While listening to some R&B slow jams, one of the songs that came up in the rotation was Tyrese's "One". It starts out with the lines, "Let me start by saying that you're the one. It's the first time I felt like this player's done." As I continued to listen, I thought about many of the conversations that I've had with husbands over the years. It inspired me to hit some of them up to ask what made them come to the conclusion that their wife is their one. Still.
It's not so that we all will use their answers as the barometer for our own journey—after all every love story is different. It's more so that we can see through the lens of men on what many of them find to be valuable when it comes to choosing a mate and ultimately saying, "I do". Anyway, here's what 10 happily married men shared with me. (I appreciate you guys, for the insight.)
Joshua, 40. Married for 11 years.
"I like this question because I haven't thought about it in a long time. My wife is my rock. I don't mean that to sound cliché, but no one has ever held me down like she does. In the past, there were a lot of beautiful and smart women that I dated but a lot of ladies don't understand what it means to be a real encourager and support system for men. Even before we got married, my wife made me feel like the sky was the limit when it came to my dreams and desires. She wasn't critical. She wasn't negative. She's still not. I knew she was the one for me because she made me see myself in ways that no one else had. She still does."
Alan, 31. Married for three years.
"Right when I met my wife, I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. What stood out to me about her is she really listened. She became a source of peace for me that I hadn't experienced with another woman, not even my mom or sisters.
"When a man can be fully vulnerable, it feels safe and when we feel safe, that is when we know we've found someone really special."
Finn, 42. Married for 15 years.
"What's interesting is, I think I believe she's more 'the one' now than I did on our wedding day. You've got to be married a while before you realize, even as a man, that a lot of that movie BS is just that—BS. You can be attracted to a lot of people. You can have great sex with a ton of 'em too. I married my wife because I trusted her. Over time, she's become my best friend. I can't think of anyone closer to me or who knows more about me. Single ladies, that's rare. When a man sees you as his closest friend, that's when you know you've got him."
Jesse, 25. Married for 11 months.
"My wife is hilarious. If that sounds crazy, my bad but that's how I knew she was the one for me. So many women can be negative and always looking at the downside of things. My wife is just the opposite. No matter what, even when we get bad news, she sees a silver lining in it and finds a way to make me laugh about it. I enjoy being around her. She's fun. Fun goes far."
Samuel, 34. Married for three-and-half years.
"My wife is very spiritual. I don't mean 'churchy' either. Her discernment is crazy. She's very much into finding balance and a center. She hates drama and creates peace. She loves God, nature and animals. I dunno.
"I've just never met someone who makes me want to be a better person in the way that she does. I see God differently because of her."
Christopher, 38. Married for five years.
"No drama. That's what made her the one for me. Lord, so many women like to create drama. Sweating the small stuff. Nitpicking at every damn thing. Not knowing how to let s—t go. My wife is the opposite of all of that. If there's a problem, she wants to solve it as soon as possible but she doesn't create ones that aren't there. Damn, I love that about her. Thanks for reminding me. I'm gonna call her right now."
Wynton, 29. Married for two years.
"My wife is sexy AF. Call it shallow if you want but sexy is different than pretty. When you find the kind of woman who you really can never get enough of, she's special. I always desire my wife. It's like, other women have become irrelevant since her, not because they aren't pretty but because they just don't have that 'umph' that my wife does. That woman's walk. Her tone of voice. The way she looks when we're first waking up. The fact that her sex drive is even higher than mine. How confident she is in her clothes. Damn."
Deven, 45. Married for eight years.
"I had a horrible mother growing up. She was angry and bitter most of the time. Because of that, I didn't have serious relationships with other women. It was casual dating and sex, that's about it. I met my wife through a male friend of mine and it was the first time when I saw a woman as being the polar opposite of my mom. My wife is nurturing. She is easy-going. She's one of the most emotionally solid people I know. I didn't even realize how emotionally damaged I was, in some ways, until her. She's even helped me to forgive my mom in some ways. Guys, if a woman isn't making you better, she's making you worse. Straight up."
Mandel, 33. Married for six years.
"My wife is the first woman I ever met who I could see years of my wife with. After about our third date, I knew she would be a good mom, a great partner and someone who I wouldn't mind getting old with and that had never happened before. Before her, women were just kind of transient. I knew I wanted her to stay. I proposed five months later. We've been together ever since."
David, 40. Married for 10 years.
"This is a funny question because I'm not really the 'soul mate' kind of guy. I think we all can be happily married to numerous folks. I do think my wife is 'my one' in the sense that we fit together in a way that is hard to explain or compare. She just gets me and I feel like I get her. She is my favorite person and I have no regrets about asking her to be my wife. I know a lot of men who can't say the same. Marriage isn't easy, I won't lie to you. But when you don't regret your choice, not one day in your life, that's when you know you picked well."
There you have it and you know what? It really can't be said enough that we can't tell a man how to think or what he wants or needs in a relationship. They have to tell us. So, when you get a moment, ask some of the husbands in your life what made them choose their wife. The answers just might surprise you. Intrigue you. Even inspire you on some levels. You never know.Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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