If you're a sexually active single person who desires to get married someday, I want to provide you a quick word of caution — single sex can be really misleading. Good, sure, but still misleading.
What I mean by that is, although I personally know a few married couples where both partners were virgins on their wedding night, as life would have it, the common thread of every couple I've personally worked with is, they had sex prior to saying "I do". About 80 percent of those who did say that sex after marriage isn't quite what they expected it to be, mostly when it comes to frequency and creativity.
Apparently, my clients are not alone. I say that because, a couple of years ago, Cosmo conducted a survey on how the sex lives of women ages 20-29 changed once they were married. As single women, many of them were having sex no less than 2-3 times a week. After marriage, they were lucky if they got it in once a week. That isn't bad, but 42 percent of women (and shocking, I know, 62 percent of men) still wish they were having sex more often.
So, why is there such a difference between sex before marriage and coitus after it?
That's a podcast series all on its own, but one of the main things is, single sex sets you up to have a pretty idealistic view of sex. You plan entire nights around it. You make sure you're looking, feeling, and (hopefully) smelling your best at all times. You don't want you or your partner to get bored, so you're always looking for ways to make sex fun and exciting.
Then you get married and assume that you'll be getting the 2.0 version of this kind of action. But then life gets in the way — bills, hectic schedules, arguments, fatigue, kids. Although Saturday nights used to be about finding the most affordable hotel room to try the latest sex position one of your girlfriends read about on Ask Men, now you're lucky if you and yours can get through an entire movie without falling asleep on the couch.
It's not that you don't love your spouse anymore. Sex just isn't as much of a priority as it used to be.
The problem with that is, it's supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be one of the main things that makes marriage different from all other types of relationships. If it's missing, think about it — in many ways, what makes your relationship with your spouse any different than the one you have with your bestie or roommate?
So, what's the remedy to gettin' it in more consistently? Some say it's maintenance sex. What the heck is that? In a nutshell, it's the kind of sex that you plan to have; not just plan but execute. Even if it has to be a quickie or neither of you are exactly in the sexiest kind of mood at the time, you put it on your schedule.
Already that doesn't sound the most erotic or appealing, does it? I get that but here's the thing. Out of all of the couples I've worked with, no matter why they initially came to see me, something that was lacking was the amount of sex they were having. The bedroom issues ranged from their partner being selfish in bed to one of them being too pissed with their spouse to even want to have sex. And the less they had it, the further apart they became.
While single sex makes you treat sex as a fun activity, some married people see sex as some sort of reward. That way of thinking only damages their relationship and sex life over time because, in many ways, sex is a type of glue that helps to keep a couple together.
That's because there is bonafide scientific evidence to support that sex brings two people closer. And you know what? Their bodies and the oxytocin that their bodies produce couldn't care less who didn't pay the cable bill on time or who argued with their mother-in-law.
When kisses, cuddling, foreplay, and intercourse happen, it establishes (or reaffirms) the bond that two people share.
This is why maintenance sex is currently so popular (just Google it and see how many links you find). It's not so much about trying to create the best sex experience ever (although going into the act with that frame of mind never hurts) so much as it's about making sure that you and yours make a sexual connection in order to keep your mental and emotional ones intact.
If after reading all of this, you're still like, "If I can't have an hour of mind-blowing sex every time I do it, I'd rather not have it at all", in the wise words of Dr. Phil, "How is that working for ya?" Beyond just you, how is that frame of mind working for your partner and your marriage overall?
Look, no one is saying (or even encouraging) that you have to engage in maintenance sex all of the time. I'm just saying that just like you might not be totally in love with every meal that you eat or you don't always want to go to the gym, you do these things because you know that eating well and working out are necessary for your overall health and longevity. The same thing goes for sex and how it benefits your marriage.
When you were single, having sex was optional. Now that you're married, it's a staple in your relationship. Even when it's not the kind that has you climbing the walls, trust that the time and effort you're making, along with the oxytocin that's being produced, is doing wonders for your marriage.
A good marriage consists of consistent maintenance — both in and out of the bedroom. Love yourself, your spouse, and your relationship enough to fit in a little maintenance sex every once in a while. It's better than no sex at all. Believe that.
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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