If you listened to episode 4 of xoNecole Happy Hour on sexuality, then you probably heard our fave managing editor say, "You can have an orgasm through your mouth; did you know that?" And if you're anything like me, your immediate reaction was probably, "In your mouth, Sheriden?"
But, y'all, our sis is on to something!
According to sexual healer and empowerment coach Catherine Hale, we can experience an orgasm in any part of our bodies: mouth, stomach, hand, wherever. And sometimes it can be in all parts of our bodies at the same damn time. When this happens, it's referred to as a full-body or energetic orgasm.
Now, this orgasm is completely different from the more centralized clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Instead, full-body orgasms cycle sexual energy throughout your seven chakras from your root chakra up to your crown and back down again. This means you can experience prolonged pleasure, including body convulsions. And you can reach it without the assistance of a partner or a penis.
Los Angeles-based Aila Rose, one-half of the tantric sex and Love Gurus duo, goes a bit more in-depth on chakras and energetic orgasms on a recent episode of the Listen Hunnay podcast. Host Jeannie Mai asks Aila to explain what all of you may be asking at this point: So how do you achieve this full-body orgasm?
Aila first recommends setting the mood, like dimming the lights, lighting some scented candles or playing soft music because you don't want to be distracted. Next, you want to lie down somewhere comfortable. Of course, that can be your bed or even your sofa, perhaps. Also, if you practice yoga or meditation, those skills will surely come in handy. She then suggests following a "breath, sound, movement" process to achieve orgasm:
How To Have An Energy Orgasm
Breath
Take deep inhales and exhales. You want to get out of your head––dismiss random thoughts and not overthink things––and into your body to build sexual tension.
Sound
After a few minutes or so, you may want to start with soft moans. They will play a huge part in the process as the energy flows through your body. Sensual sounds help to facilitate momentum and movement.
Movement
Here's where things can get real tricky and rather alarming if you aren't prepared. You want to begin by imagining the energy moving from one chakra to the next. (You can read more about the locations of your chakras here.) If it helps, think of how you shift your focus from one area of your body to the next during yoga and meditation and use that as your technique to awaken your chakras. But keep in mind that the energy can get "stuck" in a chakra and you may need to physically, but gently, move or gyrate your body to unblock that energy.
This is the alarming part and how you can tell when energy is blocked: The energy will manifest as the emotion that's associated with that chakra at that moment. For example, if you're holding anger in one of your chakras, you may very well start to yell. Or if you're carrying sadness, you may start to cry. But by releasing these pent-up emotions, you're opening and balancing those wounded chakras so the energy can continue to flow freely and transform into the pleasure that you're seeking. This can take upwards of 20-30 minutes.
The Orgasm
Aila describes an energetic orgasm as electrical currents spiraling up and down her body. She goes as far as to say that she felt like she could "shoot lightning bolts from my fingers." She also describes what happens when the free-flowing energy lingers at the crown chakra. You'll enter what is called a cosmic orgasm where you feel like you're in a euphoric or meditative state, lying completely still, literally forgetting every care and concern you have, only breathing.
Consequently, the full-body orgasm is considered to be much more fulfilling than the traditional orgasm because you can still feel its effects, sort of like aftershocks from an earthquake, throughout the day, sometimes longer.
"It can last for days," Aila says.
I don't know if I should be scared or intrigued. On the one hand, you can be shuddering on a Saturday evening and then suddenly out of the blue, be tingling and trembling during a Monday morning meeting at work. But on the other hand, I suppose it would make the meeting that more bearable. Just tell your colleagues you had a chill.
Catherine warns that it's rare for anyone to experience an energetic orgasm on the first try, though. More than likely, you'll encounter blocked chakras on your first few attempts.
"What generally arises for people in the first few sessions are the emotions associated with their sexual conditioning, such as guilt, shame, and fear, as well as the emotional stories of their life," Catherine says. This includes any ingrained misconceptions about sex (like sex is dirty), as our fave founder, Necole, pointed out on the xoNecole Happy Hour episode 4––and any sexual trauma.
It takes a minute to rewrite these narratives and it can take even more time to heal. An energetic orgasm is one way to heal and overcome.
It's also another way to explore sensuality and to experience the full power our bodies can harness. All we have to do is lie back, catch, and ride that wave.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Self-Pleasure Changed How I Experience Sex
We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'
6 Sexy Bedroom Recipes That Will Spice Up Your Sex Life
A Beginner's Guide To Anal Sex
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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RELATED
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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