7 Things People Don't Take Seriously Enough When They First Start Dating Someone
Really, it can’t be said enough that before you decide to jump the broom with someone, you really should get into some sort of premarital counseling. I’m not talking about watching a few popular relationship coaching videos online or seeing your pastor twice before your big day. Engaged couples who work with me know that they’re going to be in for about six months of some intense digging in — that’s how serious I think that marriage is and how prepared I believe that people should be going into it. But hey, don’t take my word for it. There are also stats to prove that you actually have a 30 percent greater success rate if you get into some sessions prior to saying “I do.”
And what does this even remotely have to do with today’s topic? Well, it’s super fascinating that a lot of people I know who are divorced say that they basically knew the day before their wedding that they should’ve called it off. Whenever I investigate even further, many of them go on to say that they saw some, at the very least, yellow or even pink flags waving during the early stages of dating that, for whatever reason, they chose to ignore.
What To Pay Attention To When You Start Dating Someone
Y’all, it’s Benjamin Franklin who once said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So, for the sake of sparing you becoming the statistic of a failed marriage — or even just some heartbreak or realizing that you totally wasted your time — here are seven things that I definitely think should be taken more seriously when people are first getting to know someone during the initial dating process.
1. How Someone Values Time
GiphyYou know how they say that the only people who have a problem with you setting boundaries are the ones who plan on violating them once you do? I think something similar when it comes to time. What I mean by that is, the people who think that I’m being “over the top” about expecting my time to be valued are typically the ones who like to show up late, break engagements at the last minute, or not do what they said they were gonna do (which is also wasting people’s time).
And here’s the thing — a lot of these folks are good people…in other ways. They’re smart. They’re fun to be around. They offer some compelling insights. However, the older that I get, the more I cosign on the Chinese proverb, “It’s later than you think” because time literally is of the essence to me. And so, if I state that my time is important to me and you Elmo shrug it off, it translates as a form of disrespect — not just because you were dismissive of my feelings but because time is literally something that none of us can ever get back.
Someone showing up late on a date with a really good reason (and still, they should call or text to give you a heads up) is one thing. Someone who is constantly not on time or makes commitments and breaks them is already showing you that they don’t value time — your time or time, in general, really — as much as they should.
And like I once heard a married pastor say in some premarital classes for singles that I once took, “If they don’t show up on time while you’re dating, what makes you think they will come home on time after marriage?”
Who’s gonna pass the plate for him first?
2. How Someone Listens
GiphyWhew y’all, these podcasters that be on YouTube. I’m not speaking of one gender either because there are some in both who totally wear me out. One reason why is that, whenever it’s a panel of people (especially if men and women are sharing the mic or stage), very rarely do I see folks give each other the common courtesy of allowing others to complete their thought or finish their sentences.
Growing up, I knew a family who used to sit around the dinner table and yell and overtalk each other the entire time. It was kind of remarkable to observe because, somehow, they were able to catch at least 75 percent of what other people were saying even if they were in their own conversation with someone else. Yet, peep what I just said — they were able to hear most of what else was going on…not all. And ironically, one of the things that some of them complain about to this day is not feeling truly heard by their family members (shocking, right?).
That said, it never fails that any time a list of why divorces happen comes out, poor communication is on the top of it. And there’s no way that you and someone else can communicate effectively if one or both of you don’t know how to listen.
So, what are some signs of being a good listener?
- You don’t speak when others are;
- You pause to process what was said before responding/reacting;
- You are conscious that your body language conveys being attentive and not ignoring someone else;
- If they asked you to repeat what they just said, you could do it, almost verbatim;
- You try to understand more than be heard;
- You ask questions rather than make statements if you’re trying to seek clarity;
- You’re patient.
And here’s the thing — listening is a two-way street, so just like you should expect others to be this way with you, you should also extend the same courtesy and intention.
To be fair, this one might take a bit of doing in the sense of, so many of us absolutely suck at actively listening that you, the person you’re dating, or both of you may need to do some “practice runs” in order to get this right. All I’m saying is, if listening gets worse instead of better over time, don’t expect a long-term commitment to improve it.
Author Paul Tillich once said that the first duty of love is to listen. I venture to say that a building block for respect in a relationship is learning how to listen as well. I’m telling you, if you don’t hear anything else in this piece…please literally listen to this point. It’s a relational qualifier like no other.
