Common Kinks & How To Implement Them Into Your Sex Life
Kinky sex is more common than many of us realize. The only difference lies in what's normalized versus what has yet to become normalized. But when you think about it, many of us vanilla-ish folks get our rocks off on things like being spanked and/or straight up slapped, choked, and more recently having shared bodily fluids such as spit. And this doesn't begin to touch on the other, more miscellaneous spaces of kinky sex.
The irony that of the term "vanilla," which I've noticed myself and expert Monica Brown calls out is this:
"The concept of vanilla sex seems to have a connotation of boring (untrue) and can often mean different things depending on who you're talking to. Here you are thinking that you're going to introduce someone to something freaky yet you're the one now strapped in a door harness in a state of delightful shock."
Vanilla has a spectrum and it can get dark if you prefer it that way -- as far as ice cream references go, we can add and remove toppings as we crave them. But, of course, the most important thing is communicating these desires for kinky sex to your partner(s).
Fetish Exploration
Getty Images
A fetish can be an obsession, a fixation, or a compulsion. And when it comes to sexual desires, fetishism by definition refers to gratification that is "is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc." Historically, the word fetish is often connected to a slightly negative connotation (think: foot fetish), but Brown sees fetishes as an opportunity to be open, get curious, and ask questions. According to the expert, fetish exploration requires openness with yourself and potential partners.
"In terms of the most commonly practiced fetish outside of feet play, role playing and lingerie come close to second. Notice, we haven't even begun to talk about impact (spanking, flogging, etc.), or asphyxiation (checking, air control) play. These fetishes are are usually talked about within a heteronormative framework of BDSM," she adds.
Intro To Kinky Sex: Discover Your Kinks
"I'm going to lean into my feminist therapy bag to discuss why choking is so commonly talked about today. Patriarchy would have you think that rough sex is superior. We see this dynamic in porn and popular media such as 50 Shades of [non consent] Grey. BDSM is a process of consensual power play where tools such as asphyxiation, orgasm control, impact, and psychological play come in handy. I believe that due to this obsession with dominance, choking and spanking are easy grabs to display power. If you are to consider these forms of play, don't forget about the intimacy and trust involved.
"Turning on my own therapist hat and professionally speaking, I believe this is when it becomes especially important for us to unpack, both by ourselves and with our partners, what it is that we might find enjoyment from when we're still in the initial phase of fantasizing about certain kinks. And this is not to say that you won't want to move forward with putting it into practice if there is some type of power grab involved, but [it] simply changes the depth of the conversation that may be required. It's just critical that you go into this form of intimacy understanding the goal and that importance of aftercare."
Getty Images
"As a new kink explorer, you may not want to put on your cargo shorts and fly net to head on down to the nearest sex club. You can start by tapping into your taboos. Many fetishes have their roots in some sort of taboo. And as consensual adults, we get to explore these taboos to whatever extent satisfies us without getting in trouble. There's a thrilling experience that comes from testing the waters of what we've come to know as 'right' and 'wrong'."
"Take lingerie for example, it's fun and for the most part often private. But what if you were wearing a chain linked leather bikini under your work blouse? Exploring fetish doesn't mean diving off the deep end. If sex is truly a practice, then fetish exploration is a progressive experience. This is especially important when dealing with your sexual partner. One of the most beautiful things that I find happening in the world of kink are those suffering from trauma being able to heal through exploring kink. Exercising our bodily and mental autonomy can be such a liberating experience when at one point that ability was removed."
How To Introduce Kink Into Your Relationship
"Again, we're coming back to communication, trust, and accountability -- the three pillars to all relationships. There should be consistent conversation regarding your sexual experience and interests. If at some point you find yourself at an impasse, that may be a significant sign of incompatibility. Some fetishes can evolve into a lifestyle such as role play and submission. Remember, we deserve to live our best lives. When exploring your fetish becomes a great part of your fulfillment, that should be reflected in your partnerships, certainly if they're newly-forming."
"For those that have been together for a while or plan to, seeking the assistance of a therapist or sex coach is a great way to find the dynamic that works best for your bedroom. Luckily, we're in an age where information is everywhere. We have self-help books, ethical research, and communities solely formed around kinks. Additionally, there are so many professionals available to assist in your kink journey such as sex therapists, educators, surrogates, workers, coaches and the like."
"Remember, sex is a practice."
Here are some additional resources provided by a dearly kinky friend and professional that may be of use to people looking to get into some kinky sex:
"The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant"
Featured image by Getty Images
- How To Tell Your Partner Your Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met ›
- Black Women Hair Pulling During Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are ... ›
- What Sex Dreams With Someone You Hate Means - xoNecole ... ›
- Choking During Sex, How To Do It Safely - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED