We've all heard the saying, hindsight is 20/20. Well, as a bit of a play-on words, I'm going to share some insights from people who are out of their 20s, when it comes to what they wish they had strongly considered or known about sex, back when they were that age. The objective? Well, if you're currently in your 20s and reading this, I hope that you will, as my mother used to oftentimes say, "use discernment as your teacher". If you aren't in your 20s, I encourage you to reflect on if you've shifted some things on the sexual tip since you were that age. If so, why? Following the why, how has it served you?
When it comes to aging, we oftentimes discuss how maturity applies to things like work and relationships. Oh, but there needs to be room made for sexual evolution too. Today, seven men and seven women (first names have been changed to honor privacy) are going to reveal some of their greatest takeaways in seven different sex-related categories. Pour yourself a glass of wine. This should get interesting.
1. About Sex Drives in Their 20s
It probably comes as no surprise to you (especially if you are out of your 20s), that sex drives are their highest for men who are between the ages of 18-20. Women? 18-24. While there are many factors that can affect our libidos, since age tops the list, I wanted to know what some folks thought about their changing sex drive, now that they are older.
Imani, 32, Single.
"Girl, it's stupid to only think that men have high sex drives. To this day, mine is higher than most of the men that I've had sex with. But when I was in my 20s, I could go on four hours of sleep for days on end and still be down for sex on a daily basis. Not those quickies either. Now? I can still give you a run for your money, but I need a couple of nights of eight hours and a nap the day of! My libido is cool. My energy isn't what it used to be, though. I wish I had known then not to take all of that 'always in the mood' vibe for granted."
Dexter, 39, Engaged.
"Remember when you talked to me about andropause a few years back? I thought that was some BS until around my 37th birthday. Lawd. I don't know what it is about being almost 40 that brings new meaning to 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak'."
"I wish I had known in my 20s to enjoy my energy and stamina while it lasted because there are some nights when my brain has thought up all kinds of nasty stuff to do and my body is like, 'Goodnight'."
(Andropause is basically male menopause, by the way. You can read more about it here.)
2. About Orgasms in Their 20s
Do you know how many people have told me that they didn't even have their first orgasm until they were in their late 20s or early 30s? For women, it's because they were more focused on pleasing their partner than being pleased (youth, chile). For men, they weren't aware that pleasure could go beyond ejaculating. Here, two people break down what these revelations meant for them once they got older.
Eleni, 41, Married.
"I can't tell you how many orgasms I faked when I was in my 20s. I used to think that it was because I wasn't capable of having orgasms. Now I realize that a lot of those young boys didn't know what the hell they were doing. Once I hit around 33 or so, I decided that if my partner couldn't please me, he either needed to figure it out or we weren't a good fit. Since then, I stay in the climax zone. If I could tell my 20-year-old self anything about sex, it would be, 'Don't settle because you certainly don't have to' and 'You are more capable of cumming than you ever thought'."
Brenden, 35, Single.
"When you're a young guy, you think that ejaculating is the goal. An older woman in my late 20s put me on to game and I learned that men can have orgasms that feel better than just 'having a nut'. I'm not sure I needed to find that out earlier than I did, though. I probably would've been a real mess in these streets if I did!"
3. About Oral Sex in Their 20s
The first time a guy went down on me, I was barely 20 and he was a grad student. Shoot, even my first love didn't do it until many years later during some rebound sex. I did it to him, though, because I wanted to make him happy (another article for another time when it comes to how selfish he was at the time). Anyway, in your 20s, you're just thrilled if someone does it to you at all. Sometimes it takes years (and years) for you to come to the conclusion who is actually doing "it" right.
Lavon, 37, Married.
"Back when I was in my 20s, there was still such a stigma on oral sex. My parents never discussed it and my girlfriends who did it were lying about; that it didn't help. You can't convince me that it's not an intimate act, that it is sex and you should definitely select your sex partners wisely. But bay-bae…there is nothing more sexually empowering than knowing you can turn your partner totally out by taking him into your mouth. If I hadn't been so 'scary' back then, it wouldn't have taken me five years into my marriage to become a real head pro."
Jarone, 41, Divorce.
"In your 20s, I don't care if you're in the giving or receiving end, you think you're doing something if you've got your mouth down there."
"Oral sex is a skill. One that few have truly mastered."
"In my 20s, on the receiving end, I was just trying to see how many women I could get to do it whether I thought what they were doing was good or not. On the giving end, I was doing it because my partner did it to me. Now, I'm not interested in a woman who performs with hesitancy or worse, her ego. And when it comes to cunnilingus — I have spent many years mastering the technique. If she ain't damn near climbing the walls, I'm not doing it right. And at 41, I care more than I ever did when I was younger."
