When it comes to sex and self-pleasure, we typically rely on trial and error to discover what feels good. And though that can spell instant sexual chemistry and orgasms galore for some, sexual intimacy in solo sex and partnered sex is something we have to work at more times than not. Sexual needs differ, sexual incompatibility comes into play, and sometimes the inability to communicate what those needs and differences are can lead to frustration, lack of satisfaction, and overall lack of intimacy. But what if you could apply language to the way you approach intimacy in sexual relationships and self-pleasure? Well, there is power in the tongue and, turns out, there’s power in learning what your Erotic Blueprint type is, too.
Similar to the way love languages and apology languages are important tools in how we communicate and understand intimacy, Erotic Blueprints can be transformative to one’s self-relationship as well as their relationship with others. Jaiya, award-winning somatic sexologist and creator of the Erotic Blueprints, says they are an arousal map to more pleasure, more understanding, deeper connection, and deeper satisfaction. “When you expand into who you really are you can own your pleasure. When we are living our pleasure, we are no longer at odds with life and there is a whole new level of satisfaction in all of life, not just in the bedroom."
The Healing Power of Erotic Blueprints
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There is sometimes a mind-body-soul disconnect we experience due to a lack of knowledge of our true selves that can lead to discontentment in the self-relationship and our intimate relationships. Jaiya says the end result is surface-level experiences that don’t even crack the surface of how powerful our solo and partnered sex lives can truly be. “When we don’t know what turns us on, we don’t know how to ask for it,” she explains. “When we don’t have a language or teaching on how to uncover what turns us on, we stay stuck in shame and guilt, and silence around sex.”
In that way, Erotic Blueprints are rooted in so much more than sex. The framework in relationships is so transformative because “when we know ourselves and we know another more deeply, we are able to really honor who we are and who another is in that moment in time. When we honor another person, they feel seen, heard, and deeply loved for who they are," she adds. Therein lies the healing capabilities of this work.
In our adult relationships, we often seek the things that we lacked from parents and caretakers in our childhood. On healing from attachment issues, Jaiya says, “It gives us permission to be ourselves and love ourselves, and sex is one of those places where we often judge, criticize, and shame. It’s often the final frontier of personal growth.”
What Are The 5 Erotic Blueprints?
The Erotic Blueprints are comprised of five types: Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky, and Shapeshifter. To learn your primary type, take the basic quiz here. Jaiya also says you should “listen to what your body likes and doesn’t like. Think about the five blueprints and notice, during sexual play or based on your history, where things line up for you.”
Below, Jaiya provides insights into each Erotic Blueprint type, their respective superpowers (pros), and their shadow sides or aspects (cons).
1. Energetic
The Energetic Erotic Blueprint type “is turned on by anticipation, space, tease, and longing. They love to yearn. Their superpower is that they are very sensitive to the point of being able to orgasm without being touched. Hypersensitivity can cause them to ‘short-circuit’ and become turned off because it is too much sensation, too fast and their arousal system shuts down.”
Slow and steady wins the race for the Energetic type. In order to speak their language, Jaiya advises, “Play with more tease, light touch on the body and with consciously giving more spaciousness for ‘turn on’ to turn into begging for more.”
2. Sensual
A Sensual type “is someone who is turned on by all of their senses being ignited. Their superpower is that they bring beauty and sensuality to the sexual experience. The shadow side of the Sensual is that they get caught in their heads and stop feeling what is happening in their body. They lose their presence and get lost in ‘to-do’ lists, for example.”
Sensual types really crave the sensory benefits that come with being fully present. To combat that, “it’s important to have what I call ‘Toggles,’ things that help you transition from the mundane tasks of life to the erotic realm… things like getting a massage, having a hot bath with rose petals, eating some chocolate, doing something relaxing and snuggly.”
3. Sexual
The Sexual Erotic Blueprint type is “someone who is turned on by what we think of as 'sex' in our culture (nudity, orgasms, penetration, etc.) Their superpower is that they can go from zero to sixty in their arousal and that they love the simplicity of sexuality. The shadow side is that they lose the journey and all the other wonderful flavors of the experience because they focus too much on a limited definition of sex and the end goal.”
The key to tapping into the Sexual type's power is expansion. Because they can sometimes be tied to a very limited perspective of what sex is and what sex looks like, elevation looks like thinking less and dipping and dabbling into understanding other Erotic Blueprints more. “Just go for it,” Jaiya suggests. “Hang out naked. Give yourself or your lover direct touch.”
