Knowing Your Partner's Erotic Language Is The Key To Elevating Your Sex Life
When it comes to sex and self-pleasure, we typically rely on trial and error to discover what feels good. And though that can spell instant sexual chemistry and orgasms galore for some, sexual intimacy in solo sex and partnered sex is something we have to work at more times than not. Sexual needs differ, sexual incompatibility comes into play, and sometimes the inability to communicate what those needs and differences are can lead to frustration, lack of satisfaction, and overall lack of intimacy. But what if you could apply language to the way you approach intimacy in sexual relationships and self-pleasure? Well, there is power in the tongue and, turns out, there’s power in learning what your Erotic Blueprint type is, too.
Similar to the way love languages and apology languages are important tools in how we communicate and understand intimacy, Erotic Blueprints can be transformative to one’s self-relationship as well as their relationship with others. Jaiya, award-winning somatic sexologist and creator of the Erotic Blueprints, says they are an arousal map to more pleasure, more understanding, deeper connection, and deeper satisfaction. “When you expand into who you really are you can own your pleasure. When we are living our pleasure, we are no longer at odds with life and there is a whole new level of satisfaction in all of life, not just in the bedroom."
The Healing Power of Erotic Blueprints
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There is sometimes a mind-body-soul disconnect we experience due to a lack of knowledge of our true selves that can lead to discontentment in the self-relationship and our intimate relationships. Jaiya says the end result is surface-level experiences that don’t even crack the surface of how powerful our solo and partnered sex lives can truly be. “When we don’t know what turns us on, we don’t know how to ask for it,” she explains. “When we don’t have a language or teaching on how to uncover what turns us on, we stay stuck in shame and guilt, and silence around sex.”
In that way, Erotic Blueprints are rooted in so much more than sex. The framework in relationships is so transformative because “when we know ourselves and we know another more deeply, we are able to really honor who we are and who another is in that moment in time. When we honor another person, they feel seen, heard, and deeply loved for who they are," she adds. Therein lies the healing capabilities of this work.
In our adult relationships, we often seek the things that we lacked from parents and caretakers in our childhood. On healing from attachment issues, Jaiya says, “It gives us permission to be ourselves and love ourselves, and sex is one of those places where we often judge, criticize, and shame. It’s often the final frontier of personal growth.”
The 5 Erotic Blueprints
The Erotic Blueprints are comprised of five types: energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. To learn your primary type, take the basic quiz here. Jaiya also says you should “listen to what your body likes and doesn’t like. Think about the five blueprints and notice, during sexual play or based on your history, where things line up for you.”
Below, Jaiya provides insights into each Erotic Blueprint type, their respective superpowers (pros), and their shadow sides or aspects (cons).
1. Energetic
The Energetic Erotic Blueprint type “is turned on by anticipation, space, tease, and longing. They love to yearn. Their superpower is that they are very sensitive to the point of being able to orgasm without being touched. Hypersensitivity can cause them to ‘short-circuit’ and become turned off because it is too much sensation, too fast and their arousal system shuts down.”
Slow and steady wins the race for the Energetic type. In order to speak their language, Jaiya advises, “Play with more tease, light touch on the body and with consciously giving more spaciousness for ‘turn on’ to turn into begging for more.”
2. Sensual
A Sensual type “is someone who is turned on by all of their senses being ignited. Their superpower is that they bring beauty and sensuality to the sexual experience. The shadow side of the Sensual is that they get caught in their heads and stop feeling what is happening in their body. They lose their presence and get lost in ‘to-do’ lists, for example.”
Sensual types really crave the sensory benefits that come with being fully present. To combat that, “it’s important to have what I call ‘Toggles,’ things that help you transition from the mundane tasks of life to the erotic realm… things like getting a massage, having a hot bath with rose petals, eating some chocolate, doing something relaxing and snuggly.”
3. Sexual
The Sexual Erotic Blueprint Type is “someone who is turned on by what we think of as 'sex' in our culture (nudity, orgasms, penetration, etc.) Their superpower is that they can go from zero to sixty in their arousal and that they love the simplicity of sexuality. The shadow side is that they lose the journey and all the other wonderful flavors of the experience because they focus too much on a limited definition of sex and the end goal.”
The key to tapping into the Sexual type's power is expansion. Because they can sometimes be tied to a very limited perspective of what sex is and what sex looks like, elevation looks like thinking less and dipping and dabbling into understanding other Erotic Blueprints more. “Just go for it,” Jaiya suggests. “Hang out naked. Give yourself or your lover direct touch.”
4. Kinky
The Kinky type “is turned on by what they define as taboo. There are two types of Kinky - one is psychological, meaning that the turn-on is more about the power dynamics or the role-play (more in their minds), the other is someone who is turned on by the sensation of kink (spanking, impact play, feelings of ropes, etc). Some people have a mix of both types. The superpower of the kinky is that they are endlessly creative and can also have orgasmic experiences that have nothing to do with intercourse. On the shadow side, there is usually a lot of shame for having ‘out of the box’ desires and that shame can turn into distress.”
Jaiya notes, “For the Kinky, there’s a whole world to explore! This is really a place to find out what you deeply enjoy. Explore a bunch of different sensations from scratch to slaps to different temperatures. Get creative.”
5. Shapeshifter
“A Shapeshifter is someone who is turned on by all of it. They love all the flavors and lots of variety. Their superpower is that they can be great lovers because they can shift to please any of the Erotic Blueprint Types. On the shadow side, they have been told they are too much and because they can shift to please they are often starving when it comes to their own sexual needs.”
For the uninitiated, this may seem true. But for the erotically intelligent, there is no such thing as a Shapeshifter type being too much. Create time and space for yourself. “Shapeshifters love variety, so give yourself a lot of different ways to play in every Blueprint,” Jaiya suggests. “Make sure you set aside ample time for yourself to really indulge in the exploration.”
How to Navigate Different Erotic Blueprint Types
What’s beautiful about this arousal map framework is that there isn’t necessarily an ideal match. In fact, if you find that your Erotic Blueprint type(s) differs from your partner’s, it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Speaking or being fluent in one language doesn’t mean you can’t become fluent or learn to speak another. Like with any skill, it can be honed on and improved upon. The participants just have to be willing to journey through the doing the work to speak one another’s arousal language. Jaiya breaks down this journey into four phases: Healing, Feeding, Speaking and Expanding.
"We need to heal the shadow aspects of our Blueprints that put the brakes on our arousal," she explains. "Here is an opportunity that as we HEAL, we also feed our Blueprints so that we are not depleted and starving, and also to FEED our lover’s Blueprints which is a skill we can learn to do. We also can learn to SPEAK each other’s languages. And eventually, as we learn a new Blueprint we EXPAND into that Blueprint. This means that the Blueprint that once was not a turn-on becomes our own turn-on.”
The end result leads to a positive impact on your relationships and your sex lives. To maximize that healing and growth, Jaiya recommends that couples join a sex-positive community, sign up for an online course together, or hire a sexuality coach to help to navigate potential challenges.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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