4. About Sex vs. Romance in Their 20s
Someone told me my freshman year of college to have sex off of the yard, as much as possible, if I wanted to keep folks out of my business. For the most part, I heeded that advice. However, the times when I did have sex in a dorm room — ugh. I shudder at the thought of ever doing that again. My point? When you're in your 20s, horniness can supersede things like ambiance, romance and remembering that the brain is the biggest sex organ there is, so the art of sexual seduction is mad important. Two people share their thoughts on just that.
Dianne, 45, Divorced.
"Do you know that I didn't have sex in a nice hotel room until I was in my mid-30s and that was after my divorce? WTF was that all about? I'll tell you."
"When you're young, you don't realize how much of a privilege it is for a man to be able to be inside of you. You get older and wiser and you know that if he doesn't sweep you off of your feet, he doesn't deserve to put you on your back."
"Spending a ton of money isn't the point I'm making but damn, romance a sistah. She's about to give you some of the best that she's got."
Gregory, 40, Married.
"Guys like romance. We like the seduction process. That's why we get so hype off of lingerie. But it's not like a lot of us are told about sex while growing up, let alone how to 'woo' a woman. In my 20s, wooing wasn't important and women didn't require it. I think that some ladies need to hear that last part. Once I hit around 31-32, I started to get into setting the scene and also expressing what I liked as far as getting in the mood too. Maturity teaches you that the right atmosphere can really set the tone."
5. About Sexual Attraction in Their 20s
Damn, we take a lot for granted when we're young. On the body tip, our higher metabolism, for starters. Plus, because a lot of us are in much better shape (because of things like youth and a strong metabolism), we think everyone should have a great body. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't require too much more as far as sexual attraction goes. As we age, we learn that there really should be more than what meets the eye — even when it comes to intimacy.
Andrea, 47, Divorced.
"I dated some fine ass men in my 20s, you hear me? Fine as hell. Whew. And most of them were real assholes. Sexually, they weren't much to brag about either because some folks think they look so good that they don't really have to bring their 'A' game. I wish I had known back then that sex is better, not when someone looks good; it's when they treat you right. We all have things that turn us on but when you get older, a lot of them have less to do with looks. I'd forfeit that six-pack for a good kisser and someone who knows how to romance me right. In my 20s, I would've said the opposite. Bless 'her' heart."
Michael, 33, Single.
"In your 20s, your sexual standards can be pretty shallow. I think we all can admit that. I think it's because if we get someone who looks like a model, it somehow makes us feel like we're more attractive too. While I still prefer being with a woman who takes care of herself, a little bit of a belly actually feels kinda good and stretch marks, right on the hips are kinda sexy. You start wanting real more than anything. I think that's my biggest lesson about it all."
6. About Casual Sex in Their 20s
I've shared in several articles on this platform what casual means (without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned; without emotional intimacy or commitment). I do it in hopes that folks will get that casual sex is more than a notion…because it is. Two people share with me/us what they wish they took into serious consideration about casual sex when they were younger.
Brooklyn, 30, Single.
"Here's what I think is so crazy about casual sex — you can still get pregnant or an STD from it, so how 'casual' is it really? I think something that happens when you get older is you realize that a lot of stuff comes with serious consequences."
"Look, I used to jump out of swings and trees when I was younger too and that could break a bone or worse. Looking back, some men were inside of my being who were not even close to being worthy. I just thought it was recreational, but sex is deeper than that. If I could go back and tell my 20-something self anything, it would be that even condoms can't protect you from some of the bulls — t that men will put you through once they've had your parts. I'd use way more caution. With sex, it's too weighty to just 'keep it casual'."
Vashawn, 42, Divorced.
"If you're waiting for me to say that I regretted having casual sex when I was younger, you'll be waiting forever. I don't. I do regret certain activities that I did with certain women, though. I know a lot of y'all think that we [men] have no levels when it comes to sex but that's a lie. Now that I'm back single again, there are some women I'll engage in intercourse with and that's it. Oral sex? Oh, we've gotta be a couple of steps up from casual for that to go down. There's nothing wrong with casual sex. You've just got to remember that it's still sex and you need to think through what kind of sex you want to have with casual partners. That's where I'm at now."
