
If you've read, oh, I'd say seven or so articles that I've written on this site about marriage, I'm pretty sure you know that I am a marriage life coach. You might've also caught that my specialty is reconciling divorces. There are many reasons why. From a biblical standard, divorce isn't really something that God rallies behind (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11). Another reason why is, while I've never been married before (which also means that I've never been divorced either), I am a child of divorce, twice, and believe you me, children feel the effects of a broken home—no matter how much parents may want to tell themselves otherwise. Then there's the fact that marriage isn't some upgraded boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that so many people seem to act like it is. Vows were taken. Promises were made. And, if we're gonna be real about it, contracts were signed.
When you choose to get a marriage license, you've decided to make your relationship a legally binding union. In short, marriage is sacred. It's super serious too.
For those of you who are reading this who may already be divorced, this isn't to make you feel bad because, Lord, if there's something else that marriage tends to be, it's complicated. However, since I know that a lot of people are quick to jump the gun and call things "quits", only to later on regret their decision (check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce"), if you're someone who is really struggling in your marriage right now and the d-word has come up, more than a couple of times, I thought it would be a good idea to put on record that there is some space between being married and getting a divorce. It's called getting separated. And you know what? If you approach it from a proactive space, believe it or not, it could actually help your relationship in the long run. Here's how.
See Separating As a Way to Help Your Marriage. Not As a Vacation from It.
It's interesting because, whenever I write articles like "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?" and "So, What If You're Not Attracted To Your Husband Anymore?", there are a ton of people who read those. Off top, that lets me know that many people are really being tested in their marriage, even as we speak. That said, some of y'all might've seen the Black indie movie Secrets before. The married couple in the film got married young, the husband cheated, the wife was stressful and they ended up separating—for them, that season included seeing other people.
Yeah, that's not healthy. For one thing, separated or not, you are still married. Secondly, if anything looks like a rebound relationship, it's a married person who is seeing someone else while their marriage is in trouble. And third, separation should never translate into, "Goodie. Now I get to be out here, doing whatever I want." No, separating should be about giving you and your partner time and space to ponder what's going on in your relationship, how things went off of the rails and what you need in order to bring things back together. Sometimes it's hard to do that when you're constantly sharing the same space and getting on each other's last nerve. Yet when you separate with the mutual understanding that you're taking the time apart to see how to make your marriage better, that could actually be a good thing. Which brings me to the next point.
Be Open to Therapy (Separately and Together)
If you're single, reading this and you already know that you are a prideful person who is never willing to admit that you are just as human as anyone else which means that you've got flaws and can stand to grow, you DO NOT need to get married. After working well over a decade with couples, if there's one thing that I think a lot of them didn't go into their marriage prepared for, it was their spouse being able to hold up a huge symbolic mirror—one that reveals just how much they could stand to evolve and mature as an individual. In fact, let me tell it, that's why a lot of people end their marriage; when it gets too hard for them to have to see themselves, they move on in hopes of finding another person who will not challenge them to become a better person, quite like their former spouse did (layers, chile).
Here's the thing about that, though. Ever heard the saying, "Everywhere you go, there you are"? I believe that's why, the more times that people get married, the higher their chance for getting a divorce is (it's 60 percent for second marriages and a whopping 73 percent for third ones). And that's why I think it's oh so very important to use a time of separation to really focus on yourself. What could you have done better or differently? What was your understanding of marriage vs. what you are currently living out? What could you do to improve things?
In order to really get honest with yourself about stuff like this, more times than not, it's best to go to therapy (or a counselor or relationship life coach) alone at first—just so that you can really "get back to you". Then, after a couple of months, consider going to couple's therapy as well. I'm telling y'all, it really is tragic, just how many marriages could've been saved if this step had not been overlooked. Listen, I'm not guaranteeing that therapy will prevent a divorce; what I am saying is that it absolutely cannot hurt it. Or you. Ever.
Get Back to Your Friendship
All of the couples that I work with know that one of my most popular mottos is, "If you're still 'in like' with one another, I am confident that you can get back to being 'in love' again." The reason why I say this is because every marriage has seasons (both in and outside of the bedroom)—you know, times when a husband and wife can't get enough of each other and then other times when they close to can't stand each other. The ones who survive those moments tend to have two things in common—a relationship with God and a strong friendship.
