

Listen, I don't care how long you've been with someone, one of the biggest mistakes that you can ever make (and unfortunately, people do it all of the time) is assume that you know them so well that there is no need to ask them to share their thoughts. I don't care what the topic is. Including sex. For one thing, it takes literally a lifetime to really get to know someone on a profoundly intimate level. A part of the reason why is, if we're doing this life thing correctly, we're going to shift…evolve…change.
That's why I'm always down for married couples pouring themselves a glass of wine, putting on some soft music and asking themselves where they stand with each other when it comes to sex — so that both individuals can gain clarity. So that specific needs can be met. So that everyone involved can feel fully satisfied.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for this platform entitled, "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." While some of the questions are a little similar, where the following eight differ is it's more about getting into the psyche of your partner than inquiring about the act of sex itself. Because since it's long been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ that there is, when two people are on the same page on a mental level, the physical pleasure, more times than not, will come.
1. Do You Think Sex Was Better Before We Got Married or Now?
OK, while virginity is not quite the rainbow unicorn that so many people (and the media) make it out to be, I totally believe the stats that say around 90 percent of folks have had sex prior to marriage. If you add to that the reality that, as I've shared before, something that almost all of the married couples I've worked with have in common is the fact that they've had sex with one another prior to jumping the broom, this first question would not only be a fair one but a super realistic one as well. In fact, one of the complaints that I hear a lot from husbands is sex isn't as frequent as when they were just dating their partner while wives oftentimes say it's not as romantic or intimate. The sad part is, many times, this stuff doesn't come up until a therapist/counselor/life coach asks about it; this means tons of couples are out here internalizing their frustration which is never good when it comes to cultivating a healthy and longstanding sex life.
That's why I definitely think it's important for married couples to ask each other if they thought their sex life — again, with one another — was better before they got married or after. If the answer is "before", the next step is that they hear each other out as to why.
Because let's be real here — a lot of husbands and wives get pretty lazy when it comes to sex after saying "I do". The mentality is kind of "I have you now, so I don't have to put in as much effort" when, really, that couldn't be further from the truth. When someone makes the decision to be with you for the rest of their lives and have sex with only you, that's not the time to get careless, apathetic, idle, inattentive or passive. That is when you REALLY need to step your game up and make sure that your partner is fulfilled and satisfied — for the long haul.
2. Do You Feel Like We Make Sex a Priority?
Y'all, let me apologize in advance for not recalling where I saw this video of a Black married couple where the wife said that she wasn't "giving it up" nearly as much as she did when she and her husband were dating because — and I quote — "It was more of a priority to me then." What in the world, girl? Any time I hear a married person — and I'm gonna be honest, it's usually a wife — say something along those lines, I don't know whether to be mad at their parents, their religious upbringing or their friends who probably spew out that same kind of nonsense because sex is DEFINITELY to be a marital priority. As I say often, even the Bible says that the ONLY time sex should not transpire between a husband and wife is when they have mutually agreed to pray and fast; otherwise, they are asking for all kinds of drama (I Corinthians 7:5).
While there are a lot of different ways to define a priority, my favorite is probably "the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence". Yes, sex is supposed to "pull rank" on a lot of things because it is an act that you should only be having with your partner; one that cultivates oneness and intimacy like nothing else can. Listen, if you can prioritize your favorite trash reality show, two hours to scroll through Instagram and time to gossip with your friends on the phone, you can definitely treat sex with your spouse as an act of great privilege. Do you? Ask your husband what he thinks.
3. Have Your Sexual Needs Changed?
A quote that I have shared before is one by a late humor columnist by the name of Richard J. Needham. He once said, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." So wise, so wise. And here's the thing — a lot of people get divorced, not because anything "bad" happened; it's because they did not prepare themselves for learning how to be flexible enough to handle their spouse's changes…as they change. This can include the bedroom.
There's a married couple that I know who've been sexually unhealthy, shoot, for more than half of their 20-year marriage. A big part of it is because the bang-bang-bang sex that they both used to enjoy, the wife has now "shifted out of" while the husband refuses to accept this as being a part of their new normal. He doesn't want to compromise which makes her not want to have sex at all which now has them out here, basically sexless (check out "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage" and "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). Not good. Not good.
The things that you may have been interested in or down for in your 20s may be very different once you hit your 40s. The way you view sex (check out "How Your Man Can Adjust To Your 'Sexual Growth Spurts'") could be totally different. When this is the case, your sexual needs may no longer be the same. Sometimes partners don't share this with one another because they are concerned about how their spouse will feel; however, it's better to be forthcoming and honest than to hold things in and eventually become resentful because the sex you're having isn't really the kind of sex you're desiring…anymore.
4. Do You Still Feel Emotionally and Spiritually Connected to Me?
When two people feel connected on an emotional and spiritual level, it's hard for intimacy to not be fulfilling on a myriad of different levels. And what are the signs that this is indeed the case? If y'all have read my relationship-related content on this site long enough, you know that I'm a huge fan of the presence of emotional safety between two people (check out "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship") which includes feeling really seen and heard and knowing that you can rely on your partner for encouragement and support. As far as a solid spiritual connection goes (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone"), it's literally about two spirits being in sync — laughing together, feeling free-to-be in each other's presence, understanding that the mutual respect is strong (check out "7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)"), having conversations are meaningful and, for the most part, believing that you both share the same values and desires for the future.
Even if the two of you were super connected on your wedding day or even a month ago, sometimes life can get in the way and cause there to be some "static in the lines". Almost every married person knows what it's like to be in the midst of having sex with their partner and then feel like their spouse isn't totally present in the moment. If that's what you've been experiencing lately, there's a chance that your hubby either has taken notice or feels the same way. Talking about where you both are emotionally and spiritually can, interestingly enough, cultivate more of an emotional and spiritual bond. So, don't hesitate to do it.
