

7 Things Your Marriage (Especially) Needs During The Holiday Season
We all know how the song goes. As we move, full speed ahead into Thanksgiving and then Christmas, it's considered to be "the most wonderful time of the year" for so many. Still, if we're gonna get really real about it all, preparing for the holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year too; especially when it comes to married folks who are trying to proactively care for their relationship, maintain their daily lifestyle and figure out how they are gonna pull each special day off with as little drama as possible.
So, whether this is your first year as husband and wife or your 20th, I thought I would share some tips that I offer up to some of my clients whenever they find themselves looking for ways to navigate through the holiday season, so that there can literally be peace on earth (at least in your house) well through New Year's Day. That said, if there are seven things that you and yours definitely need right about now, these would be it.
1. A Budget
It's not a secret that I don't observe holidays, so that might play a role in what I'm about to say yet lawd, y'all — if there are two instances where I don't get the method in the madness behind going way over budget, it's when it comes to weddings and the holiday season. Spending hundreds or thousands more than you can afford and/or going over your credit card limit for literally just a few minutes of "oohing" and "ahhing" — is it worth it come a month later and you to figure out which bills to dodge?
I recently read that 86 percent of millennials overspent last holiday season and damn, that was during the peak of our pandemic. Meanwhile, a leading cause of divorce continues to be financial stress. Marriage can be challenging enough without choosing to do things that will only cultivate more strain. So, if you and yours don't already have a budget for this holiday season, don't you think now would be as good a time as any to put one together? Amen.
Doing things like coming up with a mutually agreed-upon limit, listing expenses beforehand, deciding to only use cash (meaning no credit cards), taking advantage of online Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, and not waiting until the last minute (we tend to be more reckless with our spending whenever we are rushing) are just a few ways that you can pull this particular "relational benefit" off.
2. “Honesty Hour”
If one of you doesn't like each other's parents. If one of you doesn't want to do the whole "holiday scene" this year. If one of you is sick of asking for a particular item as a present, only for your spouse to do whatever they want to do anyway, this would be the time to bring it up — lovingly and gingerly, of course, but up nonetheless. While some people seem to think that internalizing real feelings is the way to go in order to "keep the peace," really all it ends up doing is delaying the time for when someone ends up snapping…BIG TIME.
One of the best things about marriage is you signed up to join your life with someone who you can be your complete and total self with — this includes when it comes to sharing your very real feelings, whether it's easy to hear or not. Besides, fake grinning through Thanksgiving or passively aggressively taking out your frustration on your partner during Christmas because you never said what you were thinking or worried about beforehand is unfair to them and your relationship. A part of what comes with love is honesty. As it relates to whatever is potentially or currently stressing you out, state your case. Also, determine to be a safe place to do the same in return. It's only right.
3. United Boundaries
A united front. Have mercy, can we get couples to have this more often? This is actually a part of the reason why I said that you and yours need to be completely honest with each other; it's because, that way, you can both share your feelings and concerns and then come up with what boundaries need to be set so that you both can feel good — or at least better — about what could cause one or both of you to be anxious or upset otherwise. If you can't stand your mother-in-law, you and your husband need to decide how long she can stay. If he doesn't want to go to every holiday work event, you and your husband need to talk about which one(s) is the most important to you. If there are new traditions that the both of you have created, ones that your family members don't care for, you need to stand firm together so that you're not gaslit or manipulated into backing down when it comes to people trying to tell you what to do in your own house.
Sometimes, the cause of aftermath contention between married couples, following the holidays, is one or both individuals feeling like the other didn't totally have their back. Chile listen, if there is one time, especially when firm boundaries need to be set and honored by both spouses, it's during the holidays. And it's so much harder to feel disrespected or overlooked when your partner stands firm with you. Make sure that you both are on the same page, OK? Excellent.
4. Time Off of the (Holiday) Grid
Let me tell it, one of the things that adds so much pressure to people during this time of the year is you've basically got 4-6 weeks to cram in so much of what you typically don't give much credence to until that window of time arrives. Then, all you're thinking about is spending money, cleaning the house, and getting your mind right for having company. And the more incessant focus that you put into something, the more anxious it can cause you to become. That's why it's always a good idea to create a weekly checklist of things that need to be taken care of in preparation for each holiday.
