Something that I try to mention, as much as possible, especially when it comes to married and long-term couples is, if you want to go the distance, it's not just the "big things" that you've got to stay up on; it's the little things too. Something as simple as you being a morning person while your partner is a night owl can affect everything from quality of sleep to quality time to your sex life. That's why, when it comes to couples who have different sleep patterns who still want to have a fulfilling sexual dynamic, I'm all about encouraging them to do what is at the foundation for all successful relationships — compromise. Sometimes that means that an alarm clock needs to be set or someone needs to initiate some, umm, stuff (more on that in a bit) in order to get the juices flowing (pun intended and not intended).
Today, let's talk about why the clock should, at times, be set for midnight. Because again, whether that's when you're already in your REM state of sleep or it's when you're binging on your favorite TV series, there are some special and specific reasons why "partaking" when the clock strikes 12 that can make already-spooning-naked with your partner totally worth your while.
1. Have You Ever Been Awakened to “Receiving”? Whew, Chile.
I know that a fair share of men read our content because many of them have written me, so if any of you happen to be peeking into this article, it's not that we women don't enjoy being awakened out of our slumber. It's that some of y'all need to shift the way that you do it. Asking us over and over again if we're asleep when it's abundantly clear that we are or jabbing us with your erected friend isn't exactly our definition of seductive. Now what will get us going is awakening us with a kiss on one of our erogenous zones or taking a little trip to our treasure trove (so to speak).
From what I've read and researched, we tend to spend somewhere around two hours a night dreaming and it's not uncommon for those dreams to have a sex theme. I've personally experienced dreaming about copulation only to be awakened to some cunnilingus and chile...CHILE. Ain't nothing like that killer of a combo! (And yes, I am yelling it!)
So yeah, this goes to the fellas and us ladies — one of the best things about having sex at midnight is the amazing ways that we can wake up our partner or be awakened by them. Y'all betta ask somebody.
2. You Tend to Be Calmer
Something that naturally tends to happen whenever you're feeling anxiety on some level is your cortisol (your stress hormone) spikes which can do many things to your system — one of them being that it can cause your libido to tank. Let me tell it, that's why a lot of couples don't have as much sex as they should. They've been running around all day, only to come home to get ready for the next day. Then, once they get into bed, they are so exhausted that, while the spirit may be willing, the flesh is indeed weak.
How about this, though? Say that you fall asleep at 10 p.m. and then purpose in your mind to get up at 12 a.m. so that you can indulge your partner for 30 minutes (maybe more). Since you got a two-hour nap in, you'll automatically be calmer and somewhat rested and that can make participating in sexual activity so much better. For you both.
3. You’re Less Distracted
One of my favorite things about doing anything in the middle of the night is the world is quiet. No traffic on the street. No people blowing up my phone. Shoot, even the internet (i.e., social media) is slower (as far as there being less traffic). And when you're less distracted that makes it easier to focus on one thing — and one thing only. And when you are truly present during sex, that makes it so much more intense and satisfying. Right?
4. It Can Be Super Spontaneous
A theatrical producer by the name of Wei Wu Wei once said, "Spontaneity is being present in the present." I adore everything about that frame of mind because it's a reminder to treat every single minute as if it is something special, precious, and worthy of making the most of. Sex is not exempt here either because rather than always pulling out a calendar to see when you and yours can "fit it in", imagine just rolling over in the middle of the night and being like, "Damn, I love this man. I've gotta have him now because now is all that matters to me." (Cue Darius Lovehall inLove Jones) When sex is very "in the moment", it tends to be passionate, electric, erotic, steamy, and just all-around rapturous in the very best ways possible! You have to try it out to truly know.
5. It’s Romantic As All Get Out
I once heard someone say that romance is all about being very intentional in how you express your love. I agree, which is why I penned "What Does It Truly Mean When Someone's 'Romantic'?," "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)," and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience" once upon a time for the site. And when you are super affectionate with your partner in the middle of the night, you surprise them with a small token that expresses how you feel about them, you massage that area of their body that they mentioned was sore earlier in the day, you whisper how special they are to you in their ear — you do something that lets them know that you feel so blessed to be with them, yes, at midnight, that can be really romantic which can cause things to get really sexy…really quickly.
6. You’re Typically Hornier During a Full Moon
Yes, the moon is up and out way before midnight (especially during the fall and winter months). Still, I am a BIG TIME A Different World fan and I remember Denise once telling Dwayne that her idea of romance was being awakened by her partner in the middle of the night, just to look at the moon (I can totally dig that!). You know, aside from how sweet cuddling up in the light of a full moon can be, there are also studies to support that a lot of us ovulate around that time (which makes us hornier and more fertile) and, because there is a stronger gravitational pull altogether, that can cause our arousal levels to significantly increase as well.
So, even if you're on the fence about trying this midnight thing out any other time, at least do it on a full moon. December 2021's happens on the 7th. You can find 2022's calendar right here. You're welcome. #wink
7. It’s a Great Morning Conversation Starter
There are plenty of studies out in cyberspace that point to the fact that the way you choose to start your day can really set the tone for how your day continues and even ends. And while this is definitely a cosign for morning sex (including morning quickies), it can be for midnight sex too because say that you have sex from midnight until 1 a.m. and then you and your boo up for the rest of the evening.
You're able to get more rest. Your oxytocin levels will be higher because you'll feel closer to (and safer with) your partner. You may even sleep in an extra 15-20 minutes or use those early sunrise hours as your pillow talk time to share how he sure did put it down last night (cue Jill Scott). And when you're well-rested, when you feel connected to your partner and the sex just a few hours ago was bomb? How can that not have you walking on air the next day?
