

Fantasia Says A Lack Of Submission Is Keeping Us From Getting A Man
Fantasia Barrino, boy. I remember watching her win American Idol. I remember seeingLife Is Not a Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story on Lifetime. I remember all of the news coverage she got for a very toxic relationship she was in back in the day, the accidental overdose that happened around the same time, and the first interview she did with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America after it. I also remember when major news outlets told us that she had gotten married to her husband of five years now (she actually eloped a year before they had a ceremony on a yacht), Kendall Taylor.
Wow. In many ways, it seems like Fantasia has lived at least five lifetimes even though she officially stepped onto the scene back in 2004. As I was watching her on her first time on The Breakfast Club interview yesterday, I must admit that a big smile came over my face when she said, "Excuse my language but I am f—kin' proud of myself for bouncing back." Fantasia, for doing more than just survive, but to come out thriving, I am too. You look beautiful, peaceful and full of clarity, self-awareness and joy. That's dope. It really is.
So even though I check for Fantasia, I must admit that her latest interview might've missed me if it wasn't for all of the, I'm gonna go with "mixed bag responses", that came from a particular portion of it; the part when she spoke about the importance of submission in marriage. I must say that if there is one word that seems to trigger a lot of women, it's that one. But before I attempt to unpack why that may be the case, let me share some of what she said, verbatim. Ready?
Fantasia’s Views on the “Roles” in Marriage
First, let me say that Fantasia's interview is a great example of why we need to make sure that we hear things in context. The reason why submission even came up is because she asked DJ Envy if he prays with his wife and he said that yes, he wakes her up every morning so that they can pray together (bookmark that; I'll be circling back to in in a bit). When Fantasia heard that, this was her response:
"I salute that. Because we need more of that, you know, what I mean? We need more men to stand up and lead the way. Most women are trying to be the leader; that's why you can't find a man. You can't be the leader in the house. Fall back and be the queen and let your man lead the way."
When DJ Envy basically replied that it's a challenge for some women because they don't see relationships like that; that they want to be in the lead role, Fantasia expounded.
"That's not how it's supposed to be. That's why we bump heads. I feel like it's a generational thing…it's a generation curse in how society [has] placed our men. And women have to stand up and be the mother and the father and the provider. So then, now you are so bad that you can't be told nothin'; that when the right man [comes], you lose him because [you're] tryin' to be the man."
When Angela Yee then asked if two people can be equal in a relationship (true submission isn't about a lack of equality, by the way. We'll come back to that in a bit too), Fantasia said "yes". Then this:
"At the end of the day, I'm the neck and my man's the head, so he can't make any moves without his wife. It all works together. But you can't be the head of the house. You got to let the man be the head of the house. But it's a generational thing. It's what we've been taught—stand up, be strong and a dude comes and everything about you is like a man."
When Angela Yee then said that it sometimes happens because women have no choice, Fantasia was ready for that too.
"You have to learn how to submit. You can still be a queen. A queen plays her part. The king needs his queen. It's certain things that he can't see that we see. The queen has to sit back and allow the king to be the king."
When Angela Yee then replied with "The Queen is the most valuable piece on the board," (a chess reference), Fantasia agreed with that as well. As she went on to explain that her man is a former-felon-turned-business owner who she knew for three weeks before making things official (they didn't have sex until after they got married; that should go on record too) and how, because she had always had to take care of everything, she was a "pop-off at the mouth" (which usually means it's hard to trust your partner; bookmark that as well), Fantasia said one more thing that stood out to me:
"It took a man like him to sit me down, look me in my eyes and talk to me like I was supposed to be talked to, and say, 'I'm here now. You don't have to do all of that. Pass it over to me and let me take care of that.'"
(For the cynics, "take care of all of that" does not mean Fantasia's finances; there's a prenup and he's the one who recommended that they get one.)
As I closed out the interview, I appreciated everything that she said. But when I read some folks' social media comments, a lot of people were, how do I put it? Pissed. It was like they felt Fantasia set us all the way back before The Little House on the Prairie Days. And while I know that I can't change anyone's mind, because again, submission seems to be something that so many women—single and married alike—give push back to, I wanted to offer up five points to at least help keep submission from being looked at as an unofficial cuss word for so many.
5 Things to Consider When It Comes to Submission in Marriage:
1. Submission Is a Spiritual Principle
Ask a Christian. Ask a Jew. Ask a Muslim. Submission in a marriage is a principle that's applied in all of these faiths. As far as Christianity goes, it comes directly from Scripture: "And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (Ephesians 5:21-25—NLT)
Much like folks will say, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone" will leave out that Christ also said, "Go and sin no more" (John 8:1-12), folks will hear about how a wife should submit to her husband (a wife, not a girlfriend to her boyfriend; some of y'all will catch that later), they overlook that, as the leader of the home, the husband has a big job to do.
To love a wife in the way that Christ loves us all? Yeah, that's a lot. To give up their life for their wife? That too is a lot. If you read all of Ephesians 5, you'll see that a husband is also to nourish and cherish his wife; to love her as himself. Wives are not told to do all of this; husbands are. When a wife is submitting to her husband, it's not just to his leadership—it's the standard of love that is set for her husband. By the Word of God itself.
If you're not a Bible-adherer, I can totally get why submission may seem ridiculous. But if you profess to be, it's hard to stake that claim without taking verses like the one I just shared (along with Colossians 3:18-19) into account.
