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What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage
Something that I make a point to tell every engaged couple that I come into contact with is, "Make sure you have sex on your wedding night." There are a billion reasons why I think it is so important. For starters, in this context, consummate literally means "to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse". This means that the marriage vows don't "complete" your wedding day; having sex with your spouse does. Also, if you can prioritize cake eating and picture taking, you can make sure to get it in (what matters, we make time for…right?). Another reason why I think it's a big deal is because it's really unfortunate—and a little shocking—how many couples don't copulate on their wedding night. How many? According to one pretty popular study, a whopping 52 percent!
What I find to be even more interesting than that is some of the same reasons why newlywed couples don't do-the-do on their first night as husband and wife are the same reasons why a lot of people (some studies say 20 percent) are in a sexless marriage—fatigue, poor communication, fighting (couples who fight on their honeymoon are more likely to fight throughout their marriage, by the way), stress, side effects from medication, not factoring in your partner's needs and even kids (some people are with their children on their wedding night and/or end up not taking a honeymoon).
And what technically makes a marriage sexless? If you and yours are only having sex 10-15 times a year, although I hate to break it to ya, that places you firmly into the category. The reason why that's not something to simply shrug off is, aside from physical issues that would prevent you from having sex, there is not one sane therapist, counselor or coach would will tell you that a marriage without sex is healthy.
Sex is a responsibility in marriage (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"). Even the Bible says, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (I Corinthians 7:5—NKJV) Did you catch that? A marriage without sex in it is a form of deprivation.
But what if you already are in a sexless marriage? What should you do? Although it takes a while to restore a sexless union, here are some questions that can help you and yours to get back on track.
Whose Definition of “Sexless” Is It?
One time I was working with a married couple on improving their intimacy outside of the bedroom. As I was offering up some tips, the husband said, "It's gonna be hard for me to focus on that when we're damn near in a sexless marriage." The wife immediately sighed. Although we were on a phone session, I had worked with them long enough that I knew she was rolling her eyes. "How often do the two of you have sex?" I asked. Before the husband could answer, the wife said, "Three times a week." Wow. And that is what her husband considered to be sexless. Bless his heart.
Listen y'all, when it comes to sex, there is a big amount of space in between deprivation and straight-up greediness. Again, the official definition of a sexless marriage is couples who engage no more than around once a month. If you are getting more than that, while you and your spouse may be sexually incompatible when it comes to appetites, or you may need to come to a place of compromise regarding frequency, a sexless marriage, you two are not in.
So, if you are like this husband (because a lot of wives have stronger libidos than their husbands do) and you are telling yourself that your marriage is sexless simply because it doesn't happen as much as you'd like, make sure to get honest about the narrative. Not having sex as much as you'd like is nothing like a sexless marriage. Any couple in a sexless marriage will tell you that.
How Long Has This Been the Case?
If indeed you have narrowed down that it's been so long since you've had sex that you can't remember the last time that it actually happened (which is way too long), it's now time to reflect on how long "long" has been. Do the two of you have a pretty healthy sex life (for the most part) and it's only been a couple of months of MIA TLC, or is there more of a pattern going on?
There's one couple I know who are physically capable of having sex and claim that their marriage is fine. But guess how long it's been since they've had sex? Around three years. More than that if you count good sex. If there's one thing that is supposed to make a married couple's relationship different than all of the other ones that they have, it's the fact that they actually have sex with their husband or wife. If you're not making physical intimacy a priority in your marriage, why is that? No…really…why is that? It's not "just because". And whatever the real reason is? It's gonna reveal what's really going on in your relationship. Chances are, sex has very little to do with it too.
What Was Intimacy Like Prior to Marriage?
Something that can be a total set-up is thinking that sex, when you're married, isn't much different from sex when you are single. Shoot, you can check out "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex" to see just how off the mark that is. When you're single, a lot of times sex is about gettin' yours—on your schedule and on your terms. But any healthy married person will tell you that sex within a sacred union is about a lot more than climaxing. Selflessness, open communication, and mutual fulfillment are not only meant to be constant considerations but consistent goals as well.
Some people are in a sexless marriage because, although as a single person, sex was "fun" (because it was so much about them and not much else), they now view sex as "work".
If you add to that the fact that their past partners' needs weren't that big of a deal, now that their spouse's needs should be a top priority, they would rather pass on sex than mature into the kind of partner their spouse needs in order for them to have a happy, healthy and thriving sex life.
Single sex doesn't necessarily have to be intimate. Oh, but married sex should be. Are you struggling with emotionally connecting? If so, could that be the cause of your sexless situation?
What Does Your Spouse Have to Say About It?
Here's another sign that your marriage is unhealthy—whenever you bring up the lack of intimacy that's currently in your relationship with your spouse, they give you the Kanye shrug and go back to whatever it is that they were doing. The reason why I say that is because it's pretty rare that if a sexless marriage is going on, both individuals are completely fine with that.
