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5 Relationship Standards You Shouldn’t Compromise On
We talk a great deal about standards in relationships and “wishlists” so to speak. This typically leads to the question of if people’s checklists for their significant other are unrealistic, shallow, or just generally impossible. I’ve learned to refrain from critiquing people, but especially Black women, for their set of standards that they’re unwilling to compromise on. I’ve observed that Black women are the only ones who are questioned for having and maintaining standards – even seemingly superficial ones.
So though a standard or non-negotiable might not be my criteria for men, more power to the sista who has the gumption to ask for and receive exactly what she wants out of her partner. But, in my own experience, I’ve learned that many people will compromise. Tera Stidum, online dating coach of She Dates Savvy, highlights this sentiment to xoNecole, stating, “It’s not unusual for people to compromise values, boundaries, and standards in a relationship. There are times when those compromises may actually be beneficial to the person and the relationship.” The question then becomes – what is deemed as ‘acceptable’ compromises? And more than that, what is non-negotiable when it comes to selecting a partner?
A great example that Stidum provides of when compromise looks okay in relationships is the following scenario: A single [person] with a height requirement who decides to open their height standards and finds herself/himself in the best relationship ever, just by shifting a standard. She adds, “I believe things become problematic when the compromise is of values and boundaries, which essentially make us who we are or our belief system.”
According to our dating expert, any expectations, standards, or boundaries that fall within these categories are non-negotiable: “Any compromises in the areas of sexual boundaries, religion, alcohol use, drugs, and even whether to have or not have children are the types of non-negotiables that should not be compromised under any circumstances. These areas can lead to deep fractures in a long-term relationship, including resentment and breakups.”
So, what exactly do those look like, in specific terms? Well, here are the five non-negotiables i.e. standards you should not compromise on.
1. Children
This is relatively self-explanatory but I’ll reiterate that this is a non-negotiable as parenthood for some people is literally as fulfilling as careers. If you and your potential partner don’t share the same values of wanting to have children, it is likely to lead to lots of resentment down the line, since it’s such a large chunk of one’s values and purpose (for some). Obviously, this is for people who desire children and deem parenting to be a valuable opportunity FOR THEM. Again, not everyone feels this deeply about parenting but for those who do…dassit!
2. Religion
Are you more spiritual than religious? Is it important to you that you and your partner are able to have conversations where God is at the center and a relationship based on faith? Are you agnostic and wish to have a partner who respects that? Is important that your partner isn’t faith-based too? Religion is yet another extreme value held when presented in a person, which means that this will factor into so many other aspects of your lives together. This includes but is not limited to the aforementioned topic of…children. That’s the biggest beef right there is, how will a couple who don’t share the same religion raise their children?
3. Sex and Sexual Boundaries
I will stand on this until the day I die but talk about sex and talk about it often in your relationship. Many couples will avoid this topic because they think there are more important things when, in reality, sex proves to be just as important. You truly cannot set more in-depth sexual boundaries without discussing things that you all enjoy in regard to sex. Perhaps, your partner has a fetish or kink you’re not aware of. You want to create a safe space to be able to discuss these things openly so that it doesn’t pop up 30 years into a marriage and it feels out of left field.
The sooner you can discuss the fluidity in sexuality with your partner, the sooner you will know how to structure your relationship, whether it be dissolving the relationship altogether, opening the relationship, or setting up space in time to explore these sexual differences (while respecting boundaries) in a monogamous relationship.
4. Alcohol and Drug Use
Even the smallest of differences between a person who smokes marijuana frequently versus one who doesn’t have the ability to hinder the growth of a relationship. Think about cigarette smokers and the depths that they may go to for a smoke. The money spent, the lingering smell in the house, sitting in uncomfortable environments just to smoke – consider the lopsidedness of the dynamic and the constant compromise necessary–now replace cigarettes with drugs or alcohol. If you’re more into a sober lifestyle and your partner isn’t on the same page, that clash in lifestyle could cause problems in the future and vice versa.
5. MONEY
Finances are one of the largest, if not the largest, disruptions in relationships. And while I do think the non-negotiable pieces of this particular non-negotiable vary from person to person, there are certain things you simply must not compromise on. It is imperative that you speak to your partner about finances early and often (if you’re on Black Twitter, you’ve seen the discourse around $50 dates – you know what it is). Seriously, from Twitter, I’ve come to see the value in dating in your tax bracket if you have certain standards for your partner financially. Whether you want $300 dates and surprise vacations or a summer house in addition to your year-round home, or just want to meet the basic criteria for being financially well-off, there does need to be some commonality here.
The need to be transparent about debts and budgets is also important. For example, are your approaches to money compatible? Furthermore, she adds a major red flag in regards to finances we should keep our eyes peeled for is a scenario of a partner who judges you for the way you spend money despite it being money well within your budget. Typically, when this does occur your partner might try to make you feel guilty for your lifestyle/spending. Many people fail to realize that money is the root of so much trauma, which can lead to more drama and trauma in relationships.
Stidum recommends considering these questions when discussing finances with your partner:
- What's your financial picture?
- Would you consider yourself a spender or a saver?
- How do you handle financial emergencies?
- What are your thoughts on couples and household bills/responsibilities?
- How much debt do you have?
- Do you owe any taxes or child support?
- Do you pay your bills as they come or at the beginning of the month?
- If you thought I was spending too much, how would you have that conversation with me?
How to Communicate Your Standards in a Relationship
First off, Stidum suggests referring to your standards or non-negotiables as a wishlist. “Consider this to take the negative [connotation] away and instead of calling it a ‘non-negotiable’ list, share your ‘wishlist’ with your potential partner. This list will give you an opportunity to share what you’re seeking in a positive manner, versus negative, with the label ‘non-negotiable’ – it sounds so final and, well…non-negotiable.” But generally speaking, “complete honesty” is recommended.
The She Dates Savvy dating expert states, “I believe in complete honesty from the beginning–no matter if it means the person will walk away or not. I believe once you know you’re interested enough in someone that you can imagine yourself with them long-term, you need to communicate your non-negotiables. You are not saving yourself or your potential partner any troubles by not sharing with them very early on. One of the big non-negotiables I’ve seen come up with clients is when a woman is celibate. The question is always, ‘Tera, when should I let him know?’ and my reply is always, ‘As soon as you can. Immediately!’ Why? Because that’s a decision she has made and not his. So if he is not interested in a celibate relationship, she should disclose that immediately so he can determine if a celibate relationship is one of his non-negotiables.”
Relationship Stages and Its Impact on Standards and Compromise
I asked our expert how relationship standards and non-negotiables might look different depending on the stage of the relationship. Ultimately, while it shouldn’t look different, it does – and this tends to go back to the lack of openness early on. Stidum explains, “In the dating phase, some daters have not really allowed themselves to be completely vulnerable with their prospective partner, so therefore I’ve witnessed people cutting off a potential partner because of non-negotiables. Surprisingly, I believe people are more forgiving of non-negotiables once they are in a relationship or engagement phase, because at that time they are weighing out things like ‘time together’ or ‘how will this look if we break up’ or ‘I don’t want to be single again’ so they find themselves more accepting of their non-negotiables than they were in the dating phase.”
If you walk away with nothing else from this, please do leave with the courage to ask and discuss the seemingly hard stuff early on – it doesn’t get any easier just because you’ve buried it. More than anything, being upfront is the key to building a solid, authentic relationship that can sustain the test of time. Regardless of what your relationship looks like, opening up this dialogue will create a more rosy, harmonious aspect between yourself and your partner.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
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But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
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Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
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