Quantcast

I Saved My Virginity For My Husband And Ended Up With Bad Sex

While I don’t fully regret waiting until marriage to lose my virginity, I won’t say that if given the opportunity that I would do it again.

Sex Stories

I waited for this? I had saved my virginity until marriage and that was the thought that ran through my head as my then-husband climbed off of me, unaware of the disappointment that was building up inside.

For almost 25 years, I had held on to my virginity aka my prized possession, dodging advances from guys who I knew only wanted to get in between my thighs in hopes of finding “the one" who not only loved it, but loved me too. While many people no longer believe in celibacy and abstinence, I was raised in a family that valued conservative morals and grew up in the church, which often preaches waiting to have sex until marriage. I did not really date throughout high school because most boys I met focused on sex, which I wasn't interested in.

I wanted love.

I met my ex-husband my sophomore year at a Christian college. He seemed different: kind, sweet, and gentle. He never pressured me for sex and seemed incredibly understanding, and it didn't hurt that he wanted to be a pastor. During the four years of us dating, we never had intercourse, although we did engage in other acts of pleasure. I thought I was doing the "good Christian girl" thing by not having sex. Funny thing is, people often said that since we weren't having sex before marriage that I might end up with bad sex as a married virgin. Ultimately, it seems that they got the last laugh.

On Valentine's Day in 2011, he got down on one knee, and I was beyond elated. I had followed the plan—I went to school, got good grades, didn't date a lot, didn't party or do drugs, and certainly didn't have sex, so I made the decision that since I was finally engaged and going to spend the rest of my life with this man, I would unlock the chastity belt.

It finally happened one night when our guards were down and our intoxication levels up.

It wasn't sweet or romantic as I had imagined it would be.

In fact, it was completely unexpected. He still lived at home with his mom, but she was out of town on this particular night. The alcohol got the best of us as we fell into an awkward exploration of each other's bodies. At first I panicked—I didn't have a condom, and though we were engaged, I was still hesitant to share the part of me that I had held onto so dearly for so long. But he was prepared—he slipped his protection on, and I knew that there was no turning back from there.

It was good.

It was exciting.

It was new.

I was finally doing the thing I always wanted to do! And yet…it felt like something was missing. Although I was enjoying it, a part of me questioned whether there was something more that I should've been experiencing. Unlike me, it wasn't his first time having sex, so I was surprised that I lacked the feeling of ecstasy that so many of my friends had described. I just assumed it would get better as time went on. They say practice makes perfect, and after all, we were just getting started.

A couple of months later, we exchanged vows, and the honeymoon was nothing short of amazing. But I began to notice that I was a bit more adventurous than he was. I thought sex should be exciting and fun, but he seemed a bit more conservative. There were things I wanted to explore that he objected to, instead we stuck to the same positions and the same old routine. I tried approaching him on my lack of satisfaction, which only led to uncomfortable post-sex debriefings where he questioned the quality of the performance.

Throughout the years, I began to notice that our sex life was getting increasingly more boring each time we had sex. It got to the point where I found myself drinking alcohol just to enjoy it.

I found myself noticing our sexual incompatibility more often. We seemed to want different things and had different ideas of what was exciting. He valued foreplay, and I penetration. Before long, I began to realize that the unthinkable had happened—I saved myself for marriage to a guy that couldn't fulfill me sexually.

I tried to get creative to improve our sex life, but it wasn't working. Eventually, I had to accept that we were very incompatible sexually.

Sex had become a chore and something I did only when I had to.

As my marriage declined, sex became a means to an end: Maybe if I do it tonight we won't bicker and argue. Maybe I won't have to deal with his attitude. Maybe I'll get some space from him afterward.

But three years into our marriage, we found ourselves signing divorce papers.

It wasn't until I started dating again that I realized the joys of what sex could be, and where I may have went wrong with my ex-husband. My first encounter was with a good friend who I had a deep connection with. With him, I could let down my guard—I didn't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed as I did with my ex-husband. I realized that it was likely because with my ex, my weight was often criticized and my body critiqued in ways that expounded upon my already existing insecurities.