3. If They Are on the Same Page with the Other Person About Dating and Romance
GiphyThere are a billion-and-one things that I don’t care for when it comes to social media (which is why I’m still not on it). When it comes to relationships, one of them is the fact that many people forget that, just like many pics have filters on them, many relationships do as well.
What I mean by that is, more times than not, folks only show you what they want you to see — their “highlight reel” so to speak. Unfortunately, far too many individuals forget (or is it ignore?) that. And so, many of them turn around and expect every single day of their own dating life to be like the peak pics on someone’s Instagram Story. Yeah, not only is that unrealistic, but it’s also setting yourself up to be disillusioned and disappointed. I mean, just think about it — how ridiculous would it be to expect every date to be like a scene out of (would they please pull these from the air now?) The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise?
So, before even getting into discussing with the person you’re seeing what you expect dating and romance to look like, the first thing you should do is ponder if your own desires are based in reality. Because it really can’t be said enough that “living for the fairy tale” literally means you are living for stories that are told to children that are usually improbable and untrue (by the definition of a fairy tale).
At the same time, if you like spontaneity — say that. If holidays are a big deal to you — say that. If your love language being expressed means a lot — say that. If “Good Morning” and “Goodnight” texts mean a lot to you — say that. If nice tokens for no “reason” is important — say that.
For the record, “saying it” doesn’t mean that someone has to automatically agree or even comply. However, what it does is keep you from expecting someone to read your mind or make them feel bad because their idea of dating and romance is very different from yours.
Trust me, I counsel several married couples who struggle quite a bit because they didn’t take this seriously when they were dating. While one couldn’t care less about birthdays and anniversaries, the other was on-10 — and both thought the other was wrong for feeling the way that they did.
So many things in relationships aren’t about what’s right or who’s wrong; some things are just different. The earlier you make peace with that and then decide if the incompatibilities are deal-breakers or not, the easier it will be on everyone — whether you choose to stay together or…not.
4. Do They Do Daily Life Well with the Other Person?
GiphyDating with intention. Dating to marry. I personally don’t have a problem with either of these things. Well…come to think of it, I kind of take issue with the second one because if your goal is ONLY to hurry up and get down somebody’s aisle, you could find yourself rushing relationships, overlooking red flags, and not really considering if someone is actually right for youeven if they are a good person (some of y’all will catch that later). Sadly, because a lot of people profess that they “date to marry,” all that does is put pressure on the dynamic — and a relationship that is under a pressure cooker is never a good thing.
That’s why I think it’s best to focus on short-term relational goals: Are the two of you compatible? Do they complement your lifestyle (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”)? Do they feel more like a blessing than a burden? Can they say the same thing about you (you have to ask them in order to know…)?
My point is this: If you were to look at your wedding day as reaching the top of a mountain, the day-to-day short-term things are the stones/rocks that the mountain is built out of. Because so many people don’t look at it this way, they find themselves only focusing on engagement rings, bridal dresses, and rom-com love when a successful relationship is actually far more about if you and someone can do life — simple, ordinary, everyday life — together.
So yes, when you first start dating someone, pay attention to how you gel in the basic things. Those are what will help you to know if you’ll truly be able to live in harmony should things continue to progress.
5. If They’re Talking Themselves into (or Out of) Something They Shouldn’t
GiphyThere is someone I know right now who has semi-recently reunited with her first love after basically two decades. Sweet right? Eh. It depends on what day you ask because, although she and her current boo thang are definitely caught up in the nostalgia of being back together again, there are already some huge red flags that both of them are choosing to ignore.
One of them is the fact that although she has children and has already undergone a procedure to not have any more, he has never had any and still wants some. She’s so caught up in him that she’s thinking about overlooking the fact that she was very clear and sober-minded when she said she didn’t want more children (never mind the fact that she’s much later in years and it would require thousands of dollars to even try to conceive) while he’s so into her that he’s been trying to convince her that being a stepfather to the children that she already has would be enough.
Listen, I know a married couple who divorced after over 20 years of marriage, and a huge part of it was because the wife never wanted children, the husband did, and yet he told himself that he wanted her more. Sadly, he then ended up seriously resenting her because he missed out on his opportunity to become a father.
Unfortunately, our culture is so self-absorbed that all people think love is, is someone sacrificing for them when the reality is, if you truly love someone, you will make the sacrifice to let them go to get what they want that you may not be able to (or want to) provide.
