

I've gotta hand it to them. While the Black streaming channel Fox Soul is relatively new, I've made the time to check out some of its content (we've got to support our own, y'all) and I dig where they are going with it. One show, in particular, that a lot of the xoTribe may enjoy is Out Loud with Claudia Jordan. She explores topics like how sex is for women over 40, what single mothers would do differently if they could, and why Black women creatives are so oftentimes overlooked (when pretty much every industry uses us as their muse. SMH).
Another show that I sometimes catch on there is called On The 7 with Dr. Sean. One episode I watched, in its entirety, featured actor Isaiah Washington. Because I continue to be baffled by him going over to the Republican party, and because I agree with the wisdom of Dr. Sean when he said at the beginning of the episode that, "We live in a culture where people dim you because of your conclusions, but they don't understand, sufficiently, your reasons," I decided to hear Brother Washington out. I still don't get it. I really don't. But he did say something that helps to set the stage for where I'm going with this piece. When Dr. Sean asked him if he would rather be respected or liked, Isaiah took a long pause and said, "Both." That threw me. There is always such a, shall I say, "strong energy" about him that led me to believe that being liked wasn't actually a relevant matter to him. But as I clicked off of that episode and presented that very same question to myself, I've gotta say, being respected won out by a landslide. I'll explain why.
What Does It Mean When Someone Likes You?
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Let me just say, off the rip, that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. Ideally, when interacting with individuals, Isaiah is correct in the sense that it would be awesome if they liked and respected you. But that wasn't what was asked. The question that was posed to him was, if he had to choose between like and respect, which would it be? And yeah, that isn't what I think needs to be our top priority. Let me tell it, part of the reason there is so much drama, both online and off, is because there is way too much time, effort and energy either being put into being liked or getting all in a tizzy if someone isn't liked that much. Why do we care? Why do we really care?
It's just a theory, but I'm gonna put it out into cyberspace. Feel free to share your thoughts about it. There are plenty of articles that point to the fact the social media is "feeding the monster" when it comes to making individuals more narcissistic. You can check out ones like "Excessive posting of photos on social media is associated with increase in narcissism", "Narcissism and Social Media: Should We Be Afraid?" and "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists" and see that it's a topic that shouldn't be ignored. And since narcissism is a word that is used a lot these days, let's quickly review what some of the traits are, according to an article featured on PsychCentral's website:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a very strong sense of entitlement.
- Is exploitative of others.
- Lacks empathy.
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
- Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Hmph. Now tell me that, whenever you log on to any of your socials, after five minutes, you don't see some, most, or even all of these things displayed. People are constantly posting their thoughts, views and insights (almost to the point where I'm wondering what else they do during the day) and when someone likes what they say, it's all good. Oh, but let someone provide a different perspective or even totally disagree and now they need to be canceled or silenced. Know what that is indicative of? Pure narcissism. If you can only interact with people who agree with you or praise you or you can't exchange thoughts without poppin' off and clappin' back, not only are you putting yourself on a pedestal, you are also significantly stunting your growth as an individual. It's like what one of my favorite quotes says—"If you only see things through a keyhole, everything will be keyhole-shaped to you." Not only that, but your narcissistic tendencies will, whether you realize it or not, constantly drive you to want to be liked; quite possibly, above anything else.
And here's the interesting thing about the word "like"—when you like something (or someone), it means "take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial" them. Pleasure is enjoyment. Finding something agreeable means you find it to be conformable. Congenial means "suited or adapted in spirit, feeling, temper, etc.; compatible." Know two things that all of these definitions have in common? One is that wanting someone to like you has little to do with anything but you. You want them to take pleasure in you, to conform to you, and to be suited to you. Two, all of this points to feelings and feelings are both fleeting and fickle.
Don't believe me? Think about some of the celebrities that you "liked" two years ago that you don't anymore. Or, a little closer to home, think about some of the friends that you once liked that you know longer do. To spend a lot of time, effort, and energy wanting people to like you is to spend a lot of time, effort, and energy on investing in folks' ever-changing emotions and, at the end of the day, your ego as well. That can have distracted, uncomfortable and to a large degree, unstable and unproductive as well.
My most genuine, comfortable and honestly, easy relationships have been with people who I don't have to get to try to like me. At the same time, I don't have to try and like them. Know what else? There are some things that we find agreeable and there are some areas where we are compatible, but there are also some places where we couldn't be more different. It's those that actually make the relationship so valuable because we challenge each other, we influence each other to evolve, and that happens because we respect each other more than we like each other. What I mean by that is, we "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability" (which is one definition of respect) far more than we look for ways where we are alike or we find pleasure in each other. And so yes, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and hard lessons have brought me to the conclusion that I would much rather have someone see my sense of worth than simply enjoy having me around. The first is lasting; the second is totally unpredictable. (Somebody in a dysfunctional relationship needed to hear that. Please never forget that point.) Hands down, I would rather be respected than liked—any day of the week.
