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If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him
Not too long ago, I penned a piece for the site entitled "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?" Ultimately, I did it for two reasons. One, I think it's a topic of conversation that isn't addressed nearly as much as it should be. Secondly, although it does indeed happen, my own work with couples has shown me that, when a lot of people feel that way, it's because they realize that while they may have loved their partner, they simply didn't know enough about them before saying "I do" (hence other pieces like "10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating" and "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him").
I say it often because it can't be said enough—going out on dates shouldn't only be about romance and spending quality time. Once you get past around the third one and you both decide that you see a potential future together (I can't tell you how many women I know who made this kind of decision all on their own; yes, you can think you are in a relationship all by yourself), the time spent really should be about getting to know each other way past the surface level.
Then, if after a few months or a couple of years, it looks like you guys are headed towards that stroll to forever, there are definitely some things that your man needs to have in place before you put on an engagement ring. For starters, things on this list that, if you take them seriously, can significantly decrease your chances of regretting marrying him later up the pike.
If I need to put all of this more plainly, I don't care how much you love a man, if he's lacking any of these things, do you, him and your potential future together a favor and wait until he gets these issues handled.
1. Clarity Concerning His Purpose
Please allow me the opportunity to use the Bible to illustrate the first two points because, whether you follow Scripture or not, I think you'll get where I'm coming from. If you read Genesis 1-2, you'll notice that before Adam was joined to his wife, there are two things that he already had—a relationship with God and a purpose/job. What this means to me is that a man is not in the position to provide, protect or lead any woman if he's not clear about why he was put on this planet. Plus, it's going to be really difficult for you to be a vessel of support and encouragement if he doesn't know what the heck he is doing with his life.
This is why I'm not big on people putting pressure on each other to get all serious in college. College is the time to figure out what your life path is going to be with as few distractions as possible. Then, once you know, it's easier to figure out who will be a great complement for you.
Your purpose, by definition, is "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc." I know a few grown men who have no clue what their purpose in life is. Not only does this bother them, but they tend to get involved in counterproductive habits—lots of women, etc.— to cope with the frustration that they feel. I get it too because there's a bit of an identity crisis that comes with not knowing what you're put on this planet to do. Do you really want to marry a man who doesn't really know himself yet? Especially since, once he finds out what his purpose is, it could totally change him as a person? Don't answer right away. Give this one some real thought first.
2. Healthy Boundaries with His Parents
Even the Bible says that once a man and woman are joined in marriage, they should leave their parents and cleave to one another (Genesis 2:24). Unfortunately, there are a lot of folks who seem to miss the memo, big time, on this. Parents are still co-signing on loans and paying their bills. Women are going behind their husband's backs to get daddy to buy them things (SMDH). And, a lot of men are mama's boys.
How can you know if your man is one of them? Does it seem like his mother is constantly at his beck and call? Does she seem to know more about his current life than you do? Does she do things for him that he really should be doing for himself (cooking, cleaning, etc.)? Does she offer you unsolicited advice without him telling her if/when she's crossed the line? Does he always seem to take her side even when she's dead wrong?
I've got a friend who is married to a mama's boy. She has told me on more than one occasion that while she loves her husband, had she known how dependent he was on his mother (and how much he allows his mother to manipulate him), she would've never said "yes" to his proposal. That's a pretty heavy statement.
A man who loves his mom is endearing. But if he doesn't have established and consistent boundaries with both of his parents, don't assume that will miraculously change after the two of you jump the broom. That's something that needs to be discussed on the front end. As soon as possible too.
3. A Spiritual Foundation
The word "spirituality" comes from the Latin one spiritus which means "breath of life". If you think about the fact that the Scripture tells us that God "breathed life" into Adam's nostrils (Genesis 2:7), it makes total sense why most of us associate spirituality with having a relationship with a higher being.
