The road paved to BDSM hasn't been an easy one, but we've definitely seen more mainstream interest (especially) amongst Black folks as some of our faves talk their shit on records like "S&M" from Rihanna or even some of the lyrics to "WAP" suggest that both of the leading ladies are knot interested in vanilla sexcapades (read: conventional sex). "Tie me up like I'm surprised," "Handcuffs, leashes -- switch my wig make 'em feel like he cheating" … I know you don't think a vanilla bish made that shit up?
Now. I'm not not knocking vanilla or the girls who like it. Hell. I know women who do this BDSM shit, from breath play to fire play. I'm as Vanilla as it comes when I'm in a room with them. But what I will say is that at times, even the most vanilla-loving person craves the occasional drop of chocolate -- may it come in the form of chocolate chip cookie dough, chocolate shell drizzle, or whatever your preference may be. Because of this it's pretty normal to sprinkly some very mild BDSM practices into our sex lives--we've simply never labeled them as such.
Spitting in the mouth, being spanked, choked, and handcuffed are all kinks that fall under the BDSM umbrella. But what happens when you've grown tired of your faux fur handcuffs? Allow me to enlighten you with 8 regular sex positions that you can adapt as beginner bondage sex positions that unleash your kinkiest inhibitions.
Also, real quick, a simple change in accessories can do the trick! Try trading in your cuffs for bondage tape, spreader bars, rope, or ever even leather cuffs. However, you need to have safewords so that you can communicate consent and safety. A simple set of safewords are always: green, yellow, and red to dignify the nuance of pleasure and discomfort.
1.The Gimlet Position
You see the vision, don't you? Don't even have to point it out to you! In order to execute this position, grab whatever accessory you're into and have your partner bind your ankles first. Once that's wrapped as comfortably as you like, then reach in and grab your legs, so that you're hugging them. Your partner will slightly lift your wrists and begin binding them.
2.The Lazy Dog Position (Modified)
If you have a headboard with a railing, your partner can bind both wrists to the headboard. Otherwise, they can use rope that's long enough to attach to the corners of your bed somewhere. Rinse and repeat for your ankles, you might even consider using a spreader bar.
3.The Butterfly Position
You can try this lying down or upright, but we all know there's a little something about getting hit from the side...so there's that to consider. Get your two sets of cuffs out and take one set for the right side of your body, putting your right wrist with your right ankle while bent over and vice versa for the other side.
4.The Yin And Yang Position
If you have a set of two cuffs, have your partner take one pair and cuff your wrist and ankles together. Do the same on the opposite side. This will keep you all tied up while your partner eats you so good it hurts. But also, it's a nice 69 position so you can ensure you're pleasing them too!
5.The Spread Eagle Position
If you have some type of swing contraption or contraption mounted to your ceiling, this is your time to shine. Hell. Go grab one of those TRX bands that you see at the gym and place your legs in the holsters. Have your partner bind your hands above your head for total submission.
6.The Citizens Arrest Sex Positions
Stand in front of the foot of your bed, spread your legs at least shoulder length apart, and your partner can use some rope to tie your ankles to the side feet of the bed. Once you've secured your feet, bend over so that your belly is lying on the footboard. If you need to, put a pillow underneath your stomach for comfort. Once you're comfortably situated, place your hands behind your back so that your partner can rope your wrists as well.
7.The Female Prisoner Position
This can combine other kinky elements, like erotic asphyxiation! Have your partner bind your hands either together above your head or off to the sides of the bed. You can either leave your ankles loose or bind those as well. Allow your partner to ride your face! For this position, you'll want clear nonverbal signals so that your partner will know when to go deeper and when to pull back.
8.The Barberry Position
You can either use rope or cuffs here. Either way, you'll need two sets. If you're using rope, you may definitely want to YouTube a few techniques for comfort and security! In any case, you will want to lie on your stomach and try to pull your feet towards your head--the closer you can get to your ankles, the better. Have your partner begin to either tie your right wrist to your right ankle or cuff, switch sides, and do it again.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