4. Kinky
The Kinky type “is turned on by what they define as taboo. There are two types of Kinky - one is psychological, meaning that the turn-on is more about the power dynamics or the role-play (more in their minds), the other is someone who is turned on by the sensation of kink (spanking, impact play, feelings of ropes, etc). Some people have a mix of both types. The superpower of the Kinky is that they are endlessly creative and can also have orgasmic experiences that have nothing to do with intercourse. On the shadow side, there is usually a lot of shame for having ‘out of the box’ desires and that shame can turn into distress.”
Jaiya notes, “For the Kinky, there’s a whole world to explore! This is really a place to find out what you deeply enjoy. Explore a bunch of different sensations from scratch to slaps to different temperatures. Get creative.”
5. Shapeshifter
“A Shapeshifter is someone who is turned on by all of it. They love all the flavors and lots of variety. Their superpower is that they can be great lovers because they can shift to please any of the Erotic Blueprint Types. On the shadow side, they have been told they are too much and because they can shift to please they are often starving when it comes to their own sexual needs.”
For the uninitiated, this may seem true. But for the erotically intelligent, there is no such thing as a Shapeshifter type being too much. Create time and space for yourself. “Shapeshifters love variety, so give yourself a lot of different ways to play in every Blueprint,” Jaiya suggests. “Make sure you set aside ample time for yourself to really indulge in the exploration.”
How to Navigate Different Erotic Blueprint Types
What’s beautiful about this arousal map framework is that there isn’t necessarily an ideal match. In fact, if you find that your Erotic Blueprint type(s) differs from your partner’s, it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Speaking or being fluent in one language doesn’t mean you can’t become fluent or learn to speak another. Like with any skill, it can be honed on and improved upon. The participants just have to be willing to journey through the doing the work to speak one another’s arousal language. Jaiya breaks down this journey into four phases: Healing, Feeding, Speaking and Expanding.
"We need to heal the shadow aspects of our Blueprints that put the brakes on our arousal," she explains. "Here is an opportunity that as we HEAL, we also feed our Blueprints so that we are not depleted and starving, and also to FEED our lover’s Blueprints which is a skill we can learn to do. We also can learn to SPEAK each other’s languages. And eventually, as we learn a new Blueprint we EXPAND into that Blueprint. This means that the Blueprint that once was not a turn-on becomes our own turn-on.”
The end result leads to a positive impact on your relationships and your sex lives. To maximize that healing and growth, Jaiya recommends that couples join a sex-positive community, sign up for an online course together, or hire a sexuality coach to help to navigate potential challenges.
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The Fall Staples It Girls From Coast To Coast Are Already Wearing
When it comes to trends, It girls lead, they don’t follow. Keeping one finger on the pulse of fashion and the other on their instincts, it’s their innate ability to dress to the beat of their own heart that makes them stand out amongst everyone else around them.
These women are ahead of their time, forecasting what will eventually be adopted by the masses often years in advance. In most cases, buying into trending items is just a by-product of their love of fashion, however, it's never the key ingredient of a memorable outfit.
As we transition from summer to fall, there’s no need to spend too many coins curating a brand new seasonal wardrobe, especially in this economy. Instead of shopping targeted ads, we interviewed fashion-forward influencers to spark our imagination and gather insight on what they’re already wearing leading into the upcoming season. Keep scrolling to get the scoop on essential items these fashion-forward women are looking forward to wearing this fall.
Helecia Williams, Houston
Comfort
Helecia’s style in three words: “Structured, bold, and explorative.”
Helecia’s outfit inspiration: “I am most interested in comfort as a trend. I am truly enjoying the mix of flats with elevated outfits and the incorporation of street-style elements into the looks. I have seen so much juxtaposition that makes the outfits interesting and intriguing. I love the pairing of fitted caps with [suits] and ballet flats. That mashup is impeccable, and we saw some of that peeking through last fall, and now it's taken on a life of its own.
"As a sneaker lover and comfort sneakers, bringing back flats is just a reimagination of past trends with a fresh twist.”
What color(s) is on Helecia’s fall mood board: “Hands down, red! It's such a bold and bossy color. Now, we see it becoming much more accessible in fashion and realize how easy it is to style and incorporate into a look for that extra pop. It also pairs well with so many other shades and tones. Some of my favorite combos are red and burgundy, red and yellow, and red and brown. Even if you aren't fully convinced that it's the color of the season and still have reservations about it, you can go classic and incorporate it in an accessory or makeup like a red lip.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? “I will be returning and recycling all of my 2023 fall wardrobe and just styling it differently or giving it new life. Despite my love for trends, I've curated a wardrobe that I love so I will mix the old in with the new. And not to toot my own horn but a lot of my fashion moments are ahead of the times and still very relevant for this upcoming fall. Expect to see tons of texture, juxtaposition, unexpected color combos, and street style.”