When you think about the fact that there is plenty of data to support that having a sense of spirituality makes us more humble, compassionate and forgiving, that it makes it so much easier to deal with life's trials and challenges, and that it also makes us more optimistic and self-aware—why wouldn't you want a husband who comprises all of these attributes? Someone who relies on something bigger than himself?
There's another benefit of being with a spiritual person. Author Henry Ward Beecher, "Spirituality without morality is rootless." Although spirituality is not automatically synonymous with morality (it should be but that's another message for another time), someone who makes their spirit a priority tends to be more sensitive when it comes to their conscious and life choices. This is definitely important when it comes to honoring their marriage vows on day one—and fifty years later.
4. Good Credit
I already know. This is the discussion that people try and avoid like the plague, but if they want their marriage to go smoother, they really shouldn't. According to reports, nearly a third of Americans have a credit score that's lower than 601 (although the current average for 2019 is sitting at around 695). 30 percent have bad credit. We all know that credit is important, especially when it comes to making major purchases like a home or car. Yet, you'd be amazed by how many dating or engaged couples don't share their score with their significant other.
I once heard a financial consultant say that our credit score says a lot about our character. The reason why is because if we say that we're going to do something, including pay a bill, we should keep our word; that it speaks to our level of integrity. While there are extenuating circumstances that can sometimes make this challenging, for the most part, he's right. I know the times when my credit has been jacked up, it's because of late payments or tax issues; things that I could better control if I had been more financially proactive and responsible. Ask any wife in the world and they will scream from the rooftop that you definitely want a man who is financially on top of things.
So yeah, mostly definitely, credit scores should be a topic of discussion. If his is under 700, I'm not saying don't marry him. But I do think it's a good idea to give the relationship time for him to get those points up (you too, if need be).
5. A Financial Plan
Fail to plan. Plan to fail. Since one of the leading causes of divorce is financial stress and strain, it's also a good idea to see if you're dating the kind of man who makes financial plans for his future; that he's not the type of guy who is a financially irresponsible individual. And just what does a financially irresponsible man live like? He doesn't have any money in savings; he borrows money a lot; he has little, if any money after paying his monthly bills; he uses his credit cards more than cash; if you even remotely bring financially planning or retirement up, he changes the subject; he is always spending money on things that depreciate in value (like clothes, electronic "toys" and even cars), and he doesn't give you the impression that he pays his bills on time.
The reason why a lot of this stuff doesn't matter, nearly as much as it should, when people are dating is because, for the most part, their partner's money issues do not spill over into their own world. Oh, but once you are husband and wife, they most certainly will. Daily.
It can't be stressed enough that if your man is crazy with money, you should pump the brakes until he can get that under control. You know what they say—love is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't keep the heat on. So true, so very freakin' true.
6. The Ability to “Keep House”
A couple of days ago, I was talking to a wife who has been with her husband for many years. For whatever the reason, cleaning up came up. One of the things that she said has consistently been a point of contention in her marriage is her man sucks at making up the bed and picking things up off of their bedroom floor. His lack of cleanliness in that way made it hard for her to sleep; it has even affected their sex life because she "can't relax in mess".
When I give advice to people in new relationships, if there are two rooms of their partner's house that I recommend they check out, it's the bathroom and the bedroom. If the toilet and bathtub aren't clean and/or there's a stench in the bedroom, you're going to be in for a very uncomfortable ride in marriage; even more so if he's the one with the jacked up home and, when you bring it up, he's got an "that's what I've got you for, babe" attitude.
There are plenty of studies that support that couples who do chores together are happier in their relationship. You know what else? They have more sex too. That's why I don't care how fine he is, how well he dresses, even how great of a line-up he has—if there are always shavings in his sink, his appearance is gonna fade real fast if you make him your husband and you're always the one cleaning up after him.
7. Resolved “Baby Mama” Issues
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 13.7 million single parents in the United States. Studies also reveal that 59 percent of Black American women have children with more than one father and 24 percent of single-parent homes are led by men. All of this is enough data to make this point a relevant one.
There's one guy who I once considered "forever" with. In hindsight, I'm glad that I took a pass because he had four children by two different women. With one woman, I could never really tell if they are fully over one another. With the other, because their child came from a one-night stand, there was always profound tension between the two of them. Between hearing about the "bond" with the first one and the drama with the second, it started to get draining—to the point of being a deal-breaker.
Being a stepmother is a beautiful thing because it is an awesome responsibility that a woman chooses to do. But if your man isn't co-parenting in a healthy way with the mother of his children, ask any woman who minimized the importance of that before marrying her husband. I bet she has days' worth of stories that will make you rethink getting married until he has peace and resolve—or at the very least respect—with the mother of his kids.
8. Being Civic Service-Minded
I don't know about you, but there's nothing sexier to me than a man who sees a cause and puts his own time, effort and resources into them. Not only does it display a certain level of selflessness and sacrifice, it also shows that he cares about his community and humanity, at large.
Case in point. I recently read an article about 50 Black men who were honored several years ago for the contributions that they made to their community. Keith Young teaches youth how to design and develop their own video games. Chris Rabb teaches entrepreneurship to low-income individuals. Rashuan Williams teaches youth how to care for their environment. Norman Hurns has a youth camp for young men to develop necessary life skills. Wayne Jacobs assists ex-offenders.
I have no clue what any of these men look like. I don't need to in order to already recognize something that's very beautiful about them. There's something that is just so good about a man who gives back. It can only improve the quality of your marriage if you choose a husband who has this in his character.
Tip: If you suggest to your man that he should volunteer or contribute to his community and he gives a lot of push back, don't sleep on that either. You want a man who is giving. It helps him to be a good partner for you.
9. A Desire to Be Intimate Without Always Being Sexual
I remember a wife once telling me, "Shellie, getting married isn't about sex so much as it is about cuddling. You realize that so long as you get that, you won't need sex quite as much." First, speak for yourself, sis and two, I should've asked her husband if he echoes those sentiments. Because sex is one of the main things that makes a marital union different from any other type of relationship, I 100 percent believe that it's important, exponentially so, in a marriage (see "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"). I also believe that if two people are physically capable of having sex and they don't, something is very wrong in the relationship (also see "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage").
At the same time, I will say that it's a pretty significant red flag if you're in a relationship with someone who only comes close to you if he thinks or expects that sex—any type of sex—is about to go down. A man (especially a man who is preparing to be a husband) should be mature enough, romantic enough and self-controlled enough that he doesn't think that every kiss or even make-out session should result in nakedness.
Any married couple will tell you that there are ebbs and flows in sex. That's why it's critical that you get with someone who knows how to pull you close and be intimate without sex having to be on the menu each and every time he does so.
10. Wanting to Be Married Without You Prompting Him
Have mercy, y'all! Without a doubt, a HUGE mistake that far too many of us make is getting involved with and emotionally attached to a man who doesn't desire marriage when we most absolutely do. Unfortunately, a lot of us assume that just because someone is a great guy and has feelings for us that it will eventually blossom into a marital union. It's an epidemic, just how much that is absolutely not the case.
Yeah, never ever ever assume that. Personally, I am a huge supporter of someone saying three dates in that they are interested in a long-term relationship. Wait, let me be more specific; if what they mean by that is marriage, they should say marriage. Although some people say that bringing this topic up comes off as pressuring a person or desperation, what I think is it separates the men who want the same thing from the commitment-phobes.
I mean, don't you want a man who desires to marry you without any prompting on your part? If you can't say that's what you have right now, it's perfectly OK—encouraged even—to wait before hinting, throwing ultimatums or whatever other ideas you've got that you think will convince him to marry you. You deserve a man who wants to all on his own. Don't marry "him" until you know for a fact that he does.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
We Asked 10 Men What Makes A Woman "Wife Material"
You REALLY Want To Get Married. Why Is That?
7 Signs A Great Boyfriend Could Be A Bad Husband
Feature image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisoned has returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of like an article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form of Inspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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