Money Talks is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they spend it.
At only 24 years old, Mykail James is the founder of BoujieBudgets.com, an online platform dedicated to teaching Generation Z professionals how to finance and live their best spending savvy lives! The self-proclaimed "Boujie Budgeter" told xoNecole that she makes $71,000 annually, with a rough estimated monthly income of $3,500, which makes total sense after graduating with her MBA focused in accounting and shortly after becoming a Certified Financial Literacy Instructor. The Hampton University graduate now implements modern-day pop culture references and Gen Z jargon to better breakdown budgeting, saving and investing.
Aside from being a well-respected financial analyst, Mykail James is taking the fiscally responsible road of a young woman in her 20s by saving her coins and living with her parents. "I am blessed to live at home with my parents, but I am saving up for a home and dedicate $1,300/month to my future home," she admitted to xoNecole. There's no shame in her game and we absolutely love that she is making everything right before up and leaving her parents' pad.
In this installment of "Money Talks", xoNecole spoke with the Washington, D.C. bred budgeting expert about her tactics to save more by making access into her accounts harder, her parents not allowing her to work through college and her four category budget breakdown.
On her definitions of wealth and success:
"Wealth is constant, sustainable access to financial means. I define success as creating the life of desire. Success is not a specific thing, it is a collection of accomplishments that create a desired life and feeling. Success is a constant state of life happiness."
On the lowest she’s ever felt when it came to her finances and how she overcame it:
"My parents, specifically my dad, signed a Parent Plus Loan to put me through college. I have my own $75K student loan bill, but one day I saw his total bill. His bill totaled over $100K and my stomach dropped. My parents worked so hard and the only way we could afford college was through loans and it put lots of things into perspective. It's a constant reminder of what I'm working towards. The first thing I did was purchase a life insurance policy, because I wanted to be sure that my father could afford to pay off my debts if the unthinkable happened. I realigned my goals and created a new vision of what financial freedom would look like. It no longer only involved my freedom, but also my parents."
On her biggest splurge to date:
"My biggest splurge was a $5K VIP Day for a business coaching program. I bought it because I thought it would be the magic key to creating a great and profitable business. It did not."
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
"Wealth is constant, sustainable access to financial means. I define success as creating the life of desire."
On whether she’s a spender or a saver:
"I consider myself a saving spender. I love spending my money on experiences, great restaurants, and traveling. Because I know I can overspend if I don't watch myself, I created a separate spending account. I give myself $200 in spending money every paycheck, so about $400/month. I also make it extremely hard to get access to my savings. I use vehicles like Certificate Deposits (CDs) and unlink my high yield savings accounts from my other bank accounts."
On the importance of investing:
"10% of all my income is dedicated to investing outside of my 401(k) plan. Investing is the true key to financial freedom and when your investments pay for your lifestyle, you create real sustainable wealth. I invest in my 401(k), Roth IRA, individual stocks, index funds, and I am an angel investor in some small businesses."
On her savings goals and what retirement looks like to her:
"Currently, my savings goal looks like having 18 months of living expenses to take a corporate sabbatical. I don't want to work my entire life and then retire. If that's what adult life is, I don't ever want it. My goal is to take 'mini-retirements' throughout my corporate career and have enough cash flow to take on any role without financial stress. When I get to traditional retirement age, I see myself part of angel investing groups giving financial access to the new wave of entrepreneurs."
On her budgeting must-haves:
"Diversified bank accounts and automation. There are three basic bank accounts at separate banking institutions I need to have: Bill pay, high-yield savings, and spending. Also, having my bills on autopay and direct deposit is how my budget stays on track."
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
On her intentions behind multiple streams of revenue:
"My revenue streams [are]: Content Creation, Books, Speaking, Workshops, Events. It took a while to truly understand where my revenue comes from. Entrepreneurship is new for me, it was never my intention to become an entrepreneur. But I had to be true to myself and learn what I like about my work. I enjoy creating engaging, informational content and speaking. Those are the parts of the business that I love and those are the skills I work to perfect the most.
"Multiple streams in my business make sense because I want financial literacy to be accessed in several ways. For those who cannot afford books or live instruction, they still get lots of valuable and actionable information from my content. And while I would teach and create content for free, it's expensive to create quality content and lesson plans. To continue, I have to have multiple streams."
On unhealthy money habits and mindsets:
"I had to let go of using my age as a limiting factor and letting society determine the life I desire. I have been looking for a blueprint for the life I want and trying to stick myself into other predetermined paths. When I realized that there isn't a blueprint already created, I began to dream bigger. There is no age limit for happiness and living the life you deserve. I began practicing gratitude for the life I have in the present, the life I have lived in the past, and the life I will live in the future. Bigger dreams opened my mind to creating the life I truly want to live. I understand that my vision for my future is for me and if others cannot see it that's perfectly fine. They weren't blessed with my sight and I can't fault them for that."
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
"I have been looking for a blueprint for the life I want and trying to stick myself into other predetermined paths. When I realized that there isn't a blueprint already created, I began to dream bigger. There is no age limit for happiness and living the life you deserve. I began practicing gratitude for the life I have in the present, the life I have lived in the past, and the life I will live in the future."
On her money mantra:
"I am grateful for the money in my bank account at this moment, the money that was in my bank account in the past, and the money that will be in my bank account in the future."
On the craziest thing she’s ever done for money:
"My parents didn't allow me to work during college to focus on my grades. So during the summers, I would work as much as I could to save up enough money to last through the school year. One summer, I had two retail jobs and a summer internship. I got so sick because I barely slept and that's when I realized that I would never have more than one job, rather I would find a way to have one job that paid like three. I made an insane amount of money that summer but it was not worth sacrificing my health."
On the worst money-related decision she’s ever made:
"My worst business decision was not asking for help. While planning the Young, Rich & Responsible Virtual Summit, I originally thought I could do everything by myself. I had a big goal but thought that the team of me is what all I needed and I quickly got overwhelmed. I almost sabotaged myself and my business by trying to keep everything to myself. When I got a team and asked people to help support me is when the event became bigger than me and helped to serve my community in a much bigger way."
On her budget breakdown:
"I break my budget down into four simple categories: Income, Expenses, Savings, and Spending. I don't try to nickel and dime myself or stress out over every line item."
Gas/car note?
"Car note is $251/month. Pre-coronavirus, I spent about $160 on gas, but now I spend less than $40 a month."
Personal expenses?
"$400."
For more information on Mykail James, follow her Instagram.
Featured Image Courtesy of Mykail James/Tequilla White Public Relations
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Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
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Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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