes the decision to be with you for the rest of their lives and have sex with only you, that's not the time to get careless, apathetic, idle, inattentive or passive. That is when you REALLY need to step your game up and make sure that your partner is fulfilled and satisfied — for the long haul.
2. Do You Feel Like We Make Sex a Priority?
Y'all, let me apologize in advance for not recalling where I saw this video of a Black married couple where the wife said that she wasn't "giving it up" nearly as much as she did when she and her husband were dating because — and I quote — "It was more of a priority to me then." What in the world, girl? Any time I hear a married person — and I'm gonna be honest, it's usually a wife — say something along those lines, I don't know whether to be mad at their parents, their religious upbringing or their friends who probably spew out that same kind of nonsense because sex is DEFINITELY to be a marital priority. As I say often, even the Bible says that the ONLY time sex should not transpire between a husband and wife is when they have mutually agreed to pray and fast; otherwise, they are asking for all kinds of drama (I Corinthians 7:5).
While there are a lot of different ways to define a priority, my favorite is probably "the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence". Yes, sex is supposed to "pull rank" on a lot of things because it is an act that you should only be having with your partner; one that cultivates oneness and intimacy like nothing else can. Listen, if you can prioritize your favorite trash reality show, two hours to scroll through Instagram and time to gossip with your friends on the phone, you can definitely treat sex with your spouse as an act of great privilege. Do you? Ask your husband what he thinks.
3. Have Your Sexual Needs Changed?
A quote that I have shared before is one by a late humor columnist by the name of Richard J. Needham. He once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." So wise, so wise. And here's the thing — a lot of people get divorced, not because anything "bad" happened; it's because they did not prepare themselves for learning how to be flexible enough to handle their spouse's changes…as they change. This can include the bedroom.
There's a married couple that I know who've been sexually unhealthy, shoot, for more than half of their 20-year marriage. A big part of it is because the bang-bang-bang sex that they both used to enjoy, the wife has now "shifted out of" while the husband refuses to accept this as being a part of their new normal. He doesn't want to compromise which makes her not want to have sex at all which now has them out here, basically sexless (check out "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage" and "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). Not good. Not good.
The things that you may have been interested in or down for in your 20s may be very different once you hit your 40s. The way you view sex (check out "How Your Man Can Adjust To Your 'Sexual Growth Spurts'") could be totally different. When this is the case, your sexual needs may no longer be the same. Sometimes partners don't share this with one another because they are concerned about how their spouse will feel; however, it's better to be forthcoming and honest than to hold things in and eventually become resentful because the sex you're having isn't really the kind of sex you're desiring…anymore.
4. Do You Still Feel Emotionally and Spiritually Connected to Me?
When two people feel connected on an emotional and spiritual level, it's hard for intimacy to not be fulfilling on a myriad of different levels. And what are the signs that this is indeed the case? If y'all have read my relationship-related content on this site long enough, you know that I'm a huge fan of the presence of emotional safety between two people (check out "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship") which includes feeling really seen and heard and knowing that you can rely on your partner for encouragement and support. As far as a solid spiritual connection goes (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"), it's literally about two spirits being in sync — laughing together, feeling free-to-be in each other's presence, understanding that the mutual respect is strong (check out "7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)"), having conversations are meaningful and, for the most part, believing that you both share the same values and desires for the future.
Even if the two of you were super connected on your wedding day or even a month ago, sometimes life can get in the way and cause there to be some "static in the lines". Almost every married person knows what it's like to be in the midst of having sex with their partner and then feel like their spouse isn't totally present in the moment. If that's what you've been experiencing lately, there's a chance that your hubby either has taken notice or feels the same way. Talking about where you both are emotionally and spiritually can, interestingly enough, cultivate more of an emotional and spiritual bond. So, don't hesitate to do it.
5. Are We Still Having Sex for the Right Reasons?
It might sound odd at first yet, even when it comes to marital intimacy, there is such a thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. And what could be the wrong reason when it comes to why you choose to have sex with your spouse? Two that immediately come to mind is you want to shut them up or you use it as a way to deflect from other issues (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). Remember when I said that sex should be a priority in marriage? I absolutely meant that. But if it feels more like an obligation or a chore, that is not how it should be for you. So, if there is some level of codependency or it feels more like a burden to you yet you are doing it anyway to keep your partner happy, at the very least, bring this to their attention. If you can't find a solution together, consider going to couple's therapy/counseling. You deserve to enjoy sex not just "have" it. And if you're married to a truly good man, he will wholeheartedly agree.