Not to send you down a rabbit hole, but someone I know who is in one once told me that the only reason why I was giving their marriage a side-eye was because "I wasn't mature enough to understand that sex is not all that important, the older a couple gets." Guess what? About six months after they said that, they found out that their spouse had been cheating for at least a year. Before you pin it all on the cheater, how would you feel if it had been a couple of years since you had gotten some? Wouldn't you feel like your spouse had left you out to dry? Even the Bible says that a sexless marriage gives room for evil entities to do their thing.
In an article that I read on sexless marriages, it featured a study that said the coping mechanisms for dealing with this type of issue range from masturbating (79 percent) to having an affair (26 percent). But what really stood out to me is the fact that 51 percent choose to get into a hobby or (catch it) strike up relationships with other people. Hmm. I just read that around half of all emotional affairs eventually turn physical, so yeah, don't assume that just because your spouse is not talking about how they feel about the lack of intimacy and sex in your relationship that they are "fine". According to statistical data, they probably aren't anywhere close to being that.
Have the Two of You EVER Been on the Same Page Sexually?
As far as their intimacy goes, something that some couples share with me, is that it's easier to have less sex when neither of you were on the same page to begin with. If one or both of you were sexually active and not exactly "thrilled" with one another, sometimes you'll tell yourselves that things will get better after saying "I do". Then, if things still aren't quite right, after a couple of years of actually trying to get in sync or faking like you're sexually satisfied when you're really not. After all, faking is lying and when is lying to your partner ever a good idea?
What all of this boils down to is if you're in a sexless marriage because the poor quality has led to low quantity, it's time to get proactive. There are websites like The Marriage Bed that can provide information on just about anything you can think of sexually if you need help sparking up a conversation. It can also be helpful to create a sex vision board (check out "Should a Married Couple Have a Vision for Their Sex Life?") where both of you can share your innermost fantasies and desires. Personally, I am a huge fan of sex jars (you can read more about that here), and a sexcation can never hurt either.
Sometimes, navigating through a sexless marriage is all about perspective. Rather than surrendering to the belief that you are "doomed" to bad sex for the rest of your life, choose instead to see your situation as a lifetime to explore and evolve with your spouse. If both of you are committed to the goal of having a mind-blowing sex life, you're already halfway there.
Are You BOTH Open to Therapy?
In the article "7 Signs a Marriage Won't Last, According to Sex Therapists", I found it interesting that the #1 sign a marriage won't last is that couples no longer have sex. While I personally think that, if two people truly want to, they can overcome any obstacle in marriage, I will say that if you and yours aren't having sex and it's been that way for a while, trying to fix things on your own is probably gonna prove to be futile (because really, if you could, wouldn't you have by now?). The solution? Counseling.
But let me get specific about this. One time a husband told me that during premarital counseling at his church, he spoke very graphically about how important fellatio was to him. Because the people he was speaking with didn't "believe in" oral sex (what in the world?!), they sped past his point. He can count how many times he's gotten head in the almost twenty years of marriage (SMDH).
Where I'm going with all of that is this—if you're already a little hesitant about marriage counseling, make sure that you "interview the counselor" (or therapist or coach) before formally agreeing to become their client. You need someone who you and your spouse can feel totally comfortable with. Not only that but someone who is willing to broach every aspect of your intimacy—and non-intimacy—until the issue is resolved. Squeamish, super-churchy, and sexually pinned-up professionals need not apply. At all.
How “in This Thing” Are You?
"For better or for worse." When folks say that on their wedding day, it's kind of amazing how much they seem to focus on the better and underestimate how low the worst can actually get. A sexless marriage is hard, and to some people, it can even feel like a form of torture, but you really need to ask yourself if it's something to totally throw in the towel over.
One day, when you've got about 30 minutes or so, jot down all of the things that you love about your spouse. Then write down all of the things that disappoint you, including your less-than-stellar sex life. What has more things on its side? If it's the good stuff, isn't that enough of a motivator to stay and work on your marriage?
A marriage without sex totally sucks. I get that. But a relationship that consists of good sex and nothing else isn't much better. You up the chances of the latter being the case for you should you end the union that you are already in. The one you promised to stick with, even when times get hard.
BONUS: There’s No Time Like the Present
I must admit that one of the things that truly baffles me about sexless marriages is there is no time like the present to change the status of that type of situation. I mean, if two people aren't having sex—and again, they are physically able and there is no abuse that is going on—why not…start having it?
If your immediate thought is, "I hear you, Shellie but it's not that simple," then you are proving a point that I already made. Is the problem really about sex or is it something more? Much more?
The fascinating thing about sexless marriages is it forces couples to look at all areas of their relationship. If the act of sex itself is the last thing that you want to initiate in order to remedy your sexless marriage, resign yourself to the fact that there is something much deeper that is going on.
After all, as I oftentimes say, "Sex celebrates love, not creates it." Do you and yours have something to celebrate or not? The answer to that alone can get you down to the root of why you're currently in a sexless marriage.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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