How Helecia is accessorizing this season: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is bold jewelry, particularly in gold. I've realized that accessories can do wonders, and the Schiaparelli era has me shook. I am a ‘Stan’ of Shop Khoi, a Black-owned jewelry brand that creates some of the most amazing, high-quality fashion jewelry. It just sets off any outfit no matter how simple it may be and easily becomes a conversation piece.”
Courtney Blackwell, New York City
Courtney’s style in three words: “Vintage, oversize, and sexy.”
Courtney’s most anticipated fall fashion items: “The fashion item I am anticipating wearing is vintage leather in all colors!”
Courtney's color picks for fall: “Cherry reds, forest greens, and different shades of gray.”
The trend that has Courtney in a chokehold this season: “Skirts! I’ve never been a skirt girly, well mini skirts girly, but I think I’m going to step it up with the minis this fall.”
Shaniqua Jordan, New York City
Timeless
Shaniqua’s personal styling tip for fall: “I hate to admit it, but the one trend that has me in a chokehold this fall is any oversized outerwear piece, especially oversized blazers. And as basic as it may sound, I can't get enough of them. They instantly elevate any look, and they're so versatile, whether I'm going for a polished vibe or something more casual. Plus, they are perfect for layering as the weather cools down.
"I know most people wouldn't typically opt for suede, but if you've been following my style, you know I'm all about my outerwear. I love adding texture to my looks, even if it's subtle, and a good suede jacket does that for me. The soft texture and rich hues of suede add that cherry on top for any fall look. Whether I'm rocking a bomber style in a jewel tone or a tailored trench in a neutral shade, a suede jacket is one piece I'm looking forward to wearing to elevate my fall wardrobe.”
These colors are all over Shaniqua’s fall mood board: “The colors on my fall mood board are rich earth tones like deep browns and olive greens paired with classic neutrals like camel and cream. I'd like to throw in a pop of butter yellow. I know it might seem more spring-like, but I love how it pairs with deep browns, oxblood, and even grays. It's the perfect way to brighten up those cozy, moody fall vibes. I'm also loving pops of bold jewel tones like emerald and burgundy to add a bit of luxe to the season. These shades give that cozy yet elevated feel I'm always aiming for in my fall wardrobe.”
Shaniqua describes her fall wardrobe in three words: “If I describe my fall wardrobe in three words, they would be chic, layered, and timeless. I love combining unique pieces with a classic touch, creating looks that stand out without trying too hard. It's all about finding that perfect balance between staying true to timeless fashion and adding my own signature flair.”
Are you bringing anything back from your 2023 fall wardrobe? "I am definitely an outfit repeater, so not only will I bring back pieces from my 2023 fall wardrobe, but I also have so many oldies but goodies that I’ll be incorporating into my fall 2024 looks. I think that's what really helps convey my personal style; buying pieces I genuinely love and being able to work them into my style season after season. It's all about longevity and staying true to what I love."
Alasia Allen, Los Angeles
Provocative
Alasia describes her style in three words: “Opulent, sleek, provocative.”
The fashion item Alasia anticipates wearing the most this fall: “I’m really into gloves this season. Whether it’s biker style or long, sleek, leather gloves, they add an interesting take to a fall look.”
The fall colors catching Alasia’s eye: “I’m loving navy or a super deep purple this season so I’ll be adding those into my wardrobe. They’re both so sophisticated and a good alternative to black.”
The fall staple Alaisa plans to bring back from her 2023 wardrobe: “Every year, I wear a shearling coat. It’s timeless, it’s warm, it’s my thing. There’s something very elevating about shearlings that have drawn to me year after year, and that’s what makes them my favorite style of outwear.”
The accessory that has Alasia in a chokehold this season: “Boots. I love a good boot as my go-to accessory for the fall/winter season. My favorites are boots that have a little flair to them and an interesting shape.”
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Office romances are nothing new, and it makes sense that they'd be something attractive to professionals since we spend a significant amount of our time at work. Recent research has found that more than 60% of adults have had a workplace romance, but I think that number is probably a bit higher, considering that another survey found that 35% don’t report their relationship to their employer. I've also known of many secret rendezvous between folk who work together.
I have to be honest with you, considering a workplace fling, romance, or full-on relationship with someone I work with is a hard no for me. I once hooked up with a guy in my industry while traveling for work, and while we weren't coworkers, we held leading roles in the same city—where the professional circles at a certain level are super-small. (We're talking New York City's Black media scene here).
