It's that familiar time of the year again where women everywhere are overdosing on anything pumpkin spice, pulling out the riding boots and infinity scarves, and wondering who they are going to spend their crisp, cool nights laid up under while watching the new season of How to Get Away With Murder.
You guessed it: it's cuffing season.
For some, cuffing season brings the comfort that their mate will be trading time-lapsed texts and weekend disappearing acts for “good morning" texts and #WCE dedications. For others, cuffing season will serve as a reminder that their side-chick status is in full effect since their baes for the summer will be off fulfilling hayride, apple picking, and holiday party duties with wifey.
Cuffing season doesn't always have to be a bad thing. In fact, it's what some couples need to make them realize that they want to settle down with the same person they spent the whole summer turning up with. Unfortunately for some, cuffing season is only about the convenience of having more than a cup of warm cocoa to go home to when it's cold out.
Can't quite tell if he's there to stay or there for a lay? Here are a few signs that he's only hibernating with you for the winter to keep warm and will be soon be springing forward to the first girl who breaks out the booty shorts:
1) He's living out of his gym bag.
Although you routinely do his laundry and have given up your pretty panties drawer for him, he still continues to get dressed each day out of his Nike duffel. It's a clear sign that when the weather hits 75 again or you bring up the “What Are We?" talk he will grab his stuff and sprint for the door without worrying about you bleaching his clothes or taking his phone and locking yourself in the bathroom.
2) He's on his best behavior as soon as Daylight Savings goes down.
That same guy who told you he had to “cop that foreign" during his spring break trip to Punta Cana is coincidentally in your inbox talking about he “fumbled your heart" now that the clocks are turning back. If you can schedule his disrespect on a Google calendar, he might only be into cuffing season for the warm, fuzzy feelings it brings, and not because he actually is into you.
3) The deepest discussions you have are about Drake lyrics or how he swears he can feel your IUD.
Does he know about your gluten-allergy? Your Rihanna standom? Your zodiac sign? Anything besides the fact that it drives you crazy when he flexes his pecs? When Netflix is stale and the weather breaks, you're going need more than that yoga pose you can hit in bed to keep homeboy interested, and you might want to see if he's actually worth your attention. The last thing you want is to spend an entire season laid up with someone who thinks Barack Obama is a first-round NBA draft pick.
4) Your BFF's ex-boyfriend's barber that you hooked up with twice early last year? He just liked 74 of your 120 Instagram pics.
Every time my Instagram notifications lists 20 likes from the dude who didn't want to kick it with me in high school but is suddenly making heart-eye emojis at on my summer vacay pics, a little piece of me loses faith in mankind, especially when all his status updates are about kicking his baby mama to the curb. I'm good; no need to be hype on my social profiles because you need a cuddle buddy.
5) He had a lot of time to think about how you both can make this work…while waiting for the bus.
It saddens me that there are men out here who are only wifing up chicks to escape The Polar Vortex, but it happens. People fall on hard times and that's OK, but if he was perfectly fine pimpin' on public transportation when the weather was warm, he shouldn't be using you as his very own Uber when the forecast calls for snow.
A good example of this is singer The Weekend. In his recent New York Times profile, he admitted that when he was broke and needed a place to stay, he would tell a girl he loved her. ''There was, like, three girls that thought legit that I was their boyfriend."
6) He picks a fight before every holiday.
It's a week before Thanksgiving and he texts in you all caps about how your Yorkie just went Twilight on his Lebron 12's so obviously he needs some time apart. You invite him to your office holiday party and fifteen minutes later he's yelling he isn't good enough for you because you just made assistant manager and he works part-time at the post office.
WTF just happened? He started an argument for no damn reason is what happened. It's because cuffing season for him isn't really about really about fulfilling any kind of boyfriend obligations outside of the bedroom. He doesn't want to go pumpkin picking. He doesn't want to kiss under the mistletoe. He just wants to make sure you have your calendar cleared to lay up under him at his discretion.
7) He's asking way too many questions about your tax return or student refund.
Does dude only get excited when you're planning that cruise you're going to take this spring or that truck you're going to lease this fall…after you get your direct deposit? It might be because he's more interested in cuffing your checking account than the person who's actually maintaining the bank balance. Any man who has been half-assing the relationship all year but has a wish list for you come tax time is not worth sharing your Netflix password. You might want to re-think being cuffed by anyone who seems more interested in your check stub than you.
In conclusion, before you invite him to "Netflix and Chill," make sure that he's not planning to just leave you out in the cold. Trust me, nursing a warm blanket will be better than nursing a broken heart.
Did I miss anything? Let us know some other signs that he's just not that into you!