

I've been married for a little over a year and everything I thought I knew about marriage has proven to be a lie. I don't know why I read the last part of that sentence in Maury Povich's voice, but it's true.
Of course, there were things now that I really wish I knew before I tied the knot. Would it change anything? Only my perspective for the better, which would subsequently change a lot of other things.
I think if I had known these things going into it, I wouldn't only be a better wife but more of a selfless person, which is what they say marriage is all about. Read on to learn more about the truths I've come to know.
It's OK To Change
I know there's this complete stigma about why you should know yourself before you get married. If you don't know and love yourself, then how can you love someone else? I get it. But I got married about three months after I turned 30. And while I thought I had myself all figured out, I certainly didn't. Little did I know I had a lot more changing and growing up to do. I had to come to terms and be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still on my "Cater 2 U," keeping myself up and staying the same chick he fell in love with when it comes to certain personality traits. But at the same time, I'm growing. I'm going to continue to grow, evolve, and develop for the rest of my life, and I'm good with that.
It's Not His Job To Complete Me
In no way did I expect my husband to complete me before we got married. I was actually super independent and had to learn how to let him do certain things. But when it came to emotions, I was totally looking for him to be what I needed at all times. That's not the reality of the situation.
I remember a couple of months after we got married, I would try and fish for some sort of compliment or reassurance that he didn't even realize I needed. I wasn't doing this on purpose, but hindsight is 20/20 and now I know that I was looking to him for validation and self-confidence. I felt like since he was my husband, that's what he signed up for. Yes, he's definitely supposed to make me feel good about myself. But the foundation of my confidence and self-love certainly shouldn't be found in him. I had to take time to get even closer to God and realize that's where my real source of everything I needed was discovered.
I Don't Always Have To Have It Together
When I was single, I always had in my mind that I would come home and cook every single night. I would make sure our home was always spic and span and smelling like roses and love. Girl, that did not happen. Let me just say that even months after we were married, I was struggling in a major way (I blew up a casserole dish on top of the stove), and still am to this day.
Now, I'm not a slob by any means, but our living space certainly looks lived in, which I actually like because it looks like home. We don't have to have this picture perfect lifestyle when it's just us at home. Like, who are we trying to impress? There are times when I'll clean up after him and pick up his socks or whatever, but I had to learn that it's not those things that validate me as his wife. It's okay to have off days and not always be on top of my game.
Speak His Love Language, Not Mine
My husband and I read The 5 Love Languages book before we even got engaged (I would definitely recommend it for anyone in a relationship), so I definitely thought I had this lesson in my back pocket when we got married.
Unfortunately, I was once again sadly mistaken. Looking back, I can't help but laugh and think "poor thing," because I would do things for him that I would want him to do for me, and expect him to be leaping with joy about it. And I really thought I was gettin' it, y'all. In reality, I was speaking my own love language with him, which wasn't in a way that he could even comprehend what I was trying to say.
I Have To Be Okay If Some Things Don't Change
A couple of months after we got married, we got into a very intense disagreement. It's not in either of our personalities to yell, so there weren't any voices raised, but it was bad. It was over a year ago, but we still point it to as one of the worst times. Once we got over that hurdle, we haven't had anything like it since. I'm convinced it's because this argument came with the biggest learning lesson -- I have to accept how he's wired. There are just some things that aren't going to change about him, just like there are things that won't change about me.
It's not enabling certain behaviors by any means, I just had to discover a way to be okay with his flaws and things I didn't like, and love him anyway. For me, that has been the biggest lesson. While I wish I would have learned it before walking down the aisle, I think experience is the only thing that could have taught me that.
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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