Some of y’all may read about the dating couple and think that their love is beautiful while I see a trainwreck waiting to happen. If she even wanted more kids a little bit, she could’ve put an IUD in and called it a day (we talked about it beforehand; she absolutely was not interested). She said she was done. She shouldn’t have to push past her better mind for him. She should love him enough to release him so that he can find someone who wants kids as badly as he does. That’s love.
Bottom line, definitely something that a lot of folks don’t take seriously enough when they first start dating someone is what is negotiable and what absolutely isn’t. And if you don’t make that decision for yourself, preferably before you start a new journey with someone, the feelings that develop for the other individual can cause you to violate your own boundaries, wants, and needs — and that could lead to some extreme bitterness and resentment up the road.
Now, am I saying that there is no room for compromise? Of course not. What I AM saying, though, is if you’re compromising past common sense, logic, and what’s ultimately best for you, you are risking more than you should. I will forever die on that hill too.
6. If They Are Already Settling
GiphySpeaking of dying hills (LOL), another one that I have actually shared in a couple of articles for this platform before is what can be considered compromising in marriage can actually be settling when you’re dating someone. Why? Because a boyfriend is not a husband and a girlfriend is not a wife (no matter how much people want to pretend otherwise). Once you make a covenant with someone, that needs to be taken VERY SERIOUSLY and yes, all stops should be implemented in order to try and make things work and last.
Dating, though? Dating is about seeing if someone is worthy of receiving that kind of loyalty and devotion from you — and it really is okay if you decide that someone isn’t.
So, what are some clear indications that you’re already settling more than you should?
- You’re not attracted to them but you’re convincing yourself that it doesn’t matter;
- You’re ignoring your values because you like them otherwise;
- You already see signs that it will require more work than maintenance to keep things going (and yes, there is a HUGE difference between the two);
- You’re already telling yourself that things will change in time;
- Your communication styles trigger each other instead of producing peace, clarity, and harmony;
- You are negotiating far too many deal-breakers;
- You are starting to lose your own voice (or self).
These seven points are honestly just the tip of the iceberg yet still valid enough that, if even just one or two resonate with you, you are already setting yourself on a path of getting less than you should. So, if you just saw yourself in any of this and you’re looking for a sign that you need to step back if not totally tap out…DING, DING, DING.
7. If There Is Reciprocity in Action
GiphyAn author by the name of R.P. Heaven once said, “Your soulmate never makes you chase them; they might challenge your idleness and lack of initiative, but they never play games with you. You never really count who contributes more in a soulmate relationship. The giving process happens naturally and intuitively, balanced on both sides. This creates abundance and there is never any scarcity in the relationship. True love means reciprocity.”
True love is about reciprocity.Reciprocity is about doing things that will mutually benefit the individuals involved in a way where they both are satisfied. It’s not about you doing all of the giving. It’s also not about you being the only one on the receiving end.
A good example of where reciprocity lacks (take a deep breath for this one) is holidays. I can’t tell you how many men have told me that they are SO OVER being expected to max out credit cards for birthdays and yet what they end up getting, time and time again, is sex when theirs rolls around. I get their frustration too because there is both an arrogance and laziness in giving someone something that both of you already benefit from. I mean, if he’s the only one receiving pleasure from sex and that’s why you treat it like a present on special occasions, that’s something that the two of you should talk about because sexual fulfillment should NEVER be a one-way street.
My point? If you wouldn’t want him to wrap a bow around his penis and call it a day on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or your anniversary, why should you think that putting on a lace robe and laying across the bed should suffice for him? The flip to this is if you find that you are so excited about the possibilities of what could happen with someone new that you’re doing most of the work to keep the relationship going (whether that comes to initiating communication, planning events, or expressing feelings) — well, you’ve heard the saying that how things begin is often how they end, right? Humans are creatures of habit, so if either person allows a lack of reciprocity to transpire, it’s going to be hard to get some balance into the dynamic up the pike.
Shellie, is it really that deep when it’s only the second or third date? Again, if you value your time and yourself, it absolutely is. The sooner that you’re able to see these things for what they are and be real with yourself about them, the easier it will be to either move forward in confidence — or cut your losses before you end up risking too much.
Hey, don’t say that I never warned you. It’s wild out here. So please proceed, not with barbed wire walls (that benefits absolutely no one) yet definitely with self-love and caution.
Feel me? Amen.
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Featured image by Cavan Images/Getty Images
- The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have ›
- 6 Things To Consider Before "Seriously Casually Dating" Someone ›
- 7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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