I say it often because it's the truth. It really is crazy how much people are willing to endure in a friendship that they would've never consider in a marriage. Yet it's hard to remain committed to someone who you don't see as a true friend, isn't it? In the articles, "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend", I outline some signs of what it means to have a healthy friendship. See how those traits line up with the relationship you have with your spouse. Sometimes, focusing on finances, kids and daily stressors causes us to forget foundational truths; ones like, if you are friends with your partner, you really can get through, just about anything. Matter of fact, if there's one thing that a lot of divorced people have told me was the last straw in their marriage, it was that they didn't feel like they were friends with their spouse anymore. Being friends with your spouse is a superpower that doesn't get nearly enough credit.
Understand That Divorce Isn’t Necessarily a “Solution” to Anything
I've had my fair share of boyfriends in my day. I have vowed to myself to never have one again, though (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). A big part of the reason why is because, it has been both my experience as well as my personal observation that, getting into these kinds of relationships where you act like you're married when you absolutely aren't does nothing more than prepare you for divorce. Think about it. If you've profoundly loved five men before, you put your entire mind, body and soul into all five and then broke up—what's to make you not see divorce as being that big of a deal if you are the same way with your husband? That point is for the single people.
For married folks, breaking a contract rarely makes life any better, no matter what the contract may be. Oftentimes, it simply makes life way more complicated and difficult. While I get that in some extreme cases, there may seem like there's no other option, really think long and hard about ending your marriage simply because "I don't feel the same anymore". Divorce affects credit. Divorce affects how your children see relationships (present and future) and, in some ways, the world, in general. Divorce affects things like mental health too.
Bottom line, seeing divorce as a solution to your marital problems can be quite the gamble. Don't approach it like you did your break-ups. Divorce is far more consequential than that.
Know What You REQUIRE for Reconciliation
Depending on the state that you live in, before getting a divorce, you may have to separate regardless. Y'all that "rule" doesn't exist just so that you can kick it in these streets. The intent is that the time apart will give you both some space to process, heal and hopefully reconcile. That said, while I try and do all that I can to prevent couples from divorcing, one thing that I do tend to be a semi-fan of is separation—meaning, I'm in support of it when things seem so stressful or counterproductive that trying to work together to save the relationship isn't really benefitting anyone.
Still, separating doesn't make you single. AGAIN, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. The time apart shouldn't be about "doing your own thing" or finding someone new. It really needs to be about figuring out what went wrong, how to set things right, and what you would require in order for that to happen.
You know, I once read that 50 percent of couples that separate end up getting back together. It doesn't just up and happen, though. Real self-work is required. In other words, while separating may be about getting some space in your marriage, it's not to be treated like some sort of single's vacation. It really needs to be about making sure you both have done all that you can to make your relationship work. It needs to be about figuring out what you're willing to do and also what you would require in order to reconcile. Reconcile is a pretty dope word too. It means "to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent".
Be Realistic
I really do hate what Disney and rom-coms have done to people. So many folks are out here thinking that if marriage doesn't look like some filtered fairy tale then it must be an absolute nightmare. Marriage is about having someone in your life who will hold you down, no matter what. Marriage is about figuring out what you and your partner's strengths and weaknesses are, so that you can come together as a unit and make each other better. Marriage is a covenant relationship too and covenants are about agreeing to come together, mind, body, and soul, to build a life together—until death parts you. Making this kind of decision is definitely not easy (not by a long shot). But if you're willing to stick it out, it really can be super rewarding.
It's all about approaching marriage from a realistic point of view. It's about accepting that you've got baggage and your spouse has baggage. You've got issues and your spouse has issues. You're not perfect and your spouse isn't either. And sometimes, the weight of all of that requires taking some time apart, just to catch your breath. Yet if during that time, you're being real and honest about what you need, you're willing to forgive your spouse (as well as yourself) for things that cannot be changed, you are open to getting back to the foundation of the relationship (friendship) and doing things that made you fall for one another in the first place (like casual dates)—you could come back together in a more realistic space and being realistic about life—including marriage—is always beneficial.
We live in a world where folks are quick to quit—this includes quit on each other. Please try and see separation as an option before divorce, OK? I've worked with many couples where, approaching it from the space that I just shared, it actually saved their marriage. Took it to another level too. And I want the same for you. Divorce is a lot. Try separating first. Chances are, you absolutely won't regret it. I mean that.
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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