Also, make sure to schedule in some time when you and your spouse are doing anything and everything but talking about or paying for holiday-related stuff. Whenever I'm talking to engaged couples, I tell them the same thing about weddings. Special occasions should always be seen as a part of your world…never all of it.
5. Steal Away Moments
Something that I oftentimes recommend to couples who have kids is, if they are hosting family members in their home, they need to take advantage of that and either go on a date one night or even book a hotel room so that they can get some (I'm pretty sure) much-needed quality time in.
Listen, whether you adore or can't stand some of your (or his) relatives, I'm pretty sure a common ground that everyone has is love for your children. You can get a break from all parties involved by having them watch the kids so that you and yours can hang on, veg out or sex it all the way up.
6. Your Own Traditions
I know some married people who spend Christmas alone at home and then travel to see family the day after. I know some married people who don't observe Thanksgiving at all (because I agree with them that it is pretty Columbus Day 2.0 if you catch my drift) and instead hang out with family members on Black Friday. I know some married people who don't do the gift thing and give to those in need instead.
The bottom line here is, one of the many cool things about being married and having your own home is, you can have the biggest turkey or not one at all. You can have the biggest Christmas tree or not one at all. You can act like you are Christmas-on-crack or not observe at all. You can do gift exchanges on Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, or heck, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if you want, or nix gift-giving altogether. And you know what? The more you settle into the fact that you have the power to do the holidays however you want and that the only way you can really be "peer pressured" into following other people's traditions is if you allow that to happen, the more you can actually get excited around this time of year because so much of how you approach it is totally within your control.
7. Flexibility
Actor Jane Krakowski once said, "You can have a plan, but you have to be flexible. Every day is unpredictable, and you just have to go with the flow." Every day is unpredictable. Whew, can you just imagine how many marriages could be saved if folks stopped being so stuck on how they wish things would go and instead learned to adapt to how things are going?
If there's a common key to the success and longevity of serious relationships, it's the ability to compromise and you can't do that if you aren't a flexible person. Sure, making plans is fine. All I'm saying is, touch base with your spouse from time to time, just to make sure that both of you have resigned to control what you can control and then to kind of chill out and go with the flow beyond that.
Because no matter what, the holiday season is gonna happen and it's going to come and go, just like every other year. Being willing to adapt to shifts and changes can make the time so much easier — on you personally and on your relationship. Happy Holidays, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Your October 2023 Horoscopes Are All About Transformation & Finding Balance
With two Eclipses happening this month, this is one of the powerhouse months of 2023 and one that will be unforgettable for many. The month begins in Libra Season, and with Mercury also entering Libra on October 4th. When Mercury is in Libra, the focus is on keeping the peace, creating harmony, and finding the beauty in life. Relationships, finances, pleasure, and creation are all the focus during Libra Season, and this month overall will be creating a lot of positive change in these areas of life.
What October 2023 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
On October 8th, Venus moves into earth sign Virgo, and love takes on a more serious and grounded tone here. Venus in Virgo has high standards and wants the best of the best. There is a possibility of becoming overly critical in love or relationships with this energy, however overall, Venus in Virgo will be focused on letting go of unhealthy behaviors in love and creating more positive ways of relating, giving, and receiving in relationships. A few days later, Pluto goes direct in Capricorn after going retrograde in Aquarius back in May, and fewer power struggles and obstacles are more likely.
With Pluto direct in Capricorn, it is easier to reach your goals, build success, and see your own self-empowerment in it all.
On October 12th, Mars enters Scorpio, and Mars loves being in this water sign as it’s the ruler of Scorpio. Mars in Scorpio is passionate and direct and heats things up when it comes to your relationships. Mars will be in Scorpio until November 24th, and a spark is definitely being lit. A few days later, we have a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Libra.
This Solar Eclipse is creating a fresh start in love, but may also be bringing things to the forefront that are uncomfortable to see. A Solar Eclipse in Libra is relationship-oriented, and this is where you will be seeing the most impact now.
Before the month ends, Mercury enters Scorpio on October 22nd, Scorpio Season begins on the 23rd, and there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Taurus on October 28th. The end of October is when a lot of big moves are being made, and transformations are occurring, and it’s about letting go of baggage before moving forward again. The Lunar Eclipse in Taurus is another eclipse that has an impact on relationships, as both Libra and Taurus are ruled by Venus, the planet of love.
