

Place Of Refuge: This Is How To Make Your Marriage A Sanctuary
I've shared in articles before that, pretty much every man who I've been intimate with, they have left some one-liner that has remained with me, even all of these years later. And if there's one that I bring up, shoot, at least every fifth counseling session, it's something that an ex once said to me; something that I find to be truly beautiful and more accurate as time goes by — "A woman should be a man's sanctuary."
I think a part of the reason why it hits so close to home, to me, is because I work with a lot of couples where it's more like a proverb in the Bible where it says that it's better for a man to live on the roof than with a contentious woman (hey, take that up with Scripture, not me. It's referenced in Proverbs 21:9, by the way). Someone who's contentious is quarrelsome. Someone who's contentious is combative. Someone who's contentious is contrary (just to be contrary). So, basically what the Bible's saying is, when you live with someone with that kind of energy, the place to find peace would be your roof because you definitely won't get it within your home.
Hey, if that triggered you, I don't know what to tell you because all it does for me is remind me that, even as a single woman, when folks are in my presence, I should want them to feel more peace than a lack-of-peace. And that when I'm talking to my clients — husbands and wives — I need to remind them to offer that same kind of space to their spouse. And an exquisite word that sums all of this up very well — again, to me — is sanctuary.
Why “Sanctuary” Is Such a Beautiful Word
Usually, when folks think of a sanctuary, it's a church that comes to mind. I get that, being that a popular definition of the word is "a sacred or holy place". Yet if you really let that breakdown marinate, do you get how a sanctuary can also be your home and your partner (I mean, even the Bible says that our body is a temple in I Corinthians 6:19-20)? Among other things, sacred means "regarded with reverence" and "secured against violation, infringement, etc., as by reverence or sense of right". Your home should definitely be regarded with reverence (check out "7 Signs That You Truly Respect Your Spouse (& Your Marriage)") and you and your partner should both feel like neither of you would intentionally violate the other. As far as holy goes, one definition is "dedicated or devoted to the service of God" while another is "having a spiritually pure quality". Regardless of what your particular faith may be, being spiritually compatible with your spouse (check out "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone") while making sure that your motives, words and actions come from a pure space as much as possible is also a way to have a supremely healthy union.
Personally, I'm a big Hebrew girl, so I also know that the Hebrew word for sanctuary is "mikdash" which speaks of being set apart, in part, for rest and refuge. And y'all, I can't tell you how many spouses — I'm gonna be real, it's mostly husbands — who tell me that they dread the thought of going home because rest and refuge are the last two things that transpire within their dwelling space. And y'all, this simply should not be the case. If there is any place where a husband and wife — especially a Black husband and wife within these United States — should feel like they can put down their guard, be at ease and seek refuge, it should be within the confines of their own home.
Speaking of refuge, that's a powerful word as well. Let's look into it, just a bit deeper too.
What Does It Mean to Be a Place of Refuge?
No one wants to live in a home where they feel like they are going to be bossed around (check out "Are You His Partner Or His Second Mama?"), nagged, berated, constantly criticized or anything else that cultivates more anxiety and stress than anything else. Well, when a house is a home that is a refuge, it is the opposite of all of these things. When something is a refuge, it is "shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc." and "anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape".
When you are married, your home — and your being — should feel like you are shelter from danger and a place where your spouse can escape to, as they provide that same kind of reality for you.
Unfortunately, this isn't even close to being the reality for a lot of couples. Instead of protecting their partner from as much hurt, harm and danger as possible, they are the actual cause of a lot of it. I'd venture to say that a part of the reason why is because many of us did not grow up living in a home that felt like a place of refuge and definitely not like it was a sanctuary (lawd). And so, we've been programmed to think that love and contention, drama, peace-less-ness can — and even should — coexist when really, that isn't the case at all. Just look at the Love Chapter of the Bible. What about it sounds like combativeness, hostility or strife?
"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies." — I Corinthians 13:4-8(Message)
In all actuality, love reminds us to be a sanctuary space and place of refuge for our spouse. And gee, just imagine how many marriages would improve, exponentially so, if one of their biggest priorities was to make sure, that above all else, this was the case? And just how can you commit to making this all happen in your own relationship? I've got six suggestions.
