When you (and by that, I mean "I") counsel couples and constantly write about relationships, you’re gonna hear all sorts of random and fascinating stuff. Case in point — not too long ago, I was talking to an older man (in the grocery store, no less) about misconceptions that women have about men when it comes to sex. “A lot of you don’t think that a man can get turned out by a woman, but it happens and is easier than a lot of them think. A lot of it has little to do with her cat and that’s the point.” (Cat. LOL.)
Seniors — especially Black ones — are a wealth of wisdom, so while there was no need to test him on his insights, I did decide to interview a few fellas to see what their thoughts were on what he said and if they would be willing and able to provide me some examples too.
Below are what 12 men shared. At the very least, ponder what was said, poll a few guys who you know and then take all of the intel to heart. Because the other thing that the man said to me is that the women who can make it happen are the women who are truly unforgettable — “And trust me, we don’t remember everyone.”
Hmph. Let’s proceed, shall we?
*Middle names have been used because…well, I’m sure you get it.*
1. Malik. 33. Single.
Giphy“A lot of women talk about the importance of foreplay happening before sex. Guys feel the same way…in a different way. We like it when we get nasty-ass texts in the middle of the day or a phone call where our lady tells us what she enjoys that we do to her. Don’t underestimate a man’s need to feel thought about and appreciated even when it comes to sex. A woman who sexually affirms can have the world.”
2. Zeke. 24. Single.
“There’s muscle memory and then there’s sex memory. My best sex has been with women who pick up on my cues — the sounds I make during sex that let them know that some stuff is cool and other stuff is amazin’. If they hit those buttons and scratch those itches, she’s got me.”
3. Wesley. 37. In a Long-Term Relationship.
Giphy“Before I settled down, sex had gotten pretty stale, I won’t lie. I mean, p — sy is always gonna be good because even when it’s not, we can make it that way but it was just…predictable. That’s not the case now because she [name left out on purpose] always comes with something new — a new position, some new lingerie, some different tasting lube…hell, I never know. That has me intrigued because that means she’s always thinking about how to make our sex life better. It’s an adventure every time. She gets props for that.”
4. Hendrick. 30. Engaged.
“The best sex I ever had was with a woman from my job. At work, she was always really quiet and sweet but in the bedroom…if we ever made it to the bedroom?! She had a totally different personality. Wigs at work. Natural hair at home. Very cooperative at work. Demanding as hell at home. Even the way she treated me was different. She was very 'What do you need?' at work but in the bedroom, she was on some ‘Your d — k is mine’ s — t. It was the contrast more than anything that was a turn-on because she knew how to switch up her energy to get what she wanted. S — t. Now you’re gonna have me look her up on IG to see what her fine ass is up to these days.”
5. Jerod. 27. Single.
Giphy“How graphic can I get?"
"Ladies, you probably already know that good head is all about you enjoying giving it as much as we enjoy receiving it. But some of y’all be on a cheat code. You use so much of your hand that your mouth is barely touching it."
"A woman who moves her hands out of the way? She’s the one who can get a shopping spree afterward.”
6. Alex. 30. Married Five Years.
“I have an average size penis. The best sex I ever had was with a woman who know exactly what to do with it. Not having a huge d — k doesn’t mean we can’t please a woman but it does mean that some positions work better than others and she knew that. She put her own legs over my shoulder. She scooted her own self onto the side of the bed. She told me to sit up, so that she could wrap her body around me. A woman who knows a man’s body is gonna know how to take it there.”
7. Elijah. 42. Married 12 Years.
Giphy“I’ve been married for a long time now and even before then, I was out in these streets and yes, she knows it. What sold me on my wife, even before I proposed, was how high her drive was and how confident she was sexually. Guys are used to being the initiator so much that it’s damn near mind-blowing when a woman comes on the scene and can run circles around you with their libido. She always makes me feel wanted. A lot of women don’t get that that feeling alone will make a man want to come home — hell, come home early too.”
8. Vernon. 42. Single.
“One word: swallow. A woman who devours is gonna always be a top 10 in my book. It’s not just because it feels amazing. It’s also because she’s saying that she’s not turned off by every part of a man. Ask any guy. He’ll say the same thing.”
9. Cendall. 37. In a Long-Term Relationship.
Giphy“My best sex was with a woman who made me meditate naked with her before we did anything. I thought she was crazy AF at first but there can be a lot on your mind when you’re having sex. The quiet calmed me down and made it easier to focus on it all. I’ve tried to get other women to meditate too. Funny…it’s not quite the same.”
10. Manson. 33. Married Six Years.
“I swear you ain’t lived until you’ve been with a woman who hates having sex in the bed. I’m dead serious. The ones who will figure out how to get it in on the side of the couch, in the breakfast nook, and in the corner of your garage? It’s like they’re saying that a bed is too predictable to them — they want to try some new s — t, and hell, I’m wit it.”
11. Uzziah. 50. Divorced.
Sexy Season 2 GIF by Blunt Talk - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy“The young women need to hear this:
"Making a man cum is not doing much. A hole in the wall can do that. Making a man orgasm is the key to life."
"One tip: His ball sack is there for a reason. Play with it. A LOT. You’re welcome.”
12. Jaymes. 30. Single.
“Enthusiasm is gonna beat out experience every time. A woman who expresses excitement about being with me? I don’t care if she knows how to spin on my d — k or not. She’s already got me hype because I feel like she genuinely wants to be there. I used to not understand Prince’s song ‘Kiss’ when he said that a woman doesn’t have to be experienced. I do now.”
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There you have it — 12 men who divulged a bit of what goes on in their own bat caves (so to speak), chile. Which one surprised you? Which one are you already implementing and seeing the results of? Which one will you try next time?
A wise person once said that the best sex comes from two people who get off on pleasing their partner.
Definitely words to live by if one of your sex-related life goals is to turn your man…all the way out.
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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