How This Couple Learned That Love Is About Figuring It Out Together
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
When it comes to finding your life partner, the best time to find love is when you least expect it. You can either question how the universe has brought you two together or take it and run with it. For married couple Ray and Roslyn Singleton, they have been running with it since the day they met. The two fell in love with each other at first sight while attending a local all-black party.
Conversation and food after would ensue and tell the pair all they needed to know about each other and all of it began and ended with love. "Ros was so different from any girl I have ever met before in my life. She was gorgeous, she had a short haircut, tatted up, and it was just something about her," Ray recalled for xoNecole. "After talking with her and realizing getting to know her would be more of a challenge, I just fell in love with her. There is nothing more beyond that."
Even with a seven-year age difference, Ray and Roslyn vibed so well with each other, that there was no denying it. "The day after we met, I blocked everyone else I was talking to. I was good. I have only known him for eight hours, but I'm good. This is it," Roslyn recalled. Who knew that one evening at a local party would just so happen to be the right place at the right time for the both of them? Together, they have been figuring out this thing called life ever since.
For this installment of xoNecole's Our First Year, learn more about Ray and Roslyn Singleton, a couple who have worked together towards a successful marriage by going with the flow and letting love lead the way.
The One
Roslyn: We met in November 2016 and Ray proposed May 6th the following year. But I knew immediately that I wanted to marry Ray. The day after we met, I blocked everyone else I was talking to. I was good. I have only known him for eight hours, but I'm good. This is it. I'm not going to say that we haven't had our bumps in the road like every couple does, but we found our way to get through. Ray was different. He was the youngest man I have ever considered dating, let alone marry. Having that transition to dating someone that's seven years younger, I learned he was such an old soul. He loved God, his family, and I could tell he cared about me from day one. I also like to say sarcastic jokes and he throws them back at me. So the comedy between us makes me love him even more.
Ray: From the very beginning, we just clicked. I moved into her apartment four days after we met. But I think ultimately it was the amount of time we could laugh together. Whatever the time of day it was, it didn't matter because it was just her and I. I think that's how we clicked so fast. We feel like we have been together 15 or more years. She was that other part of my soul that I was able to find.
"I knew immediately that I wanted to marry Ray. The day after we met, I blocked everyone else I was talking to. I was good. I have only known him for eight hours, but I'm good. This is it. I'm not going to say that we haven't had our bumps in the road like every couple does, but we found our way to get through. Ray was different."
Tying The Knot
Roslyn: One thing I remember about our wedding day is, when I turned the corner at the venue and I first saw Ray, he looked so good. He was crying and that was just a key moment for me. I also remember the very end of the wedding. It was nothing extravagant. We both got into Ray's car, we packed up all the food, went back to our hotel, and had burgers and chicken wings for our wedding night. It was literally the best, most chill thing ever.
Ray: I remember 15 minutes before the ceremony was about to start, it was pouring down raining. It was hot and chaotic. My dad pulled me to the side and asked if I was ready. I said, "Yep." And when I saw her, I knew. It was one of the greatest things in my life.
Deepest Fears
Ray: My biggest fear walking into marriage was having the concern of what does the rest of my life look like. I understand how serious marriage is and the idea of marriage. It was just the fear of the unknown. It was never about if I was going to be in love with her for the rest of my life, that was unquestionable. But the more time I spent with her and thought about her, I knew our connection wasn't something that I could break. Staying in the moment allowed me to let go of that fear.
Roslyn: I would say my biggest fear was trying to live up to something instead of making marriage my own. I come from an upbringing where my parents had been married for 30+ years. I always had this image of what marriage looked like from my parents. So for me, I never wanted to fail him as a wife or fail as the example of what marriage should be. From what they showed me, I try to give that to Ray. What I learned to get through that is to communicate better to Ray and tell him how much I appreciate him a lot.
"My biggest fear walking into marriage was having the concern of what does the rest of my life look like. I understand how serious marriage is and the idea of marriage. It was just the fear of the unknown. It was never about if I was going to be in love with her for the rest of my life, that was unquestionable."
Early Challenges
Ray: Communication. We didn't know how to talk to each other. We didn't know how to talk about problems, our feelings, or how if someone said something how the other person received it. Honestly, there would be times where we were not foolin' with each other. One thing I had to unlearn is not communicating my expectations to her. I had this idea of what a husband and wife should be and assumed everyone thought the same way I did. But it was nothing but the love we had for each other that kept us coming back. So even though we are light years from where we started, communication is something we are still working on till this day.
Roslyn: You know when you have that conversation and you're like, "GIRL, LISTEN." I have been there. Luckily, I have those friends that talked me off the ledge and encouraged me to just have a conversation with him. Ray is an amazing person and he brought his life experiences into the relationship just like I did. So I had to unlearn not to nitpick at those differences to Ray. I had to be aware of when I may do those things and apologize. I never want to be someone that points out his flaws because I genuinely want to be supportive to him.
Love Lessons
Ray: I can love harder than I thought I could. Before Ros, I was independent and knew how to focus on myself. Now I know that it's possible that you could love so much when being involved with someone else. As a guy, you hear about it. But you're not really thinking about it because you're living your life.
Roslyn: The most important lesson for me is being appreciative of the love I've received from Ray. Even when I had brain surgery, it made me more appreciative because I know women who have had a similar situation as me and their husbands left them. It really blows my mind because my mother had a ton of health issues and my dad was right there for her. So when my health stuff came around, I didn't second-guess what Ray's role was in my life, because that was what I knew. But now understanding that that type of support is not what a lot of people get.
"I can love harder than I thought I could. Before Ros, I was independent and knew how to focus on myself. Now I know that it's possible that you could love so much when being involved with someone else."
Marriage Counsel
Roslyn: I have my sister/best friend and I talk to her because she was married for over 10 years. I know she will give me an unbiased opinion about marriage that is in the best interest of Ray and I. I know she can give me that marriage perspective and understand things better that I may be missing. I also have my other best friend who is single. She is a more philosophical thinker. So she expounds and looks at every possible angle to give me great advice. Both of them are very transparent and they remind me that marrying Ray is what I wanted to do. So I have to figure it out.
Ray: None of my friends are qualified to give me advice (laughs). I talk to my pastor and God a lot. It is a lot of introspective work that I do for understanding. I truly do self-reflection and try to put myself in her shoes when we are dealing with an issue. When I do talk to my friends, they talk me off the ledge too. But for advice, it's mainly my pastor.
The Best Advice
Ray: Listen to advice from others, but you have to live with her every day. You can take advice from all these gurus and stuff. But at the end of the day, you have to live with her. So figure it out. Also work together as a team. Fellas, use the word "we" and understand that you two are a unit.
Roslyn: The best advice I've gotten was from my dad. He told me that problems are going to happen. There is nothing you can do about it, you just have to talk about it. It is important to remember that everyone is their own individual person and on the road, you have to learn to love the parts of a person that you don't understand. Even on days that you may not not like that person, in the long run, you are going to love everything about that person. It's worth it.
For more of Ray and Roslyn, follow them on Instagram @willie_qool and @iamrosroyal. Also check out their new clothing line that commemorates their marriage here.
Featured image via Ray Singleton/Instagram
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'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images