The Weight Of Being The 'First' In Your Family To Break Generational Curses
The journey to success for a lot of Black women oftentimes looks like breaking generational curses. Curses like poverty, a lack of resources, and a lack of opportunities to get out of the vicious cycle. This experience usually starts during our adolescence by way of elder family members telling us to keep books before boys and to stay focused on school. While the idea itself is digestible, it can sometimes result in Black women experiencing a disconnect within their own families.
I was a first-generation college graduate and my family was extremely proud of me and still is. But keeping my head in the books meant that my achievements didn’t stop there. I went on to accomplish a couple of other “firsts” like getting my master's, working in television, and traveling the world. Coming from nothing and being able to accomplish what I have so far, was a lot to adjust to for both my family and myself. I never took into account that I would have to change certain aspects of myself, in order to accomplish what I have.
I also didn’t consider how my accomplishments would affect the relationship I had with my family.
One thing about your family, they know how to humble you more than anybody. I attended college in Atlanta but was born and raised in Chicago. As a young adult, I slowly stopped living in survival mode and began to discover myself, including my likes and dislikes. South African artist and sociologist Khanyisile Mbongwa spoke on this perfectly during a Ted Talk. She talks about how getting out of the bondage of survival mode is another form of breaking generational curses. As for me, I developed a routine for how I take care of myself, my eating preferences changed, my wardrobe changed, etc.
On this journey, a lot about me changed. However, in the early days when I would come home to visit, it seemed that the person I had grown into, wasn’t welcome. I was instead, thrown back into my childhood routine; doing what I was told, eating what was provided, and not complaining about any of it. It became an issue of respect for me. I wasn’t a child anymore. I was a grown woman with grown thoughts, routines, and preferences. It left me feeling like a bougie outsider.
To me, I felt like I was being treated as the child I once was, instead of the woman I had become.
"I wasn’t a child anymore. I was a grown woman with grown thoughts, routines, and preferences. It left me feeling like a bougie outsider. To me, I felt like I was being treated as the child I once was, instead of the woman I had become."
Subsequently, I became anxious about not trying to do too much or say too much around my family because I didn’t want to come off as a know-it-all. Which led to me coming around less and less. For a number of years, I was angry and confused that the same people who told me to keep my head in the books were now criticizing me because I did just that. I did exactly what they told me to do and my life changed as a result of it. So why was I being picked on? Or at least, that’s what it felt like.
One thing successful people often talk about regarding their journey is that you sometimes have to “unlearn” certain aspects of yourself because the old you can’t go where the new you is taking you. Will Smith spoke on this in his autobiography Will. In talking about the early days of filming The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Will says an executive got in his face one day and started yelling at him about a script change. Will and his friend immediately jumped into their old Philly ways and almost went toe to toe with the executive.
Benny Medina (esteemed manager and talent agent at the time) later explained to Will that the star overreacted. Benny clarified that the executive’s behavior is actually common in the industry and should’ve been handled with care. Will was really upset with himself afterward and realized then that he had to unlearn certain elements of himself that no longer served him, or he would miss out on some great opportunities. His initial reaction to defend himself served Will, back then, but that old Will was hurting the “new” Will’s career so he had to do some unlearning.
It is not easy breaking generational curses, especially when some of that battle is coming from those you love the most. However, I am here to tell you, Black women, there are ways to remedy this. Maybe your experience hasn’t been like mine. Maybe it was worse or maybe you’re in the thick of it right now. Being the first to accomplish anything means you don’t have a blueprint for how it's done and that you’re figuring it out along the way. My experience has taught me a few things that I think can be helpful to you and your journey.
"It is not easy breaking generational curses, especially when some of that battle is coming from those you love the most. However, I am here to tell you, Black women, there are ways to remedy this."
Black women know we carry enough burdens. However, it is important to learn to not only give yourself grace but to give that same grace to your family. Them experiencing this new version of you is new for them as well. Give them space to get it right and to get it wrong. It’s also important that you check in with your family as often as you can. Chasing the bag does sometimes mean you don’t have a lot of free time on your hands. But if it’s nothing, but a simple text, 5-minute call, or a quick email to let them know that you’re thinking about them, then do it. Don’t let months or years go by before checking in with your family. Find ways to “include” them in your journey. Please seek therapy. Therapy is an additional form of emotional and mental support that is so necessary for your journey to breaking generational curses.
Lastly, check your blind spots. Be sure you’re treating your family with love and respect as well. Your dreams, goals, and desires are all your own. That doesn’t mean that others share the same thoughts as you so it is important that you respect that as well. Don’t try to force-feed people information that worked for “you.” Be respectful of everyone’s journey.
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Feature image by Jasmin Merdan/ Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage
