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No Baby, No Problem: Why It's OK To Not Want Children
At the tender age of 32, I've decided that having children isn't something on my bucket list that I want to achieve. Honestly, it never really has been. Of course, when you're a teenager you daydream about marrying, and having a child with your crush in history class, but as I've gotten older, I'm starting to realize that being a mother isn't in the cards for me. One of my favorite podcasts to listen to while at work is Small Doses with Amanda Seales. I happen to scroll through certain episodes and click on the ones that speak the most to me. On November 28, 2018, she had an episode titled: "Side Effects of Not Having Kids".
What she was explaining to the listener is that we as women have a choice. It is our natural choice to say on one hand you want a child, and then completely change your mind two days later. The freedom to choose should be respected by the same people who made a choice to have a child.
Let's start with a little background.
I am the oldest of four. I have two sisters and a brother. My mother and I have made a verbal/non-verbal agreement that her kids are my kids. No matter what, I'm the next matriarch in charge. As a child, I took being a big sister seriously. I wanted to change the diapers, feed them, change them, bathe them, and sleep next to them. If being a big sister was a career, I think I would be retired by now, vacationing in the Bahamas. Subconsciously, I knew that my younger siblings watched every move I made. I was their leader. When I got older, I couldn't wait to babysit.
Everything was second nature to me when it came to tending to my siblings, or anyone else's children. Back then, I had fun. It was set in stone in high school that I wanted twins and that that would be final. But as I started to see my peers become mothers at an early age, it changed my perspective on if that was what I really wanted.
The tiny glimmer of baby fever came when I found out my lovely sister was pregnant with my niece. The growing baby bump and being in the delivery room really made me reconsider that notion. Once seeing the tip of that baby's head comes in contact with the doctor's hands, my dream quickly dissipated. As I've gotten older, I'm starting to see my purpose in life. My nurturing has always come from a place of love. It warms my heart to see children grow right from our very eyes. To hear them speak, laugh, and have this thirst for knowledge has always made me enthusiastic. During my babysitting days, one of the things that I might have enjoyed too much after a long day is returning the child to its biological parent(s).
Deciding to become a parent should be taken seriously. I'm sure half of the U.S. population were "oops babies". We were not planned.
In a scientific sense, you have to examine your family pathology just like you would reveal to your doctor your family history. Who are the deadbeats in the family? What is your relationship like with your parents or other family members? Was there any kind of domestic abuse in the family? Did you grow up in a family of scholars? Most of those characteristics are a part of our DNA. Am I willing to pass down my "mess" to an innocent child? I love children too much to take that kind of risk. Will my child be depressed like me? Will my child have to endure scoliosis like me? What about missing a finger or a toe? That would be selfish of me to do that.
Granted, we all have problems and issues within us and amongst family and friends. I'm sure there are a lot of issues that need to be dealt with–they are also issues we probably don't know exist within us. I'm all for doing the work, correcting your wrongs, telling yourself what you are willing, or not willing, to do. Sorting through your own parents' parenting techniques and making sure you choose the ones that were beneficial to you to pass on. Having a child isn't like going to the drive-thru and ordering the number one with extra cheese. Once the child is here inhaling this polluted air, you can't shove him or her back up your birth canal. What's done is done at that point. Those were the things I would think about at eighteen and nineteen years old. I never thought about the cute baby clothes or the child's first birthday party.
The hesitation that I have is, will this child be screwed up before he or she can even say, "Mama".
I want to thank my own mother for not pressuring me to gift her with grandkids. Luckily, that was never a priority she pushed on me personally. The only thing that was said that confused me was, "When you find someone you love that might change." Which brings me back to the Amanda Seales podcast. It was one thing she said that really went straight to the point of how I always felt. She states: "[Somehow] this penis is going be so persuasive I would all of a sudden want a kid." Me being headstrong would not allow a man to convince me that my womb needs to be occupied.
As I've gotten older, I've created a list of five reasons as to why I don't want kids:
First, the fact that I might "lose myself" scares the hell out of me.
I'm putting in all of this work to align my chakras and to find out who I am, but risk losing it again once a child is here. All of one's energy is orbited around the child. After a while, I can only imagine how a mother can put her interests and hobbies on the backburner. You forget what makes you happy, and what brings you joy and peace. The question I want to propose is, if you've lost yourself, how do you think your child would interpret that? As a mother, do you think your child will love you more or less? So, let me get this straight. You lost yourself, but at the same time, you are encouraging your children to find themselves? When does "leading by example" come in?
Second, these mixed emotions that mothers have about their children.
One minute they discuss how the pregnancy was terrible, equipped with swollen ankles, and stretch marks; but in the same breath, they'll state the "children are a blessing". The horror stories about labor, vomiting, nausea, and going to the restroom every three minutes because of a six-pound baby putting pressure on their bladder. I haven't heard a woman say that they've enjoyed the process from start to finish. What made it all "worth it"? As of right now, I don't see it.
Third, at the age of 19, I had some sort of a revelation that out of all of my sisters, I would be the one with fertility problems.
At the time, I didn't know much about infertility, IVF or adoption–all I knew was that I would be the chosen one to endure infertility. Fast forward to 2016, it was discovered that I have a fibroid. According to UCLA Health, fibroids are more common in African American women. After my endless Google searches about fibroids, the stories I did come across explained that conceiving a child is, and has been, difficult. The endless doctors' visits and pelvic examinations can make any woman wanting a child go insane. I personally don't want to endure the heartache most women feel trying to get pregnant. Directing you to paragraph one of this article "being a mother isn't in the cards for me". I've lived with this body for almost 33 years. I have a clear sense of what it is capable of doing at this moment. Having children isn't one of them.
Fourth, I'm selfish.
Not the "I want all eyes on me selfish". Or the selfish that loves receiving, but not giving. I'm talking about being selfish with my time, my money and my freedom. I love waking up and going to bed when I want, I love eating what I want. I love doing what I want. I'm on nobody else's schedule but my own, and I really enjoy that space. I can always focus on becoming a better me. I would rather volunteer my time to five children than to focus and care for one. I believe I'm more powerful in that way. Leaving an everlasting impression on children/adults, is how I leave my mark on the world. At this point in time, I'm not willing to give up my freedom.
Lastly, I'm more excited and joyful meeting a man to marry, rather than figuring out if he would be a great father.
My dream is to have a companion and to spend the rest of my life with one companion. Stepchildren, I will always welcome, because again I can return to sender. The fact I can marry someone who stepped up to be "my person" is so much more joyful to me. We would experience freedom.
Whatever was the norm in your household probably isn't the norm. It's the card you were dealt, and you decided to care for and love that card. Maybe I don't want to do what he, she, or they did. Maybe I'm comfortable living this life I have now. Dealing with depression is almost like a two-year-old child you have to tame. The whole point of this piece is to let women know that it's OK if you don't want children. You are not odd or weird. Not having children doesn't make you less of a woman. Being incapable of not having children doesn't make you less of a woman and that's totally fine if you change your mind about it in the future. Children aren't my priority. My mind, body, and soul are. Being love, giving love, and walking in love is a priority.
Article originally published on Vocal Media
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Writer, Empath, Listener, Self Improver, and a motivational speaker to her homegirls Teisha LeShea currently resides in California who loves to add fifteen million items to her Amazon cart. She is passionate about wellness, spiritual improvement, leveling up, and setting up twice a month therapy appointments. She writes with you in mind. Her listicle and personal stories will inspire you to dig deep within yourself to be a better you. You can follow her on Instagram @teisha.leshea and & @tl_teisha.leshea
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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