Listen, I don't care how long you've been with someone, one of the biggest mistakes that you can ever make (and unfortunately, people do it all of the time) is assume that you know them so well that there is no need to ask them to share their thoughts. I don't care what the topic is. Including sex. For one thing, it takes literally a lifetime to really get to know someone on a profoundly intimate level. A part of the reason why is, if we're doing this life thing correctly, we're going to shift…evolve…change.
That's why I'm always down for married couples pouring themselves a glass of wine, putting on some soft music and asking themselves where they stand with each other when it comes to sex — so that both individuals can gain clarity. So that specific needs can be met. So that everyone involved can feel fully satisfied.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for this platform entitled, "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." While some of the questions are a little similar, where the following eight differ is it's more about getting into the psyche of your partner than inquiring about the act of sex itself. Because since it's long been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ that there is, when two people are on the same page on a mental level, the physical pleasure, more times than not, will come.
1. Do You Think Sex Was Better Before We Got Married or Now?
OK, while virginity is not quite the rainbow unicorn that so many people (and the media) make it out to be, I totally believe the stats that say around 90 percent of folks have had sex prior to marriage. If you add to that the reality that, as I've shared before, something that almost all of the married couples I've worked with have in common is the fact that they've had sex with one another prior to jumping the broom, this first question would not only be a fair one but a super realistic one as well. In fact, one of the complaints that I hear a lot from husbands is sex isn't as frequent as when they were just dating their partner while wives oftentimes say it's not as romantic or intimate. The sad part is, many times, this stuff doesn't come up until a therapist/counselor/life coach asks about it; this means tons of couples are out here internalizing their frustration which is never good when it comes to cultivating a healthy and longstanding sex life.
That's why I definitely think it's important for married couples to ask each other if they thought their sex life — again, with one another — was better before they got married or after. If the answer is "before", the next step is that they hear each other out as to why.
Because let's be real here — a lot of husbands and wives get pretty lazy when it comes to sex after saying "I do". The mentality is kind of "I have you now, so I don't have to put in as much effort" when, really, that couldn't be further from the truth. When someone makes the decision to be with you for the rest of their lives and have sex with only you, that's not the time to get careless, apathetic, idle, inattentive or passive. That is when you REALLY need to step your game up and make sure that your partner is fulfilled and satisfied — for the long haul.
2. Do You Feel Like We Make Sex a Priority?
Y'all, let me apologize in advance for not recalling where I saw this video of a Black married couple where the wife said that she wasn't "giving it up" nearly as much as she did when she and her husband were dating because — and I quote — "It was more of a priority to me then." What in the world, girl? Any time I hear a married person — and I'm gonna be honest, it's usually a wife — say something along those lines, I don't know whether to be mad at their parents, their religious upbringing or their friends who probably spew out that same kind of nonsense because sex is DEFINITELY to be a marital priority. As I say often, even the Bible says that the ONLY time sex should not transpire between a husband and wife is when they have mutually agreed to pray and fast; otherwise, they are asking for all kinds of drama (I Corinthians 7:5).
While there are a lot of different ways to define a priority, my favorite is probably "the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence". Yes, sex is supposed to "pull rank" on a lot of things because it is an act that you should only be having with your partner; one that cultivates oneness and intimacy like nothing else can. Listen, if you can prioritize your favorite trash reality show, two hours to scroll through Instagram and time to gossip with your friends on the phone, you can definitely treat sex with your spouse as an act of great privilege. Do you? Ask your husband what he thinks.
3. Have Your Sexual Needs Changed?
A quote that I have shared before is one by a late humor columnist by the name of Richard J. Needham. He once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." So wise, so wise. And here's the thing — a lot of people get divorced, not because anything "bad" happened; it's because they did not prepare themselves for learning how to be flexible enough to handle their spouse's changes…as they change. This can include the bedroom.
There's a married couple that I know who've been sexually unhealthy, shoot, for more than half of their 20-year marriage. A big part of it is because the bang-bang-bang sex that they both used to enjoy, the wife has now "shifted out of" while the husband refuses to accept this as being a part of their new normal. He doesn't want to compromise which makes her not want to have sex at all which now has them out here, basically sexless (check out "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage" and "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). Not good. Not good.
The things that you may have been interested in or down for in your 20s may be very different once you hit your 40s. The way you view sex (check out "How Your Man Can Adjust To Your 'Sexual Growth Spurts'") could be totally different. When this is the case, your sexual needs may no longer be the same. Sometimes partners don't share this with one another because they are concerned about how their spouse will feel; however, it's better to be forthcoming and honest than to hold things in and eventually become resentful because the sex you're having isn't really the kind of sex you're desiring…anymore.
