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Having Sex Every Day. For A Month. Straight. Can Transform Your Marriage.

If you've never participated in a 30-day sex challenge before, maybe reading this will change your mind.

Sex

Recently, I read that somewhere around 15 percent of couples haven't had sex in six months. Unlike actor Terry Crews, who went on a 90-day sex fast a few years ago in order to heal from a porn addiction and reestablish emotional intimacy with his wife (clearly it worked because they recently celebrated 30 years of marriage; kudos!), these husbands and wives aren't going without in order to make their relationship better. Between hectic schedules, kids, fatigue, not going to bed at the same time (which isn't a good thing, by the way), boredom and simply not wanting to connect in that way, sexless marriages continue to be on the rise. Unfortunately.

And boy does it seem to creep on a couple. I can't tell you how many married folks I know who have gone months, if not years, without gettin' it in (I can't even imagine!). When I asked one couple—who's been married for well over a decade but hasn't had sex in at least three years—what the deal was, their responses were interesting. The husband said that he was tired of always having to initiate while feeling like he was forcing his wife since all she would do is lay there ("Celie Sex" is what I call that because it reminds me of when Celie in The Color Purple was all stoic when her wack ass husband Albert was humping on her).

Meanwhile, the wife said that her husband might as well play Beyoncé's song "Ego" in the background every time they do it because apparently he thinks that since he's packin' that he's actually accomplishing something. According to her, he's not and hasn't been for a few years now. What changed? She admits she did. The kind of bang-bang-bang sex that she didn't mind in her late 20s is the last thing she is interested in some 20 years later. And so, to a certain extent, glorified roommates is what these two individuals are.

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And why would a couple stay in a marriage like this? They love each other. They like each other. But still, major strains have occurred. The husband has been mad tempted to cheat (folks who don't get how he could get to that point might want to check out I Corinthians 7:5 in the Good Book), and the wife is becoming more resentful and distant by the day. Although I do agree with someone who shared that there are sometimes physical barriers that can hinder a healthy married sex life (she stated it underneath the article "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex in Marriage Is So Important"), it really is irrefutable that sex is to be a part of a marital union. Not just birthday and anniversary sex either. But if you're already caught up in a cycle of not making sex a top priority, how do you break out of it?

Having Sex Every Day Can Break the No-Sex Cycle

First, if it's a pattern, I think that you should treat a lack of consistent sex like a bad habit. And, as we all know, bad habits don't change overnight. Although most of us have heard that it takes 21 days to break one, I agree with an article on habit breaking that said "habits are an automatic response to your surroundings from repeating the same actions daily".

Translation—if you want something different, you've got to do things differently.

As it relates to what we've been discussing, different like what? So glad that you asked, my dear.

If you're someone who frequents the site Reddit, you might recall the 30-Day Sex Challenge for Couples that was all the rage a couple of years back. It didn't just consist of folks having sex every day for a month. No, it also came with a list of rules (like you could take a break on your period if you wanted to, although there are perks to period sex if you've never tried it before), and a daily set of different criteria (like on Day 3, you should have sex twice a day and on Day 30, you should attempt to stay up all night and do it, just like men claim to do on the regular in R&B songs…LOL).

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Anyway, when I first heard about the challenge, it actually reminded me of something extremely similar that—brace yourselves now—a church did several years before Reddit. A pastor by the name of Paul Wirth of Relevant Church in Ybor City, FL gained national recognition back in 2008 for encouraging the married members of his church to have sex for 30 days straight, in the hopes of decreasing the sexless marriage statistics (reportedly about 15 percent of married couples only engage 10 or so times a year) and ultimately divorce rates too. According to him, while he did get a significant amount of eye rolls from his congregants (especially the wives) at first, by the time the 30 days were up, just about everyone said that they felt so much closer to their partner. Why is that? I'd venture to say that there are literally dozens of reasons, but here are seven.

Having Sex Every Day for a Month Straight Can:

  • Reignite the Passion in Your Relationship
  • Make You More Sexually Creative
  • Bring You Closer to Your Partner
  • Instill the Habit of Making Sex a Top Priority (Again)
  • Improve the Quality of Your Health
  • Put You in a Better Mood
  • Get You Both Excited About One Another (Again)

There's another reason why participating in sex for 30 days straight is worth seriously considering. A pretty consistent—yet not talked about nearly enough—cause of brokenness in a marriage is grudge-holding. No joke. By definition, a grudge is "a feeling of ill will or resentment"; holding one can lead to heart issues, an increase of stress and anxiety, sleeplessness and even the development of type-2 diabetes. Not only that, but there are studies which indicate that children are unsettled in an environment where their parents are resentful towards one another. That instability can stifle their own emotional development.

Grudge-holding typically boils down to unforgivingness. Something that I tell engaged couples often is if you know that you suck at forgiveness, don't get married because that kind of relationship is the Olympics of forgiveness. If you are married, because you are human and your spouse is too, I'm pretty certain you can vouch for the fact that you're going to probably have to forgive each other, for something, at least once a day.

And what better way to celebrate that stretching of your character than a romp or two? And if you're not used to seeing sex as a reward for grown folks behavior, what better way to start getting used to doing so than having sex every day for a month? Straight.

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Now, for the skeptics, am I saying that sex "solves" everything? No (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). If you and your spouse just can't seem to get it together, I'm a huge fan of therapy too. But what I am saying is between the oftentimes selfish mentality that comes with having sex as a single person (check out "What 5 Men Had to Say About Married Sex" when you get a chance), the toxic messages that are promoted in the media about sex, and how sex is oftentimes treated like a luxury rather than a necessity in marital unions, I do think that just like a vacation 1-2 times a year can breathe new life into a marriage, so can having sex for 30-days twice a year too (some articles that totally agree include "I Had Sex Every Day For A Month And It Saved My Marriage" and "Having Sex Every Day for a Month Saved My Marriage").

How to Make the 30-Day Sex Challenge Work for You

If this is something that you're willing to give a shot (chile, I don't even have to ask your hubby; I know what he's on!), you might wonder how to get started. I did hyperlink the Reddit challenge up top if you want to duplicate that. A woman by the name of Grace Rose provided her own twist to the instructions here. Something else that could be a lot of fun is you and your girlfriends can decide to do the challenge together—not together together but together—and each of you can offer up five days of suggestions. Or, you and yours can use this as an opportunity to bring some fantasies to life by you coming up with that y'all should do for 15 days and him coming up with the other 15. To bring in even more of an incentive, create a sex jar so that you can even save a little cash in the process.

When I'm in a session, I can oftentimes tell who is sexually fulfilled vs. who isn't when one of the spouses—especially if it's the wife—says, "Why would I withhold sex?! That's only punishing me in the process." The desire is that after 30 days of consistent sex with your own spouse, you will feel very similarly. Sex won't be avoided or obligatory. Be wanted, cherished and oh so welcome. A hell of a lot more than once every six months or 10 times a year.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage

10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make

7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It

6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse

Feature image by Getty Images

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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