Last month, Michelle Obama sent the internet into a frenzy by opening up about her marriage to Barack Obama. During her conversation with NPR's "Life Kit" podcast, she shared her thoughts on the glamorization of dating and its impact on the reality of marriage, how partnerships are rarely 50/50, and when it comes to the ebbs and flows of commitment "young people quit too soon." She later clarified her thoughts in an Instagram post:
"As an adult, I’ve lived in a number of places, but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve only ever had one real home. My home is my family. My home is Barack. But here’s the thing—our marriage has never been perfectly 50-50. One of us is always needing more or giving more. We have to be willing to listen to each other, honestly and without defensiveness. Only then can we evolve together. Over the years, a lot of young people have asked me about marriage. And my response usually goes something like this: You have to prepare yourself for long stretches of discord and discomfort. You have to learn how to make real compromises in the way you’ve lived as an individual. Glamorizing a relationship while you’re dating will lead you straight to difficulty once you’re married. You can’t paper over problems when you’re living with someone day in and day out.”
Her caption continued, “So you’ve got to ask yourself: What are you trying to get out of this relationship? Have you truly thought it through? Do you want a wedding or do you want a lifelong partnership? Those are two very different things. Together, you are answering the question: Who are we and who do we want to be?”
I completely respect everything she mentioned above because that is her experience of what it takes to sustain a long-term, successful marriage and that is what has worked for her. While I believe that what she mentioned is true, I think it’s important that we also get into the nuances between trying to make a relationship work with someone who is equally committed to the relationship as you are versus trying to make a relationship work with someone who has reached an expiration date in your life.
Not every relationship is meant to last long-term and that doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing. Some people come into our reality to show us who we are so we can learn and grow and some people come into our lives to spend a lifetime with us. As you are dating, it’s important to discern the difference.
To help you do that, I have compiled a list of eight signs that it might be time to break up with someone. Check it out and share your thoughts below in the comments.
1.When you spend the entire relationship trying to alter yourself or the other person to "make it work."
Our values connect us to our hearts. When we are not in tune with our values, we will alter ourselves just to be in a relationship with someone else. Now this most likely did not just start “out of nowhere." This is a learned behavior that kept us safe in our environment. As children, we are very dependent on our caregivers to be in “attunement” with us. Attunement means to be in harmony with us; to respond to our needs, and to mirror to us what we’re seeking and what we’re giving out.
If your caregiver was unable to attune to you, you most likely had to alter yourself in some way to get your needs met. For example, if mom was always consumed with work and came home in a “bad” mood, maybe you had to alter your good mood to cope with the unsafety that came with her “bad” mood. Another example, let's say maybe if you wanted to be an artist but your family of origin communicated to you with their actions or an overall lack of response, that your dreams and your interest were not “good enough” to receive love from them. As children, we don’t just “get over” that. We internalize this as a rejection of the essence of who you are, the rejection of your authenticity.
We then learn that we must be someone else outside of ourselves to receive love, approval, and validation. We develop this core belief that love has to be earned and you have to work really really hard for people to accept you, and not only do you alter yourself, but you will then try to alter other people who do not fit into your standards because that’s what you learned to do in order to connect. In your mind, that’s loving.
But the truth is you never have to alter yourself or anyone for love, you don’t have to disown your boundaries, or say and do things for others that create this internal conflict with you and your values. When we alter ourselves for love, we are in our most inauthentic expression, which attracts people who are attracted to our most inauthentic expression. Even if we’re unconsciously in our most authentic expression for the sake of survival, the tragedy is that we become a match to the very thing we say we don't want, which leads to more heartache and pain.
I made a post on Instagram a few weeks ago that said, “When you are performing for love, you attract people who are looking for nothing more than to be entertained.” If you cannot be yourself around your partner without feeling shamed, chastised, unworthy, or unloveable, it may be time to reconsider if this relationship is the right fit for you.
If your partner cannot be themselves around you without you trying to change them, it may be time to reconsider if this relationship is the right fit for you.
2.When there is emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse present.
In relationships, we all have standards and boundaries in regard to how we would like to be treated. Standards and boundaries are not meant to push people out, but they are clear guidelines we communicate to others about how we would like to be treated and what helps us to feel safe in our relationships. Abuse of any sort is unsafe for your mind, body, and nervous system. If you find yourself hiding what’s really happening in your relationship from your friends and loved ones, you could be in an abusive relationship.
There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, although there can be so many reasons to leave. If you or anyone you know is struggling to leave a physically abusive relationship, call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for support.