7. About Committed Sex in Their 20s
Something that I tell some of my clients (especially the super religious ones) is a lot of singles aren't interested in waiting until marriage to have sex because so many married folks are a crappy example of that type of union (real talk). It's like singles are literally terrified of committing their world to someone else, only to end up with less fun, happiness and sex than when they didn't share a house and name with someone else. The point? Married couples, we're watching you. Give us something good to look at. With that said, two people share their thoughts on committed sex now in comparison to when they were younger.
Stephanie, 33, Engaged.
"Only two men have ever given me an orgasm — my first love and my fiancé. I've spent a little bit of time trying to figure out why. The conclusion I've come to is they are the only two men who completely had all of me. When you can trust someone fully, you can give your all and that makes the sex absolutely unreal. As far as what I would tell my 20-year-old self about all of this, it's weird because I was 18 when my first love and I started having sex. Well, I take that back. I think I would tell 'me' that those other guys? The lack of orgasms wasn't about anything physical; you just weren't in sync with them. Sex is better when you are with another person, so wait for that."
Dion, 38, Married.
"No man with a brain and a conscience is gonna say that non-committed sex is better than sex when you're in a real emotional zone with someone. Now, what we will say is sometimes we miss casual sex because all of the stuff that happens outside of the bedroom can feel like it's not worth it. But when you love a woman, she holds you down, you've been through some real things and there is a sexual chemistry — she runs circles around the rest of these women. In my 20s, I didn't want to be committed, so that wasn't my focus. What I would tell that version of me is sex in a serious relationship is worth it. Don't let your crazy friends who've never experienced it tell you otherwise."
There you have it. 14 people sharing what they would share with their younger self. It can't be said enough that life is about growth. Bottom line, make sure that you're growing as a person, when it comes to your sex life too. Nothing should be stagnant or it's counterproductive. Remember that.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
This New Scalp Care Line Is Exactly What Your Wash Days Need
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
When it comes to healthy hair care, there are a few things that will help you achieve healthy strands: a healthy hair care regime, hydration, consistent treatments, and scalp care. While scalp care is one of the most neglected practices, it is also one of the most important. Why? Because it helps promote healthy hair growth, clear hair follicles, and remove build-up.
When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
7 Underrated Signs That He's Truly 'Marriage Material'
While in an interview a few months back, someone asked me what I personally thought it meant for someone to be “marriage material.” Off top, the first thing that came out of my mouth is that it had to be an individual who actually desires marriage (more on that in a bit) because that kind of person will be proactive about doing what needs to be done in order to prepare for that kind of life journey.
Another indication that someone is marriage material is they don’t see marriage as just “a long-term relationship.” Yeah, don’t get me started on the fact that a part of the reason why divorce is so high now is people think that a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic is the same thing as a husband/wife one. It absolutely is not. Marriage-minded folks hold marriage in high regard, which means that they seek out someone who isn’t a “we’ll see how it goes” when it comes to relationships; nah, they are looking for the complement who will be far more permanent. Marriage-minded people are vow-keepers (‘til death do us part), not just sentiment-sayers (I love you, boo).
Marriage material — and please get this one all the way down in your spirit — is also about not just sitting around rah-rahing about what you deserve. What I mean by that is people are not truly ready for marriage if they’ve got a what-I-want-in-a-spouse list that is 10 miles long, yet they aren’t even 30 percent of what’s on the list themselves. Listen, I will forever say until every single cow comes home that if you are out here declaring what you DESERVE in someone else, that means, by definition, that you are QUALIFIED to have all of those things. And qualified means “having the qualities, accomplishments, etc. that fit a person for some function, office, or the like” (which is why you can’t be out here dictating what you deserve without hearing what others feel that they deserve in return).
Geeze. With all of this out in the open, I probably should write an article about signs that a woman is ready for marriage (noted). For now, let’s dive into some unsung signs that a man is truly marriage material — so that you can discern, quicker, who is the better “husband fit” for you.
1. He Knows His Purpose
We’re gonna have to take this article to church a bit because, when it comes to the topic of marriage, it’s my personal opinion that a lot of them don’t last because people fail to factor in the spiritual component that can help them to truly see the distance. And when it comes to men, if you look at the Bible, two things that Adam (the first husband who’s in the Good Book) had before his wife was BROUGHT (he didn’t pursue her; she was brought, by God, to him — Genesis 2:24-25) his way is he had a relationship with God and a life purpose (Genesis 1-2).
And since the way that a woman is first defined in Scripture is being a helpmate (the Hebrew term for this is ezer kenegdo which translates into lifesaver — Genesis 2:18) to a man — does it make sense to marry someone when you don’t know what you’re helping out because he doesn’t know what he’s here to do in life? How can you complement what is so vague and unsure?
