I've been married for a little over a year and everything I thought I knew about marriage has proven to be a lie. I don't know why I read the last part of that sentence in Maury Povich's voice, but it's true.
Of course, there were things now that I really wish I knew before I tied the knot. Would it change anything? Only my perspective for the better, which would subsequently change a lot of other things.
I think if I had known these things going into it, I wouldn't only be a better wife but more of a selfless person, which is what they say marriage is all about. Read on to learn more about the truths I've come to know.
It's OK To Change
I know there's this complete stigma about why you should know yourself before you get married. If you don't know and love yourself, then how can you love someone else? I get it. But I got married about three months after I turned 30. And while I thought I had myself all figured out, I certainly didn't. Little did I know I had a lot more changing and growing up to do. I had to come to terms and be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still on my "Cater 2 U," keeping myself up and staying the same chick he fell in love with when it comes to certain personality traits. But at the same time, I'm growing. I'm going to continue to grow, evolve, and develop for the rest of my life, and I'm good with that.
It's Not His Job To Complete Me
In no way did I expect my husband to complete me before we got married. I was actually super independent and had to learn how to let him do certain things. But when it came to emotions, I was totally looking for him to be what I needed at all times. That's not the reality of the situation.
I remember a couple of months after we got married, I would try and fish for some sort of compliment or reassurance that he didn't even realize I needed. I wasn't doing this on purpose, but hindsight is 20/20 and now I know that I was looking to him for validation and self-confidence. I felt like since he was my husband, that's what he signed up for. Yes, he's definitely supposed to make me feel good about myself. But the foundation of my confidence and self-love certainly shouldn't be found in him. I had to take time to get even closer to God and realize that's where my real source of everything I needed was discovered.
I Don't Always Have To Have It Together
When I was single, I always had in my mind that I would come home and cook every single night. I would make sure our home was always spic and span and smelling like roses and love. Girl, that did not happen. Let me just say that even months after we were married, I was struggling in a major way (I blew up a casserole dish on top of the stove), and still am to this day.
Now, I'm not a slob by any means, but our living space certainly looks lived in, which I actually like because it looks like home. We don't have to have this picture perfect lifestyle when it's just us at home. Like, who are we trying to impress? There are times when I'll clean up after him and pick up his socks or whatever, but I had to learn that it's not those things that validate me as his wife. It's okay to have off days and not always be on top of my game.
Speak His Love Language, Not Mine
My husband and I read The 5 Love Languages book before we even got engaged (I would definitely recommend it for anyone in a relationship), so I definitely thought I had this lesson in my back pocket when we got married.
Unfortunately, I was once again sadly mistaken. Looking back, I can't help but laugh and think "poor thing," because I would do things for him that I would want him to do for me, and expect him to be leaping with joy about it. And I really thought I was gettin' it, y'all. In reality, I was speaking my own love language with him, which wasn't in a way that he could even comprehend what I was trying to say.
I Have To Be Okay If Some Things Don't Change
A couple of months after we got married, we got into a very intense disagreement. It's not in either of our personalities to yell, so there weren't any voices raised, but it was bad. It was over a year ago, but we still point it to as one of the worst times. Once we got over that hurdle, we haven't had anything like it since. I'm convinced it's because this argument came with the biggest learning lesson -- I have to accept how he's wired. There are just some things that aren't going to change about him, just like there are things that won't change about me.
It's not enabling certain behaviors by any means, I just had to discover a way to be okay with his flaws and things I didn't like, and love him anyway. For me, that has been the biggest lesson. While I wish I would have learned it before walking down the aisle, I think experience is the only thing that could have taught me that.
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Are You & Your Partner Financially Compatible? Here’s How To Tell.
With nearly half of all marriages that end in divorce citing finances as the nail in the coffin to deading their relationship, financial compatibility is one aspect of long-term compatibility that doesn't get talked about enough. Beyond the circular 50/50 discourse and whatever hot-button issues regarding providers and the like, at its core, financial compatibility is about how well your financial behaviors, values, and long-term goals align with those of your partner.
