If you are a diehard fan of the movieLove Jones, I'm sure you can quickly recall the scene when Darius said that when people say that the romance is dead, what they're really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities. Agreed. That's why, whenever someone tells me that their sex life has hit a wall, I basically think the same thing. If the attraction and connection are still intact (and yes, those two things are key), I firmly believe that a couple can maintain the kind of sex life that is as fresh and exciting as the first year that they started gettin' it in. The key is to make passion a priority, to state your sexual needs (and wants), and to not be afraid to try new things—not just at Christmas or for birthdays either. Do it as much as possible.
As far as trying something new goes, boy, do I have something for y'all. Well, for him. Actually, if you do it right, it will ultimately be for the both of you. It's called a lingam massage and, with the pun totally intended here, it's one of the easiest and sexiest ways to get—and keep—your man hard. And happy. And from being anything but bored in your sexual relationship.
What Exactly Is a Lingam Massage?
Ah, the lingam massage. So, let's start with what lingam even means. I wouldn't be shocked in the least if you've heard the word "yoni", at least once this week already.
You probably know that it's referring to your vagina, but did you know the origin of the word itself? It's actually a Sanskirt word, and just like vagina has its own term, so does the penis. A penis is a lingam which also means "wand of light".
In the world of tantra, a man is encouraged to see his member as a literal wand of light that is able to perform supernatural acts (sounds pretty reasonable to me). Well, when it comes to massaging a light wand, the ultimate objective is to relax, then stimulate, then encourage intense multiple orgasms from your male partner. Some sex experts refer to this as a form of foreplay while others see it as an edging technique. Either way, it's great when it comes to you becoming (even more) comfortable and familiar with your partner's lingam. It's also really effective if you want him to feel treasured, pampered, esteemed and desired. I'd venture to say that all good lovers want this for their partner, right?
First, a Refresher Course on (a Part of) a Man’s Anatomy
As far as we, the actual massagers go, performing a lingam massage can be an excellent way to refamiliarize ourselves with the lower part of a man's anatomy. Why is this necessary? In order to give the best kind of lingam massage, all parts of "the wand" need to be catered to. This includes the base of a man's penis, his shaft, the head and, if he is uncircumcised, his foreskin (which is considered to be highly-sensitive). His testicles are important too, although they tend not be the main focal point for this particular kind of massage. They have their own kind of massage. We'll get into that at another time.
The base is what's closest to a man's pubic bone and perineum (the front area of his anus which is closest to his scrotum which holds his testicles). If a man is circumcised, he will have something that is known as the corona; it's the small ridge that separates his shaft from the head of his penis (if a man is uncircumcised, this ridge will be covered up). A man's head (or glans) is the tip of his penis; it's also where his urethral opening is (where urine and also sperm come out). If you want to give your man a stellar lingam massage, all of these parts must be tended to.
How to Prep for a Lingam Massage
I think that all of us can agree that in order for mind-blowing sex to transpire, there needs to be trust between both individuals.
With that in mind, before hitting your man up with a "How 'bout a lingam massage?" text, it's important to never forget how vulnerable this type of massage can make a man feel; especially if he lets you explore his perineum. That's why it's essential to set the right kind of atmosphere on the front end.
In other words, asking him to strip in your brightly lit living room in the middle of a television show is probably not the best approach.
Instead, take him to the bedroom. Dim the lights or, even better, light some scented soy candles (some smells that are both calming as well as relaxing include lavender, bergamot, clary sage and jasmine). Put on some music that is soothing and/or sensual to him (there's nothing wrong with asking him what playlist he'd prefer). Put on something that he loves to see you in, even if that is absolutely nothing at all (the skin-to-skin approach can make things even more erotic). Make sure that he places his head on a comfortable pillow; one that you might want to sprinkle with a little lavender essential oil so that he's able to relax even more. And finally, make sure that you have some water-based lube and some warm massage oil—both are what will take a lingam massage to the very next level. If you'd prefer to make both (just so you can feel good about all of the ingredients you are using), click here for some DIY lube recipes and here, here and here for some DIY massage oil ones.
