

Kinky sex is more common than many of us realize. The only difference lies in what's normalized versus what has yet to become normalized. But when you think about it, many of us vanilla-ish folks get our rocks off on things like being spanked and/or straight up slapped, choked, and more recently having shared bodily fluids such as spit. And this doesn't begin to touch on the other, more miscellaneous spaces of kinky sex.
The irony that of the term "vanilla," which I've noticed myself and expert Monica Brown calls out is this:
"The concept of vanilla sex seems to have a connotation of boring (untrue) and can often mean different things depending on who you're talking to. Here you are thinking that you're going to introduce someone to something freaky yet you're the one now strapped in a door harness in a state of delightful shock."
Vanilla has a spectrum and it can get dark if you prefer it that way -- as far as ice cream references go, we can add and remove toppings as we crave them. But, of course, the most important thing is communicating these desires for kinky sex to your partner(s).
Fetish Exploration
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A fetish can be an obsession, a fixation, or a compulsion. And when it comes to sexual desires, fetishism by definition refers to gratification that is "is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc." Historically, the word fetish is often connected to a slightly negative connotation (think: foot fetish), but Brown sees fetishes as an opportunity to be open, get curious, and ask questions. According to the expert, fetish exploration requires openness with yourself and potential partners.
"In terms of the most commonly practiced fetish outside of feet play, role playing and lingerie come close to second. Notice, we haven't even begun to talk about impact (spanking, flogging, etc.), or asphyxiation (checking, air control) play. These fetishes are are usually talked about within a heteronormative framework of BDSM," she adds.
Intro To Kinky Sex: Discover Your Kinks
"I'm going to lean into my feminist therapy bag to discuss why choking is so commonly talked about today. Patriarchy would have you think that rough sex is superior. We see this dynamic in porn and popular media such as 50 Shades of [non consent] Grey. BDSM is a process of consensual power play where tools such as asphyxiation, orgasm control, impact, and psychological play come in handy. I believe that due to this obsession with dominance, choking and spanking are easy grabs to display power. If you are to consider these forms of play, don't forget about the intimacy and trust involved.
"Turning on my own therapist hat and professionally speaking, I believe this is when it becomes especially important for us to unpack, both by ourselves and with our partners, what it is that we might find enjoyment from when we're still in the initial phase of fantasizing about certain kinks. And this is not to say that you won't want to move forward with putting it into practice if there is some type of power grab involved, but [it] simply changes the depth of the conversation that may be required. It's just critical that you go into this form of intimacy understanding the goal and that importance of aftercare."
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"As a new kink explorer, you may not want to put on your cargo shorts and fly net to head on down to the nearest sex club. You can start by tapping into your taboos. Many fetishes have their roots in some sort of taboo. And as consensual adults, we get to explore these taboos to whatever extent satisfies us without getting in trouble. There's a thrilling experience that comes from testing the waters of what we've come to know as 'right' and 'wrong'."
"Take lingerie for example, it's fun and for the most part often private. But what if you were wearing a chain linked leather bikini under your work blouse? Exploring fetish doesn't mean diving off the deep end. If sex is truly a practice, then fetish exploration is a progressive experience. This is especially important when dealing with your sexual partner. One of the most beautiful things that I find happening in the world of kink are those suffering from trauma being able to heal through exploring kink. Exercising our bodily and mental autonomy can be such a liberating experience when at one point that ability was removed."
How To Introduce Kink Into Your Relationship
"Again, we're coming back to communication, trust, and accountability -- the three pillars to all relationships. There should be consistent conversation regarding your sexual experience and interests. If at some point you find yourself at an impasse, that may be a significant sign of incompatibility. Some fetishes can evolve into a lifestyle such as role play and submission. Remember, we deserve to live our best lives. When exploring your fetish becomes a great part of your fulfillment, that should be reflected in your partnerships, certainly if they're newly-forming."
"For those that have been together for a while or plan to, seeking the assistance of a therapist or sex coach is a great way to find the dynamic that works best for your bedroom. Luckily, we're in an age where information is everywhere. We have self-help books, ethical research, and communities solely formed around kinks. Additionally, there are so many professionals available to assist in your kink journey such as sex therapists, educators, surrogates, workers, coaches and the like."
"Remember, sex is a practice."
Here are some additional resources provided by a dearly kinky friend and professional that may be of use to people looking to get into some kinky sex:
"The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant"
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- How To Tell Your Partner Your Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met ›
- Black Women Hair Pulling During Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are ... ›
- What Sex Dreams With Someone You Hate Means - xoNecole ... ›
- Choking During Sex, How To Do It Safely - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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From Rock Bottom To Redemption: Paula Patton Opens Up About Her New Film 'Finding Faith'
When Paula Patton’s name is on a project, you already know it’s going to bring some soul. From Jumping the Broom to Baggage Claim, she’s long been a radiant presence on-screen. But in her new film Finding Faith, premiering in theaters June 16–17 via Fathom Events, Paula digs deeper—into grief, healing, and ultimately, redemption.
The film follows Faith Mitchell, a wife and mother whose life is upended by a devastating loss. As she spirals into despair, it’s the love of family, friends, and God that slowly leads her back to light. And for Paula, this story wasn’t just a role—it was personal.
“It connected to a time in my life that I could really relate to,” she says. “That feeling of having lost so much and feeling like so much pain, and not knowing how to deal with the pain… and numbing out to do that.”
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A Story That Hit Close to Home
Having been sober for seven years, Paula says the emotional territory was familiar. But more than anything, it brought her closer to a deeper truth.
“Once you give [the numbing] up, you have to walk in the desert alone… and that’s when I truly found faith in God.”
Turning Pain Into Purpose
While the film touches on loss and addiction, Finding Faith ultimately lives up to its title. Paula describes the acting process as cathartic—and one she was finally ready for.
“Art became healing,” she says. “That was the biggest challenge of all… but it was a challenge I wanted.”
More Than an Inspirational Thriller
Finding Faith is described as an “inspirational thriller,” with layered tones of romance, suspense, and spiritual reflection. Paula credits that dynamic blend to writer-director LazRael Lison.
“That’s what I love about Finding Faith,” she explains. “Yes, she goes on this journey, but there’s other storylines happening that help it stay entertaining.”
"Finding Faith" cast
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On-Set Magic with Loretta Devine
With a cast stacked with phenomnal talent—Loretta Devine, Keith David, Stephen Bishop—it’s no surprise that the film also came alive through unscripted moments.
“We did this kitchen scene… and Loretta changed it,” Paula shares. “She wouldn’t leave. I had to change my dance and figure out how to work with it, and it took on this whole other layer. I’m forever grateful.”
Faith When It Feels Like Night
The film leans on the biblical verse: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Paula says that reminder is something she’s lived.
“When you’re feeling so anxious, and you look out in the distance and see nothing there… that’s when you have to trust God’s timing.”
Divine Timing Behind the Scenes
Paula didn’t just star in the film—she produced it through her company, Third Eye Productions. And the way the opportunity came to her? Nothing short of divine.
“I said, ‘Just for one week, believe everything’s going to be perfect,’” she recalls. “That same day, my friend Charles called and said, ‘I have a film for you. It’s called Finding Faith.’ I thought I was going to throw the phone down.”
What’s Next for Paula Patton?
When asked about a dream role, Paula didn’t name a genre or a character. Her focus now is on legacy—and light.
“I want to make sure I keep making art that entertains people, but also has hope… That it has a bright light at the end to get us through this journey here on Earth.”
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