Yes. Married Couples Should Definitely Have A Nighttime Routine.
Typically, when people think of a nighttime routine, little children are who come to mind. Yet the reality is this is something that can be super beneficial for us as adults too. While I will be sure to put one together for us single folks sooner than later, today, I wanna offer up some tips for married couples. The reason why is simple. No matter how many husbands and wives that I work with, if there's a common thread that's among them all, it's the fact that they suck when it comes to going to bed. What I mean by that is, unless it's for the purpose of sex, a lot of them don't go to bed together and, if they do, they treat their bedroom either like another home office (laptops and work stuff all over the place) or an entertainment center (watching TV and constantly scrolling online). None of this creates a truly relaxing environment nor does it encourage couples to get in a few moments of intimacy together.
So, let's do it. Let's explore 12 ways that spouses can come up with a nighttime routine that can help them to chill out, sleep better and get closer to one another in the process.
1. Schedule in 30-60 Minutes Together. Every Night.
Around this time last year, I wrote an article entitled "7 Things Married Couples Should Do...At The END Of Their Day". One of the things I mentioned that really can't be expressed enough is the importance of carving out 30 minutes for nothing but quality time — and no, sitting in front of the television doesn't count. The reality is that couples, on average, only spend 2 ½ hours together and that includes the weekends. That's why it comes as absolutely no shock to me that some couples contemplate divorce, simply on the basis of "we grew apart". I mean, how were you gonna get closer if you don't even talk? You schedule in work. You schedule in exercise. You should definitely schedule in quality time with your partner. Making that a part of your nighttime routine is a way to make that happen.
2. Share ONE Need That You Have. THAT Day.
If needs never switched up, our spouse would be able to easily satisfy — as they do the same thing for us — on the daily. However, that isn't even close to being the case. Since no one is a mind-reader (no matter how much some people may think that there are), it's important that you and your boo are given the floor to articulate what your needs may be.
The reason why I think that this is an important part of a nighttime routine is because couples often don't get to really mentally and emotionally connect until they are doing some pillow talking (which is another reason why I think it's important for couples to turn in together, at least a couple of times a night, every week). And why did I say just ONE need? Because you don't want to overwhelm your partner, especially right before they are turning in. Stating one thing gives them enough information to be able to "take your temperature" and ponder without feeling super burdened down. It oftentimes can give them insight on how to approach you the following day as well. And vice versa.
3. Sip on Some Herbal Tea
I mean, I could list red wine here because it can help lull you to sleep (or get you pretty horny) yet at the risk of not trying to turn our readers into a lush, how about some herbal tea instead? While it's not uncommon for some of us to snack on junk food (all sugar and carbs are really gonna do is stimulate you), even while sitting in the bed, teas like chamomile, lemon balm, passionflower, peppermint and kava all contain properties that will relax your nerves and calm your mind. And if you add some honey to your cups, believe it or not, it will provide your brain with enough energy to keep you from waking up (funny how that works, huh?).
4. Put on Some Music
I spend quite a bit of time just randomly researching stuff. Something that I found to be interesting is there happens to be one song that has received constant raves for making people fall asleep. It's called "Weightless" and it's by a Manchester-based band called Marconi Union (it happens to be a whopping 10-hours long, by the way). Anyway, whether it's that or some other kind of playlist that is soothing to you, even if you only listen while getting ready for bed, because soft music is scientifically proven to regulate your hormones (including your stress hormones), if you and your boo have had a hard day, listening to some music together definitely couldn't hurt.
5. Read Together
Here's the thing about this particular point. There's a study that says that spending six minutes reading before turning in can reduce your stress levels by as much as almost 70 percent. Meanwhile, the blue light that comes from your television screen can jack up your melatonin levels and make it more difficult to fall and/or stay asleep. This is just one more reason to either get or keep your television out of your bedroom. As far as reading goes, there is something very romantic and sweet about a couple who decides to cuddle up and read a chapter or two of a book together. When's the last time you and yours did that? Hmm.
6. Swap Out Your Lamp’s Light Bulb
After the two of you have read something, swap out your lamp's bulb to something that is a little more romantically erotic like maybe a purple, blue or even red. It only takes a couple of seconds and can definitely put you and your spouse into the mood of relaxing — or something-else-ing. Speaking of something-else-ing, if you're curious about which color bulb will boost your libido the most, word on the street is that it's orange. Interesting.