Through what is changing and transforming in some of your close relationships, this energy suggests there is greater love on the other side of it. Find gratitude in where you are, and stand in hope and self-belief for where you want to be.
Your October 2023 Monthly Horoscopes
ARIES
Your strength is needed this month, Aries. During October, the Sun is in Libra, meaning the Sun is in your 7th house. The 7th house is the house of love and relationships, but it’s also the house of open enemies and opposition. This month, you will be finding your balance between the opening you are seeing in your life right now and what still needs to be built.
On October 14th, there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse in this area of your chart, the 7th house, and this is an impactful time for you emotionally. The intentions you have been setting in your love life and financially are creating a new scene for you. This is a good month to do more of the things that make you happy, to get creative, and to notice the beauty in your life. Before the month ends, your ruling planet, Mars, moves into your 8th house, and things get deep and even more emotional for you moving into November.
TAURUS
October is a month of reflection for you, Taurus. There is a lot happening this month and a lot happening for you personally, yet you are taking the time to tend to your inner world and recreate your safe spaces. With Venus in a fellow earth sign and in your 5th house of romance for most of this month, you will be sure to have plenty of love in your life to help you through some of the downtime you are getting in October.
Mars moves into your house of love on October 12th, and this is heating things up for you in your relationships and sex life. Fuel your passions and notice what is lighting you up inside right now. Before the month ends, on October 28th, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your sign, and you are going through some major life changes. You are closing one chapter of your life of self-discovery and moving forward with a new view of yourself and the world around you.
GEMINI
This month is all about letting go, Gemini. You are moving through a time of releasing what has been filling your world with more chaos and confusion than clarity and are paving a new path for yourself. Your ruling planet, Mercury, is in your house of happiness for most of this month, and you are really thinking of the things that your heart wants and expressing yourself through this space of openness as well. Communication channels are exciting for you this month.
On October 14th, the New Moon Eclipse will be highlighting all of the energy of love you have been feeling this month and will be helping you hone in on your creative passions and hobbies as well. This month is surprising you on how well things turn out when you let go of what isn’t working. The second eclipse of the month is on the 28th, and this one for you is about laying the past to rest once and for all and giving yourself time to heal and process.
CANCER
October is an activating month for you, Cancer. There are some eye-opening moments happening, and a lot of things are coming to a head. The energy of the month is about letting things find their place and allowing yourself to be okay in the process. Venus is in your 3rd house of communication for most of this month, and you will be able to communicate more freely how you are feeling and what you need in your relationships right now.
With the Sun in Libra and in your 4th house for most of October, home is really where the heart is right now. Spending time in comfortable environments where you feel the most at ease is nourishing. Before the month ends, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your 11th house of community, and things are coming full circle for you. Lean on your support systems and community for an extra hand, and know that you deserve to take up space.
LEO
This is a month of things moving forward for you, Leo. Patience is still needed, as things may not be moving as quickly as expected, however, they are moving nonetheless, and you are leaving the space of stagnation you have been feeling the past couple of months. Openings are coming into your life, and with Venus now in your 2nd house, you are able to capitalize on what you have been investing in and claim your abundance.
The Solar Eclipse happening mid-month will be awakening something within you when it comes to expressing yourself. You are breaking free from fears, limitations, and self-judgments and seeing yourself as someone who deserves to be heard. The Sun is also in this area of your chart until the end of the month, and you have all the support from the universe right now to speak up and speak your truths.
VIRGO
October is a month of blessings for you, Virgo. This year has been a year of a lot of ups and downs for you, and in the second half of this year, you really get to settle into more stability and positive fruition. You are being guided to use your instincts wisely this month, however, so as to keep blessings rolling. Your ruling planet, Mercury, will be in your 2nd house of income for most of the month, as well as the Sun, and financially, this is a really good month for you.
On October 8th, Venus moves into your sign, and you are receiving and feeling the love right now. Venus will be in your sign until November 8th, and over the next month, this is a good time for your relationships and business, receiving positive feedback, and putting yourself out there. On October 28th, there is a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse happening in your 9th house of adventure, and you could be seeing some travel or education plans coming to fruition now. You are really ready to enjoy how far you have come this month.