6. Do You Think I Initiate Enough?
OK, so I don't know if this is gonna be a "duh" for y'all or not but there are quite a few studies out here that state couples who have more sex have one particular thing in common — the woman initiates more. No, not more than men. What it means is she makes a point to initiate, period. While we're here, I bet you also won't gasp at the fact that a top complaint that a lot of husbands give me as it relates to sex is they feel like they are the one who makes the first move, most of the time. When I look across at the wife and ask her why, I usually hear something along the lines of, "I don't really think about sex until he brings it up" or "I'm just used to him doing it."
No one feels wanted and desired if their partner isn't making them feel that way. Initiating sex is just one way to make that happen. I'm telling you that it can be super enlightening to ask your partner if you initiate sex enough and then wait — without getting defensive — for their answer. Once they give it to you, be open to asking why they feel that way as well. That answer right there could take your sex life to a whole 'nother level…if you stay open to it.
7. What Do You Wish I Would Do More Often?
You know what I roll my eyes about often? This ridiculous notion that certain acts should only happen on special occasions. What in the world? For one thing, tomorrow is not promised, so if folks only get to experience certain positions or activities on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, that means y'all are being super presumptuous about the gift of time. Not only that but, just imagine how many more married couples would be fully sexually satisfied if their partner was all about trying new things, checking off sex-themed bucket lists and making every time feel like the first time as much as possible. Sometimes, we don't know what our partner's favorite thing is unless we ask them. And I promise you, that you will see nothing short of a Cheshire cat (in the best way possible, of course) when you do.
8. How Can We Get (or Stay) in Sync?
In sync. I like that term a lot. One definition of it is "they match or happen together as they should". As we bring this to a close, it can never hurt to ask your man if he feels like, when it comes to bedroom activity, that things happen together as they should. If he says "yes", follow that up with what does he think you both can do to make it stay that way because things like tight schedules, kids, busy weekends, flip-flop sleeping patterns and doing everything at night BUT gettin' some can definitely cause you to get all out of sync, if you're not careful.
At the end of the day, a healthy relationship is about clear and consistent communication and sex is one of the most intimate — and pleasurable — forms of communication that there is. These eight questions are not about interrogating, being hypercritical or passing judgment or blame. It's about learning how to communicate better…so that you can communicate better. Now get off of here, so y'all can have a lil' chat. #wink
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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While the movies and shows on this list vary in genre and style, they all have toe-curling elements that make them truly mind-blowing.
1. Love & Basketball
Now, Love & Basketballis a universally memorable movie in the Black community in its own right, but that sex scene was almost revolutionary. The raw, realistic portrayal of Monica’s first time as she loses her virginity to her childhood soulmate Quincy was an important moment for young Black women everywhere. For a scene that had no on-screen nudity, the chemistry between the characters was enough to have us all feeling a little hot under the collar!
2. Set It Off
This 1996 sex scene between Blair Underwood and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s characters Keith and Stony had all the elements that take a sex scene from good to great. And let’s not let the fact that Jada used a body double take away from how iconic this scene is. Attractive actors, focused foreplay, close-ups, tension-building music (shout out En Vogue!), and chemistry for days. When I rewatched this movie recently and noticed the way Keith moved his chain out of the way (IYKYK), I yelled! Those little details set this sex scene apart.
3. Out of Time
Denzel Washington has been fine his whole life. He’s intergenerational fine. And when this movie came out he was in his PRIME, okay?! The chemistry between Denzel and Sanaa Lathan in Out of Time is undeniable. So much so that when the movie came out, rumors began to circulate that the actors were romantically involved. And if you’ve seen the movie, I’m sure you’re not surprised.
The icing on the cake for me was that roleplay scene (peep the video above). You know, the one where Matthias pretends to be investigating a crime and Ann talks him through what the “intruder” did to her and he reenacts it? Turns out WE were the ones intruding on a crime - assault with a deadly weapon, if you will.