Things got a bit awkward when I'd see him at events and he'd expect this big, adoring greeting when I really just wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I'd literally act like we never met. Call me savage but at the time, I was in my 20s, he was a bit older, and it was just what it was: a one-time sneaky link. I never called him after he gave me his number, so I thought he got the hint.
I'd always cringe when seeing him at events, thinking, "Has he told anybody about what happened, blowing it up like it was something it wasn't? What if he's a leader on a project or partnership between our two companies, and we actually have to work together? Is he gossiping about me with other men at my company? What if he retaliates in some way since I'd ghosted him after the hook-up?"
Since that day, with all those fears swirling around in my head for a night in bed that was mediocre at best, I made an official rule never to date anybody I work with or anybody in my industry for that matter. Here are a few other good reasons it's just not a good idea:
1. Cheaters abound when it comes to workplace romances.
There's actual research that found that 40% of professionals admitted to cheating on their current partner with a coworker. Funny enough, remember the thirsty guy in the aftermath of the hook-up I mentioned earlier? Just a few years later, I stumbled upon one of his social media updates—a photo of him and his wife—with a "Happy Anniversary" message in the caption. (And the math was indeed mathing. Based on the number attached to the anniversary, he was very married at the time we hooked up, something I had no knowledge of.)
Some men move real weird because right after our little experience, homeboy was literally acting like he didn't have a whole spouse at home, almost appalled that I wasn't interested in sparking anything continuous with him.
Now, I'm not saying all married men cheat on their wives with coworkers, but again, I've known of and personally witnessed this in the workplace. Someone I know is very happily married now, but when she was dating someone she worked with, they both were in relationships. There are also widely publicized accounts of cheating spouses, with one very prominent coming to mind for me involving BET co-founder Bob Johnson and former BET CEO Debra Lee.
2. I want to keep my professional integrity in tact.
I've always been a boys' girl, and I've been privy to some very interesting, eye-opening things men can say about women coworkers. Much of what I'd overhear would be enough for me never to participate in a workplace romance. As much as many of us think women are chatty, men gossip all the same, and trust me, he's telling somebody at the job about whatever it is he and Suzy from Accounting are doing.
I'm really big on protecting the integrity of my reputation as a leading woman in my profession, especially considering how difficult it is for Black women to be respected in certain spaces. We already face enough challenges with being taken seriously, feeling comfortable using our voices, and getting noticed for promotions without adding a certain air of scandal.
And I certainly don't like the idea that someone could attribute the totality of my success to the mere act of sleeping with a man I work with, which is something that has happened to many successful women who actually worked hard, have the skills and talent, and just happened to fall in love with someone on the job. Not all women are sleeping around to get ahead, but the mere possibility somebody could think that about me reinforces why I choose not to mix business and pleasure.
3. I take breakups very hard, thus I don't want to have a meltdown that impacts my livelihood.
I'm a long-term commitment type of girl nowadays, and when relationships end, after I've invested years, I'm always super-sad and need quite a bit of time and space to heal. I'd hate to be going through that process while having to see and work with the same person I'm heartbroken over, whether we broke up because of something they did or because I ended it.
More research has found that people dating someone they work with experience a 17% increase in fear over a potential breakup. Fear can lead to “a heightened sense of anxiety surrounding the outcome of their relationship.”
I really don't have time to be processing through feelings of failure and emotional distress while trying to avoid any interactions with an ex at work. I need my me-time to get through my breakup feels in peace.
4. I like to be noticed and acknowledged alone, not competing in the shadow of a coworker or boss I'm dating.
Listen, the Capricorn in me is not only ambitious but loves a good accolade and acknowledgment. I work hard, take myself and my work very seriously, and really don't prefer my greatness being overshadowed by a boss or coworker I share a bed with. Again, men already have a certain advantage in the workplace (oftentimes a very undeserving one), whether it's pay, promotions, or a simple public thank you in a meeting.
I've often found that even dating men outside my industry—whose work has absolutely nothing to do with what I do for a living and doesn't nearly compare in terms of duties, salary, or prestige—there's still an ego battle. If I have to work late, attend conferences, or travel, there's always a bit of questioning, jealousy, or resentment, sometimes resolved with a candid conversation or via a breakup.
I like being in a relationship where my man's accolades are his own, and neither of us competes with the other. The media industry is super-competitive, and again, men have an advantage. Sleeping with resentment and envy is something even the most humble loving man might do simply to save face.
Dating someone in my industry or at my job is simply something I don't find rewarding nor worth the risk, and I think I've been able to sustain healthy relationships because of the boundary I've set never to do it.
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