

7 Things People Don't Take Seriously Enough When They First Start Dating Someone
Really, it can’t be said enough that before you decide to jump the broom with someone, you really should get into some sort of premarital counseling. I’m not talking about watching a few popular relationship coaching videos online or seeing your pastor twice before your big day. Engaged couples who work with me know that they’re going to be in for about six months of some intense digging in — that’s how serious I think that marriage is and how prepared I believe that people should be going into it. But hey, don’t take my word for it. There are also stats to prove that you actually have a 30 percent greater success rate if you get into some sessions prior to saying “I do.”
And what does this even remotely have to do with today’s topic? Well, it’s super fascinating that a lot of people I know who are divorced say that they basically knew the day before their wedding that they should’ve called it off. Whenever I investigate even further, many of them go on to say that they saw some, at the very least, yellow or even pink flags waving during the early stages of dating that, for whatever reason, they chose to ignore.
Y’all, it’s Benjamin Franklin who once said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So, for the sake of sparing you becoming the statistic of a failed marriage — or even just some heartbreak or realizing that you totally wasted your time — here are seven things that I definitely think should be taken more seriously when people are first getting to know someone during the initial dating process.
1. How Someone Values Time
You know how they say that the only people who have a problem with you setting boundaries are the ones who plan on violating them once you do? I think something similar when it comes to time. What I mean by that is, the people who think that I’m being “over the top” about expecting my time to be valued are typically the ones who like to show up late, break engagements at the last minute, or not do what they said they were gonna do (which is also wasting people’s time).
And here’s the thing — a lot of these folks are good people…in other ways. They’re smart. They’re fun to be around. They offer some compelling insights. However, the older that I get, the more I cosign on the Chinese proverb, “It’s later than you think” because time literally is of the essence to me. And so, if I state that my time is important to me and you Elmo shrug it off, it translates as a form of disrespect — not just because you were dismissive of my feelings but because time is literally something that none of us can ever get back.
Someone showing up late on a date with a really good reason (and still, they should call or text to give you a heads up) is one thing. Someone who is constantly not on time or makes commitments and breaks them is already showing you that they don’t value time — your time or time, in general, really — as much as they should.
And like I once heard a married pastor say in some premarital classes for singles that I once took, “If they don’t show up on time while you’re dating, what makes you think they will come home on time after marriage?”
Who’s gonna pass the plate for him first?
2. How Someone Listens
Whew y’all, these podcasters that be on YouTube. I’m not speaking of one gender either because there are some in both who totally wear me out. One reason why is that, whenever it’s a panel of people (especially if men and women are sharing the mic or stage), very rarely do I see folks give each other the common courtesy of allowing others to complete their thought or finish their sentences.
Growing up, I knew a family who used to sit around the dinner table and yell and overtalk each other the entire time. It was kind of remarkable to observe because, somehow, they were able to catch at least 75 percent of what other people were saying even if they were in their own conversation with someone else. Yet, peep what I just said — they were able to hear most of what else was going on…not all. And ironically, one of the things that some of them complain about to this day is not feeling truly heard by their family members (shocking, right?).
That said, it never fails that any time a list of why divorces happen comes out, poor communication is on the top of it. And there’s no way that you and someone else can communicate effectively if one or both of you don’t know how to listen.
So, what are some signs of being a good listener?
- You don’t speak when others are;
- You pause to process what was said before responding/reacting;
- You are conscious that your body language conveys being attentive and not ignoring someone else;
- If they asked you to repeat what they just said, you could do it, almost verbatim;
- You try to understand more than be heard;
- You ask questions rather than make statements if you’re trying to seek clarity;
- You’re patient.
And here’s the thing — listening is a two-way street, so just like you should expect others to be this way with you, you should also extend the same courtesy and intention.
To be fair, this one might take a bit of doing in the sense of, so many of us absolutely suck at actively listening that you, the person you’re dating, or both of you may need to do some “practice runs” in order to get this right. All I’m saying is, if listening gets worse instead of better over time, don’t expect a long-term commitment to improve it.
