

Recently, I read that somewhere around 15 percent of couples haven't had sex in six months. Unlike actor Terry Crews, who went on a 90-day sex fast a few years ago in order to heal from a porn addiction and reestablish emotional intimacy with his wife (clearly it worked because they recently celebrated 30 years of marriage; kudos!), these husbands and wives aren't going without in order to make their relationship better. Between hectic schedules, kids, fatigue, not going to bed at the same time (which isn't a good thing, by the way), boredom and simply not wanting to connect in that way, sexless marriages continue to be on the rise. Unfortunately.
And boy does it seem to creep on a couple. I can't tell you how many married folks I know who have gone months, if not years, without gettin' it in (I can't even imagine!). When I asked one couple—who's been married for well over a decade but hasn't had sex in at least three years—what the deal was, their responses were interesting. The husband said that he was tired of always having to initiate while feeling like he was forcing his wife since all she would do is lay there ("Celie Sex" is what I call that because it reminds me of when Celie in The Color Purple was all stoic when her wack ass husband Albert was humping on her).
Meanwhile, the wife said that her husband might as well play Beyoncé's song "Ego" in the background every time they do it because apparently he thinks that since he's packin' that he's actually accomplishing something. According to her, he's not and hasn't been for a few years now. What changed? She admits she did. The kind of bang-bang-bang sex that she didn't mind in her late 20s is the last thing she is interested in some 20 years later. And so, to a certain extent, glorified roommates is what these two individuals are.
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And why would a couple stay in a marriage like this? They love each other. They like each other. But still, major strains have occurred. The husband has been mad tempted to cheat (folks who don't get how he could get to that point might want to check out I Corinthians 7:5 in the Good Book), and the wife is becoming more resentful and distant by the day. Although I do agree with someone who shared that there are sometimes physical barriers that can hinder a healthy married sex life (she stated it underneath the article "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex in Marriage Is So Important"), it really is irrefutable that sex is to be a part of a marital union. Not just birthday and anniversary sex either. But if you're already caught up in a cycle of not making sex a top priority, how do you break out of it?
Having Sex Every Day Can Break the No-Sex Cycle
First, if it's a pattern, I think that you should treat a lack of consistent sex like a bad habit. And, as we all know, bad habits don't change overnight. Although most of us have heard that it takes 21 days to break one, I agree with an article on habit breaking that said "habits are an automatic response to your surroundings from repeating the same actions daily".
Translation—if you want something different, you've got to do things differently.
As it relates to what we've been discussing, different like what? So glad that you asked, my dear.
If you're someone who frequents the site Reddit, you might recall the 30-Day Sex Challenge for Couples that was all the rage a couple of years back. It didn't just consist of folks having sex every day for a month. No, it also came with a list of rules (like you could take a break on your period if you wanted to, although there are perks to period sex if you've never tried it before), and a daily set of different criteria (like on Day 3, you should have sex twice a day and on Day 30, you should attempt to stay up all night and do it, just like men claim to do on the regular in R&B songs…LOL).
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Anyway, when I first heard about the challenge, it actually reminded me of something extremely similar that—brace yourselves now—a church did several years before Reddit. A pastor by the name of Paul Wirth of Relevant Church in Ybor City, FL gained national recognition back in 2008 for encouraging the married members of his church to have sex for 30 days straight, in the hopes of decreasing the sexless marriage statistics (reportedly about 15 percent of married couples only engage 10 or so times a year) and ultimately divorce rates too. According to him, while he did get a significant amount of eye rolls from his congregants (especially the wives) at first, by the time the 30 days were up, just about everyone said that they felt so much closer to their partner. Why is that? I'd venture to say that there are literally dozens of reasons, but here are seven.
Having Sex Every Day for a Month Straight Can:
- Reignite the Passion in Your Relationship
- Make You More Sexually Creative
- Bring You Closer to Your Partner
- Instill the Habit of Making Sex a Top Priority (Again)
- Improve the Quality of Your Health
- Put You in a Better Mood
- Get You Both Excited About One Another (Again)
There's another reason why participating in sex for 30 days straight is worth seriously considering. A pretty consistent—yet not talked about nearly enough—cause of brokenness in a marriage is grudge-holding. No joke. By definition, a grudge is "a feeling of ill will or resentment"; holding one can lead to heart issues, an increase of stress and anxiety, sleeplessness and even the development of type-2 diabetes. Not only that, but there are studies which indicate that children are unsettled in an environment where their parents are resentful towards one another. That instability can stifle their own emotional development.
Grudge-holding typically boils down to unforgivingness. Something that I tell engaged couples often is if you know that you suck at forgiveness, don't get married because that kind of relationship is the Olympics of forgiveness. If you are married, because you are human and your spouse is too, I'm pretty certain you can vouch for the fact that you're going to probably have to forgive each other, for something, at least once a day.
And what better way to celebrate that stretching of your character than a romp or two? And if you're not used to seeing sex as a reward for grown folks behavior, what better way to start getting used to doing so than having sex every day for a month? Straight.
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Now, for the skeptics, am I saying that sex "solves" everything? No (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). If you and your spouse just can't seem to get it together, I'm a huge fan of therapy too. But what I am saying is between the oftentimes selfish mentality that comes with having sex as a single person (check out "What 5 Men Had to Say About Married Sex" when you get a chance), the toxic messages that are promoted in the media about sex, and how sex is oftentimes treated like a luxury rather than a necessity in marital unions, I do think that just like a vacation 1-2 times a year can breathe new life into a marriage, so can having sex for 30-days twice a year too (some articles that totally agree include "I Had Sex Every Day For A Month And It Saved My Marriage" and "Having Sex Every Day for a Month Saved My Marriage").
How to Make the 30-Day Sex Challenge Work for You
If this is something that you're willing to give a shot (chile, I don't even have to ask your hubby; I know what he's on!), you might wonder how to get started. I did hyperlink the Reddit challenge up top if you want to duplicate that. A woman by the name of Grace Rose provided her own twist to the instructions here. Something else that could be a lot of fun is you and your girlfriends can decide to do the challenge together—not together together but together—and each of you can offer up five days of suggestions. Or, you and yours can use this as an opportunity to bring some fantasies to life by you coming up with that y'all should do for 15 days and him coming up with the other 15. To bring in even more of an incentive, create a sex jar so that you can even save a little cash in the process.
When I'm in a session, I can oftentimes tell who is sexually fulfilled vs. who isn't when one of the spouses—especially if it's the wife—says, "Why would I withhold sex?! That's only punishing me in the process." The desire is that after 30 days of consistent sex with your own spouse, you will feel very similarly. Sex won't be avoided or obligatory. Be wanted, cherished and oh so welcome. A hell of a lot more than once every six months or 10 times a year.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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You Don’t Have To Choose: How Black Women Can Care For Others Without Self-Sacrifice
One of the primary instructions we receive before a flight takes off is to prioritize putting on your life vest first if there’s an emergency, even before assisting others. It’s funny how this rule rarely translates to the daily routine of women.
As women we are taught, directly and indirectly, to put others first. Whether it’s our romantic partners, kids, parents, friends, or even our jobs. Mental health survivor and founder of Sista Afya Community Care, Camesha Jones-Brandon is challenging that narrative by using her platform to advocate for Black women and their right to self-care.
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
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“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
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