8. You’re Already Naked…RIGHT?
Last year, another writer for this platform penned, "Yes, Sleeping Naked Could Help Your Anxiety & Sleep Pattern." Listen, other than when I'm on my period (for obvious reasons, I'm thinking), I have been sleeping naked for years now and I can't imagine doing it any other way. I feel freer. I'm not as hot. And it gives "her" some time to breathe. And back when I had a man in my bed? Wheeeeew-weeeee. Something about that skin-to-skin action, even in a sleeping state, is top-tier! And when you've got all those biceps, that chest, and those strong legs wrapped around you, how could you NOT pass up the chance to let a lil' sumthin' sumthin' slide in during the midnight hour?
Listen, I may have sold you, I may have not. But you can't convince me that having some midnight sex, at least a couple of times each month, isn't the key to taking your sex life to another level. Talk about making the most of what bumps around in the night, chile. *exhale*
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
If you are looking to bring a little spice into your life, dating a fire sign is the way to do it. These bold lovers are confident enough to take the lead but may surprise you with how generous they are as well. Fire signs are the heat, the passion, the charisma, and the heart of the zodiac. They are often the initiators in love, and don’t mind making the first move. The three fire signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, love uniquely in their own way, but all have a lasting impact on those they meet.
You can feel a fire sign’s energy from a mile away, and getting close to them on a romantic level is a whole other type of heat.
Fire Signs in Love: What Is It Like To Date a Fire Sign?
Dating a fire sign is exciting, heartfelt, intense, and sexy. Fire signs are some of the most independent of the zodiac signs, yet they are also some of the most loyal. Their inner fire will warm your heart, but treat them badly, and it can just as easily burn. Due to fire signs' nature of feeling everything a little more heightened, they make empathic lovers, but they can also let their feelings overwhelm them and become easily irrational or agitated.
Fire signs can get heated quickly, and dating an unevolved one can get messy as they love to put on a show. They need a partner who is a good balance to their fierce nature, but someone who isn’t going to put out their inner fire in the process.
When it comes to who fire signs are looking to date, they look for partners who can love just as passionately as they can, and expect an unwavering type of loyalty. They are also looking for confident lovers, as they aren’t one to play games or beat around the bush. They are the type of partner to be your biggest cheerleader and will support you in all your endeavors, building up your self-esteem in the process.
These lovers are ready to risk it all when it comes to their relationships and love, and dating them is a fun adventure, to say the least. These are creative, confident, romantic, and heart-warming souls, and dating a fire sign is inspiring.
Dating an Aries
Aries are independent lovers. They are free spirits that are a little hard to settle down with, as most fire signs are, yet you will know how much they are willing to give and put into the relationship through their efforts. You have to be going at the same pace as them in life, and they need to see you as someone who can keep up with them to gain their respect and commitment. Aries have a vision when it comes to their life and love, and are looking for a partner that aligns with their plans or goals that they have for themselves.
Aries, at their best, are loyal and exciting; at their worst, they are competitive and brash.
When it comes to dating an Aries, they want to do things that keep their energy moving and stimulate them. They are fun lovers and are constantly doing things as a young soul does, fueling their spirit. Aries doesn’t want to feel restricted or limited in any way and seek relationships where there is a certain amount of freedom, which in turn sometimes leads them into emotionally unavailable relationships. An evolved Aries seeks their balance and finds themselves in long-lasting partnerships where they can still feel authentically themselves.
Dating an Aries is a compelling adventure.
Learn how an Aries pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Leo
Dating a Leo is like entering a rom-com movie. Leos are bold, outspoken, and dramatic lovers. They tend to prefer a spotlight on them, but when it comes to love, they are usually willing to share the stage. Leos want a grand love. They are all about outrageous romantic gestures, complete and utter loyalty, and a little spice. Leos want to be adored, and when you are dating one, they want all of your attention to be on them. Evolved Leos understand they cannot be the center of everyone's world, but Leo’s still going through their love journey may find themselves entertaining drama and controlling the scenario.
Leo’s, at their best, are playful and loving; at their worst, they are irrational and disruptive.
All in all, however, Leos can make some of the best partners to date as they rule the 5th house, the house of romance, dating, love, and flirtation. They are fun partners and are often the ones planning the dates or outings, and creating an atmosphere that is happy and inviting. They are the type to create an uplifting energy in their relationships, and you can expect a lot of laughs in this pairing. Leos don’t hold back when it comes to most things in life, including love. They will express their love and admiration for you often and will expect the same respect in turn.
Dating a Leo is a statement.
Learn how a Leo pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Sagittarius
Sagittariuses are hard to grasp, but if they decide to let you into their world, you’ll find a space of wonder, adventure, and magic. There are many different stages a Sagittarius moves through in love, and as much as they like to do things quickly in all other aspects of their lives, when it comes to dating, they tend to take it more slowly. They are not the type to be in a rush to define the relationship and take their time when opening their heart. You will feel their love, their personality, and their attention, but getting to know their deepest selves, their goals, and their dreams is going to take time for Sagittarius, and they prefer to have some fun with you while they get there.
Sagittarius, at their best, are warm and hopeful; at their worst, they are harsh and disingenuous.
Being ruled by abundant Jupiter, Sagittarius lives larger than life. They want a love that feels like it was destined by the stars, and it needs to make sense and fall into place for them with ease. They are looking for all types of synchronicities and signs when dating you, and once you make it past this stage, they truly have their eyes open to you. Sagittarius wants to go on adventures, learn, travel, and explore the world and you while dating. This is a spontaneous sign, and if you can match their energy of passion and wanderlust, then this is a good match for you when it comes to love.
Dating a Sagittarius is a journey.
Learn how a Sagittarius pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
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Featured image by Milena Magazin/Getty Images