More than it is about how much money a person makes or doesn't make, financial compatibility focuses on how you think about money, how you spend your money, and most importantly, how you plan for the future with your money. Think, questions about money mindsets, spending habits, debt, budget, etc. Are you a saver and he's a spender? Do you see money as a tool for freedom? Does he see it as something to hold on tightly to as a means of survival? Can you talk about your financial goals and plans openly?
Knowing if you and your partner are financially compatible can save a lot of heartache, a lot of headaches, and a lot of money in the end. Keep reading for a few key indicators to pay attention to and learn whether or not you and your partner are truly aligned financially.
Signs You’re Financially Compatible
1. You can talk about money without judgment.
Conversations about money aren't something you dread. You're able to talk to your partner freely and openly about money matters, like debts, bills, the budget, etc., even when it is uncomfortable. There is an understanding that talking about money doesn't have to be something you're on the defense about, instead it's an opportunity for transparency, clarity, and solutions.
2. You respect each other's money personalities.
What is a money personality? According to Ken Honda, author of Happy Money, a money personality is our "approach and emotional responses to money" and there are seven money personalities we can fall under. These personalities can help us understand our own relationship with money, as well as our partner's. For example, maybe you're someone who likes to treat yourself to a fancy dinner once a month and your partner is someone who believes ordering takeout and not cooking meals at home is a cardinal sin.
When you can respect each other's money personalities, neither approach is subjected to judgment and shifts can be made in each other's spending habits as needed and from a place of love versus guilt or shame.
3. You agree on what it means to have "financial security."
Whether it’s building a stacked emergency fund, paying off debt before putting a downpayment on a home or being able to splurge on a baecation without checking your account balance before the bill arrives, your definitions of what it means to be financially secure are in sync, or at least compatible enough to reach a compromise.
4. You are not each other's "financial parent."
You’re not constantly teaching, fixing, or stressing out over what the other person is doing with their money. Although I fast-forwarded through a lot of the most recent season of Love Is Blind, I did pay attention to Virginia and Devin and money seemed to be a recurring theme in their conversations. It was clear Virginia had her ish together when it came to money and her financial plans for the future and Devin was not quite on her level.
Though she said no at the altar for additional reasons, I could also see how sis could eventually get very tired of being her partner's second mama, so to speak. And that's the thing about being your partner's "financial parent," eventually, you could end up feeling like you are one-half of a "parenting" or "teaching" dynamic with your partner instead of feeling like you're equals in a partnership.
5. You make financial decisions with each other in mind, not for each other.
Whether it’s booking a trip, deciding which debt to tackle first, saving up for a big purchase, or planning out your next move, there’s a mutual respect for each other’s input. Those shared goals might look like wealth, freedom, stability, or just a debt-free life that feels soft and secure.
You don’t have to be chasing the same bag in the same exact way, but you do need to be aligned on the vision. What you're building should feel like a joint venture with shared effort and purpose, not one of y’all making major money moves like you're still single. Making financial decisions is not just about where the money goes, it's about where you’re going together.
6. You're aligned when it comes to the big stuff.
Financial compatibility extends to the long-term of money management. The legacy, structure, and shared responsibility that comes with decisions like shared accounts, estate planning, having babies, or even blending families. Will you split bills or combine income? Who’s taking time off if you have a child? How do y’all feel about generational wealth or investing for your family’s future? You and your partner have had the real conversations.
These conversations can’t wait until after the wedding or until after a baby’s here. They’re the foundation for how you function as a unit, and if you're not aligned, or at least willing to get on the same page, that incompatibility can cause friction in the end that love alone can't fix.
Love is cute and all, but building an empire together? That’s the real flex. Tap into our new series Making Cents to see what financial compatibility really looks like when love and legacy go hand in hand.
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