“Ma'am, what can I help you with today?"
“I'm ring browsing and would like to try on some engagement rings."
“Congratulations. This is an exciting time! Can I ask if someone is joining you today?"
“No, my boyfriend would like me to take a look at what I like and let my best friend know my picks. He would like it all to be a surprise, all of this is so exciting but scary," I said.
“I know the feeling, it will all be great, so let's get started," the sales representative at Tiffany's said.
I discussed, pushed, and pulled my boyfriend to understanding that I am a traditional woman. I want the ring, then the baby, and happiness. I am a godly woman who believes in marriage and being solely committed to one person. I explained that I did not want to be in a relationship for five years without a ring. Marriage became a frequent topic as family (my mom especially) began to ask those daunting questions.
So here I am, going into year three with promises of a ring within a year. I was elated that we were on the same page. After I left Tiffany's, I sat in my car and thought about my future engagement to my boyfriend.
Then, my fear of marriage kicked in.
Are we really going to do this? Am I really ready to be married? I am 26, but I am only 26. Am I the right woman for him? Is he the right man for me? Can I really be with only one person for the rest of my life? Have I had enough share of my fun before I making this leap?
All those questions came to me at once. I started to feel like walls were caving in. The lump in my chest would not go away. My heartbeat increased dramatically and my stomach began to fill with constant agony. Nervousness became my emotion for days as I started to feel like my freedom was going to be taken away. Why are these thoughts creeping in now?
Then one day, while in bed, the answers came to me. I remembered my psychology classes and how I learned that bad memories could cause physical and mental blocks or even sickness and anxiety. My bad memories about marriage began to surface. My mother's marriage of almost 10 years with my stepfather brings so many haunting and bittersweet memories.
My mom stopped working when I was seven years old and became a stay-at-home mom. She helped with homework, cleaned, and made sure we went to church. She instilled in us godly values. But, the dependence she had on my stepfather made my skin crawl. Their relationship was engulfed in volatility due to both their pasts and controlling personality traits.
My mom is very much opinionated, but her opinion became a little more persuaded by his. She would wear certain clothing or keep her hair a certain way because he liked it. She would keep a certain weight because he didn't like her too skinny. She would do things that I knew she really didn't want to do because he wanted her to. If they were mad at one another, he would leave and "desert" his family for that moment in time with no money or food, as she didn't have any money to feed us.
Moments being home eating Bologna and peanut butter spoons made desperation turn into anger and created a negative memory in my psyche. It was up to him how we ate, and his controlling ways and insecurities enjoyed that thought that he controlled every financial decision or even our mere essentials. I could never let a man control my financial sustainability.
At the age of 12, my mom re-entered the workforce. She began to regain some independence, and my stepfather did not like it. The vivid memory of my mom wanting her own car and he “deciding" it wasn't necessary rings through my mind. With my uncle's assistance, she purchased a blue Neon car. I was happy for her, but I could see the jealous look in my stepfather's face.
That jealous look created another negative impact on my psyche. He started to see the affects independence was having on my mom and his controlling ways and insecurities made him jealous and fearful that she would leave. She was going out more, socializing, and even becoming a little flirty. It took a toll on their marriage. Shortly after, she began to go back to being the dependent wife, hoping to save their partnership. All the while, I couldn't understand why she couldn't be an independent woman and still fulfill her wifely duties.
They eventually divorced when I was 16, and for the first time, I saw a sense of freedom in my mom. It seemed like she let go of something that was holding her back for so long. She regained her love for fitness, lost the weight she wanted to lose, found financial freedom, and became a new woman. For the first time in a long time, I saw happiness in my mom's face. I enjoyed seeing my mom truly independent and being the woman she always wanted to be.
Psychologists say when we first witness a scary or bad event, the thalamus relays sensory information to the amygdala, which stamps the memory as emotionally significant and stores it for future use in order to help us avoid future threats. The bad memory had created marriage as a threat in my mind--a threat I didn't know was there until faced with the reality of my own marriage. I had made a promise with myself that no man would ever make me feel guilty about being an independent woman nor make me feel less than a woman because of his insecurities. Am I breaking my promise with myself if I decide to wed?
There's something called balance. I have to let go of that negative memory that my psyche had held onto and create a new memory, a positive one. I can be the independent woman, and still maintain being a wife to my husband. Being independent does not mean I cannot be submissive. My soon-to-be husband does not have the same controlling and insecurity issues so I cannot measure him to a nonexistent standard. My relationship is not volatile nor will it turn into that. Beyond all, all marriages are different and the positive lesson I learned from my mom's marriage is the support, loyalty, and love they had for one another. I hope to maintain those qualities in my marriage.
They say every woman is different and so, for me, my marriage has to be 50/50 or a conjoined effort financially, emotionally, and physically. I now understand that about myself and feel grateful that he understood I was that type of woman before I did. I am a traditional woman, but I am also my own woman and have to live life by my own terms and conditions that would make me comfortable enough to sustain a lifetime marriage. I am not the housewife type of woman who cooks and clean and waits for her husband to get home. I enjoy the idea of both of us being financially responsible and some days I cook while he cleans or he cooks while I clean.
Many will say to me that maybe I am not truly ready for marriage, but would I ever completely be ready for marriage? My psyche will always tell me that I'm not, due to the bad recollections of the first marriage I witnessed, but I will not allow my psyche to control my life decisions, rather, I will control my own destiny and conquer marriage.
Sara Allie is an aspiring fashion stylist and writer from Baltimore, Maryland who is currently finishing up my bachelor's degree in English. Her future plans include moving to New York where she plans to start her own Fashion PR business.
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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