Author Paul Tillich once said that the first duty of love is to listen. I venture to say that a building block for respect in a relationship is learning how to listen as well. I’m telling you, if you don’t hear anything else in this piece…please literally listen to this point. It’s a relational qualifier like no other.
3. If They Are on the Same Page with the Other Person About Dating and Romance
There are a billion-and-one things that I don’t care for when it comes to social media (which is why I’m still not on it). When it comes to relationships, one of them is the fact that many people forget that, just like many pics have filters on them, many relationships do as well.
What I mean by that is, more times than not, folks only show you what they want you to see — their “highlight reel” so to speak. Unfortunately, far too many individuals forget (or is it ignore?) that. And so, many of them turn around and expect every single day of their own dating life to be like the peak pics on someone’s Instagram Story. Yeah, not only is that unrealistic, but it’s also setting yourself up to be disillusioned and disappointed. I mean, just think about it — how ridiculous would it be to expect every date to be like a scene out of (would they please pull these from the air now?) The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise?
So, before even getting into discussing with the person you’re seeing what you expect dating and romance to look like, the first thing you should do is ponder if your own desires are based in reality. Because it really can’t be said enough that “living for the fairy tale” literally means you are living for stories that are told to children that are usually improbable and untrue (by the definition of a fairy tale).
At the same time, if you like spontaneity — say that. If holidays are a big deal to you — say that. If your love language being expressed means a lot — say that. If “Good Morning” and “Goodnight” texts mean a lot to you — say that. If nice tokens for no “reason” is important — say that.
For the record, “saying it” doesn’t mean that someone has to automatically agree or even comply. However, what it does is keep you from expecting someone to read your mind or make them feel bad because their idea of dating and romance is very different from yours.
Trust me, I counsel several married couples who struggle quite a bit because they didn’t take this seriously when they were dating. While one couldn’t care less about birthdays and anniversaries, the other was on-10 — and both thought the other was wrong for feeling the way that they did.
So many things in relationships aren’t about what’s right or who’s wrong; some things are just different. The earlier you make peace with that and then decide if the incompatibilities are deal-breakers or not, the easier it will be on everyone — whether you choose to stay together or…not.
4. Do They Do Daily Life Well with the Other Person?
Dating with intention. Dating to marry. I personally don’t have a problem with either of these things. Well…come to think of it, I kind of take issue with the second one because if your goal is ONLY to hurry up and get down somebody’s aisle, you could find yourself rushing relationships, overlooking red flags, and not really considering if someone is actually right for youeven if they are a good person (some of y’all will catch that later). Sadly, because a lot of people profess that they “date to marry,” all that does is put pressure on the dynamic — and a relationship that is under a pressure cooker is never a good thing.
That’s why I think it’s best to focus on short-term relational goals: Are the two of you compatible? Do they complement your lifestyle (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”)? Do they feel more like a blessing than a burden? Can they say the same thing about you (you have to ask them in order to know…)?
My point is this: If you were to look at your wedding day as reaching the top of a mountain, the day-to-day short-term things are the stones/rocks that the mountain is built out of. Because so many people don’t look at it this way, they find themselves only focusing on engagement rings, bridal dresses, and rom-com love when a successful relationship is actually far more about if you and someone can do life — simple, ordinary, everyday life — together.
So yes, when you first start dating someone, pay attention to how you gel in the basic things. Those are what will help you to know if you’ll truly be able to live in harmony should things continue to progress.
5. If They’re Talking Themselves into (or Out of) Something They Shouldn’t
There is someone I know right now who has semi-recently reunited with her first love after basically two decades. Sweet right? Eh. It depends on what day you ask because, although she and her current boo thang are definitely caught up in the nostalgia of being back together again, there are already some huge red flags that both of them are choosing to ignore.
One of them is the fact that although she has children and has already undergone a procedure to not have any more, he has never had any and still wants some. She’s so caught up in him that she’s thinking about overlooking the fact that she was very clear and sober-minded when she said she didn’t want more children (never mind the fact that she’s much later in years and it would require thousands of dollars to even try to conceive) while he’s so into her that he’s been trying to convince her that being a stepfather to the children that she already has would be enough.