How to Perform a Lingam Massage
Now that the mood has been properly set, let's get into the steps of how to perform a successful lingam massage:
- Have your partner sit in an upright position on the side of the bed. Then kneel down in front of him.
- Pour some of the lubricant into your hand. Warm it up a bit by rubbing your hands together for about 30 seconds or so.
- Gently take hold of his penis with one hand and apply the lubricant down his shaft with the other.
- As you get closer to his actual pubic bone, make small circular motions.
As you both become more comfortable, you can:
- Use one of your hands to caress the base of his penis and you use the other to stroke his shaft, up to his head and back down to the base again.
- Massage the tip of his penis with your thumb and index finger.
- Interlock your fingers (similar to when you're about to say a prayer) and stroke his shaft up and down.
- Use your thumb and fingers to massage his frenulum which is the part of the penis that is right underneath the head.
- Throughout all of these techniques, encourage your partner to take slow and deep breaths; this will help to intensify the sensations that he feels.
- As he becomes even more comfortable and relaxed, ask if you can give him a gentle and surface perineal massage. All you need to do is use the tip of your fingers to very gently caress his perineum (make sure to keep your nails out of the way).
- Either continue the massage until he climaxes or "edge him on" (bring him to that point) and then transition into intercourse.
Do these things while sharing with your partner what you find to be special and appealing about him as a whole. As you're speaking, make sure that you not only concentrate on his shaft, but all of the parts that we discussed earlier. It will remind you that a lingam massage is not about "jacking him off"; it's about celebrating him and his penis. It's about making him feel safe, desired and honored. How could a man not have, at least a couple of orgasms, in this type of setting?
The more research that I do on lingam massages, the more I see that it truly is an act that reminds partners of how sex is not just a sexual but a spiritual act as well; that our genitalia is sacred in every way—and should be treated as such.
Hmph. Something tells me that a few fellas are gonna be some happy campers tonight. No need to thank us. When it comes to making sure your sex life stays on-point, we've got you covered, sis. Always.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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I Asked 10 Men What Turned Them On. This Is What They Said.
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More Single Men Are "Pulling Out" Than Ever. That's Why You Should Read This.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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The main thing that got me into the mindset of pampering my scalp more was that, when I got serious about growing longer hair, I realized that I couldn’t really accomplish that goal unless the foundation of my locks — my scalp — was in pristine condition. And y’all, that doesn’t “just happen” — quite a bit of effort has to go into having a clean, healthy, and thriving one.
Something that helps you to achieve that goal is learning as many facts about your scalp as you possibly can. And if it trips you out to know that your scalp ages six times faster than your face does, you are not alone, chile. I felt the same way when I first found that out.
So, now that your eyes are staring wide-eyed at your screen let’s learn more about why our scalp has a tendency to age in the way that it does, along with some hacks for how to slow down the aging process…for our overall hair and hair goal’s sake.
What Causes Your Scalp to Age? What Speeds Up the Process?
GiphyOkay, so when you get a sec, check out Verywell Mind’s article, “Your Body Gets Much Older at These Two Ages, Study Shows.” If you’re at work and skimming this, I’ll give you the ages off the rip: 44 and 60. I’m not anywhere close to 60; however, I am definitely past 44, and so, when I read this, I thought about if I recalled experiencing noticeable changes back then, as far as my scalp was concerned.
Honestly, it’s been over the past two years or so that it seems to be drier than usual, which has resulted in me having to purify it more (there are serums out here for that; scalp exfoliation can help with this, too) so that it doesn’t get so irritated. And yep, both of these are indications of a scalp that is sho ‘nuf aging.
See, because a lot of us tend to not provide our scalp with the consistent TLC that it needs, the neglect, along with the drop in collagen production and natural sebum that comes from our scalp and hair follicles — these are the things that play a direct role in our scalp becoming dehydrated at a faster pace than usual.
Not to mention the fact that if we’re still using chemicals on our hair, applying plenty of heat, and already dealing with other scalp-related issues like dry scalp, dandruff, or eczema — well, there you go: the perfect scalp aging storm.