That’s why I’m not a fan of folks expecting marriage during college. College should be about figuring out who you are outside of your parents and also discovering what you want your life path to look like. If you come into school knowing and you’re consistent about it, cool. Yet if you have no idea, that’s okay too; take your time and get some clarity.
Anyway, bottom line here is, some definitions of purpose are “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal,” and when a man is purpose-minded, there is a level of clarity, maturity, and moving-with-intention about him that is totally unmatched. That’s part of the reason why the late and super great Dr. Myles Munroe was so big on men knowing what their purpose is in life — it says a lot about him.
So, if you’re currently seeing someone and it seems like he’s dragging along as far as moving forward in your relationship, I recommend asking him, “Do you know your purpose?” It will reveal a lot about him. It can also bring some insights on if you’re a good fit for each other — whether right now or later. Trust me. Try it.
2. His Dating Life Is Intentional Instead of Random
Men who are ready for marriage don’t tend to be vague about it; they realize that time is of the essence, so they tend to make that pretty clear upfront. Another thing? Their actions will line up with their words.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be racing to the altar in a year or less; however, what I can assure you is that marriage-minded men are not going to be out here casually dating. Casual literally means things like “without definite or serious intention” and “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; relaxed; nonchalant,” and no man who is gearing up for a wife rolls in this kind of head or even heart space.
I will give a heads-up that, initially, this doesn’t automatically mean that he will be exclusive with you — and honestly, he shouldn’t have to be. If he wants to figure out who his right life partner is, he should “interview” a few women (same goes for you if you desire a husband). However, the process will not drag out for years on end, and once he has figured out who the one is for him, he tends to have no problem not just cutting other ties but getting engaged sooner than later.
In other words, I don’t know too many marriage-minded men who take more than a couple of years to not just date someone but get engaged in that timeframe, too (check out “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married”). That’s why, if you find yourself dating someone for several Christmases, you definitely should ask them if marriage is even on their radar. Chances are (especially if they are over 35 as a guy)…it isn’t.
3. He’s Seen a Therapist. Or a Life Coach. Or Both.
Uh-huh. If the first thing that came to your mind is, “Yes, please see a therapist,” honestly, it is my opinion that ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET MARRIED should do so. I don’t mean go to premarital counseling once you are already in a serious relationship or engaged (although yes, you should definitely do that, too); I mean that…getting prepared for marriage includes making sure that your mental and emotional health and well-being are in a really good space and a therapist and/or life coach can help to make that happen.
Should you see both? Maybe. Check out my article, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do,” so that you can get some clarity on that. What I will say, for now, is that a therapist tends to deal with things of your past as they offer up some tips and insights on how to handle your present and future, while life coaches (ICF-certified ones, that is) focus on asking you the kinds of questions that can help you to get a handle on how to handle your present and future.
I have a male friend who is the COO of a life coaching company, and one of the things that he and I have discussed is a lot of men who are serious about planning for their future will see a life coach, especially when it comes to their professional life; the main reason is that it can help them to get things organized so that they are prepared for a wife and family.
My takeaway from that? Asking a man, eh, maybe 4-5 dates in, if they have ever seen a therapist or life coach could be pretty revealing. Because even if the topic of marriage has not even been broached yet, what it can reveal is how proactive he is about getting his life in order — and that’s always a good thing.
4. He Can Clearly Articulate Plans for His Future Wife
Thanks — yet no thanks — to rom-coms, far too many people think that it’s fine to get married just on feelings alone. Yeah, please don’t do that. It’s also another article for another time that people who are serious about wanting to get married will be in a consistent state of preparation whether they are in a relationship or not.
When it comes to what that looks like for a man, one thing to keep in mind is he will be able to clearly articulate what he desires in a wife (by the way, please don’t try and challenge a man about what he wants; he has to live with her and, besides, you wouldn’t want him to do that to you. Either y’all are a good fit or not, yet don’t attempt to control his own narrative). Not only that, but he’ll be able to explain why he thinks a wife would be a good fit for him in this season, what he wants to bring into his future wife’s world, and some of the short- and long-term plans that he has for her and their marriage.
In other words, he won’t be like a guy I know (who is now divorced after 15 years of marriage) who, when I asked him why he was getting married (when he pretty much sucked even as a boyfriend), all he said was, “If I don’t do it now, I never will.” His marriage proposal was piss-poor, the marriage flailed the entire time, and even on the back end, he comes off as pretty nonchalant.