Listen, I know a married couple who divorced after over 20 years of marriage, and a huge part of it was because the wife never wanted children, the husband did, and yet he told himself that he wanted her more. Sadly, he then ended up seriously resenting her because he missed out on his opportunity to become a father.
Unfortunately, our culture is so self-absorbed that all people think love is, is someone sacrificing for them when the reality is, if you truly love someone, you will make the sacrifice to let them go to get what they want that you may not be able to (or want to) provide.
Some of y’all may read about the dating couple and think that their love is beautiful while I see a trainwreck waiting to happen. If she even wanted more kids a little bit, she could’ve put an IUD in and called it a day (we talked about it beforehand; she absolutely was not interested). She said she was done. She shouldn’t have to push past her better mind for him. She should love him enough to release him so that he can find someone who wants kids as badly as he does. That’s love.
Bottom line, definitely something that a lot of folks don’t take seriously enough when they first start dating someone is what is negotiable and what absolutely isn’t. And if you don’t make that decision for yourself, preferably before you start a new journey with someone, the feelings that develop for the other individual can cause you to violate your own boundaries, wants, and needs — and that could lead to some extreme bitterness and resentment up the road.
Now, am I saying that there is no room for compromise? Of course not. What I AM saying, though, is if you’re compromising past common sense, logic, and what’s ultimately best for you, you are risking more than you should. I will forever die on that hill too.
6. If They Are Already Settling
Speaking of dying hills (LOL), another one that I have actually shared in a couple of articles for this platform before is what can be considered compromising in marriage can actually be settling when you’re dating someone. Why? Because a boyfriend is not a husband and a girlfriend is not a wife (no matter how much people want to pretend otherwise). Once you make a covenant with someone, that needs to be taken VERY SERIOUSLY and yes, all stops should be implemented in order to try and make things work and last.
Dating, though? Dating is about seeing if someone is worthy of receiving that kind of loyalty and devotion from you — and it really is okay if you decide that someone isn’t.
So, what are some clear indications that you’re already settling more than you should?
- You’re not attracted to them but you’re convincing yourself that it doesn’t matter;
- You’re ignoring your values because you like them otherwise;
- You already see signs that it will require more work than maintenance to keep things going (and yes, there is a HUGE difference between the two);
- You’re already telling yourself that things will change in time;
- Your communication styles trigger each other instead of producing peace, clarity, and harmony;
- You are negotiating far too many deal-breakers;
- You are starting to lose your own voice (or self).
These seven points are honestly just the tip of the iceberg yet still valid enough that, if even just one or two resonate with you, you are already setting yourself on a path of getting less than you should. So, if you just saw yourself in any of this and you’re looking for a sign that you need to step back if not totally tap out…DING, DING, DING.
7. If There Is Reciprocity in Action
An author by the name of R.P. Heaven once said, “Your soulmate never makes you chase them; they might challenge your idleness and lack of initiative, but they never play games with you. You never really count who contributes more in a soulmate relationship. The giving process happens naturally and intuitively, balanced on both sides. This creates abundance and there is never any scarcity in the relationship. True love means reciprocity.”
True love is about reciprocity.Reciprocity is about doing things that will mutually benefit the individuals involved in a way where they both are satisfied. It’s not about you doing all of the giving. It’s also not about you being the only one on the receiving end.
A good example of where reciprocity lacks (take a deep breath for this one) is holidays. I can’t tell you how many men have told me that they are SO OVER being expected to max out credit cards for birthdays and yet what they end up getting, time and time again, is sex when theirs rolls around. I get their frustration too because there is both an arrogance and laziness in giving someone something that both of you already benefit from. I mean, if he’s the only one receiving pleasure from sex and that’s why you treat it like a present on special occasions, that’s something that the two of you should talk about because sexual fulfillment should NEVER be a one-way street.
My point? If you wouldn’t want him to wrap a bow around his penis and call it a day on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or your anniversary, why should you think that putting on a lace robe and laying across the bed should suffice for him? The flip to this is if you find that you are so excited about the possibilities of what could happen with someone new that you’re doing most of the work to keep the relationship going (whether that comes to initiating communication, planning events, or expressing feelings) — well, you’ve heard the saying that how things begin is often how they end, right? Humans are creatures of habit, so if either person allows a lack of reciprocity to transpire, it’s going to be hard to get some balance into the dynamic up the pike.
