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A Prayer Stopped Me From Losing My Virginity To The Wrong Person
I'm a 24-year-old business professional living in Atlanta, and I am a virgin.
Yes, a virgin. Admittedly I kept my virginity so long primarily due to the horror stories I witnessed while growing up. You know, the girl that loses her virginity and gets pregnant, or the one that gets the eggplant and goes fruit (yes ladies, eggplant is a fruit). Crazy. But the bigger reason is because the guy that I considered my first love always managed to do something stupid right as I was willing to let down the iron vault to my most prized possession. And this last time was no different.
I have been a "situationship" for nine years. I met my ex in middle school and we began dating when we were 15. We fell in like, then love, and then broke up like dramatic teenagers throughout high school. The odd thing about it is that I always cared very deeply about him. He loved me when I was that awkward natural girl in high school (like when Target barely carried a whole shelf, let alone a whole aisle, of natural hair care products), to when he drove ten plus hours to pick me up after my first year of college when he found out that my mother and my only living parent passed away from double pneumonia.
He was even there when I crossed in my sorority that following fall. He loved me when he enlisted in the army, and would make sure to see me every time he was on leave. He was literally there through every high and low moment of my life, which is why it was so damn hard to leave him alone even though my gut and my faith told me otherwise.
Now, I am not the most religious person, but I have a fairly decent relationship with the Lord. And my relationship is what made me decide to pray for clarity.
You ever pray for that kind of clarity where you hope God will manifest himself to you in a way to say, "You see this, this isn't it"? Well, that was/still is me.
Every single time I allowed this man back into my life I kept thinking to myself that it was because "God wanted us to be together." I falsely thought that when I was praying for clarity, the fact that I made him stay in my life, that it was God showing me the truth. That he was, in fact, the one that I was meant to be with.
This thought process was no different when I finally made the decision that I wanted to lose my virginity, and no less, to this man on a weekend where we had already planned to meet up. You see, I had never been the one to save my virginity for marriage, I more so kept it this long because I was waiting for the right person to come along and for someone who I thought deserved it to have all of me. So it was no surprise that after all of this time, I thought that my first love should be given the ultimate privilege.
Once I mulled over my decision, I told my best girlfriends who were way more experienced and in some way had become his cheerleader. I then told my older sister, who giggled like a little schoolgirl and gave me some tips.
I thought I was ready.
I had the condoms stashed in drawer in my bedroom, made sure that I got my monthly wax within the right amount of days, and just waited for our meeting. In the meantime, New Years was vastly approaching, and on New Years as the clock hit 11:59pm and I happened to be in the bathroom of my sister's friend's apartment, I decided to pray. I prayed for all of the things that many single, career-minded women pray for. But at the end of my prayer, I surprised myself and prayed for clarity AND the ability to act on said clarity in a way that was not just befitting or aligning with what I wanted. At that time I didn't realize it, but my prayer manifested into something I would've never imagined.
A few days later, on the second of January, I get a text from my ex that read:
"I'm married."
As I read this text, I could feel my heart fall down into my feet and I responded by asking 21 questions. Soon thereafter, my ex literally sent a text that says "Girl GTFOH, that was one of my soldiers messing with my phone. Why wouldn't I tell you something like that?" I immediately without another thought gave a sigh of relief, and then questioned why I felt so heartbroken in the first place. I didn't allow myself to answer that last question, as I had already moved on to the fact that we were set to meet the next day.
January 3rd came along, and I got up and went to church with my friend. While there, I made another prayer for clarity asking for the same type of clarity that I've mentioned prior. As I was leaving church, my ex called me, asked for my address, which I sent to him. He then called me to ask about the exit number to one of the Interstates in Atlanta, I told him that I don't go by exit numbers, our line got disconnected and I realized that I got a text message from him. The text message read:
"I lied, I am married, I got married on December 22nd of 2014 to __ I've dated her for a while. I'm sorry I misled you and lied to my wife."
As I read this message out loud to my roommate who noticed the look of shock on my face, I realized a few things that are not so obvious:
- He married this woman a month after breaking up with me.
- He had been sending me a whole bunch of Jodeci kind of groveling emails and text messages the whole time they had been together.
You can understand my utter confusion, disgust, and disappointment. I proceeded to call him, to no avail, as he had been too much of a coward to answer my calls. After downing a bottle of wine by my lonesome and writing a scathing email (that I decided not to send because I don't want to block my blessings by cutting someone else down), I sent him a quick "you are dead to me" three-liner email and continued with my Sunday.
I am still going through my stages of grieving and listening to "Let It Flow" by Toni Braxton on repeat, but I've realized that I am grateful because I literally am all out of tears, which lets me know that I can finally close this chapter. I'm grateful because I can walk away without regret of losing one of the few things I can NEVER have back. I am grateful that I asked God to listen to me, and not only did He listen, but He showed me who dude really was.
Most importantly, I am grateful because I FINALLY listened, not to my heart, but to what God was telling me by putting me in this situation. I also have decided to use this whole situation as a good experience notch on my dating belt because the biggest thing that I realized after the dust settled on my anger, sadness and disappointment, was the fact that if I feel the need to pray for clarity on my relationship with someone, maybe it's not meant to be. And that within itself was all of the clarity that I needed.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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