You're Grown. Stop Letting Your Parents Treat You Like You're Not.
Whew-whee. You know, you would think that an article that has a title like this would be strictly for people who are still in college or something, but nah. Unfortunately, I personally know individuals—some who are even in their 30s and 40s—who are still out here letting their parents run their lives, far more than they should. If their parents don't approve of a decision, they change their mind. If their parents get mad at them, they do whatever they can to appease them. Oh, and if they do try and speak up for themselves, they immediately let their parents subdue—and by "subdue", I mean manipulate—them into thinking they are somehow being disrespectful.
It's common in Black culture to believe that our elders, especially our parents, deserve a certain amount of respect, no matter how "grown" we get. I don't pushback on that in the least. But if you're out here still letting your parents have a greater say in how you live your life than you do? That isn't healthy. It's hindering your progress. And, to a certain extent, it's keeping you in a "child status" in their mind as well.
If your parents were being responsible when it comes to their role in your life, they would know that it wasn't about them turning you into what they want you to be or making you feel like you've still got to do what they say you should do (you absolutely don't). Healthy parents celebrate their adult child's independence. Yet if somehow that sentence sounds foreign AF to you, then know that I wrote this with you totally in mind. You're an adult now. Your parents shouldn't still be parenting you. Here's how to make sure that they finally stop doing just that.
Cut the Financial Strings
While I wouldn't actually call myself an avid fan of the show Greenleaf, I do have a bit of an inexplicable crush on Keith David. So, when I'm in the midst of researching for an article, an episode can catch my attention. Since I knew this last season was the final one, I was a little more intentional about checking it out. Anyway, someone who I've always found to be absolutely gorgeous, while her character was quite the spoiled brat is Love Simone (who plays Zora Greenleaf). A particular episode that I watched was the next to the last one of the series. Lord. Now that Zora is 18, she wants to move to New York. When her parents gave her pushback on that, she immediately went in about how "grown" she is and they can't stop her. Oh, but in basically the same breath, she wanted them to pay for her apartment there. This? This is a teenage mentality. Unfortunately, a lot of people, some even twice her age, have it too.
While many folks are technically adults when it comes to their age, their parents are still paying rent, cosigning loans and/or lending them money—if the adult child isn't still living with their parents (plus not paying any household bills). Yet when the parents say or do things that make the adult child feel like they still see them as 15-year-olds, they get offended. It's a classic case of wanting the benefits of adulthood without the responsibilities. And that? That is straight-up childish.
And when you really let these points sink in, why shouldn't parents see their adult children, ones who still rely on them in the same way as they did when they were younger, as not mature human beings? A part of being grown means being independent. A part of what comes with being independent is standing on your own two feet, including when it comes to your finances. There are plenty of articles out in cyberspace like one that I recently read—"A shocking number of adults are still mooching off their parents". Pieces like these are a glaring reminder that it's hard to expect to be treated like a complete adult when you're sending mixed messages by being all up in your parents' wallets—still. Them offering seasons of support (like during this pandemic of ours) is one thing, but be real with yourself—if you are still hanging onto your mom and/or dad's financial strings, they are never going to see you as so-called grown until you cut those off. To tell you the truth, they are going to have a hard time completely respecting you, as being your own person, too.
Break the Psychological Stronghold They’ve Got over You
It always tickles me when I see a 6 feet-plus man getting chewed out by his barely 5-feet mom as he cowers while she scolds him. It has nothing to do with the fact that he thinks that she can literally do him bodily harm; it comes from the psychological hold that she's got on him from when he was little. The same point applies to a lot of us. I remember when one of my parents did something that I clearly said I didn't want them to do. They first disrespected my boundaries by doing it anyway. Then they tried to intimidate me so that I wouldn't bring to their attention that they violated me (any boundary that is consciously broken is a violation). When I told them that I wasn't fearful or a child anymore, it was amazing how their face had shock on it, but nothing else happened. Well, nothing other than me realizing that speaking up for myself and being expected to be treated as an adult wasn't "disrespectful"; it was accurate. And justified.
I know people who have gone into careers that they hate and, shoot, even married people that they don't really love, all because they were afraid of what their parents would do if they didn't. The reality is, what can they actually do to you? Be mad. Try and pull a perpetual guilt trip. Not speak to you for a while. OK, but are any of those things so severe that you should make choices that will alter the quality of your life in order to keep them happy; especially at the expense of your own happiness? I promise you, I know from very up close and personal experience that when you stop letting your parents get all up in your head, like you are still 12-years-old, you'll realize that, unless they are mad crazy and abusive (which means you need to do a whole lot more than break psychological strongholds), all they can do is present idle threats. And if they truly love you, even those won't last for long.