Shellie, is it really that deep when it’s only the second or third date? Again, if you value your time and yourself, it absolutely is. The sooner that you’re able to see these things for what they are and be real with yourself about them, the easier it will be to either move forward in confidence — or cut your losses before you end up risking too much.
Hey, don’t say that I never warned you. It’s wild out here. So please proceed, not with barbed wire walls (that benefits absolutely no one) yet definitely with self-love and caution.
Feel me? Amen.
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- The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have ›
- 6 Things To Consider Before "Seriously Casually Dating" Someone ›
- 7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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I Tried Out The 'Black Nail Theory': Here’s What It Taught Me About Self-Confidence
Over the last few years, the upkeep of my nails has become a top priority. I’ve explored different lengths, tested out a range of designs and colors, and have gone from gel-x to acrylic and, currently, Russian manicures. As assured as I am about my signature nail look, one thing that I will always be open to is a new trend that sparks inner confidence — and the “black nail theory” is the latest to do just that.
If you’ve been on TikTok lately, you may have noticed that manicure lovers are putting new concepts surrounding their nails to the test. Last fall, the “red nail theory” took the internet by storm with promises to evoke male attention, compliments, and even a date or two on a subconscious level. And now, just a year later, a deeper and more mystic hue is being spotlighted for its alluring appeal.
@divashay888 #blacknails💅 #boldyblooming #blackspiritualists
What Is “Black Nail Theory”?
The concept of “black nail theory” is centered on the idea that applying black nail polish can significantly influence an individual's inner confidence and overall lure. Black nails are thought to possess a distinctive quality that communicates a sensual and captivating energy, bringing forth boldness and mystery. On a psychological level, black is said to be symbolic of “power, elegance, and sophistication.”
Personally, red has never quite been my color; so when I saw the black nail theory making its rounds, I immediately knew it could be an internet trend that I could get behind and try for myself.
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Testing Out The Theory
Deciding on the approach that I would take with my black nails came fairly easy. I’m a French tip girl to my core, so if I was going to commit to such a bold color like black, I’d have to take it gradually, and not commit to a fully blacked-out nail look.
Leaving the nail salon with my new set, I instantly felt myself channel my inner baddie. The black French tip complimented my complexion perfectly, and I was even able to test the theory out while on a date later that evening.
Throughout the night, I was complimented by both my date and the waitress on my nails, and I felt an inward motivation to share just enough about myself while leaving more to be discovered.
The following week, my friend and I went out to a party with the sole purpose of being cute and having fun, only to find a handful of men stopping to get my name and make conversation. One even went as far as to take my hand and examine nails that were adorned with gold rings.
On a more personal level, my time with black nails has been my handy reminder to trust my intuition and enter every room with confidence. Having my nails done naturally gives me an extra boost of confidence, but with the added touch of having them painted black, I’ve seen myself tap into the sultry and captivating "dark feminine" energy that I desire to embody.
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Would I Try This Again?
If all it took was a change in my nail color in order to attract love and confidence into myself, I would probably be married by now. But testing out black nail theory has been insightful to explore interpersonally.
How I present myself to the world and what I feel like I deserve all matters, and that doesn’t just start or end when my nails are freshly done.
Confidence is a full-package deal that comes wrapped in self-care, self-concept, and self-esteem. I get my nails done because that’s what makes me feel good, and whatever attention that draws in, I know that it’s a part of what I’m putting out into the world.
If I’m feeling fiery, I’ll test out a red design. If I’m in a girly mood, I’ll test out pink or ask for painted bows. And if I’m going for something more standout, I’ll let my nail tech take an idea and freestyle from there. All in all, nails are just another form of self-expression and should be a chance to showcase your inner world on the outside.
So yes, if red nails are the flashy antidote to drawing in attention, then black nails are the look to channel a “quiet” confidence that keeps them wanting more.
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