If anything, keeping all of this in mind can actually serve as a PSA to ease up on some of your styling techniques, use a moisturizing shampoo, and apply a leave-in conditioner to slow down the aging process. Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. I’ll circle back to this part, in more detail, towards the end of this.
How an Aging Scalp Affects Your Hair
GiphyEven though I’m sure you get that your scalp is indeed the foundation of your hair, I do wonder if more of us took the time to really let that sink in, would we actually be better about taking good care of our scalp? For instance, did you realize that when your scalp is dryer or older, both your scalp and hair end up experiencing oxidative stress (which can cause your hair to gray faster), weaker hair follicles (which can lead to excessive hair shedding and hair loss) along with dull, thin and frizzy hair too?
So yes, you definitely should care about what state your scalp is in and do what you can to keep it from aging — especially prematurely aging — as much as possible.
5 Tips to Keep Some Youth in Your Scalp for Years to Come
GiphyNow that you know why an aging scalp is such a big deal if you’re ready to create the kind of scalp regimen that can help you to maintain a younger one for a longer period of time, here are some easy and practical things that you can do.
1. Take a multivitamin.
Since vitamin deficiencies are pretty prevalent in this country, it can never hurt to take a multivitamin as a nutrient supplement, especially since vitamin A helps your scalp to produce sebum, vitamin C helps your scalp to produce collagen, and zinc helps to strengthen your hair follicles. By taking a multivitamin, you can get all of these nutrients into your system with the help of one capsule or pill.
2. Use gentle products (most of the time).
A misconception that is easy to have is that if you use hair products a lot, you always need to use a hair-clarifying shampoo — you know, one that contains sulfates. The problem with that is sulfates are basically like a detergent for your hair. This means that, over time, they can strip moisture from your scalp, which can lead to dry scalp and brittle hair as well.
To prevent this from happening, it’s best to use a mild shampoo and a clarifying one no more than once every third wash day (at the most if you shampoo and condition your hair every 2-3 weeks) and definitely not on the days when you are planning to do a protein treatment (because those can dry out your hair too). The rest of the time, a milder shampoo that also contains softening ingredients like keratin, shea butter, amino acids, panthenol, and/or glycerin is going to be a much better bet.
3. Massage your scalp on a weekly basis.
Wanna decrease your stress (including oxidative stress) levels? Massage your scalp. Increase blood circulation to your hair follicles? Massage your scalp. Thicken your hair over time? Massage your scalp. Distribute sebum more evenly throughout your scalp? Massage your scalp.
When you add to this the fact that a scalp massage — even a quick DIY one — can also relieve tension headaches and migraines, whether it’s with your fingertips or an actual scalp massager, you’ll be doing your scalp (and body) good to devote 10-15 minutes, 2-3 times a week, to rubbing on your head a bit (tips for how to give yourself a proper scalp massage are here).
4. Apply peppermint or tea tree oil.
Speaking of scalp massages, if you want to keep bacteria off of your scalp so that it remains cleaner and healthier in between wash days, apply a few drops of peppermint or tea tree essential oil to a carrier oil like grapeseed or virgin olive oil to your massaging process.
If you warm up the oil blend first, it will provide an amazingly soothing effect, increase circulation even faster, and also promote healthy hair growth (peppermint oil) and/or prevent dandruff and psoriasis to your scalp (tea tree oil).
5. Try a scalp facial.
Imagine if you really did treat your scalp like you did the rest of your skin. If you did that, you would probablygive your scalp a facial from time to time. What exactly does that consist of? First, you would need to deep-cleanse your scalp (like with a clarifying shampoo). Then, you would need to (gently) exfoliate your scalp to remove any dead skin cells.
Next, you would need to apply the kind of serum that would provide it with lots of hydration to your scalp (there are some exampleshere). Finally, you would need tonourish your scalp with an oil like jojoba, rosemary, avocado, sweet almond, or lavender oil. Then, you’re done.
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There is nothing wrong with aging. Aging is a blessing. However, since our scalp ages so much faster than the rest of our skin, why not do your part to slow down the process — so that it can “age gracefully” and your hair can flourish in the process? Follow these tips, and you’ll be on your way to making that happen. I can almost guarantee it, sis.
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