

Are You His Partner Or His Second Mama?
So, here's my two cents, right out the gate. Unless you're someone who can't even remotely relate to the second title in this article (you know, second mama), you might want to skim this for now and dig deeper into it when it's not gonna have you so on-10 that you won't be able to concentrate on all of the other reasons why you're online right now. I say that because I'm gonna be honest with you. This isn't an easy read. It's not a coddling one. And, for some people, it's gonna be hella uncomfortable. That's the bad news. The good news is, if once you do get to the end of this piece, you find that you can actually relate (perhaps more than you ever wanted to), it can be the first step toward doing some serious switching up—for the sake of your husband's peace of mind and the health and well-being of your marriage. Because here's another truth—while the world does have its fair share of mama's boys (which we'll have to get into at another time), it also has quite a few wives who think their role is to be their husband's other mother too. And both sides of that fence ain't good. Not by a long shot.
And just how can you know if you qualify as being a second mama? Brace yourself, now.
Somehow, You Can’t Tell the Difference Between “Parent” and “Partner”
Recently, I was having a conversation with some 20-somethings about how they are ready to dismantle patriarchy. My response was, "Are you sure? That means you don't want a man to provide for the home. You don't want him to propose to you. Chivalry is pretty much out the door as well. All of those things are birthed out of patriarchy." One of them said something that was so…expected. "Those things are masculinity, not patriarchy." Yeah, no sale, sis. Patriarchy means "male head" and the things that I defined are male leadership initiative roles. If you're a Bible follower, I Corinthians 11:1-6 is pretty clear on how patriarchy and matriarchy are absolutely supposed to work together. This is why I'm not a feminist; I am a complementarian. Patriarchy isn't a bad word. The abuse of patriarchy is where problems arise. So, where am I going when it comes to this particular point?
Just like, when ego and a misunderstanding of what true manhood is can lead to the misuse of patriarchy, when wives don't keep balance in mind as well, oftentimes they can abuse their own role in their relationship too.
An example would be bragging about how you've got to "train" or "raise" your husband like he's a child or pet. Matter of fact, I tend to be pretty floored with the degrading things that I've heard some women so casually say; things that, if a man said the same things about them, all hell would break loose (imagine a man saying that he had to train or raise you). Yet, some of the bossiest wives that I know—and I know a few—have absolutely no problem feeling and conveying that they are to take over where their husband's mama left off.
The reality is, that's not what marriage is about at all. To parent is to rear children. A life partner is someone who shares life with you.
If you don't get the difference between the two, after reading my second point, get into some marriage counseling, just as soon as you possibly can. No marriage should consist of either spouse treating their partner like a child. If you feel justified in doing so, something is off and wrong—very much so.
You Think Your Job Is to “Raise” Your Husband Rather than HELP Him
I recently watched a movie entitled,Perfectly Single (Omar Gooding, DomiNque Perry, Erica Hubbard, Joe Torry, Torrei Hart). While Torrei's body was killin' in the film (whew!), as a marriage life coach, her character irked me, in all kinds of ways. Aside from the fact that she was cheating on her husband (yes, some Black women DO cheat), she treated him like she was his warden. There was a scene where, he wanted to go play ball with a friend that she didn't like. When the friend came to the house, she told him that her man couldn't come "out to play". Then she told her husband not to hang out with the guy because he was single. Shoot, it was a movie and I wasn't in it and still, I was slightly triggered. Why? Because I have clients who are just like this.
If you've read my stuff, for even a couple of months, you know that I rock with Scripture pretty hard. The first introduction to a woman in the Bible is Genesis 2:18. The word that was used is "helper". A helper is someone who "gives assistance, support, etc."
When it comes to actually helping someone out—and please hear me when I say this—you don't get to decide if you're doing so alone. The individual on the receiving end also needs to feel like you are assisting and supporting.
I can't tell you how many husbands have come to me, at their complete and total wit's end because, while their wife fully believes that her methods are helpful, they are so pushy, condescending and suffocating, that they are doing any and everything but helping their husbands out. So, let me say this if you are engaged or are contemplating it. A part of the reason why it's so dangerous to go into a marriage thinking that your partner will change after you say "I do" is it can cause you to also assume that it's your job to do the changing. IT ISN'T (check out "The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You").
It's two grown folks who need to get married and adults don't need to be raised. And as a wife, while your husband should be providing for and protecting you (which goes well beyond finances), you should be supporting him.
If you read all of this and are thinking to yourself, "Girl, 'raise'…'support'…what's the difference?", ask your husband what the difference is. If you're actually not helping him as much as you think that you are, trust me, he'll be more than happy to tell you that.