7. Incorporate Some Aromatherapy
Something that easily takes more of my money than it should are AirWicks. I like that I can just plug them in and not worry about having to blow them out like candles or that they will create any smoke like incense. That said, whether it's a scented plug-in, a scented soy candle, an oil diffuser, some incense or even sprinkling some essential oil onto your bedding, make sure that you incorporate some aromatherapy into your bedroom space, each and every night. It reduces stress, helps to manage pain, treats headaches and migraines, decreases anxiety and yes, can improves your quality of sleep if you do it on a regular basis; especially if you incorporate it in the way that you're about to check out in the next point.
8. Give Each Other a Hand or Foot Massage
By definition, aromatherapy isn't just about appealing to your sense of smell via plant extracts/essential oils; it's about using these things to allow them to be absorbed through your skin too. This is where a hand and/or foot massage comes in.
By rubbing on the pressure points in your partner's hand, you can help to reduce bodily discomfort and decrease their stress levels. By rubbing the pressure points in their feet, you can assist in increasing blood circulation, reducing tension, fighting depression-related symptoms, reducing swelling and promoting a better night's sleep.
This is especially the case if you rub them down with some lavender oil (7-10 drops) mixed with a carrier oil like sweet almond oil or avocado oil (1/3 cup). The reason why lavender is so effective is it actually increases what is known as "slow-wave sleep" which, at the end of the day, helps to slow your heart rate down and relax your muscles. If you and your spouse take out 5-7 minutes, every night, to do this, there's no telling how much better you'll both feel in the morning! For tips on how to give a hand massage, click here. As far as the feet go, check out this video here.
9. Tell Each Other Something You’re Grateful for (in Your Relationship)
A novelist by the name of Cynthia Ozick once said, "We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." I agree because I can't tell you how many times I have looked at a couple and been like, "When is the last time you actually focused on the good about your relationship — and each other? Lawd." There are many mental health experts who say that our brains are automatically wired to see the down/negative side of things. You know what this means, right? If we want to keep a positive outlook on our relationships, we've got to be intentional about seeing the good. One way to put this into practice is to commit to not closing your eyes for the night without verbally expressing to your spouse something about them that you are grateful for. Make sure you're being sincere. Avoid adding any "buts" to the end of your statement. And don't say the same thing, night after night. You know, they say that it's hard to stay angry or irritated when you're laughing. Same point applies to when you're in a state of gratitude.
10. Turn on a Fan
OK, so I am definitely the person who will set my thermostat to 68 degrees and still have a fan on while I'm sleeping. I like the room to be cold and then to snuggle up in a comforter.
The two main reasons why I think this should be incorporated into a couple's nighttime routine is 1) the room being cooler makes it easier to want to generate some body heat (if you know what I mean) and 2) the sound of a fan can produce white noise.
White noise is dope because it has the ability to drown out any other "background noises" that might make falling asleep difficult.
11. Cuddle. Even If Only for a Little While.
If you've ever heard that it's not the best idea to get anything larger than a queen size bed when you're married, there is some truth to that. Unless one or both of you are very large or tall, choosing a bed that puts distance between you can keep you from touching while you sleep and, on some levels, that can affect intimacy. However, whether you prefer to be up under each other or to kinda do your own thing as you sleep, do make it a part of your nighttime routine to cuddle, at least for 10 minutes. Cuddling also reduces stress. Not only that but it can boost immunity, lower blood pressure, encourage candidness in communication, relieve physical pain and make you hornier. So, whether it's spooning, hugging, putting your head on your man's chest or some other cuddling position, try and get into it for a little while every night. If the two of you are naked, even better!
12. Wake Up At Least 15 Minutes Earlier to Pray Together
Even if you're not the most religious person on the planet, there's no way around the fact that many studies point to there being many health benefits when it comes to prayer. It can boost your self-confidence, make you more empathic, release anxiety, make you more positive and even increase your longevity. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 — NKJV) Starting off your day by praying with your partner can give you the assurance that you both are closer to the Lord while doing what can benefit your mind, body and spirit, long-term. Can't think of a better reason to make this the cap on your daily nighttime routine. Can you?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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