This is one of those things I really wish I could take the credit for, but I can't. One day, while doing some research for a wedding article, I saw a "sex jar" on Pinterest.
I read the fine print and the gist is this—every time a couple has sex, they agree to put some money into a big jar (or vase, jug or piggybank). It can be a quarter or $10, but something must go in there. Then, after six months to a year, the couple empties out the jar and uses the money to do something romantic. (Dope, right?)
Ever since I got hip to the sex jar concept, it's something that I incorporate into my marriage life coaching sessions. Now that I've got a few years of recommending sex jars under my belt, I've discovered a few other bonafide reasons for couples to invest in one.
It's A Great "Sex Gauge".
Every couple is unique. This means that each one's sex life is going to be different. But if you're wondering how much sex is considered to be "healthy", there are plenty of articles that say if you're having sex once a week, you're actually doing pretty good.
So, what's the sign that you need a lil' more nookie in your life? I'll put it to you this way—20 million Americans are only having sex 10 times a year. Technically, that's what a "sexless marriage" is.
Since sex is great for your health (sperm included; I'm just sayin') and it's also one of the absolute best ways to bond with your partner, it's a good idea to not deprive yourself. A sex jar can help you to (literally) see if you are—or aren't.
It's One Of The Coolest Ways To Save Money.
I recently read that the average household has about $134,000 worth of debt (I also read 74 percent of engaged couples will take on debt in order to get married). Sometimes that's because couples don't have emergency funds or savings accounts that are strictly for vacations and second honeymoons.
If you and yours haven't gotten away in a while because funds are tight, peep this: Americans toss as much as—count it—$62 million in loose change every year. Every. Single. Year. By putting some of yours into your sex jar, not only is it a great way to tell how much sex you are having, it's also a fun way to hold onto your coins and save a little cash in the process too.
It Reminds Couples To Make Sex A (Top) Priority.
If you're someone who has a to-do list, tell me something. Is sex on it? If what you're about to say is you don't want to schedule sex because that doesn't seem very sexy, I hear you. I'll say two things about that, though.
One, I promise you that scheduling it is better than not having it at all. And two, putting sex on your schedule can make the activity something that you look forward to during the week. Again, I am a marriage life coach but you don't have to take my word for it. There's a great read on this very topic here.
Just think. If you have a big ole sex jar in your bedroom and you walk past it every day, it's going to at least remind you to think of sex. And, the more we tend to think of something, the greater chance it has of becoming a priority (and for all of the reasons I've already shared, sex should always be a priority!).
It Reminds Couples To Make Romance A Top Priority Too
Question. How much romance is in your marriage? If that's too complex of a question, how about this one? When's the last time you and yours went on an actual date? (Picking up takeout or watching a movie on the couch does not qualify!)
If you know that romance is lacking but you haven't been able to make it happen because funds are tight, this is just one more reason to get yourself a sex jar. Just think—if you have sex three times a week and you each put $5 in the jar for every time that you do, you'll have $30 a week/$120 a month to spend on going on a real date. (This sex jar thing is just getting better and better isn't it?)
It's An Awesome Gift To Give To Your Other Married Friends
As long as you have friends, there are going to be occasions when you'll need to get them a present. A sex jar is the kind of gift that keeps on giving!
All you've got to do is go to a local arts and crafts store, get a big jar and (if you want) decorate it. Then attach a note that explains what it's for—maybe something along the lines of "Here's a piggy bank for all of the times you and yours are intimate. All you've got to do is put some money in it and watch the cash stack up!"
I'm telling you, out of all of the books I've read and tips I've given to married couples, this one right here is in the Top Five and continues to be a winner.
Reward yourself—and your spouse—with a sex jar. You definitely won't regret it!
Related Stories:
What I've Learned About My Vagina Since Getting Married - Read More
Is Scheduled Sex Really Better Than No Sex At All? - Read More
I Saved My Virginity For My Husband And Ended Up With Bad Sex - Read More
We Gave Up Sex After Having Our First Child - Read More
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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If you're ready to plan ahead, it's the perfect time to make December count in order to plan for a successful new year. Here are a few fun ideas to get you started.
