One-night stands aren't typically my cup of tea, although I've sipped from them once or twice in my adult life.
To me, sex is far more enjoyable when there is a connection involved that supersedes animal magnetism and typically, they haven't been that memorable for me because of that missing ingredient if I'm being completely honest. My first one-night stand was years ago when I was a sophomore at State. I remember being in a hurry because I wanted to get some necessities for my fridge in lieu of the blizzard that was on its way. I was walking towards my building when I saw one of my friends and her line brother talking in the corridor.
I laughed and was taken aback to realize it was David*, a very tall, dark, and handsome brother who had been the apple of my eye back in high school but did not give me the time of day romance-wise. I knew he was a student there, but the fact that he was a year ahead of me, on a different academic track, and our campus being massive, the odds of us running into one another was slim. But all of a sudden, there we were, on the eve of a huge snowstorm, in each other's line of sight, both of us now swans after graduating from our awkward teen years. “You live in Building A?" he asked. I nodded, “Wanna come up?" He looked surprised by my forwardness, but I had left a long term relationship with my ex 6 ½ months prior and cobwebs were becoming a reality. “Yeah," dimples sinking in, as his mouth spread to welcome his smile. And if I had any doubts, that look did me in.
It began so awkwardly because there were some erection issues due to nerves. He let me know that his ex had been the only girl he had ever been with so he had some anxiety. I could relate, technically, I was in the same boat. I calmed him by embracing him and allowing us to just kiss and slow things down for a minute. And when he finally did become “awake", the size of him was something to be intimidated by. All 9 ½ inches of him. It was definitely a night to remember, so good in fact, I had to call him a few times after, again and again.
One-night stands receive their share of flack in the dating world where modesty and withholding are more praised, but I think there's no denying attraction, connection, or chemistry. And sometimes even the most rigid boundary breaks underneath the gaze of the right man or woman. I've been there. I was curious to know how common one-night stands were among women and men of all ages and cultural backgrounds, so I asked 5 people to share their one-night stand encounters with me. Here's how it went.
Kelly*: "I felt surprisingly sensual after my one-night stand"
“I was at a Fourth of July event and was really excited about it because the summertime is my favorite season and Independence Day acts as a peak to that holiday-wise. All these beautiful black people come out and danced shamelessly while indulging in the 'que. It was awesome. There was this guy in particular that I liked. He had incredible swag, these Clark Kent glasses, untidy locs, milk chocolate skin, and board shorts with this open flannel to show the world his washboard abs. The attraction was instant. Being the photographer that I was, I snapped a few photos of him before engaging in conversation about music and positive thinking. Then I said goodbye to take photos of other people and things at the park. He kept finding me though, but I wasn't about to put myself out there until he did so himself. I jokingly inquired about when he'd slide into my DMs since we had exchanged Instagram information moments before. It would take a few days, but late into the booty call hours, I texted him and asked him if he wouldn't to come to my place. We had sex. He was intense and passionate, and I felt adored even though we hadn't known each other for long. I thought it would be 'just sex' but, 10 months later and we're still dating each other.Sex with a one-night stand in one word to me is: sensual and surprisingly so. I had never had a one-night stand before him; I always stayed away from it because the connotation behind it. I didn't want to be that girl and I felt like maybe men would come at me wrong in bed if I was just doing a onetime thing versus being a significant other, but I think everything depends on the person. He and I were interested before we had sex, so the interest only amplified afterwards, and now my one-night stand is my lover and my best friend. I don't think I'd run towards one in the future, but I wouldn't knock it either because shit surprises you. I definitely was."
Nancy*: "I felt renewed after my one-night stand"
“I'm not against one-night stands, but I'm not exactly for them either. I think with anything, it's the sort of thing that can be situational so it has conditions, it has exceptions. I've had a few in my day, especially in between husbands or monogamous relationships. You get lonely. You want to feel desirable for a night, maybe break away from your reality. My most recent one was within the past year since I'm between husbands again (laughs). I remember having this day of mundane routine that made me really want to do something to shake it up a bit. I had kids this time around, which I didn't after my first marriage ended, so I was in this mama bear, superwoman role and I just wanted to feel like myself for a night. I was always attracted to one of my guy friends who I have known for decades but never had the courage to let him know or whenever I did, the timing was just wrong – different relationships, you know how that goes. He had these Paul Newman blue eyes that I adored and this dirty sense of humor that always made me feel like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing in the best way. He was physically attractive, he had his shit together, we got along well – but dating would mean losing a friend if it goes wrong and with my track record, it's a distinct possibility. I invited him over one weekend when my ex had the kids and said that whatever happened could be no strings attached, I just wanted to feel like me again. And I did. He made me feel like I was a young again, like I had no worries or concerns, no obligations, and he made me feel like I was the sexiest thing he had ever been inside of. It was everything to me at that time.
Sex with a one-night stand for me is: renewal. The afterglow sits on your skin differently. And it's not awkward or anything between us. It's like our little secret when we give each other lingering looks sometimes while having drinks with friends. I think if he wasn't so great of a friend, I'd call him again or pursue something more, but at my age, I know the reality of what happens when relationships end sometimes. So that'd be my reason not to pursue a one night stand. I think some moments are meant to be just that, a moment."
Dre: "I felt there was nothing but problems after my one-night stand"
“I don't believe in one-night stands. I have a type of girl I'd rather be with and with that girl, I have to have a solid relationship with. I'm old fashioned in that way. Having said that, I have done it before, I just don't think I'd do it again. I was around 20 when I had my first and only one-night stand. I remember it because I went against what I normally do on dates and it ended kind of crazily because she and I were on two different pages. I was set up on a date by a homegirl and although the girl was nice, I didn't really see it going anywhere because she wasn't who I typically went for. We didn't really hit it off like that, but back at her place, a few drinks in, we both loosened up quite a bit, and I could feel an attraction there. I didn't necessarily come there looking for sex, but we ended up kissing, and I didn't try to push it away so obviously I found her desirable in some way or another. I think that one-night stands tend to imply 'just sex' and it was definitely something I thought was mutually understood, but she believed it would be a more than just that night thing. I don't think one-night stands kill relationship potential for everyone, but for me, it does. I prefer a challenge, and there was nothing challenging about that situation, plus I wasn't feeling her like that really.Sex with a one-night stand in one word for me would be: problematic. Communication is important and I learned it more deeply that night because for about a week, she chased me and the possibility of moving forward with a relationship. I just wasn't feeling her like that. Too often, we get sex and emotion confused, but I think in a scenario like that, I wonder, how could there be emotion if I just met you that night and you let me hit it? So yeah, problematic is how I'd describe one night stands."
[easy-tweet tweet="Too often we get sex and emotion confused..."]
Tiffany: "I felt free after my one night stand"
“I feel like everyone should have a one-night stand at least once in their lives. I've had several. There's something exhilarating about having sex with a perfect stranger. There's risk involved that intrigues me. Of course, I wrap it, but the fact that you're going to your place or going to his place or a hotel and you don't even know this person's last name, the thrill of that conquer turns me on. It's an aphrodisiac to me. My most recent one was the end of January. It was the top of the year and I hadn't had sex yet for the year, so I said to myself, 'Self get back in the game'. I put on my sexiest dress, my favorite fragrance, and headed to happy hour at a local hotel. I was having a particularly stressful week at work, I remember, and that's one of my favorite ways to relieve stress: sex. He was a stranger. For me, when it comes to picking someone, it's about chemistry. I feel like if we click in our conversation, when our bodies do the talking, we should be able to click, too. Sometimes, it's a miss, but most of the time, it's a hit. This man was older, newly divorced, traveling for work. His head was bald but he had this salt and pepper goatee that I really liked. So there was some attraction there and as for conversation, he was able to sweep me off my feet and nothing was off the table. He kept our drinks coming. And from there, we went upstairs to his room and had an incredible night. When you don't care about the person, all inhibitions are nonexistent and I like that. There's no protest when I ask to be choked or bound by the hands or if I ask to be called a name.A one-night stand in one word to me would be: freeing. I had an orgasm from this man and didn't have to follow up with a call or text. That's free."
Chantal*: " I felt adventurous after my one-night stand"
“One-night stands are amazing. I'll be honest though, they aren't necessarily predecessors to long term relationships, but they don't prevent them either. I've had a lot throughout the years, a few have led to long relationships, the majority of them fizzled as quickly as the sun came up the next morning. I have them intentionally when I'm traveling. I spend a lot of time traveling for pleasure as a writer, so that takes me from place to place abroad – sometimes for days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. I never know where I'm going next, so one-night stands are how I get my pleasure of another kind in there during my travels (laughs). I meet the most interesting people with the most interesting stories and I fall in love over and over again with the men I encounter.[easy-tweet tweet="I fall in love over and over again with the men I encounter"]
[easy-tweet tweet="I speak all of these languages, I see all these places, and I collect souls along the way"]
My last one was in France. I liked the way it sounded when he said my name. It sounded like a song. A prospect for me has to be physically attractive, mentally attractive, and there has to be something about him that gives me butterflies in my stomach. It's always different and that's what I like about it. I never get bored, there's never a routine. On the flipside, it can be kind of emptying, but it depends on what I'm seeking from my encounters. If I go in there looking for validation, I'll come up short. But if it's for experience, I have the best sex. He was so talented with his tongue. It's to be expected right? There have been times that I've wanted more out of a one-night stand, but the thing about my job, the thing about being American, is I don't want to put forth any additional effort to maintain a relationship halfway across the globe. I just don't. It can be kind of detaching, but I have dreams. I have plans.
Sex with a one-night stand is adventurous to me. It comes close to going somewhere new, experiencing new things is one of life's most natural highs, pair that with sex and you have ecstasy."
*Names have been changed for anonymity
Have you ever had sex with a one night stand? What was it like? Would you do it again? Let's share stories below!