4. Scandal
Thursdays haven’t been the same since ABC’s TGIT. Shonda Rhimes was in her bag when she gave us back-to-back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, AND How To Get Away With Murder. Lives were changed. Aside from nail-biting drama and salacious storylines, Shonda also consistently gave us an array of dangerously attractive characters and sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I’ll forever be team #Olitz. Their steamy sex sessions were made even hotter because their relationship was taboo, scandalous, even.
Adultery aside, Olivia and Fitz’s sexy time scenes never left anything to be desired. Interestingly, my favorite Olitz sex scene is their very first time. After six episodes of build-up, they finally did the deed and alleviated all the sexual tension we’d all been feeling. I think we all developed a new level of respect for Fitz when he ordered Olivia to take her clothes off, and she did not disappoint because she served bawdy in that white lingerie (I see what you did there, Shonda). Olivia served at the pleasure of the President, and so did we. For all 6 seasons.
5. Bridgerton
Dearest Gentle Reader, this couple certainly set the Ton abuzz in Bridgerton season one. For a Duke who was once lost for words, the cat’s certainly no longer in possession of his tongue. And luckily, it seems the Duchess is more physical touch than words of affirmation.
The Hastings basked in newlywed bliss all over their new abode and that library ladder scene - you know the one - took the couple’s sex life to new heights. What made this scene with Simon going down on Daphne while she’s suspended on a ladder so incredibly hot is how it centered *female* pleasure. He a good man, Savannah!
6. Insecure
One thing we could always expect from Issa Rae and Larry Wilmore’s hit series - a jaw-dropping sex scene. What I loved about Insecure’s sex scenes is that they’re not only seriously hot, but alsoVERY relatable. From that incident with Daniel, to Issa and Lawrence’s freshly-broken-up-unfinished-business ex-sex.
The one that tops my list has got to be when Issa and Nathan joined their own version of the Mile High Club on the Ferris wheel at Coachella. Cinematically, the scene was gorgeous but it also felt truly organic, like it was the perfect first time for them. I feel like we all collectively exhaled because she finally chose a man we could actually root for. You know what that is? Growth.
Honorable mention: the we’ve-finally-reunited couch sex Lawrence and Issa have when they finally get back together.
7. Power
From gunplay to foreplay, Power held nothing back. Every sex scene was spicy in its own way from Tate and his staffer, to the pilot episode Ghost and Tasha, to Tommy and Keisha. So many to choose from! The one that stands out in my mind is when Ghost and Angela get it on against the window of his hotel room overlooking the New York cityscape. Their chemistry was undeniable and the yearning was palpable in every single one of their sex scenes. Now, that’s acting!
8. Love Jones
WhenLove Jones premiered in 1997, a Black romance about a couple of creatives living and loving in the city was unprecedented. Between the novelty of the story and the charming dynamic between Darius and Nina, Love Jones quickly became a cultural classic. And even with the plethora of Black stories that have since graced our screens, Love Jones is a movie the conversation always comes back to. I mean, with bars like “I’m the blues in your left thigh trying to become the funk in your right”? Yeah, I would’ve folded.
Nina and Darius having sex on the first date felt bold and spontaneous, but that’s only part of why that scene was so steamy. Music can make or break a moment on-screen - sex or otherwise - and Maxwell’s "Sumthin’ Sumthin’" playing in the background made it feel like they were truly making love. Romance is sexy too, right?
9. Queen & Slim
Finally, on-screen car sex that actually looks enjoyable! It’s a beautifully shot scene with long, slow closeups of the characters making intense eye contact (IYKYK!). And the passion between the two actors is so realistic that some people even questioned if the scene was real! The buildup that led to this spontaneous daylight, on-the-run hookup made it even sexier. 10/10, no notes.
For so long, we’ve been starved of seeing positive Black female sexuality on screen and the She’s Gotta Have It remake helped to change that. DeWanda Wise absolutely killed it in the Spike Lee remake as Nola Darling, a polyamorous pansexual woman living her best sexually liberated life, boldly approaching relationships in a way we usually see as taboo. Men, women…one, two, three on rotation, Nola’s pleasure was Nola’s priority (IKDR!).
While her sexual appetite meant her loving bed saw many visitors, I think her best sex scene came when she finally decided to give monogamy a try with her girlfriend Opal. While the scene was pretty graphic, just like the others, this one was different because it was special. It felt like Nola and Opal were two women passionately in love. And what’s sexier than sex with someone you love?
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Featured image via Netflix