I’m hoping in the future, we will have more resources out there for anyone dealing with emotional and psychological abuse. In the meantime, it could be helpful to speak with a professional for your safety as well as receive some resources to leave the relationship.
3.When there is an overall lack of accountability from your partner.
Starz Professor GIF by Power Book II: GhostGiphyOne of the things I’ve learned being a couples therapist is that if you and your partner are in conflict, it’s you and them against the problem, not you and them versus each other. When you get into conflict with your partner and they seem to deflect, withdraw, ignore you, or shut down when you’re explaining something to them that is hurting you, it may be time to reconsider the relationship and reconsider your options.
Most relationships fail when we make the other person out to be the “bad guy” rather than understanding that everyone is complex, and depending on what triggers us, we have different reasons for why we respond the way we do, oftentimes for protection and survival. Externalizing conflict in the relationship will help you to build intimacy through empathy, patience, compassion, and understanding but BOTH partners have to be open and willing to identify the childhood wounds that cause them to put up the defense.
When a couple fails to identify the childhood wounding that causes barriers to connection and when one-half of the couple blames their partner for their triggers, there is no room for accountability. If you or your partner has a difficult time holding themselves accountable, it’s helpful to assess how this defense mechanism will have negative effects on the relationship moving forward.
4.When your values and the mission for your life do not align.
Your values define the essence of who you are. When you start to compromise your values just to be in a relationship with someone, you are choosing them over choosing yourself, which leads to nothing but insecurity and resentment. Healthy relationships are not about putting one person's needs over the other, it’s about finding ways to honor BOTH people. The truth is, you should have never been put in a position to do that but so many of us learned to do this in childhood in order to maintain a connection with our caregivers, which we take with us into adulthood and reenact that same wounding in our romantic relationships.
When we don’t choose ourselves, we disown and reject who we are, which further damages our self-trust and confidence. When you are unclear on what your values are, you will fall slave to someone else’s standards (remember, not everyone's standards/values are for us, so you don’t want to go unconscious and give your power away for the sake of maintaining a connection with someone).
There is nothing “wrong” with people having different values, but it is our responsibility to consciously and intentionally put ourselves in relationships with people who align with our core values and find joy in meeting our needs. When we are in a relationship with someone whose purpose for their life is not in alignment with ours, we are holding ourselves and the other person back from something that could be a better fit for us and the other person.
It’s helpful to address any attachment wounding that may show up here, as well as any grief. As I mentioned before, this does not make you or the other person a “bad” person, you just have different values and that’s okay.
5.When the relationship is one-sided or their behavior is inconsistent and unpredictable.
GiphyOur relationships need to be consistent and predictable in order for them to feel good. Consistency and predictability offer a sense of safety and security in the relationship. When you are in a one-sided relationship, not only do you feel insecure but you are also drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You also can enter into this state of hypervigilance because the relationship is so unpredictable; you’re constantly looking over your shoulder waiting for something terrible to happen because you never know what you’re going to get from this person.
If you’re in a one-sided relationship, you may also find yourself getting excited when the other person is finally able to offer you the bare minimum. You start getting excited over basic things that a relationship actually needs in order to survive because you’ve spent the entire relationship starving waiting for breadcrumbs to fill you up.
If you resonate with this, this could be a prime indication that you are in a one-sided relationship. One-sided relationships tend to leave us feeling overwhelmed, stressed, resentful and drained. If you feel you are pouring more into the relationship than your partner and you’ve surpassed having multiple conversations about what your needs are and what makes you unhappy, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
6.When you’re constantly creating a fantasy around the relationship, or you're only interested in their “potential.”
In relationships, it is not enough to believe in who you want a person to be, you have to believe in who they are in the present moment and who they want to be overall. When we are only interested in someone's potential, we are creating a barrier to true intimacy and connection with them. To love someone is to accept them for who they are and assess if that version of themselves that they’re presenting in the present moment is in alignment with you.
When we put all of our hopes in someone's potential, we are believing in something that does not exist. Loving someone is about meeting them where they are. If you are unable to accept the essence of who they are in the present moment, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
7.When you only feel seen, loved, and desired when you’re having sex.
Oftentimes when we are not getting our emotional needs met in a relationship, we begin to put other forms of connection on a pedestal. When our needs are not getting met, we become desperate to be seen, loved, and desired, even if that connection is only temporary. If you are being deprived of love, consistency, respect, support, etc., your needs are not getting met in your relationship. Sex is the fastest way to achieve what feels like a “connection” to another person. This is why when people start to feel distant or disconnected from their partners in relationships, they may try to connect through sex first. It’s the fastest and easiest way to feel…something.
