My husband and celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in September. Raising a four-year-old, navigating my job layoff and his full commitment to entrepreneurship are just a few of the things life decided to throw at us in these first few years after we made it official.
After what felt like sometimes was "surviving" my marriage instead of thriving in it, it's understandable that my memory was a little foggy and I almost forgot how long we've known each other. After recalling a few random milestones and encounters that stand out in our memory, we came to the agreement that we've actually known each other for about 15 years.
Slumps or dry spells are inevitable for anyone who has been in a long-term romantic relationship, particularly when you're living with someone and find yourself going through the motions on auto-pilot most days. As great as our marriage is, there are definitely plenty of times when our connection takes a backseat to pulling overtime at work, "Back to School Nights" and trips to Target for bathroom cleaner.
When I remember the people we were when we first met, I remember us eating Johnny Rockets and laughing on my porch when he got off his late shift and making love on his pull-out couch in the living room with episodes of The Office playing in the background. In the past year or so, however, Netflix has become the main event and there's no "chillin", just starting the dishwasher before we go to bed and start another day full of responsibilities.
However, this past summer, a series of events happened that made me look at my husband in a different way. For whatever reason, whether it was the clients he worked with or a neighbor that was being a little too nice, women (who didn't know he was married of course) started shooting their shot like they were Stephen Curry with ten seconds left in the final quarter.
He'd come home and tell me how he'd politely decline and expected us to laugh at the awkwardness of it all. But of course, I'd get irritated and want ALL the details, "Were you flirting? Did they see your wedding ring? Why aren't you wearing a big ass neon sign that says 'TAKEN'?" There's nothing quite like an outside perspective to remind you of exactly what you have, so when hubby shared with me a general contractor he was working with had asked if he could talk blueprints over Cheesecake Factory, I couldn't help but laugh before thinking, "I will cut that h*e."
It didn't help that just a few weeks before there was a female friend that he had for years who suddenly began hitting him up for love and relationship advice. On the outside I was joking, "You should have gotten us some free slices of Oreo Dream Cheesecake," or "Your homegirl can't keep a man because she's too busy posting Instagram stories." But a part of me was annoyed and felt like my marriage was being threatened.
Admittedly at first, all I wanted was for all of these chicks to miss me and my marriage with the inquiries but it did make me realize something: Maybe I wasn't recognizing exactly what I had.
Meanwhile, hubby was out maneuvering through all of the advances and attention like Keanu Reeves back-bending under bullets in The Matrix. Still, a very insecure part of me went from 0 to 10 protecting my marriage. And all I could hear was Iyanla Vanzant's voice in the back of my head saying, "A marriage can only be destroyed from the inside." It wasn't so much anything that my husband was doing to invite the attention, but my response to him being open and candid with me was to question myself and what I might be neglecting to contribute to the marriage.
Furthermore, the increased attention he was receiving brought out a jealous side of me that I never had in our relationship. We had never been the type of couple to keep secrets, sneak and go through one another's phones, or get tripped up on things we considered "silly" like Instagram follows or acting like marriage made us pull a Stevie Wonder on other attractive people. But because of the vulnerable place, I was at with career frustration and the stresses of motherhood, my imagination went wild and I tried to make my husband into Terrence Howard from Ashanti's "Foolish" video while I created problems that weren't really there.
I recognized I was projecting my own insecurities in other parts of my life onto my marriage. My husband didn't ask me to marry him because he was looking for the Beyonce to his Jay. He wasn't expecting me to pop out a baby and then get my belly flat for the 'Gram within a week. What I began to realize was that I was unrealistically seeking perfection. I knew who I married and trusted and loved the man I knew he was, but with all the changes, and the realization that I had control issues, I recognized the subconscious pressures I was placing on myself.
I'll never forget the epiphany I had at the intersection of Broad and Poplar in Philadelphia one summer while dropping off our daughter.
A voice in my head stated: "You're finding fault in situations that aren't there because of your need to get in front of a problem and control the outcome."
By June of 2019, I had been through a new job that didn't end up working out, a rejected proposal for a short film, and a severe cut to the freelance writing income I had become accustomed to for years. With all of the rejection making it feel like the rug was being pulled from under me on a routine as regular as my menstrual cycle, a part of me wanted to predict the next problem in my life and get my defenses up. Fortunately, that problem wasn't my husband's loyalty, as much as my crazy ass tried to make it be.
My own insecurities made me overanalyze, overthink and make a few unwarranted advances from other women more than what they actually were. I also realized how much I was internalizing the toxic relationships that were taking place around me at the time. I had one friend calling me constantly to complain that the married man she was seeing was never going to leave his wife and another friend who was one "Ebony BBW" search away from leaving her boyfriend and his porn addiction. That's the thing about toxicity; if it lingers around too long it starts to seep into your own feelings and thoughts.
Even when you're making a committed effort every day, it can be easy to take the solid relationships you have in place in your life for granted.
It was funny because on my end, I thought we were doing the things that marriage counselors and life coaches would suggest. We made an effort to schedule date night at least once a month (even if date night was the predictable dinner and a movie). I made sure to keep up my appearance when I had the energy so he wouldn't start to think my satin bonnet had become my signature hairstyle. And whether it was his favorite body spray or a meal to take home for my man after happy hour with the girls, I made small gestures to let him know he was appreciated.
But marriage requires more than child-free nights and a new hairstyle. It's about checking in and make sure your marriage is growing and adapting to the changes that take place in it. It's also about giving yourself grace and understanding the young, fly twenty-something you were when you met your partner is no longer the woman you are nor should necessarily be almost two decades later.
Over the course of a few days this past summer, my husband and I had conversations about boundaries, communication, shared goals and expectations to ensure that we were on the same page. More than anything, all the drama and distractions from the outside were a much-needed reminder of the importance of checking-in and maintaining our marriage. I also began to allow myself to start living my life, including all of its ups and downs, instead of trying to defeat it.
The thing is, with any relationship you can't expect that because you've landed a good catch, those other fish will keep on swimming and pay that person no mind. And honestly, besides a few petty arguments, something unexpected happened: I suddenly wanted to hump my husband every hour of the day.
Maybe it was the fact that another woman wanted my man, maybe it was because the first time we had some conflict that was about our actual relationship and not who ate the last yogurt or gave the baby a popsicle before bed. It was a reminder that before kids and bills, all we had was each other and a whole lot of extra time.
Make-up sex shouldn't be the only sex you're having, but being reminded that outside of a husband, father and professional, your partner is a whole snack (and can keep his cool even when your jealousy gets the best of you) is not only humbling but one hell of an aphrodisiac.
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xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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