1. Host a reflection party.
Hey, you could do this alone, but you could also make it fun and interactive by inviting friends or industry friends to reflect on the highs and the lows of the year. Create a theme, offer customized cocktails, and talk about what each of you has accomplished, reminisce on the fun times you've had, talk about the challenges you've faced, and set a few goals. Add in a few fun activities like vision boarding or career mapping.
You could also have one last girls trip and attend a conference or networking event together. After each session, take the time to put on pajamas and reflect on what was learned, who you met, and how you'll apply pressure in your careers next year.
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2. Declutter and reorganize.
If you haven't been purging throughout the year, December is a great time to get a head start. All those old clothes or shoes that you don't wear? Sell or donate them. If you need help, have a consultation with a professional organizer or watch a few good tutorials on Konmari methods.
Still holding on to furniture, appliances, or other home decor that really isn't functional, doesn't scream home for you, or needs an upgrade? Go thrifting, shop around, or treat yourself to interior decorating services.
If you can't afford to do any of those, move a few things around, repurpose your household items, or try DIYs. Sometimes a bit of paint or moving your home office into a different room can be small changes that lead to big differences in mood or convenience at home.
And, as mentioned before, invite a few friends, family, or bae, and make it another excuse to close out the year with good drinks, laughter, and connection.
3. Create a bucket list.
From your career to your personal life, it's good to write down your dream or must-do activities to get clear on what you want to accomplish in the new year and to serve as a nudge for accomplishment. And it doesn't have to be grand goals like "Save a million dollars," (though, if that's a bucket-list contender for you, go off, sis, and get that money.) It can be places you want to travel to, concerts you want to attend, professional development courses you want to take, or new adventurous experiences you want to enjoy.
One thing I like about bucket lists is that I don't approach them in the traditional way, where I feel pressure to do these things before the Lord calls me home. I like to think of a bucket list as a fun guideline that will help me get clear on what excites me, what I need to do to grow, and what challenges me to push past self-inflicted boundaries.
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4. Prioritize wellness.
If you've slacked off a bit or know you might be facing a few issues in the health and wellness department, now is the time to start prioritizing. Set those last appointments for a full physical, gynecological, or dermatologist visit, follow-up tests, or therapy for next year. Sign up for fun fitness classes and schedule a few visits to the spa while you're at it.
Block out time in your schedule for meditation, prayer, religious services, and exercise, and go ahead and change that calendar setting to "daily" or "weekly." Set email updates and other ways to remind yourself to put wellness at the top of your priority list leading into the new year.
If you're already pretty consistent with your fitness and wellness goals, try a new activity or incorporate new technology to level up a bit and challenge yourself more. Try a new skincare routine, join a running group, or learn a new activity that requires movement, such as dance, karate, or boxing. Mix things up a bit so that you can enrich your experience on the journey.
5. Take an honest look at your finances and adjust accordingly.
If you're reading this, I'm sure you know the importance and power of budgeting, no matter how much money you make. Getting into a habit of knowing exactly how much you earn and how you're spending those earnings is vital to your success and financial freedom. If you have goals for next year that will require a significant shift in your budget, you'll need to adjust.
Be realistic and account for the things you enjoy doing, your lifestyle, your debts, and your other financial obligations. If you have vacations or other big events planned, be sure your budget accommodates them or set goals in order to save up. If you've experienced a major transition such as a marriage, divorce, or addition to your family, take some time to reflect on how your income is impacted and what you might need to do to ease the transition when it comes to your pockets.
Research ways you can make residual income, how you can invest, start a side hustle, and prep for retirement. (As much as some of you would like to think you're too young to think about that, imagine how much more of a nest egg you'd have if you started saving for retirement in your 20s or 30s.)
And don't sleep on insurance beyond coverage for your car or healthcare. Life, long-term care, and disability insurance are important if you have children, want to be sure your loved ones are taken care of financially in the future, or if you want to protect assets such as your income, home, or business.
Think about your prep for next year holistically and start this December to ensure that you're going into 2024 with a mindset and intention for success.
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