When we are operating from an “I guess I’ll just take what I can get” mentality when it comes to relationships, we are communicating that we are willing to do any and everything to avoid losing connection, even if the connection is not good for us (a deep fear of abandonment). With this mentality, we also disown our boundaries and our standards, which is crucial when it comes to communicating how we would like to be treated in order for someone to have access to us.
This may stem from childhood where maybe you had a caregiver who was very inconsistent. Maybe sometimes they were able to show up for you and other times they were caught up in their own problems. As a child, this becomes very confusing. Nevertheless, this becomes the pattern that plays out in your romantic relationship.
So in having sex with this person, although it may feel like it, it’s not really about the person or the sex. It’s about the high that you get finally feeling loved, wanted, and seen in the act of having sex. You're attached to the feeling the person gives you, not necessarily the person (especially if the relationship is unhealthy).
If you find yourself using sex as a coping mechanism to distract yourself from reality and soothe feelings of abandonment/rejection/loneliness or unworthiness in your relationship, it may be time to reconsider and really think about if this is a relationship dynamic that is sustainable for you.
8.When the only reason you’re still together is because of “history” or because you do not want to disappoint yourself or other people.
People stay in relationships for a plethora of reasons. Some stay for the sake of comfort and some stay for the sake of not disappointing their loved ones (family, friends, and children). But love does not require you to tether yourself to someone who is not for you. When we are staying in a relationship for the sake of other people, especially for our children, we communicate to them that relationships are about sticking it out regardless of how you feel and regardless of how you are being treated. You are teaching them to disown themselves (especially if the relationship, is less about irreconcilable differences and more so about abuse).
This is unhealthy because what we are communicating is that our feelings and our needs don’t matter and we are willing to disown ourselves in an attempt to control someone else's perception of us and the outcome of our relationship to soothe our own anxiety.
It could be helpful to work with a professional when it comes to any shame or guilt you feel around leaving a relationship that no longer serves you. When we live our lives to avoid disappointing other people, not only are we showing up inauthentically but it eats away at our self-trust and self-confidence. It creates a barrier to intimacy because we are unwilling to open ourselves up to receive support.
If you find yourself having a difficult time leaving a relationship because you’re afraid of what other people will think/say/feel, it could be helpful to do some work around how you’re perceived and core beliefs around a relationship not working out.
If you believe that the ending of a relationship means you failed, you may have a fear of failure or maybe some inner work to do around reframing why a relationship ending even means that you or the other person “failed.” If you were able to walk away from the relationship and integrate the lesson from it, how exactly did you fail?
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- Why You Might Need To End This Year With A Breakup ›
- Should You Take A Break? Or Break Up For Good? ›
- 8 Very Valid Reasons To Break Off Your Engagement ›
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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In a statement to People magazine, Doherty revealed that Turner had "died peacefully" in her home in Switzerland, which she shared with her husband, music producer Erwin Bach. Doherty also announced that a private funeral service would be held at an undisclosed date for Turner's close family and friends.
"Tina Turner, the 'Queen of Rock'n' Roll,' has died peacefully today at the age of 83 after a long illness in her home in Küsnacht near Zurich, Switzerland. With her, the world loses a music legend and a role model. There will be a private funeral ceremony attended by close friends and family. Please respect the privacy of her family at this difficult time," the statement read.
Tina Turner
Photo by Harry Langdon/Getty Images
In addition to the public statement, Turner's passing was also confirmed on her social media accounts. Although, at the time, details surrounding Turner's cause of death were limited, it was ultimately revealed that the "River Deep Mountain High" songstress passed away from natural causes. This comes years after Turner underwent a kidney transplant, which her husband donated, and suffering from various health issues. The list included high blood pressure, stroke, and intestinal cancer.
As the news circulated online, many of Turner's close friends and fans paid homage to the icon by expressing how much she meant to them. The list included Angela Bassett --who played Turner in the 1993 film What's Love Got To Do With It-- Beyoncé, Dionne Warwick, Mariah Carey, Ciara, and longtime friend Oprah Winfrey.
In an Instagram post, Winfrey recounted how her friendship with Turner started. The 69-year-old explained that she was a massive fan of the "Proud Mary" vocalist, and upon meeting, the pair's bond would blossom into a decades-long sisterhood.
