

Having Sex Every Day. For A Month. Straight. Can Transform Your Marriage.
Recently, I read that somewhere around 15 percent of couples haven't had sex in six months. Unlike actor Terry Crews, who went on a 90-day sex fast a few years ago in order to heal from a porn addiction and reestablish emotional intimacy with his wife (clearly it worked because they recently celebrated 30 years of marriage; kudos!), these husbands and wives aren't going without in order to make their relationship better. Between hectic schedules, kids, fatigue, not going to bed at the same time (which isn't a good thing, by the way), boredom and simply not wanting to connect in that way, sexless marriages continue to be on the rise. Unfortunately.
And boy does it seem to creep on a couple. I can't tell you how many married folks I know who have gone months, if not years, without gettin' it in (I can't even imagine!). When I asked one couple—who's been married for well over a decade but hasn't had sex in at least three years—what the deal was, their responses were interesting. The husband said that he was tired of always having to initiate while feeling like he was forcing his wife since all she would do is lay there ("Celie Sex" is what I call that because it reminds me of when Celie in The Color Purple was all stoic when her wack ass husband Albert was humping on her).
Meanwhile, the wife said that her husband might as well play Beyoncé's song "Ego" in the background every time they do it because apparently he thinks that since he's packin' that he's actually accomplishing something. According to her, he's not and hasn't been for a few years now. What changed? She admits she did. The kind of bang-bang-bang sex that she didn't mind in her late 20s is the last thing she is interested in some 20 years later. And so, to a certain extent, glorified roommates is what these two individuals are.
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And why would a couple stay in a marriage like this? They love each other. They like each other. But still, major strains have occurred. The husband has been mad tempted to cheat (folks who don't get how he could get to that point might want to check out I Corinthians 7:5 in the Good Book), and the wife is becoming more resentful and distant by the day. Although I do agree with someone who shared that there are sometimes physical barriers that can hinder a healthy married sex life (she stated it underneath the article "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex in Marriage Is So Important"), it really is irrefutable that sex is to be a part of a marital union. Not just birthday and anniversary sex either. But if you're already caught up in a cycle of not making sex a top priority, how do you break out of it?
Having Sex Every Day Can Break the No-Sex Cycle
First, if it's a pattern, I think that you should treat a lack of consistent sex like a bad habit. And, as we all know, bad habits don't change overnight. Although most of us have heard that it takes 21 days to break one, I agree with an article on habit breaking that said "habits are an automatic response to your surroundings from repeating the same actions daily".
Translation—if you want something different, you've got to do things differently.
As it relates to what we've been discussing, different like what? So glad that you asked, my dear.
If you're someone who frequents the site Reddit, you might recall the 30-Day Sex Challenge for Couples that was all the rage a couple of years back. It didn't just consist of folks having sex every day for a month. No, it also came with a list of rules (like you could take a break on your period if you wanted to, although there are perks to period sex if you've never tried it before), and a daily set of different criteria (like on Day 3, you should have sex twice a day and on Day 30, you should attempt to stay up all night and do it, just like men claim to do on the regular in R&B songs…LOL).
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Anyway, when I first heard about the challenge, it actually reminded me of something extremely similar that—brace yourselves now—a church did several years before Reddit. A pastor by the name of Paul Wirth of Relevant Church in Ybor City, FL gained national recognition back in 2008 for encouraging the married members of his church to have sex for 30 days straight, in the hopes of decreasing the sexless marriage statistics (reportedly about 15 percent of married couples only engage 10 or so times a year) and ultimately divorce rates too. According to him, while he did get a significant amount of eye rolls from his congregants (especially the wives) at first, by the time the 30 days were up, just about everyone said that they felt so much closer to their partner. Why is that? I'd venture to say that there are literally dozens of reasons, but here are seven.
Having Sex Every Day for a Month Straight Can:
- Reignite the Passion in Your Relationship
- Make You More Sexually Creative
- Bring You Closer to Your Partner
- Instill the Habit of Making Sex a Top Priority (Again)
- Improve the Quality of Your Health
- Put You in a Better Mood
- Get You Both Excited About One Another (Again)
There's another reason why participating in sex for 30 days straight is worth seriously considering. A pretty consistent—yet not talked about nearly enough—cause of brokenness in a marriage is grudge-holding. No joke. By definition, a grudge is "a feeling of ill will or resentment"; holding one can lead to heart issues, an increase of stress and anxiety, sleeplessness and even the development of type-2 diabetes. Not only that, but there are studies which indicate that children are unsettled in an environment where their parents are resentful towards one another. That instability can stifle their own emotional development.
Grudge-holding typically boils down to unforgivingness. Something that I tell engaged couples often is if you know that you suck at forgiveness, don't get married because that kind of relationship is the Olympics of forgiveness. If you are married, because you are human and your spouse is too, I'm pretty certain you can vouch for the fact that you're going to probably have to forgive each other, for something, at least once a day.
And what better way to celebrate that stretching of your character than a romp or two? And if you're not used to seeing sex as a reward for grown folks behavior, what better way to start getting used to doing so than having sex every day for a month? Straight.
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Now, for the skeptics, am I saying that sex "solves" everything? No (check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). If you and your spouse just can't seem to get it together, I'm a huge fan of therapy too. But what I am saying is between the oftentimes selfish mentality that comes with having sex as a single person (check out "What 5 Men Had to Say About Married Sex" when you get a chance), the toxic messages that are promoted in the media about sex, and how sex is oftentimes treated like a luxury rather than a necessity in marital unions, I do think that just like a vacation 1-2 times a year can breathe new life into a marriage, so can having sex for 30-days twice a year too (some articles that totally agree include "I Had Sex Every Day For A Month And It Saved My Marriage" and "Having Sex Every Day for a Month Saved My Marriage").
How to Make the 30-Day Sex Challenge Work for You
If this is something that you're willing to give a shot (chile, I don't even have to ask your hubby; I know what he's on!), you might wonder how to get started. I did hyperlink the Reddit challenge up top if you want to duplicate that. A woman by the name of Grace Rose provided her own twist to the instructions here. Something else that could be a lot of fun is you and your girlfriends can decide to do the challenge together—not together together but together—and each of you can offer up five days of suggestions. Or, you and yours can use this as an opportunity to bring some fantasies to life by you coming up with that y'all should do for 15 days and him coming up with the other 15. To bring in even more of an incentive, create a sex jar so that you can even save a little cash in the process.
When I'm in a session, I can oftentimes tell who is sexually fulfilled vs. who isn't when one of the spouses—especially if it's the wife—says, "Why would I withhold sex?! That's only punishing me in the process." The desire is that after 30 days of consistent sex with your own spouse, you will feel very similarly. Sex won't be avoided or obligatory. Be wanted, cherished and oh so welcome. A hell of a lot more than once every six months or 10 times a year.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masturdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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