Not only was I lacking in experience, but I also felt unattractive to the one person I should've felt the most beautiful around. I would often retreat inside my head instead of enjoying the moment, and him being a more cerebral person, he did the same.

As I started dating I began to learn more about who I was both sexually and as a woman. As a virgin, I had no idea that I valued a man who could dominate in the bedroom, just as I did everyday in my workplace. I didn't know that I needed an alpha-male, and my ex was everything but one. It became more obvious to me that the signs of our incompatibility were there all along. He was an introvert who preferred a routine life with little spontaneity. I am an extrovert and a go-getter always looking forward to the next challenge—something new.

As hard as it is to admit, I had subconsciously settled for the good guy with the bad sex, not because we were truly in love, but because we were convenient and safe for one another.

While I don't fully regret waiting until I found my husband to lose my virginity, I won't say that if given the opportunity that I would do it again. I know people say that you can teach your partner what you like and learn more about what turns them on, and I completely agree. However, it requires mutual desire from both parts. Unfortunately, that was not my reality.

I saved myself for my husband and was disappointed, yet as unpleasant of an experience as it was, I am thankful for it. I learned to let my inhibitions go, stop judging myself through his eyes, and own and accept my sexuality.

In a sense, it was the sexual imprisonment in my marriage that ultimately lead to my freedom.

- As Told To Kiah McBride

You know what? Sometimes, you've got to push a few coins aside and determine in your mind that you're going to invest into your sex life (if you had a sex jar, this would be easier to do, by the way. You can read more about what that is all about here). If you're someone who is totally down to do that, but you don't have a clue where to begin, boy have you come to the right place! Between the joy of being a writer who sometimes gets samples sent to me, the constant research that I do for the couples I work with and having folks shout-out certain items semi-often, I've compiled a list of 12 sex-related items that may seem random AF (a pun is kind of intended there) and, at the same time, can make sex so much better between you and your partner. Where's your pad at? You're definitely gonna wanna take note.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about someone who once told me that they had an annual week-long summer rendezvous that lasted for over 15 years with someone else. Yep — this individual would meet up with another person who lived in a different state, solely to have sex for a week straight, and then return to their city as if nothing ever happened. According to them, the only reason why this ritual romp eventually came to an end is because the other person decided to get serious about someone else; however, it wasn't until it ended that the person who told me the story realized how attached they actually had become to their sex partner (a cautionary tale). After I completed my lil' tale, my friend simply said, "Oh, I do that s — t every cuffing season. There are some people who I only talk to around this time of year, we f — k around and then that's that until the season comes around again."

Keep reading... Show less

How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks about love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.

When it comes to sexuality, there have always been societal limitations centered on what is "acceptable." However, with more honest conversations about how fluid sexuality and sexual expression can be, now there are so many more opportunities for self-exploration and taking back ownership of our identities again. One couple that is living their truth and being sexual beings unapologetically while living and loving their lives are Jasmine Johnson and King Noire.

Keep reading... Show less

I'm so excited because one of my favorite unscripted shows is back. OWN's Ready to Love is a dating series that follows professionals over 30, looking for long-lasting relationships. Hosted by Nephew Tommy, it follows singles who desire true connections and are grouped together to find them.

Keep reading... Show less

Social media influencer and actress Tabitha Brown has garnered viral fame through her inspirational and vegan videos on Instagram, thanks to her cheerful personality and infectious smile. Now, she is entering a new phase in her life as an author. The 42-year-old released Feeding the Soul on Sept. 28 and recently shared an emotional video of herself after finding out her book was number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Jill Scott Talks Balance, 'Highway To Heaven' & Not Burning Herself Out To Produce

In this exclusive, the actress dishes on executive producing the reboot, and balancing business and motherhood.

Latest Posts