4. Do You Still Feel Emotionally and Spiritually Connected to Me?
When two people feel connected on an emotional and spiritual level, it's hard for intimacy to not be fulfilling on a myriad of different levels. And what are the signs that this is indeed the case? If y'all have read my relationship-related content on this site long enough, you know that I'm a huge fan of the presence of emotional safety between two people (check out "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship") which includes feeling really seen and heard and knowing that you can rely on your partner for encouragement and support. As far as a solid spiritual connection goes (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"), it's literally about two spirits being in sync — laughing together, feeling free-to-be in each other's presence, understanding that the mutual respect is strong (check out "7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)"), having conversations are meaningful and, for the most part, believing that you both share the same values and desires for the future.
Even if the two of you were super connected on your wedding day or even a month ago, sometimes life can get in the way and cause there to be some "static in the lines". Almost every married person knows what it's like to be in the midst of having sex with their partner and then feel like their spouse isn't totally present in the moment. If that's what you've been experiencing lately, there's a chance that your hubby either has taken notice or feels the same way. Talking about where you both are emotionally and spiritually can, interestingly enough, cultivate more of an emotional and spiritual bond. So, don't hesitate to do it.
5. Are We Still Having Sex for the Right Reasons?
It might sound odd at first yet, even when it comes to marital intimacy, there is such a thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. And what could be the wrong reason when it comes to why you choose to have sex with your spouse? Two that immediately come to mind is you want to shut them up or you use it as a way to deflect from other issues (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). Remember when I said that sex should be a priority in marriage? I absolutely meant that. But if it feels more like an obligation or a chore, that is not how it should be for you. So, if there is some level of codependency or it feels more like a burden to you yet you are doing it anyway to keep your partner happy, at the very least, bring this to their attention. If you can't find a solution together, consider going to couple's therapy/counseling. You deserve to enjoy sex not just "have" it. And if you're married to a truly good man, he will wholeheartedly agree.
6. Do You Think I Initiate Enough?
OK, so I don't know if this is gonna be a "duh" for y'all or not but there are quite a few studies out here that state couples who have more sex have one particular thing in common — the woman initiates more. No, not more than men. What it means is she makes a point to initiate, period. While we're here, I bet you also won't gasp at the fact that a top complaint that a lot of husbands give me as it relates to sex is they feel like they are the one who makes the first move, most of the time. When I look across at the wife and ask her why, I usually hear something along the lines of, "I don't really think about sex until he brings it up" or "I'm just used to him doing it."
No one feels wanted and desired if their partner isn't making them feel that way. Initiating sex is just one way to make that happen. I'm telling you that it can be super enlightening to ask your partner if you initiate sex enough and then wait — without getting defensive — for their answer. Once they give it to you, be open to asking why they feel that way as well. That answer right there could take your sex life to a whole 'nother level…if you stay open to it.
7. What Do You Wish I Would Do More Often?
You know what I roll my eyes about often? This ridiculous notion that certain acts should only happen on special occasions. What in the world? For one thing, tomorrow is not promised, so if folks only get to experience certain positions or activities on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, that means y'all are being super presumptuous about the gift of time. Not only that but, just imagine how many more married couples would be fully sexually satisfied if their partner was all about trying new things, checking off sex-themed bucket lists and making every time feel like the first time as much as possible. Sometimes, we don't know what our partner's favorite thing is unless we ask them. And I promise you, that you will see nothing short of a Cheshire cat (in the best way possible, of course) when you do.
8. How Can We Get (or Stay) in Sync?
In sync. I like that term a lot. One definition of it is "they match or happen together as they should". As we bring this to a close, it can never hurt to ask your man if he feels like, when it comes to bedroom activity, that things happen together as they should. If he says "yes", follow that up with what does he think you both can do to make it stay that way because things like tight schedules, kids, busy weekends, flip-flop sleeping patterns and doing everything at night BUT gettin' some can definitely cause you to get all out of sync, if you're not careful.
At the end of the day, a healthy relationship is about clear and consistent communication and sex is one of the most intimate — and pleasurable — forms of communication that there is. These eight questions are not about interrogating, being hypercritical or passing judgment or blame. It's about learning how to communicate better…so that you can communicate better. Now get off of here, so y'all can have a lil' chat. #wink
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Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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