Nagging Is the Language You Are Most Fluent In
One more Scripture, OK? And yes, if you're thin-skinned, brace yourself. Proverbs 21:9(AMPC) tells us, "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman." While that verse may be a bit of an "ouch", when you really stop and let it sink in, it should only be offensive to the women it applies to. Think about it. If your husband was constantly nagging, picking fights and pointing out your flaws, wouldn't you prefer to be any and everywhere but around him?
Besides, I don't get why people feel like nagging is effective anyway. Even if you keep repeating yourself about something until you get your way, what did you really win—other than your own way? The person you nagged is gonna be sick and tired of you, they won't be giving you, whatever it is, in the right spirit and nagging is just an immature form of trying to control someone. "But Shellie, my husband won't listen any other way." If that's your immediate thought, again, get into some therapy.
Conceding is not the same thing as connecting. If nagging is your go-to way to get things done in your home, another form of communication needs to be taught. For the sake of your marriage.
Trust me.
Your Sex Life Is Suffering. Severely So.
I once worked with some clients where the wife had a major gripe. She had a high sex drive and, for the first couple of years of her marriage, so did her husband. About three years in, though, he would decline her desires to get it in. Initially, she thought it was because he was cheating. He said that he had no interest in doing that. What hadn't crossed her mind is what I think is another valid point.
If you don't remember anything else from this article, please remember that no man wants to have sex with his mama. That's not just literally (eww). I also mean that if you are acting like you're his second mother, unless he's a mama's boy (which again, is another article for another time), he's going to find you to be totally off-putting. Plus, the thought of having sex with you to be kinda creepy.
Once this point was brought up to the wife (and the husband co-signed), while she did admit that she had the tendency to be pretty overbearing, she didn't get why her husband didn't want to have sex if he was still attracted to her (which he was). I gave her the comparison of how a lot of new mothers feel about their breasts while they are breastfeeding. What their husband enjoys sexually, they are now using to feed their little one. Mentally switching gears can be complicated, to say the least. Same thing for a man who is around a woman who thinks she's another mother all of the time. If she's acting like that, he's going to lean towards treating her that way (and more like a rebellious teen than a compliant child, for obvious reasons, by the way). And that is going to make having sex with her a total turn-off—no matter how physically attracted to her he may be.
I can't say it enough—no man wants to sleep with his mama. If you're tempted to act like you are his mother, but at the same time, you enjoy your sex life, take that as a word of caution. Some marriages have become sexless, for no other reason than this very point.
He Has NO PEACE in Your Presence
I believe I've shared before that a husband I know once said to me, "Shellie, make sure that you provide peace in your home. Men prefer 'ugly peace' to 'pretty loud' any day." No, he wasn't calling me unattractive; I'm merely providing the bottom line of a very long conversation about what a lot of men desire and seemingly don't get in their intimate relationship—SOME FREAKIN' PEACE. While it's easy to only think of peace in the context of stillness or quiet, I feel that it's always important to look at it from the definition of shalom (the Hebrew word for peace), simply because the definitions are so vast. It literally means all of the following words—completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord.
When a woman is in "mama mode", while a good one definitely strives for moments of peace, the greater goal is training and providing healthy discipline to their child, so that they can grow up to be responsible and accountable. But a wife? Her ambition should be to be at peace with herself, for her marriage to be at peace and for her husband to feel at peace with her and their union. Wholeness, tranquility, prosperity, rest and harmony are what she strives for, as he does the same.
If you and your husband can't say that this is what's happening in your household, revisiting if a part of the reason is because you're more of a "mama" than a "wife" is certainly well worth your time.
You Immediately Got Triggered When You Saw the Title of This Article
You know what they say. Hit dog will holler. Every single time. And while I know that some of you clicked onto this because you were curious, I also will bet my next paycheck from xoNecole that some of y'all got triggered, from the very moment you read the title. You were ready to justify why you do some of the things mentioned here and you're probably a little more than irritated that there was little room given for why "mothering your man" is an OK thing to do. That's because it's not. Again, if you're with someone who acts immature (whether emotionally or otherwise), who you don't feel is a true partner and/or who is mad irresponsible, no one is saying that you should just grin and bear it. What I am saying is treating a man like he's your son isn't the answer. Get into some therapy, for real, for real. Set some boundaries. But don't take on the role of someone who has already filled the position—his actual mother.
It can't be said enough that, in healthy relationships, two people partner up not parent one another.
If you're not entirely sure which role you're playing in your relationship, ask your husband and be open to hearing the answer. The sooner any woman is less of their man's (second) mama, the quicker she can be what he so desperately needs—a partner, a support system…a wife.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
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At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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