Remember That Setting Boundaries Isn’t Disrespectful
Author Brené Brown once said, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." That said, it's pretty much in a child's DNA to want to please their parents. When they don't, it can almost break their heart. If you feel that way for 18 years of your life, it can be hard to get out of that mindset, once you're an adult. At the same time, your mom and/or dad spent 18 years (hopefully) "training you up in the way you should go" (Proverbs 22:6); it can also take some "mental undoing" for them to accept when it's time to get "off of the clock". One way to get both of you used to you not needing them to parent you anyone—but instead, they need to support you—is to set boundaries. All boundaries are, are limits. Boundaries are about letting your parents know what you will and won't encourage them to do when it comes to you and how you choose to live your life. If the thought of setting said boundaries is already freaking you out, you are the main one who needs to establish some. Because if you happened to grow up with a very controlling, emotionally manipulative or narcissistic parent, they don't really have a filter to let them know when they are going too far. It's up to you to draw the line. Now that you are an adult, you are not a bad person (or child) for doing that.
One thing about parent/child relationships is, as both parties grow, the expectations shift. While there is a type of respect that you should have for your parent for birthing you and taking care of you up until you became an adult, that doesn't make you obligated to let them run your life, for the rest of your life. Now that you are indeed grown, they need to show you that they recognize that fact. A part of how they are able to do that is by respecting your boundaries.
Also, Remember That You’ve Got to Live with Your Choices Now. NOT THEM.
There is someone I know who absolutely did not marry a woman who he was in love with. So, why did he do it? Because his parents wanted him to. They told him that she was who God told them that he should be with. They bought him things. They put into his head that the kind of women he was actually attracted to were bad choices. And they did these things, on repeat, until he finally conceded. Sure they got their way. Sure he is still married to the woman they wanted him to be with. But he's miserable. He cheats too.
Something that is very ironic about parents who try and treat their adult sons and daughters as if they are still kids is they oftentimes bully their children into making choices that may make them feel good, but they don't actually have to live with—and that is selfish as hell. Another example? There is one guy who my mom has liked since he and I were little. The only one who liked the idea of us being together more was the guy himself. When I kept telling my mother that I had zero attraction to him, she just kept going on and on about how nice he was and how much she liked him. Lord. If I had let her insistence get to me, I'd probably be in a miserable sexless marriage right now. Or divorced. Meanwhile, while I was picking up the pieces from a decision that I never wanted to make in the first place, my mother would be in her bed, sleeping like a baby.
Based on how you perceive your parents or if you've mistaken fear for respect, it can be difficult to tell them "no" to what they think is right or best for you. But you've got to always remember that you've got to live with your decisions at the end of the day. So, no matter how much in your ear (or head) they might be about something (or someone), never forget that you will be the most affected by what you choose; not them.
Don’t Be Afraid to Establish Consequences for Violated Boundaries
Until we die, we are ever growing, right? OK, so you remember how you learned a lot of things as a kid, right? You were given rules and, when you broke them, there were consequences. Based on either how severe or consistently implemented the consequences were, that is how you started to make different decisions. Listen, just because your parents happen to be older than you, that doesn't make them perfect or exempt from needing to learn more things in life. Since they used to be the one who gave out consequences and there wasn't much that you could do about it, it might not even cross their mind that now you can hand out a few consequences yourself.
Oh, but you can. If you tell your mom that you'd prefer to not be called early in the morning or late at night, yet she keeps doing it anyway, a consequence can be that you don't pick up the phone. If one of your parents is constantly telling your personal business to your relatives or other friends, after you've asked them not to, a consequence can be to tell them less. A very controlling parent will try and convince you that you have no right to give them consequences for disrespecting you. That couldn't be further from the truth. Again, you needed consequences to learn…sometimes parents (of adult children) do as well.
Give Your Parents Some Mercy. And Grace.
When the Bible tells us that "love is patient" (I Corinthians 13:4), it's not specific about what type of love or relationship patience applies to. Hopefully, your parents went into raising you with the mindset that they wanted you to become a healthy, thriving and totally independent adult. But sometimes, realizing that you are that individual can take some getting used to. So, make sure that you extend a little mercy (you forgive them when they do dishonor your boundaries) and grace (you showing kindness) when you can see that they are trying. This includes when you hit new milestones like buying your own home, getting married, having children, etc. If they are coming from a place of love, eventually they will learn how to back off some. If they are coming from a place of control? Well, the only way they are going to learn how to stop trying to control is if you stop letting them do it. If that requires you going to therapy or seeing a life coach to get some tips, please do it.
It does no adult children any good to let their parents keep treating them like kids. No one can evolve that way. Anyone who tells you otherwise is hindering your growth and remember, in the wise words of author Alice Walker, "No one is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow." Your parents are actually working against, not for you, if they demand to have a louder voice than you have about your world or deny your right to grow by not feeling like they need to have a run or say in all of your decisions.
I'll be the first to say that bringing parents into the reality that you are good and grown can be trying and uncomfortable. But the freedom that comes as a direct result makes it worth the transition. The title of this article is how this piece needs to end. Sis, you're grown. Stop letting your parents treat you like you're not. Real talk. STOP IT. Your parents will adjust. And you'll feel freer for it. TRUST ME.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images