So many people’s marriages are less-than-impressive, even to them, and a huge part of the reason is that they failed to plan for their spouse and their marriage. They put a lot of thought into the wedding…and that’s about it. Red flag, red flag…RED FLAG.
5. He’s Emotionally Intelligent
Okay, so before we dive into this particular point, you might be tempted to assume that being emotionally available is the same thing as being emotionally intelligent. Yeah…not really (check out “5 Signs A Man Is Emotionally Available. 3 Signs He's Not.”).
While emotional availability is about being open to sharing your feelings and meeting the emotional needs of others, emotional intelligence is all about things like understanding emotions, articulating emotions, and maturely handling one’s emotions.
Listen, out of all of the things that we’ve already touched on here, a lot of people end up in divorce court because not only did they choose someone who was pretty emotionally unintelligent, but they also were lacking in that particular area themselves.
That said, emotionally intelligent people are:
- Proactive in praising other people
- Gracious and grateful
- Able to use more than “mad”, “sad” or “happy” to describe how they’re feeling
- Also able to receive feedback
- Great listeners
- Express themselves well
That’s 10 traits, and honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what emotional intelligence requires. Yet, I’m sure you can see that if more people looked for someone who was emotionally intelligent, it would definitely make their relationship — and their life, in general — go so much more smoothly.
6. He’s Sexually Healthy
This one, boy. Okay, so when I say that he should be “sexually healthy,” I’m not just speaking of him having a cleared STD test. No, what I mean is — and this is somewhat of a Shellie-ism more than anything — I don’t really trust ANYONE who claims that they are ready for marriage while they are still out here all willy-nilly in these streets, male or female. Because if you don’t have some sort of sexual self-control leading up to your wedding day, jumping a broom isn’t really going to change much of anything. Why? Because a wedding is an outward expression of some inward adjustments and decisions that have already transpired.
So yeah, a man who is truly marriage material? It shouldn’t be odd to you if he’s been abstinent for a season (several months or more). It shouldn’t seem strange to you if he speaks of sex from less of a recreational space and more of a spiritual and intimate one. If he admits that he used to be, umm, “super-friendly” and now he wants to take things slow, don’t assume that he’s got someone on the side — it could be a form of sexual discipline that he’s displaying (and good for him).
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of wild to say, yet I’ve got several male friends (over the age of 37) who used to be beyond promiscuous, who’ve all told me that it’s been months now since they’ve had any form of sex. None of them are in a serious relationship or necessarily even looking for one; they’ve just said that sex, just to be having it, has gotten old. Plus, oftentimes, the drama that potentially comes with it isn’t worth it, so they’d prefer to focus on self-work and wait until sex with someone is more meaningful (hey, they have no reason to lie to me; we’re just friends).
Guys like this? They are pretty close to being marriage-minded. Straight up.
7. He Actually WANTS to Get Married
Final point. Although it might evoke a collective "duh" from some of y'all, you'd be amazed how many women end up wasting very precious time that they will never get back, and it's all because they got involved with a man who liked or perhaps even loved them yet he didn't desire to get married. And either because they simply assumed that he did or they thought they could "love him into" wanting to be a husband, they ended up getting their feelings hurt. Extremely so.
Another thing to keep in mind? A man who wants to get married has no problem vocalizing it very early on. Meaning, on the third date, it won't be foreign for him to say, "I would love to start a family in the next couple of years," without you even having to coax it out of him. Guys who aren't interested in marriage — they tend to deflect from the topic altogether as much as they possibly can.
As we close this all up, I will say that it's important to keep in mind that just because a man doesn't want to be a husband, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy — GREAT even. So please don't manipulate matters by thinking that a man who doesn't want to be married somehow has some sort of "issues" (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" and "12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage"). Thinking like that speaks to your projecting more than anything else.
All I'm saying is a guy who is marriage material is a guy who will say, out of his own mouth, that marriage is on his menu, and so he will engage you in that manner — meaning, he will take time with you seriously, and if you are a good fit, he will state it; if he thinks you are not "his one," he will share that too…so that you both can get out of each other's way.
The thing about being “marriage material” is you’ve got to be cut from the kind of cloth that has marriage on your mind — not constantly yet enough to where you move with clear, thoughtful, and mature intention.Hopefully, this article sheds some (additional) light on what this looks like for a man. Hopefully, it also served as a heads up — or reminder — on what, in many ways, he’s looking for in a woman too. Proceed with discernment, y’all. And keep me posted. #winkLet’s make things inbox official!
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