Awarding Purity & Preserving Patriarchy: Why I Don't Agree With Scholarships For Virgins
If you thought we were moving away from the topic of purity and premarital sex, guess again.
Brelyn Bowman’s Certificate of Purity set off a national conversation about publicizing and celebrating the status of your hymen last year and months later, the world is revisiting the subject with news of what South Africa is doing for their students.
The mayor in Uthukela, South Africa is awarding young women enrolled in schools with scholarships, not for excelling academically, but for remaining virgins during their time in school. Yep, there are scholarships for virgins. While the road and process to being granted a scholarship is competitive in most countries, students with exceptional academics are awarded grants to further support their education. But is it right to encourage higher education to women by solely making virginity the qualifier for the grant?
According to Mayor Dudu Mazibuko, awarding the college scholarships to female virgins helps students focus on school, while remaining pure–sort of like a rare two-for-one deal in the country. The mayor is said to award 100 scholarships annually to high school and college students in the area due entirety to recent, alarming statistics on pregnancy in the country. TheAssociated Pressreports that SA’s Department of Basic Education “recorded 20,000 pregnancies among girls and young women in schools in 2014, with 223 pregnant girls still in primary (elementary) school.” The recipients voluntarily keep their virginities and consent to regular checks to keep their annual funding.
“Those children who have been award busaries will be checked whenever they come back for holidays. The bursary will be taken away if they lose their virginity,” said spokesman Jabulani Mkhonza.
If you think South Africa is trippin’, it should be noted that virginity testing isn’t something new that spawned from Bowman’s controversy.
Those who advocate for the testing in the country–particularly those of the Zulu tribe, where it’s simply a part of their culture–believe it “promotes abstinence and therefore, reduces the risk of contracting HIV/AIDS or getting pregnant.” In what seems like a public spectacle, the young woman is to have her genitals checked to ensure virginal status. If your hymen isn’t intact, repercussions include isolation from family and the community, financial penalties, and the likelihood that marriage won’t happen for you. Remaining pure is revered and deputy president, Jacob Zuma, believes that more young women should take part in the testing, as a girl’s virginity is her family’s greatest treasure. But why not boys?
Although boys do undergo testing, affirming his virginity is dubious and it doesn’t occur as often as it does for young women, with many believing the testing of young men are to merely create an illusion of equality between the sexes. There is an intense emphasis placed on the woman to keep her legs closed so that she doesn’t contribute to the growing rate of unwed pregnancies, and to keep herself for her future husband so that there will be a higher bride price when she gets married, but it takes two to tango, am I right? Women of all ages are subjected to examinations or revert to presenting certificates from medical doctors, jumping through hoops and over hurdles to prove an intact hymen, while it boils down to accepting words for what it is from men.
It seems no matter where you live, the policing of women’s bodies is normative, sexist behavior, rooted and preserved in patriarchy. While I understand these examinations are cultural in South Africa and presenting purity certificates stem from religious backgrounds, I do believe it is a direct violation of our human rights. It is in these epidemic testings that women are stamped with labels, dividing the pure and holy from the ungodly and rebellious, and indicating the notion that young women are responsible for sexual activity alone.
While Mazibuko just wants to “say thank you for keeping yourself,” it is my belief that by defending the testing, the mayor isn’t aware of how many women seeking higher education are victims of sexual assault and incest. It’s unfortunate that those women, many of whom cannot afford tuition, won’t be afforded the opportunity because of their bodies. If they want to make a change and combat HIV/AIDS, why not offer sex education curriculums in places other than secondary school? It is unfortunate that girls as young as eight and nine are victims to sexual abuse at home or at school and become children raising children.
But not everyone feels like the scholarships are a violation of their human rights, especially after tuition hikes last year. It has helped one second-year pharmacy student enrolled at Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University who takes pride in being a virgin at her age. She spoke with All Africa about her experience and why she chooses to abstain from sex.
“The day I went there, they were awarding bursaries. The next day I received a phone call to bring my results and they told me to come to the municipality. I was surprised when I got a call from the municipality saying that they would pay for my school fees. They asked me if I was a virgin and if I tested regularly and I said yes. I am proud to be a virgin, I did not know it could open so many doors for me. I did not know I could get something out of it...I do get tempted to have sex, but I have seen things happening in this world and I don't trust men.My father has two wives and he is already struggling to cope. There are three of us at home. This motivates me to do well and give back at home. When I finish my studies I am going to give back by helping other pupils in my hometown.”
Where do you stand on the topic? Should you be awarded for your virginity or should your academic background do all the talking when it comes to scholarships?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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