6 Ways to Make Your Union a Sanctuary Space
1. Create a "You're Safe Here" marriage-themed mission statement.
I'm big on mission statements. They're a concise and to-the-point way to get us to stay focused on any particular mission at hand. So, when it comes to your marriage, get together with your hubby and ask him to create a "you are totally safe here" mission statement for your union. Discuss what it means to be safe and what you both are committed to offering each other so that you both will feel that way. Then post it somewhere where you both can see it on a daily basis. I'm telling you, this simple tip does wonders.
2. Leave being hypercritical at the door.
You should hold your partner accountable as they do the same for you. There is no doubt about that. However, if you are constantly chastising and ridiculing, that is going way overboard which makes it a surefire way for your spouse to build up walls or emotionally shut down completely. You know, I really can't believe how many people will dish out being hypercritical and then cave the minute even a remote correction is sent their way. Oftentimes, that's a sign of extreme insecurity but that's a message for another time. Anyway, supporting and encouraging your partner to live a healthy and responsible life is one thing. Acting like a drill sergeant is something else. You don't want someone to be that in your life, so why would you send your husband through that type of madness? Exactly. Don't.
3. Keep some things ONLY between you and your spouse.
I'm not going to name any names because, well, I'm just not going to (LOL) but there are some celebrity wives that have me thinking, "So, are you just on a mission to humiliate your husband at every turn?" Goodness. When you signed up to have your spouse's back until death parts the two of you, there really needs to be certain things that remain solely between the two of you, no matter what. Some of his past. Some of his secrets. Some of his "tender spaces". And certain things about your marriage too (intimate details about your sex life comes to mind).
One of the best things about feeling like your marriage is a sanctuary is the fact that you know that there are things that will never go beyond your spouse's ears, no matter what, because they care about your heart, just that much. And having that kind of assurance is what causes people to open up even more which cultivates new levels of intimacy over time.
4. Know how to comfort your partner.
How many of y'all remember the Shai song "Comforter"? OK, while ole' boy was slick trying to break a couple up by saying that he would comfort the girlfriend since her boyfriend was a hot mess, my main point is the hook — "I will comfort you." Comforting someone consists of soothing, consoling and reassuring them. It's also about making them feel as physically comfortable as possible. When's the last time you did that for your husband? When's the last time he did that for you? Unfortunately, instead of a lot of people putting forth the effort to "restore to assurance or confidence" when their partner is down, self-doubting or even just had a bad day, they say and do things that make their spouse feel even worse. Being comforting is the last thing on their mind. Make sure that, as for you and your house, it is one of the first.
5. Plan "Peace Dates".
Dates shouldn't go away simply because you're married. That's because dates are all about intentionally setting aside quality time for you and your partner. That said, synonyms for peace include love, friendship and even reconciliation. So, when's the last time the two of you went on a date with this focus in mind? An indoor picnic. A weekend road trip. A sex date (check out "When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?"). An unplugged weekend. A night when the two of you slow drag to 90s R&B while drinking champagne and toasting each other and your relationship. Anything that will help to create harmony in your relationship will definitely fit the bill. A peace date is a great way to get back to the kind of energy and atmosphere that you truly desire within your union.
6. Strive to be a peacemaker.
I've shared before that the Hebrew word for peace is "shalom" and two definitions of it are "wholeness" and "completion". I really dig that in the marital space because being a peacemaker doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that you say nothing or that you don't even challenge your partner from time to time. What it does mean is, whatever your efforts are, it's for the sake of cultivating wholeness and completion in your relationship — and if it's not, it doesn't need to be done.