2. Submission Isn’t a Lack of Power; It’s Directed Power
Fantasia's right. Because a lot of us didn't see our father be a good provider and protector and/or because a lot of our mothers had to do everything and/or because we've never seen a healthy marriage up close and personal for ourselves, some of us are inclined to think that submission is synonymous with abuse—or, at the very least, being taken for granted. That's not submission's fault. That needs to be put on the person who didn't honor and respect just how precious and sacred submission truly is.
I say that because think about how awesome you are as a woman. Think about all of the gifts, talents, insight, support and supernatural love you bring to the table. To choose to impart that into a man's life? That alone is an extremely powerful thing! It's basically saying what Beyoncé did in her song "Upgrade U":
You need a real woman in your life (that's a good look)
Taking care of home and still fly (that's a good look)
And I'mma help you build up your account (that's a good look)
Better yet a hood look, ladies, that's a good look
When you're in them big meetings for the mills (that's a good look)
You take me just to complement the deal (that's a good look)
And anything you cop I'll split the bill (that's a good look)
Better yet a hood look
(Believe me) ladies, that's a good look
You don't stop being you simply because you're being submissive. Submission is not a lack of power; it's a way of focusing it, centering it—streamlining it. You are choosing to yield the authority that you do have into the partnership called your marriage so that, as your husband provides and protects you, your power can make him a better person, just as his leadership nourishes, cherishes and further develops you in the process.
Any of y'all remember the Wonder Twins from back in the day? Remember how when their fists touched, they said, "Wonder Twin powers activate"? That's how I see leadership and submission in action. Two people using their strengths to lean into one another to make big stuff happen; the kind of stuff that quite possibly wouldn't happen any other way.
3. For Leadership to Work, Someone Needs to Submit
I'll be honest. I think a lot of women want to "buffet" submission. What I mean by that is they want to pick and choose when submission should apply or not. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the very same ladies who think submission is antiquated and unnecessary turn right around and say that asking a man out on a date or to marry them is utterly ridiculous because "that's the man's job". So, he can—and should—lead when you're dating, but not after saying "I do"? What's that all about?
A writer by the name of J.D. Greeer once said, "Spiritual headship is not license for men to do what they want to do. It is empowerment to do what they ought to do. But, wives, that means you don't only follow him when you agree with him or feel like he is making the right decision. That's not submission; that's agreement."
Here's the thing. Is marriage a partnership? Of course. Are men and women equal in value in the relationship? Also, yes. But being equal doesn't make two people identical. There are certain things that men bring to the table and certain things that we as women do. A lot of women desire a protector and provider. Well, guess what? That's what a leader does. Once you get married, what's the struggle for? Let him.
4. A Man Who Understands Submission Submits to Someone Too
Sometimes, I hear women say, "I submit to my husband as he submits to me." Yeah…that's not really how submission works. The point of submission is that someone has to lead in order for it to truly be effective. What I dig about what Fantasia said is, once she found a man who she felt was worthy of her gift of submission, there were things that she used to have to worry about that she no longer does. Yeah, some women are so busy thinking about—if not flat-out obsessing over—what submission requires that they don't see the benefits that come right along with it as well. If a man is a good leader, life is easier, not harder.
Besides, remember how I said that submission is a spiritual principle? Bishop TD Jakes once said something about submission that both men and women alike need to always keep in mind—"No woman wants to be in submission to a man who isn't in submission to God." Indeed. A man can only lead well if he is being led well. And the humility, spiritual maturity and surrender that it takes for a man to listen to a Higher Source is what makes him someone that his wife should have no problem submitting to.
I think that's why Fantasia got so excited when DJ Envy not only said that he prays for his wife, but he wakes her up, every morning, to do it. He's taking initiative to not only lead his home, but to show his wife that he submits to someone in the process as well.
5. Submission Is Nothing to Be Scared Of
At the end of the day, submission is all about trust. Do you trust someone enough to allow them to lead? If you're single and you're not sure, don't get married yet. If you're married and you don't, marriage counseling is something that I recommend.
One more thing. Just because a wife submits, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a voice or relevance in her marriage. Something else a good leader does is delegate. If the wife is better with the finances, she handles them. If she makes more money, he's not insecure in the least. When she brings perspectives to the table, he listens. A true husband-leader knows that he's only as good as his partner-wife. He is totally aware of how much he needs and relies on her. So he does.
So, when Fantasia said that a lot of us don't have a man because we don't want to submit, that didn't bother me in the least. I find true submission to be a dope concept. But I think it triggered a lot of others because submission isn't something that's explored as much as it should be.
At the end of the day, it sounded to me like she said, "If y'all want a man in your life, how about you let a man be one?" Shoot, Fantasia is a submitter and I've never seen her stronger. She's an independent artist now. She said she has more money in the bank than ever. She looks great. She really does seem healthy and whole.
A great reminder that submission can actually empower you, that is, if you choose the right man to lead. It's all about staying open and choosing wisely. It really is. Submit to God. He'll lead you to who can lead you; who truly deserves your gift of submission. He really will.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Does It Mean To Submit? How These Celeb Couples Embrace The Concept & Make It Work
These 7 Married Men Have Some Marriage Myths They Want To Debunk
Larenz Tate & His Wife Have Maintained Their 14-Year Marriage By Putting Friendship First
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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xoNecole's New Visual Hair Story "The Root Of It" Is Here
For Black women, hair isn't just hair. It's our mouthpiece and our magic.
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