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The Truth About How Men Handle Heartbreak
Maybe you're tired of wrestling with anxiety every time your man takes two hours to answer your texts or perhaps you don't trust the week-long disappearing act he pulls every time you have an argument. Or maybe it was something that had a little more bite to it, like that text he accidentally sent you about how he can't wait to tear your behind up again like the night before…even though last night you were working a double.
Either way, it's OVER, and while you're sitting around in your roller set re-enacting Ciara's “I Bet You" dance moves in the mirror while trying not to spill the Pinot you've been sipping, you can only imagine that homeboy is pulling a Meek Mill with his newfound freedom.
With every minute that “Heyy…" text doesn't come through your imagination starts running wild about how dude is really handling the healing process. Is he at the nearest “Shaky Butts" making it rain on a pair of twins “surfboardting" on the pole? Maybe he's in bed with his shady behind co-worker that never liked you while you're crying your heart out over an online shopping cart of Michael Kors' slides. Or just maybe he's fighting back the tears right along with you attempting an off-key version of Boyz II Men's “Doin' Just Fine" with the help of some brown liquor.
When it comes to breaking up, the media is filled with clichéd images of women sobbing over a pint of Rocky Road for weeks before cutting their hair off and doing something dramatic like moving to Tuscany to start a new life. Men, however, can't seem to get over their ex's fast enough before getting on top of someone else. But do men truly handle heartbreak better than women, or does it only appear that way?
A recent study may prove that although it appears men aren't fazed by break ups, the truth is they just handle them differently. Last summer, Binghamton University and University College London teamed up for a study about how men and women compare when it comes to breaking up. Researchers surveyed 5,707 men and women, with an average age of just under 27-years-old, from 96 different countries and discovered that while women experience more emotional extremes in the aftermath, men take longer to recover. So although ex-bae isn't crying into the cookie dough, you can rest assured that somewhere down the line, he's still probably being haunted by the ghosts of girlfriends past. Don't bust out with the “Why you so obsessed with me" just yet, because that may not be a good thing, especially for the next girl.
Researchers determined that instead of processing their feelings and reflecting on the part they played in the relationship's demise, men simply just move on to the next partner. Meaning that if you broke up on Thursday, and he's already dating Crystal by Tuesday, although the rest of his anatomy is probably in it, his heart and head aren't. The study looked at this behavior from an evolutionary perspective and determined that men are more likely to date on the rebound because historically they are used to competing for the attention of women, and it may take them longer to realize what they've lost. Women, however, tend to be choosier about the relationships they enter into in the first place. When it's over they may take the break up harder since they didn't approach it as casually in the first place.
Another surprising find from the study: Women tend to be the dumper more often than the dumpee. This is important because the one who has already given up in his/her head can already begin moving on before the break-up is common knowledge. The Binghamton study revealed that the “dumpee" experiences more relationship grief since they are forced to move on abruptly. In theory, since men have had more practice at getting over it, they are able to do so more quickly.
The way we problem-solve has a lot to do with how we handle the break-up as well:
“The woman often looks at a breakup as a problem to be solved, whereas the logic-oriented man looks at the same breakup as a problem that has already been solved."“For men, the breakup is the end. For women, the breakup is the beginning of a larger psychological dilemma."
It might shed some light on why after a break-up, many women find themselves initiating a new project to conquer: Going to school, starting a business, checking that “trip to Spain" off your bucket list. We need to prove that we can be successful and solve a problem. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as the goal is to improve yourself and not to try and fix the problems of previous relationships vicariously through new projects…and people. Maybe we need to take note from the guys and stop looking at a break-ups as “another relationship I just f--ked up" and more like “that problem I just solved."
In other words, ladies, keep up the good work with the vision boards, inspirational quotes and sun salutations. Reflecting on what you want in a relationship and focusing on ways to improve will only make you a better mate for the next man, instead of wandering around aimlessly cuffing up anything like our male counterparts.
Next time you find yourself playing the woulda, coulda, shoulda game with how you could've made things work, take the end of the relationship for exactly what it is: the end of waiting for hours for him to text back, the end of wondering what he's been doing for a week before popping back into your life and the end of a situation that one or more of you is unhappy in.
Meanwhile, I asked a few real life guys to honestly reveal how they've handled heartache in the past. (We will call them Brian, Darrell, and Michael). Take a look at how they handled being told, “to the left, to the left."
How long has it been since your last break up?
Michael: 6 maybe 7 years.
Darrell: October. 2 years ago, maybe a little more.
Brian: 4 years.
Were you the dumper or the dumpee? How did things end (through text, an argument, caught cheating etc.)?
Michael: Dumpee. She moved on to someone else.
Darrell: Dumper. Honestly we discussed how we felt, and where we both were concerning each other at that time, at which point I suggested separation.
Brian: Dumper. I was immature and wasn't ready to live with someone. We ended up arguing over whether to get a dog or not and I felt disrespected because she was determined to do what she wanted and get the damn Yorkie.
What did you do immediately following the break-up? How long did it take you to get over the relationship (or did you ever get over it)?
Michael: Hung out with a close cousin. About a year, but never fully got over it just accepted it for what it was.
Darrell: Pursued friendships I'd developed outside my relationship to see what could happen.
Brian: I moved out the next day. In fact I moved a couple of hours away. When I think of it, the argument was probably about way more than the dog.
Did you do anything in particular to get over it or "heal" (Date someone else, have sex, drink, go to strip club, focus on work/school)? What do you feel was most effective in helping you heal?
Michael: I dated and had sex with a few women but it just didn't feel the same, I guess cause my heart couldn't get there so I focused on work. Work helped a lot cause when I went out with women I would always think of her. So being at work allowed me to bury thoughts of her.
Darrell: After realizing that a close friendship I'd developed wouldn't be able to become anything more, I started looking at the random girls I was dating; their goals, their situations (kids, ex's), what they had going for them (car, living situation, education). I started questioning what the hell was I doing, and what had I done to my relationship to be out here dating from scratch, women that in some cases were starting from scratch (still living with parents, no mode of transportation, not in school).
Brian: S—t, I did all of the above and I feel like they all helped me get through it. Having sex with other women definitely was the only time I completely stopped thinking of her.
How long after the break-up did you have sex again (whether it was with that person or someone else)?
Michael: About 6 months.
Darrell: Couple of weeks.
Brian: A few days later.
How long after the break-up did you enter into a new relationship?
Michael: Never, since I take a long time to open up no one would stay around long enough to see where it goes.
Darrell: About 6/7 months later. Around March/April I got back with the ex.
Brian: A few weeks later. I don't like to be alone. Who honestly wants to be alone? No man really is that hype about being single. If he says he is, he's lying.
Do you think the break-up was your fault, your partner's or no one's fault? If someone was at fault, how so?
Michael: Partially yes, she gave hints of how to keep her, but I was too dumb to realize it. Instead of listening I would rebel, try to out-do others and be disrespectful to her, which turned into arguments that in the end pushed her away into the arms of another man. I thought I needed to be something I wasn't when all I really needed to do was just be me and better myself, which in the end is what she liked about me most. It was how I got her in the first place.
Darrell: Definitely my fault. I was unhappy and I suspected she was, too. All I did was verbalize the inevitable.
Brian: It was both of ours. I was rushing to get over the relationship I had before her. She was rushing to make the relationship more than it was too soon.
Are you still friends/still keep in contact with this person?
Michael: Yes and yes.
Darrell: Yes, we're still together to this day.
Brian: I married her.
Featured image via Tenor
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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