Sanctuary. What a "woosah" kind of word. Here's hoping that if you or your spouse (you might wanna ask him) wouldn't currently define your marriage and home as a sanctuary space that you'll brainstorm together on how to make that a reality. Hey, you can't control what happens outside of your relationship or household yet you are quite empowered to control what goes down within it — and being a sanctuary for one another is top-tier loving. It really and truly is.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Living In A New City And Feeling Nervous About Making Friends? These 6 Tips Can Help
The first big leap was moving to a new city and getting settled into my new home. The next big leap? Was finding community and belonging. Moving to a new city excited me! I looked forward to having my own apartment, decorating it, and exploring what the city had to offer. I also found excitement in the thought of meeting new people and expanding my connections. When it actually came down to it, I felt nervous. I heard that making new friends as an adult can be hard because we all have different responsibilities and schedules that may not align. I knew in order for me to really feel at home in my new city, I had to create community.
Having a community of people who I can share memories with, lean on in times of need, and inspire each other is something I always valued. I took a moment to truly center in on what I desired from the new friends I would make. Then I realized it all would have to start with me. I had to be centered and confident in who I was to attract who I desired to be aligned with. As someone who moved to a new city and established quality friendships, I gathered these six tips that helped me feel grounded and create community in hopes that it will help you, too.
6 tips to start building community and making new friends in a new city:
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Be true to yourself
Do you know who you are? If someone asked you to describe yourself in three words, what words would you use? In order to develop deep friendships, you must be a friend to yourself first. Know what refuels you and what zaps your energy. Self-study your habits and why you do the things you do. All this will be important to keep in mind when looking to create bonds with others. Every day there’s all kinds of people telling you who you should be, how you should act, or what you should wear. At the end of the day, the only opinion about yourself that truly matters is your own. Spend some alone time with yourself indoors or out at an event you like to truly discover who you are in this season of your life.
Pray about it
Before you step out into the world and cross paths with all kinds of people, it’s important to pray about building your community. God outlines what true friendship looks like in numerous Bible verses such as "Iron sharpens iron." - Proverbs 27:17 and “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you desire friendships that last, pray about what you seek in friendship. I remember praying for mentally stable, happy, and whole women who moved through life with abundance mindsets. Take a moment to journal about the community you want to build and then pray on it.
Go to fun events to meet people who share your interests
Most metropolitan cities like Washington, D.C., New York City, and Atlanta are known to have strong young professional communities and events where you can connect with others. I highly encourage you to attend events in or near your community to see what the city is like and meet people. It’s likely that the people at the event have the same interests as you, which is a great way to start a conversation. You can start by searching for events on Eventbrite or following Instagram pages that highlight events happening in your city.
Carlos Barquero/ Getty Images
Accept that you won’t be compatible with everyone you meet
While living in your new city, it’s likely you’ll meet a variety of people. Please know that everyone you meet will not bud into lasting friendships, and that’s okay! You are uniquely created and not made for everyone. Then you’ll meet people who are good for only surface-level connections, and then you’ll have your girls who you can get deep with. I think sometimes people can look down on surface-level friendships, but not everyone needs to fully know you. That’s a privilege to have and to accept within yourself. Continue to check in with yourself and be real about who you crave to spend more time with and who is nice to see for a monthly or quarterly catch-up.
Join Facebook groups & GroupMe chats
If you haven’t used Facebook in a couple of years, it’s time to dust your profile off. Facebook Groups is a great place to join online communities for people who just moved to a new city like you. Typically, you have to agree to the group’s guidelines, and then you can join. For example, you can search for groups in the Facebook app by using keywords like women, Black girl, or [the name of your city] foodies. With the GroupMe app, you’ll have to be invited to join an already existing group. While you’re out and about networking, don’t hesitate to ask if they’re in any online groups/communities they recommend you join too.
Be friendly to folks in your neighborhood
When I first moved to my new apartment, I spent the first week walking around the complex and working in the community spaces to get a better feel of it. I was able to meet people in my neighborhood, enjoy small talk, and learn more about what the community has to offer. Step outside of your comfort zone and work in your apartment’s community space or a local coffee shop to connect with others.
Overall, you may feel alone in your new city, but I guarantee you’re not. There are other people experiencing living in a new city too, and all you need to do is find each other. I hope these tips help ease the nervous feelings you have about building a new community and inspire you to make a new friend today!
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