5. Are We Still Having Sex for the Right Reasons?
It might sound odd at first yet, even when it comes to marital intimacy, there is such a thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. And what could be the wrong reason when it comes to why you choose to have sex with your spouse? Two that immediately come to mind is you want to shut them up or you use it as a way to deflect from other issues (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). Remember when I said that sex should be a priority in marriage? I absolutely meant that. But if it feels more like an obligation or a chore, that is not how it should be for you. So, if there is some level of codependency or it feels more like a burden to you yet you are doing it anyway to keep your partner happy, at the very least, bring this to their attention. If you can't find a solution together, consider going to couple's therapy/counseling. You deserve to enjoy sex not just "have" it. And if you're married to a truly good man, he will wholeheartedly agree.
6. Do You Think I Initiate Enough?
OK, so I don't know if this is gonna be a "duh" for y'all or not but there are quite a few studies out here that state couples who have more sex have one particular thing in common — the woman initiates more. No, not more than men. What it means is she makes a point to initiate, period. While we're here, I bet you also won't gasp at the fact that a top complaint that a lot of husbands give me as it relates to sex is they feel like they are the one who makes the first move, most of the time. When I look across at the wife and ask her why, I usually hear something along the lines of, "I don't really think about sex until he brings it up" or "I'm just used to him doing it."
No one feels wanted and desired if their partner isn't making them feel that way. Initiating sex is just one way to make that happen. I'm telling you that it can be super enlightening to ask your partner if you initiate sex enough and then wait — without getting defensive — for their answer. Once they give it to you, be open to asking why they feel that way as well. That answer right there could take your sex life to a whole 'nother level…if you stay open to it.
7. What Do You Wish I Would Do More Often?
You know what I roll my eyes about often? This ridiculous notion that certain acts should only happen on special occasions. What in the world? For one thing, tomorrow is not promised, so if folks only get to experience certain positions or activities on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, that means y'all are being super presumptuous about the gift of time. Not only that but, just imagine how many more married couples would be fully sexually satisfied if their partner was all about trying new things, checking off sex-themed bucket lists and making every time feel like the first time as much as possible. Sometimes, we don't know what our partner's favorite thing is unless we ask them. And I promise you, that you will see nothing short of a Cheshire cat (in the best way possible, of course) when you do.
8. How Can We Get (or Stay) in Sync?
In sync. I like that term a lot. One definition of it is "they match or happen together as they should". As we bring this to a close, it can never hurt to ask your man if he feels like, when it comes to bedroom activity, that things happen together as they should. If he says "yes", follow that up with what does he think you both can do to make it stay that way because things like tight schedules, kids, busy weekends, flip-flop sleeping patterns and doing everything at night BUT gettin' some can definitely cause you to get all out of sync, if you're not careful.
At the end of the day, a healthy relationship is about clear and consistent communication and sex is one of the most intimate — and pleasurable — forms of communication that there is. These eight questions are not about interrogating, being hypercritical or passing judgment or blame. It's about learning how to communicate better…so that you can communicate better. Now get off of here, so y'all can have a lil' chat. #wink
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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'Leave Quicker': Keri Hilson Opens Up About Learning When To Walk Away In Love
What you might call Black love goals, Keri Hilson is kindly saying, “Nah.”
In a recent appearance on Cam Newton’s Funky Friday podcast, the We Need to Talk: Love singer opened up about a past relationship that once had the public rooting for her and former NBA star Serge Ibaka. According to Cam, the pair looked “immaculate” together. Keri agreed, admitting, “We looked good.” But her demeanor made it clear that everything that looks good isn't always a good look for you.
That was all but confirmed when Cam asked what the relationship taught her. Keri sighed deeply before replying, “Whew. Leave quicker.”
It was the kind of answer that doesn’t need to be packaged to be received, just raw truth from someone who’s done the work. “Ten months in, I should have [left],” she continued. “But I was believing. I was wanting to not believe [the signs].”
Keri revealed to Cam that despite their efforts to repair the relationship at the time, including couples counseling, individual therapy, and even sitting with Serge’s pastor, it just wasn’t meant to be. A large part of that, she said, was the seven-year age gap. “He was [in his] mid-twenties,” she said, attributing a lot of their misalignment to his youth and the temptations that came with fame, money, and status.
“There were happenings,” she shared, choosing her words carefully. “He deserved to live that… I want what you want. I don’t want anything different. So if I would’ve told him how to love me better, it would’ve denied him the experience of being ‘the man’ in the world.”
But she also made it clear that just because you understand someone’s path doesn’t mean you have to ride it out with them. Instead, you can practice compassionate detachment like our girl Keri. “You can have what you want, but you may not have me and that.”
When Cam jokingly questioned what if there was a reality where a man wanted to have both “you and a dab of that,” Keri didn’t hesitate with her stance: “No,” adding, “I can remove myself and [then you] have it. Enjoy it.” Sis said what she said.
Still, she shared that they dated for a couple of years and remain cool to this day. For Keri, being on good terms with an ex isn’t a sign of weakness; it's a reflection of where she is in her healing. In a time when blocking an ex is often seen as the ultimate sign of growth, Keri offers an alternate route: one where healing looks like resolution, not resentment. “I think because I have such a disgust for ugliness in my life. Like, I don't do well without peace between me and everyone in my life. Like, I really try to resolve issues,” she explained to Cam.
Adding, “I think that's what makes things difficult when you're like sweeping things under the rug or harboring ill feelings towards someone. When you're healed, when you've done your work, you can speak to anybody when you've healed from things. I think maybe that's the bottom line.”
Watch Keri's appearance on Funky Friday in full here.
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