LIBRA
This month is all about creating your dreams, Libra. This is an exciting month for you and one where you are healing your inner child, gaining a new perspective, and manifesting your life. Libra Season is fully underway, and this is an impactful Libra Season for you, as there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your sign on the 14th. This Solar Eclipse is your time to shine, to bring your dreams to the forefront, and to let go of the past that doesn’t resonate with you anymore. It’s all about the vision this month; focus on the best one for yourself.
With the Sun and Mercury in your 1st house of self for most of the month and Venus in your 12th house of closures, you are finding your balance between the new and the old. You know there is a lot to release emotionally in your life still, but you are also giving yourself the space and freedom to soak in the good that has already arrived and making you happy right now. On October 23rd, Libra Season ends, and you are ready to focus more on your plans for the future.
SCORPIO
October is a month of rebirth for you, Scorpio. This is one of the most powerful months for you and one where you are starting fresh in many ways. Mercury is in your house of endings for most of the month, and your mind is focused on your spirituality, finding solutions, and letting go of perspectives and habits that don’t serve you or your health. Through the transformations that are occurring right now, new life is coming to fruition.
Mars and Mercury both enter your sign before Scorpio Season begins on the 23rd, and by the end of October, the energy moves from release to receive. You have more energy at your disposal when Mars is in your sign, and you are moving through a time of passion, action, and making things happen for yourself. This Scorpio Season for you is one where you are creating a new life for yourself and following the dreams you left to the wayside.
SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius, October is all about the heart and about showing up. This month for you is a time of support, friendship, and community, and a time where you are really discovering who your people are. You are awakening to what your inner child needs to heal and are seeking forgiveness this month. This is a time for you to move toward a new path in your life, one that feels more fulfilling for you and your well-being.
Venus is in Virgo and in your 10th house of career this month, and you are seeing some positive changes within your professional world. You are being received especially favorably right now, and this is a good month to ask for a promotion, network, or redefine your career goals. On October 14th, there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your 11th house, and your hopes and dreams are coming true for you. The clarity you gain this month is life-changing.
CAPRICORN
This month is all about patience, finding your peace, and exploring the world, Capricorn. You are focusing a lot on your belief systems, your intentions, and what goals you have set for yourself and your life. Venus is in your 9th house of adventure for most of the month, and you are really thinking about the big picture right now. You are doing more things differently this time of the year, thinking outside of the box and allowing your intentions to come to fruition.
On October 10th, Pluto goes direct in your sign. Pluto retrograde entered your sign in June, and you finally get to settle into the transformations that have been occurring since then. You’ve had a lot of moments of self-clarity and change, but now you are ready to live in this space and experience fewer changes to your environment. On October 28th, there is a Full Moon Eclipse happening, and this Lunar Eclipse is a time of love coming full circle for you. Relationships are developing at the end of October, and you are letting go of the past in love.
AQUARIUS
October is all about allowing life to unfold effortlessly, Aquarius. The path of least resistance is the most rewarding one, and this month, you are tapping into your inner faith. You have truly been trusting the process, and with the Sun in your 9th house for most of the month, the divine guidance is there for you right now. This month is about trusting that things are coming together for you and enjoying your life how you can right now.
On October 14th, there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening, and this eclipse is helping you build new foundations in your life. You have goals you want to set, places you want to see, and people you want to meet, and this eclipse is highlighting all of that for you. The second eclipse of the month is happening on the 28th, and this Lunar Eclipse is about letting things settle in, finding your ground, and nourishing your inner world. You are going within a lot this month, and through the new insight you have found, you are ready to make some concrete decisions that have been needed.
PISCES
October is a time of compassion, nurture, and love, Pisces. You are putting the love into your life and feeling this energy come back to you as well. Venus is in Virgo, your opposite sign, for most of the month, and this is good energy when it comes to your relationships and your love life. Your focus is on the people in your life and where you want things to grow in love, and you are putting in the effort to make your dreams come true for you here.
With the Sun also in your 8th house of commitments for most of the month, another love area of your chart, you can expect this to be a more emotional month for you. You are getting vulnerable, expressing where you stand, and creating a new slate for yourself in love. On October 28th, there is a Full Moon Eclipse happening in your 3rd house of communication, and the messages and insights you have been looking for are coming in.
The end of the month is a busier time for you, and you will be suddenly seeing everything you want to do and plan right now.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole