Kinky sex is more common than many of us realize. The only difference lies in what's normalized versus what has yet to become normalized. But when you think about it, many of us vanilla-ish folks get our rocks off on things like being spanked and/or straight up slapped, choked, and more recently having shared bodily fluids such as spit. And this doesn't begin to touch on the other, more miscellaneous spaces of kinky sex.
The irony that of the term "vanilla," which I've noticed myself and expert Monica Brown calls out is this:
"The concept of vanilla sex seems to have a connotation of boring (untrue) and can often mean different things depending on who you're talking to. Here you are thinking that you're going to introduce someone to something freaky yet you're the one now strapped in a door harness in a state of delightful shock."
Vanilla has a spectrum and it can get dark if you prefer it that way -- as far as ice cream references go, we can add and remove toppings as we crave them. But, of course, the most important thing is communicating these desires for kinky sex to your partner(s).
Fetish Exploration
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A fetish can be an obsession, a fixation, or a compulsion. And when it comes to sexual desires, fetishism by definition refers to gratification that is "is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc." Historically, the word fetish is often connected to a slightly negative connotation (think: foot fetish), but Brown sees fetishes as an opportunity to be open, get curious, and ask questions. According to the expert, fetish exploration requires openness with yourself and potential partners.
"In terms of the most commonly practiced fetish outside of feet play, role playing and lingerie come close to second. Notice, we haven't even begun to talk about impact (spanking, flogging, etc.), or asphyxiation (checking, air control) play. These fetishes are are usually talked about within a heteronormative framework of BDSM," she adds.
Intro To Kinky Sex: Discover Your Kinks
"I'm going to lean into my feminist therapy bag to discuss why choking is so commonly talked about today. Patriarchy would have you think that rough sex is superior. We see this dynamic in porn and popular media such as 50 Shades of [non consent] Grey. BDSM is a process of consensual power play where tools such as asphyxiation, orgasm control, impact, and psychological play come in handy. I believe that due to this obsession with dominance, choking and spanking are easy grabs to display power. If you are to consider these forms of play, don't forget about the intimacy and trust involved.
"Turning on my own therapist hat and professionally speaking, I believe this is when it becomes especially important for us to unpack, both by ourselves and with our partners, what it is that we might find enjoyment from when we're still in the initial phase of fantasizing about certain kinks. And this is not to say that you won't want to move forward with putting it into practice if there is some type of power grab involved, but [it] simply changes the depth of the conversation that may be required. It's just critical that you go into this form of intimacy understanding the goal and that importance of aftercare."
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"As a new kink explorer, you may not want to put on your cargo shorts and fly net to head on down to the nearest sex club. You can start by tapping into your taboos. Many fetishes have their roots in some sort of taboo. And as consensual adults, we get to explore these taboos to whatever extent satisfies us without getting in trouble. There's a thrilling experience that comes from testing the waters of what we've come to know as 'right' and 'wrong'."
"Take lingerie for example, it's fun and for the most part often private. But what if you were wearing a chain linked leather bikini under your work blouse? Exploring fetish doesn't mean diving off the deep end. If sex is truly a practice, then fetish exploration is a progressive experience. This is especially important when dealing with your sexual partner. One of the most beautiful things that I find happening in the world of kink are those suffering from trauma being able to heal through exploring kink. Exercising our bodily and mental autonomy can be such a liberating experience when at one point that ability was removed."
How To Introduce Kink Into Your Relationship
"Again, we're coming back to communication, trust, and accountability -- the three pillars to all relationships. There should be consistent conversation regarding your sexual experience and interests. If at some point you find yourself at an impasse, that may be a significant sign of incompatibility. Some fetishes can evolve into a lifestyle such as role play and submission. Remember, we deserve to live our best lives. When exploring your fetish becomes a great part of your fulfillment, that should be reflected in your partnerships, certainly if they're newly-forming."
"For those that have been together for a while or plan to, seeking the assistance of a therapist or sex coach is a great way to find the dynamic that works best for your bedroom. Luckily, we're in an age where information is everywhere. We have self-help books, ethical research, and communities solely formed around kinks. Additionally, there are so many professionals available to assist in your kink journey such as sex therapists, educators, surrogates, workers, coaches and the like."
"Remember, sex is a practice."
Here are some additional resources provided by a dearly kinky friend and professional that may be of use to people looking to get into some kinky sex:
"The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant"
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