You Can Take Your Man's Orgasm To A Whole 'Nother Level
OK, so I'm gonna hit the ground running on today's topic by saying, any person who feels like their partner's sexual pleasure isn't a priority, I have to wonder how great of a sex life they've actually got. Because any couple who is, not only sexually happy, but extremely fulfilled, they will undoubtedly vouch for the fact that, one of the main keys to an off-the-charts sex life is when both partners get off on pleasing each other.
In a nutshell, that's why we write articles like these. It's because we truly believe that if your man is all about getting you off, while you're all about returning the favor, automatically the two of you are well on your way to experiencing some really amazing intimacy and hopefully, even a few super orgasms along the way.
Speaking of super orgasms, the more heightened you and yours are, the easier it is to achieve them. So, let's get into some "sexual stimulation hacks" that can get your man damn near climbing the walls as much as he's (hopefully) trying to get you to do the same. You ready to blow his mind tonight? Let's do this.
1. Put on a Sweet Scent
Man. It's like there is an organization for everything on the planet. Today, it's all about The Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. When it comes to what they discovered turns men on, apparently, it's scents that lean on the sweeter sides of things. Vanilla, black licorice, donuts, orange and chocolate are all smells that typically send men to new heights of sensual desire. Also, I've shared on this platform, more than once, that the combination of pumpkin and lavender can increase the blood flow to a guy's genital region by as much as 40 percent. So, while you may be out here thinking that you need to spend a mint on perfume—excuse me, parfum—to turn your man on, some sweet-smelling essential oil or even maybe putting a little bit of donut glaze on your neck (or other sexual pressure points) is really (probably) all that you'll ever need to get his sense of smell into the game.
2. Wear Red. Or Be Butt Naked.
It's no secret that men are stimulated visually; very much so. That's why, if you want to "visually edge" your partner, "dressing up the present" is a great way to do it. According to several psychological studies, a color that a vast majority of men are highly sexually stimulated by is red. It really does make sense when you think about the fact that red symbolizes things like passion, lust and love. Plus, I don't know one Black woman who is not ABSOLUTELY KILLIN' THE GAME when she's got red on (whew!).
Here's the thing, though. When I asked a few of my male friends, if they were put in the position to have to choose between lingerie and a woman being in her birthday suit, about 70 percent of them said buck naked was their preference, by far. When I asked one of them why, he candidly said, "Lingerie is a tease tactic. It's the kind of s—t that we want to see you just walking around in, just because, more than it being some kind of sign that sex is about to go down. Let us see what we could be getting while you're just chillin' with a teddy on. Then, when we get into the bedroom, just be naked. The build-up from hours before of just looking at you will already have us wanting you on a whole 'nother level." Duly noted, sir.
3. Offer More (Ashwagandha) Tea. Less Alcohol.
Something that I believe all of us should do more often is get our hormone levels checked. There is so much about our health that can sometimes feel compromised, simply because our hormones are a little "off". A good example of this is men who have a lower level of testosterone. Some signs of that include less hair (on the head and body), reduced muscle mass, mood swings, fatigue, erectile dysfunction and yep—a lower sex drive. If your partner has any of these issues, it's a good idea for him to set an appointment with his physician so that he can get tested and, perhaps, to look into hormone therapy. However, if there's nothing super drastic going on, but you'd simply like him to have a little more pep in his step in the bedroom, a good idea would be to 1) push the alcohol bottle back and 2) to serve him some ashwagandha tea.
Why? Well, as far as alcohol goes, since it's a depressant, that means it can actually tank your partner's drive (not to mention, put him in a pretty pissy mood). As far as the tea goes, I actually listed ashwagandha tea in the article, "Plantain Flour, Spirulina & Other Uncommon Foods To Add To Your Diet" a while back. It is proven to reduce depression-related symptoms, decrease fertility challenges in men and, because it significantly increases testosterone levels, it's a tea that can also elevate your partner's libido and intensify his orgasms too. Yeah, forget Patrón. Get your man some herbal tea instead. See what that thing do tho, once you do.
4. Invest in a Ball Stretcher
Speaking of natural ways to increase a man's testosterone levels, another technique is to cop a ball stretcher. What the heck is that? It's basically a metal ring that fits (comfortably) around a man's testicles. Why would a guy want one? Well, when he puts the stretcher and it gently tugs at his scrotum and stretches it out, the result is it keeps his testicles/balls from retracting whenever he climaxes; as a result, his orgasms are significantly stronger. An added bonus is, if the stretcher is put on during foreplay, it can make a man's scrotum so much more sensitive to the touch. Some women say that they enjoy ball stretchers during intercourse as well because the ring grazing their body is an additional stimulant for them too. If a ball stretcher is something that you want to add to your sex collection, you can read about how to select your very first one here.
5. Give Him a Foot Massage
Quite possibly, this might be your something new for the day. Did you know that, while all of us have literally thousands of nerve endings in our feet, men have many more of them than women do? Now here's the trick. If you offer to give your partner a foot massage and you specifically aim for his third toe and you go about one-third of the way down it, you will hit a pressure point that will encourage more blood to rush through his body, including his genitalia. When blood circulation increases, orgasms intensify.
And what if feet are sooooo not your thing? Thumbs are mad sensitive (due to all of the nerve endings in them) as well so, gently sucking on one of his (especially during sex) is a great alternative. Try it. I'd be shocked if you both didn't like it. A LOT.
6. Do Variations of the Cowgirl
While checking out an article on Women's Health Mag's site, it stated that they surveyed 800 men about what their favorite sexual position was. Can you guess what the results were? If your immediate thought is doggy style, you'd actually be correct (LOL)! Yet, what I found to be interesting, is the position that men wished women would get into more often is the cowgirl. When I asked some of my own male friends what they thought about that, they shared that the cowgirl is dope (to them) because the view is amazing, they like their partner being able to fully control her movements and, they noticed that she is able to have more multiple orgasms that way which, for them, meant they were able to get off a lot more. I don't know a lot of women who frown at riding, so…if you want to help your partner go to new heights, it's a win/win for you both if you get on top.
7. Get Out of the Bed(room)
While doggy style and the cowgirl sexual positions are fan favorites among the fellas, I conducted my own unofficial study to see what a lot of them wished would happen more often in the bedroom. You know what they said? They wanted to get out of it. When I then asked them to share some of their favorite places to have sex—the living room floor, the kitchen counter, the stairs, their deck in their backyard and in a chair, all topped their list. When I then asked them to expound on why, one answer, in particular, stayed with me. "Different places in the house makes sex more spontaneous. And, when you feel like your lady has just got to have you and she can't wait until you're in the bed, that already makes you wanna nut." Yep. That's a direct quote. (Oh, if you'd like a little more thinking-outside-of-the-box inspiration, check out Paired Life's offering, "200 Best Places Ever to Have Sex" and get inspired!)
8. Fondle His Frenulum
Be honest (with yourself). How much do you really know about the penis? If it's not much, I first recommend that you check out, "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises" because, the reality is, the more you educate yourself on something, the better you can be at "excelling" at it. Once you're a little more knowledgeable, then consider doing some frenulum fondling. The frenulum is the part of the skin that's on the underside of your partner's penis where the shaft and head of his penis connect. Because it's extremely sensitive, the frenulum can actually trigger more orgasms in a man than any other part of his penis. In walks, "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage". #wink
9. Touch the Back of His Neck During Intercourse
Not too long ago, a male friend of mine and I were discussing a tweet that said something along the lines of, you're not a real freak unless you're into choking. My male friend was baffled by that because, as a self-professed freak (what man isn't, chile?), he had never done it before and wanted to understand the allure. If you're in the same boat as he is, the technical term for it is erotic asphyxiation; its "nickname" is breath play. The theory is that, by restricting a certain amount of oxygen to the brain, it intensifies climaxes. But even if you ain't that "freaky", something that you should definitely consider is touching the back of your partner's neck; especially during intercourse. It's another part of the body that is loaded with nerve endings so, slightly grazing it while you're dirty talking in the process, can increase his arousal and deepen his penetration which means…double the pleasure for you both!
10. Edge Him…to LIFE!
In the article, "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" that I wrote for xoNecole, something that I shouted out is edging. It's the practice of getting someone right to the brink of an orgasm and then pulling back so that, eventually, the orgasm is way stronger. Oftentimes, edging is mentioned in the context of intensifying our orgasms, but best believe, it works for men too. During intercourse, wait for him to let you know when he's at his point of climax and then…pause. Change positions. Kiss more. Touch an erogenous zone or two. Then start back up all over again. If you do this three times or so, when he is finally ready to blow, it'll be so powerful that it'll probably get you off in the process too! Yeah, edging really is one of the unsung heroes of intensified orgasms. Plus, it never ever gets old. That's why I'm always on the tip of—don't edge your man "to death"…edge him to life! He'll adore you all the more if/when you do. I guarantee it!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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