During that time, Winfrey shared that she was in awe of Turner's resilience from her past childhood traumas and being abandoned by both her parents to how she overcame her violent relationship with ex-husband Ike Turner. The former television host added that Turner's ability to preserve through life's hardships inspired an entire nation.
"I started out as a fan of Tina Turner, then a full-on groupie, following her from show to show around the country, and then, eventually, we became real friends. She is our forever goddess of rock 'n' roll who contained a magnitude of inner strength that grew throughout her life. She was a role model not only for me but for the world. She encouraged a part of me I didn't know existed," Winfrey wrote while honoring her longtime friend.
Tina Turner
Photo by Rob Verhorst/Redferns
"Once she claimed her freedom from years of domestic abuse, her life became a clarion call for triumph. I'm grateful for her courage, for showing us what victory looks like wearing Manolo's and a leather miniskirt."
Winfrey wrapped up her words by recalling her conversation with Turner regarding death. The Oprah Winfrey Show host revealed that Turner embraced it because "she had learned how to live surrounded by her beloved husband, Erwin, and friends."
"She once shared with me that when her time came to leave this earth, she would not be afraid, but excited and curious. Because she had learned how to LIVE surrounded by her beloved husband, Erwin, and friends. I am a better woman, a better human, because her life touched mine. She was indeed simply the best," Winfrey stated.
With Turner's untimely death, the "What's Love Got To Do With It" singer leaves behind an immaculate career spanning over 60 years. Alongside her countless hit songs, Turner's past accolades consist of eight Grammy Awards, a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award, and a Grammy Hall of Fame for three of her songs.
"The Best" songstress' other achievements included Turner earning her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, becoming a double inductee in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame once in 1991 with Ike Turner, and again in 2021 as a solo artist, etc.
Turner is survived by her husband, Erwin Bach, many friends, and fans. Turner had four sons, two of whom she adopted while married to Ike. Her biological sons, Craig and Ronnie, both sadly passed away in recent years. To date, it is unclear if Turner has mended her relationship with her two adopted sons, who belonged to her ex-husband Ike Turner.
Turner’s music has impacted many people thanks to the beautiful storytelling and powerful words. In honor of Turner's legacy, xoNecole is looking back at her most memorable quotes on life, love, aging, and beauty over the years.
Tina Turner
Photo by Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images
Tina On Life
"If you are unhappy with anything…Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self, comes out."
-via 1986 interview with Ebony magazine.
Tina On Love
"He [Erwin] shows me that true love doesn't require the dimming of my light so that he can shine. On the contrary, we are the light of each other's lives, and we want to shine as bright as we can, together."
via Turner's book, Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good.
Tina On Her Greatest Beauty Secret
"My greatest beauty secret is being happy with myself. It's a mistake to think you are what you put on yourself. I believe that a lot of how you look has to do with how you feel about yourself and your life."
-via 2016 interview with Woman & Homemagazine.
Tina Turner - What's Love Got To Do With It (Official Music Video)
Tina On Aging
"Fifty is the new 30. Seventy is the new 50. There are no rules that say you have to dress a certain way, or be a certain way. We are living in exciting times for women. Keep up with fashion, keep up with your figure and the clothes you wear. If you look good and you can still do it, then go and do it. I have never worried about age."
-via 2009 interview with the Daily Express.
Tina On Death
"Even when it's time to go and leave to another planet, I'm excited about that because I'm curious to know what it is about. Nobody can tell you because nobody has come back. I'm not excited to die, but I don't regret it when it's time for me. I've done what I came here to do. Now is [time for] pleasure. I've got great friends. I have a great man in my life now. I have a great husband, and I'm happy."
-via 2013 interview with Oprah Winfrey.
Tina On The Legacy She's Leaving Behind
"My legacy is that I stayed on course from the beginning to the end because I believed in something inside of me that told me that it can get better…So my legacy is a person that strived for wanting it better and got it."
-via 2013 Oprah interview.
Tina On How She Would Want To Be Remembered
"As the Queen of Rock 'N' Roll. As a woman who showed other women that it is OK to strive for success on their own terms."
via April 2023 interview with The Guardian.
Although xoNecole and the world are mourning the loss of the incredible Tina Turner, it is humbling to know that she accomplished so many things, personally and professionally, during her time here and continues to show why she was, in fact, "simply the best," even after death.
We will miss you, Queen. Rest in Power!
Tina Turner - The Best (Official Music Video)
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Feature image by Paul Natkin/Getty Images