Why You Should Prefer to Have Them Respect You Instead
If you're still not totally convinced that being respected is better than being liked, here's a story that just might sway you. I like to support independent films (especially Black ones) whenever I can. One that I recently re-watched is Plug Love. This time, it held a bit of a different meaning because one of the main characters is a huge Kobe Bryant fan. (Mercy, y'all. I'm pretty sure it will be quite some time before we hear his name and there isn't an "ouch" that reverberates somewhere in our spirit.) Anyway, the more the character bragged on Kobe, the more I thought back to what may have very well been his last podcast interview.
On January 8, 2020, ALL THE SMOKE podcast (with Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson) featured an interview with Kobe Bryant. In the roughly 40-minute episode, a lot of ground was covered. One thing that stood out to me was Kobe's response to when he found out that some people don't like him. (He was a complex guy; some didn't). While some might find what he said to be flippant, I found it to be how folks act when they care more about being respected than being liked. He basically said, "OK…and who are you?" In other words, what do you bring to my personal world that should make me so concerned about whether you enjoy me or agree with me—or not? Being liked wasn't a big deal to him. Full stop.
On the flip side, though, unless someone is a flat-out hater—and yes, I do know that those kinds of folks exist…unfortunately—you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who didn't respect him, if not as a person, as an athlete. In his 41 short years on this planet, reading his Wikipedia page alone will exhaust you—"five NBA championships, was an 18-time All-Star, 15-time member of the All-NBA Team, 12-time member of the All-Defensive Team, was named the 2008 NBA Most Valuable Player (MVP), and was a two-time NBA Finals MVP winner". How can you not esteem this man's sense of value, commitment to excellence and his totally incomparable and, in some ways, supernatural abilities? All of what Kobe made happen was not the result of him sitting around and trying to figure out ways to be liked all of the time; they came from focusing on how to be his best person by his own standards. It came from doing what needed to be done in order for him to respect himself; it's that kind of mindset and drive that tends to cause others to respect you.
It's basically like what the Margaret Thatcher quote up top speaks of. Ask anyone who actually knew Kobe personally, and they'll tell you that his dedication to his craft was almost to the point of being obsessive. You didn't have to like or "get" why he was so into his gift; he did. And whatever it took to excel, he was going to make that happen. Compromise wasn't an option. We can clearly see the fruits of his labor. Yes, they deserve our utmost respect.
No compromise. Every day, I see examples of people who either prefer to be liked over being respected or they don't really know the differences between the two. I say that because in order for folks to "like them", they will compromise—if not outright sacrifice—their values, their ideals, their dreams…whatever it takes to keep folks agreeing with them or finding pleasure and satisfaction in them. And again, like Margaret Thatcher said, if you are going to put yourself in that position, there's a huge chance that you won't accomplish much. At least not anything that you can truly be proud of and at peace with.
So yeah, I'll take being respected over being liked any day. I think Kobe would agree with me, which puts me in some pretty good company. Bottom line, being liked is cool but if you've got to choose, go with respect instead. It's healthier. It's more beneficial. It lasts longer. Literally.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Respect Someone's Path When It's Nothing Like Your Own
How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser & Start Doing You
Featured image by Giphy
- Women Need Love and Men Need Respect? | Psychology Today ›
- What is more important: to be liked or respected? - Quora ›
- Entrepreneurs Should be Respected, Not Loved - Both Sides of the ... ›
- Ask Jo: Is it better to be liked or respected? - Be Leaderly ›
- Is it Better to Be Liked or Respected at Work? | HuffPost ›
- Interview: Would You Rather Be Liked or Respected? ›
- Why the Most Successful Leaders Don't Care About Being Liked ... ›
- 42 Ways to Make People Like and Respect You - The Muse ›
- Why It's Better To Be Liked Than To Be Respected | Fortune ›
- Women business leaders need to be respected more than liked ... ›
'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Pack A Travel Case With These 12 Items For Amazing 'Summer Vacation Sex'
It’s kind of funny that while I’m literally in the process of writing this article, the Los Angeles Times published “How to get lucky on your family vacation” hours prior. LOL. Although this year marks a bit of a dip in the amount of Americans who plan on taking a summer vacation (because this administration ain’t making coin-keeping easy, y’all) — it’s still being reported that around 53 percent will do so in the name of rest, relaxation and spending quality time with their loved ones.
And for many, the loved ones category absolutely includes their bae. And if that is the case, that probably means that sex is somewhere on the menu.
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
It can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
If you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
I’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
Packing some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
If you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
Who said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
Speaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
I don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
Going through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
Say that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
I think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
Morning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
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